Practicing for a mammogram
............................................

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

Subject: Zen Type Thoughts


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the **** alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he can eat two meals in a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

13. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

21. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

22. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

23. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Oh, that last one was good...but they're ALL good! Keep 'em comin', chickies!

:lol: I love those Zen thoughts!

Work Drudges
 

Some of these are pretty clever...nice play on words.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it
-- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too
exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to
my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy enough.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian -- until I realized there was no
future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
was always the same old grind.

The Funeral
 

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Love that one Rubens!!!

oldy but goodie
 

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The
> > > > > personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report

> > > > > to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
> > > > > manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
> > > > > ranting about this new employee.
> > > > >
> > > > > He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing
> > > > > up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
> > > > > factory floor to show him the problem.
> > > > >
> > > > > Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the
> > > > > end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the
> > > > > material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They
> > > > > both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
> > > > > around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package
> > > > > between Elmo's legs.
> > > > >
> > > > > The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After
> > > > > several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the
> > > > > woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me
> > > > > yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Quotables
 

QUOTABLE QUOTES

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy


6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry


7) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

8) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

9) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

10) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

11) "wanna know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

12) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and it's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

15) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

17) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

18) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown
:lol:

something we can all relate to
 

Addicted???

If you can relate with this you might want to
consider pulling the plug for a day or two!



You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.

You actually use the word "puter" instead of "computer".

When talking on the phone you catch yourself saying "brb" instead of "hang on".

When you hear a joke you laugh and say "LOL" out loud.

You know more about your online friends lives than you do your own spouses.

When telemarketers call you scream at them saying "Quit Spamming me!".

When someone asks for your address you start off with "www."

You don't have contact with friends or family unless they have email.

Your dreams are computer related.

You no longer send birthday cards in the mail, but online.

You find yourself drawing smiley faces on letters, that is if you even write letters anymore.

You beg your friends to get online so you can "chat".

You spend more on upgrading your computer than you spend for food each week.

You spend most of your day in your pajamas.

You run around frantically cleaning the house right before your spouse comes home.

You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away.

You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on-line again.

You have more than one screen name or email account.

You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists.

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

You get up at 2 am to go the bathroom and to check your email.

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

You double click your tv remote.

You can now type over 60 wpm.

It doesn´t bother you when people can´t type with correct grammar.

You stop speaking in full sentences.

You no longer wait for the mailman to arrive, what good are they anyway? They are too slow!

You wish your spouse would work longer so you can spend more time on the web!

You forgot to pick the kids up from school because you were too busy chatting.

You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on".

You refer to your family members as DH, DD, DS, MIL, SIL, BIL, (you get the idea).

You read this whole page and now you are going to forward it to all of your online buddies!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off.
Otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

How Could I Ever Repay You?
 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever had before!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all
the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you
on the cheek." :chin:

"For Women Only"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

time to muzzle the kid dept...
 

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do
the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" >>

ROFLOLPIMP! I wish I'd had those comments for my last colonoscopy.

Food for thought...

Sometimes... when you cry .... no one
sees your tears ...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees
you smile ....

But fart just one time...

Ode to My MIL

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years. "

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't
betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger cousin could never dream of.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

ANDY ROONEY

okay...one more
 

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

> When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

> Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

> When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

> If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

> If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

>Yup...gonna be a bear.
>
>

Sent by my dad who is deployed in Oman right now!
 

Current Events Test



> What is the Iraqi air force motto?
> I came, I saw, Iran.
>
> Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise programme?
> Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them
there.
>
> What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
> Two days.
>
> What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
> They both have Kurds in their way.
>
> What is the best Iraqi job?
> Foreign ambassador.
>
> Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
> You only have to teach them to take off.
>
> How do you play Iraqi bingo?
> B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2
>
> What is Iraq's national bird?
> Duck.
>
> What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
> They both want to know where the **** those Tomahawks are coming from!
>
> Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
> So they can see their air force.

Ok this may not be the most PC thing I have posted, but it made me laugh....



"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

-Chris Rock

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "thelesser of two weevils."

3. Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up the shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh, this is so bad) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Groan! Good ones. Keepers!

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
----------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
----------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
--------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
-----------
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

=====
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

Hehe
 

HAHAHAHAHA!!! :lol:

Those were great! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Those were funny, huh? I was embarrassed to post them... thought I was being a little lame. You girls are so affirming. :D

I can really relate to the last one!

I need one of those perfect breakfast's ;-)

Miss Chris

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE (THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED):

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair..
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE (THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:)

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends..
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

GOOD ONES!!!!! Except I think success is having sex....

so are you in your 20s or your 60s, dentrassi?

Right in the middle!!! (44)
I'm SUPPOSED to love money right now!!!!! (SEX is even better than food....)
drool........

Well, I am in my 20s, and according to that chart I am really unsuccessful. :( Oh well.


Here is something cute a friend sent me:
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry - three-wish genies are a myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said: "Let me see that freakin' map again

Squeak-Me too!! I DON'T have the financial success, and I DON'T get enough sex. (But then, there is no such thing!!!) HOWEVER, I no longer pee in my pants....except sometimes when I laugh too hard!!!!!!!

LOLPIMP

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

* * * * * * * * * * * *

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on
the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I I hoped
I wouldn't see. Tthe man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
(This is my personal favorite.)

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So,
how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

* * * * * * * * * * * *

And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He
looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Okay...I thought I would finally add a little to the humour section here...this is not a cute quote or anything like that-this is a true little embarassing moment that happened to me recently...Hope you get a laugh out of my misfortune. :D

I have two kids-a four year old daughter, and a 2 year old son. I am so used to seeing all the tv commercials, that I never really even pay that much attention to them anymore-but obviously to my 4 year old-they are a great source for learning about things-what they are, what they are for...
Well, I had never really paid that much attention until after the fact-but if you ever really think about it, feminine protection commercials are pretty graphic anymore-actually showing a product going into a pair of panties type of simulation and so on ...obviously graphic enough to let a small child know what they are for and where they go!
Well, my husband and I were at the checkout with the kids getting ready to pay for our items, and I was getting the checkbook ready and all while the cashier (who was a college aged young MAN, of course) was scanning all of the items and putting them in the bag. I was only half paying attention, and by the time I realized what my daughter was doing-it was too late. She was watching the cashier intently, and was gleefully and loudly speaking as he rang up each item. "Mom is paying for pineapple, Mom is paying for milk, Mom is paying for shampoo, Mom is paying for baby wipes, Mom is paying for "BUTT THINGS", Mom is paying for yogurt..."
When I realized what she said-and that it was referring to my feminine products...I thought I was going to DIE RIGHT THERE. I don't know who was more embarassed-me or the cashier! My husband gets embarassed at nothing-he just started loudly cracking up right there...and periodically he would start laughing all over again the rest of the evening.
Aphil

That is VERY funny Aphil!!!! Once when I was in college I had to buy some "BUTT THINGS" at the corner store. From a young man who sneeringly asked me if I wanted a bag.......I answered, "NO! I'll eat them here!!!" HE was totally embarassed which was great, since he was trying to do that to me.

Kids are SO refreshingly honest, aren't they? There have been times when I have wanted to gag mine!!!!

You girls are so funny. :lol: