Practicing for a mammogram
............................................

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

Subject: Zen Type Thoughts


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the **** alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he can eat two meals in a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

13. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

21. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

22. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

23. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Oh, that last one was good...but they're ALL good! Keep 'em comin', chickies!

I love those Zen thoughts!

Some of these are pretty clever...nice play on words.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it
-- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too
exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to
my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy enough.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian -- until I realized there was no
future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
was always the same old grind.

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Love that one Rubens!!!

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The
> > > > > personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report

> > > > > to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel
> > > > > manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts
> > > > > ranting about this new employee.
> > > > >
> > > > > He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing
> > > > > up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the
> > > > > factory floor to show him the problem.
> > > > >
> > > > > Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the
> > > > > end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the
> > > > > material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They
> > > > > both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
> > > > > around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package
> > > > > between Elmo's legs.
> > > > >
> > > > > The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After
> > > > > several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the
> > > > > woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me
> > > > > yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

QUOTABLE QUOTES

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy


6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry


7) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

8) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

9) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

10) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

11) "wanna know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

12) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and it's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

15) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

17) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

18) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown

Addicted???

If you can relate with this you might want to
consider pulling the plug for a day or two!



You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.

You actually use the word "puter" instead of "computer".

When talking on the phone you catch yourself saying "brb" instead of "hang on".

When you hear a joke you laugh and say "LOL" out loud.

You know more about your online friends lives than you do your own spouses.

When telemarketers call you scream at them saying "Quit Spamming me!".

When someone asks for your address you start off with "www."

You don't have contact with friends or family unless they have email.

Your dreams are computer related.

You no longer send birthday cards in the mail, but online.

You find yourself drawing smiley faces on letters, that is if you even write letters anymore.

You beg your friends to get online so you can "chat".

You spend more on upgrading your computer than you spend for food each week.

You spend most of your day in your pajamas.

You run around frantically cleaning the house right before your spouse comes home.

You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away.

You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on-line again.

You have more than one screen name or email account.

You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists.

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

You get up at 2 am to go the bathroom and to check your email.

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

You double click your tv remote.

You can now type over 60 wpm.

It doesnīt bother you when people canīt type with correct grammar.

You stop speaking in full sentences.

You no longer wait for the mailman to arrive, what good are they anyway? They are too slow!

You wish your spouse would work longer so you can spend more time on the web!

You forgot to pick the kids up from school because you were too busy chatting.

You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on".

You refer to your family members as DH, DD, DS, MIL, SIL, BIL, (you get the idea).

You read this whole page and now you are going to forward it to all of your online buddies!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off.
Otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever had before!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all
the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you
on the cheek."

"For Women Only"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do
the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" >>