Good Morning Ladies!
I've just been talking to a work friend who has sworn off sweets until Thanksgiving in hopes of jump-starting her WW program. While talking I realized how awfully I've been doing. I've been on a sweets binge for a solid week. Not tons, not since last snack day, but just a bite here and a bite there. A handfull of M&M's from a desk candy dish, a brownie off the snack table
, a 33 cent toffee at the gas station, an ice cream bar, or two, after dinner. I have had this awful sweet tooth and nothing seems to kick it! Combine that with a huge appetite for real food lately and I'm not doing so well. I really, really want something greasy and bad for me - a double quarter pounder with cheese, deep-dish pizza, biscuits and gravy - it's awful. I'm not eating those things, but I want to. I don't think I'm gaining, but I'm doubt I'm losing either.
Worse yet, I can't seem to make myself care all that much. At 260 I'm pretty firmly in a size 20 now, which is a size I'm very used to. I've been about this big most of my life. I was this size when I married (both times). I was this size when I had DS. I have clothes from smaller days, 16's and 18's that were just so expensive or that I liked so much I couldn't get rid of them, but I'm used to a 20 and it seems to be used to me. My body likes this weight, even if my brain doesn't. I'm just so apathetic about it right now.
I expect a good deal of it is hormonal. AF has appeared again! 14 days since last time!
I
HATE this. I laid in bed last night and cried I was so depressed. DH was sleeping and I didn't wake him, just laid there feeling awful. I kept thinking about kids and how I know he wanted us to have kids and how I insisted we wait for a while then I had health problems and then I was 40 and just didn't want to have any more. Now I'm 42 and I wish I was 5 years younger or that we hadn't waited. Mostly I don't really feel that way. DS is 10 and won't really need us much longer and DH and I have time to be "us" instead of "us and the kids", which I like, but I keep feeling so blue about the whole thing, like I've made a horrible mistake and now it's too late. But deep down I
don't really want more kids. I want DH and I to travel and see the world, not go to Disney World and Chucky Cheese. I enjoy not having kids in tow. I never was mother of the year. I love my son, but I'm enjoying his being more independant.
Don't worry, I feel fine now. If anything I'm ticked off at myself for having these funks. Frankly, it's irrational and not like me at all...I'm not given to regrets as a general rule, I think they're a waste of time. But I'm moody and *****y and tense...what's up with me!!!
I just feel like I have no life outside of work and home is boring too! Mid-life crisis??? Menopause??? Becoming Old and Neurotic???
Back on topic. This is all translating to my working on weight loss. I just can't seem to care about it much these days. I'm not going back for seconds or covering my food with gravy but I'm also not worrying much about points or my water intake. I still have 70 lbs to lose darn it! I don't want to quit, but other than feeling generally angry and ticked off, I also don't want to diet anymore. And exercise - forget it. Even if we didn't have the puppies that keep me tied to the dang house I doubt I'd get the the Y - it's been a waste of $42 a month for couple months now!
Someone give me a big kick in the big butt!
Perhaps part of the problem is I didn't get to do the stuff we had planned. I love my new puppies, but they've caused me to miss 3 SCA events and the Kansas City Renaissance Festival, and I even get into that for free since we're considered VIP's due to our involvement with the local festival.
We had all these plans, but instead we bought puppies. I can't even get any sewing done, because DH always has school or homework and now he's started gaming, so the puppies fall to me and it's not like I can just leave them running loose and go to the sewing room - they'd destroy the house (or whatever room they were in!)
So I'm in a funk and it's more than ticking me off at myself and the world in general. Are you all sick of this self-pity, whiney, poor-poor-me crud yet?
Thin: I finished the book some time ago. I've been meaning to send it back...but it has also fallen victim to the procrastination that is me these days. It was pretty good! I enjoyed it. Did you know there actually is a international jousting organization that does the real joust just like in the middle ages? I looked it up on the internet after I read the book. Too funny - I'd love to see it, but those guys are just nuts!
I'm sorry I've spent all this time whining and venting and griping and moaning. But I do feel a bit better having done so. Feel free to ignore me or yell at me, as you choose.
Thanks ladies -
I was such a slug yesterday. I ran to the post office, got coffee and Subways for dinner and came home. I was in my nitey most of the day. Even took a nap in the afternoon! 
Guess that means that I'm playing with MORE than the two pounds up and down. Geez, I sure didn't think I would ever see THAT number again! I realize I wasn't THAT far South of it, but I just never thought I would get THERE again. Time to REALLY get to work and not just provide lip-service to the issue. 
I have to go through my linen closet as well. I'm trying to get stuff together to ship out to the boy's houses. It will be a perfect opportunity for me to thin out some of the useable crap I have around here. Better in THEIR house than mine!!! * NO, I'm afraid there isn't any easy way to lose. I don't know anything about the CORE plan as I quit going to WW before that plan was introduced. I think Terri (determinedtosucceed) is/was doing CORE. She's in Vegas this week, but be sure to ask again when she gets back.
ya bunches!!!
