[AotL]

So, I used to be someone else on here. Not really well known, and it was all the back around 2012. And I went from (approximately, though it might've been a lot more) 350 down into the 190s. Then my dad had a stroke, which brought him back into my life, but did not improve his temperament. And I went to graduate school in a different city (MSLIS, now on my PhD) which played merry havoc with my moods and ability to get the foods I was used to. I was doing 1200 calories. It was not plenty for me, despite what Reddit says.

I also discovered that losing weight made me hate my body more. Hello, gender dysphoria! Who knew that looking more like a woman would make me feel like such absolute crap? I mean, I sort of did--I started buying items at men's stores long before I got to the 190s--but man, was I not prepared for the intensity. Kind of confirmed what I thought, which is that, hey, actually a guy.

I tried meeting friends on OKCupid, because I'm terminally naive. Got sexually assaulted for my troubles. Didn't realize bringing a guy into my room to hang out would go that way. Didn't really love that attention.

Got an Ehlers-Danlos diagnosis a couple of years ago after my sister was diagnosed and said, hey, maybe get this checked out. I'd been feeling pretty crap for about five or so years, but that was normal for my mom's side of the family. She had hand arthritis in her early 30s. It explained a lot of why most exercise was outright painful/impossible for me. Even physical therapy told me to avoid some of the stuff I thought was safe, like the frog kick during the breaststroke.

These are a series of excuses, but they're real ones, and valid.

My lowest recorded weight was 192. Back in March, I started on testosterone therapy, and also saw a nutritionist. After about three weeks following her guidelines, I stepped on a scale. It said 450. I died a little inside. I mean, I've always been an overachiever (when I don't burn out), but this was ridiculous.

Followed her plan for about another month. Fell off the wagon hard then. I finally picked it back up in September. Not 1200 calories this time, but 1800 (officially; it ends up being between 1600 - 1700 most days in practice). I weighed in this morning at just under 385.

Everyone tells me to be proud of this ("65 pounds! That's incredible!"), but only if they know about it. And most don't, because at that size, 65 pounds isn't that dramatic. I've done the math (well--the nih calculator, at least; it's been pretty accurate so far). At my current weight, and including my increase in activity (which I can't guarantee, given the EDS; my freaking cartilage on my rib is inflamed from Nothing In Particular™, and it's making my swimming a pain), it's going to take two years to get to my goal weight.

Two. Years.

It's so tempting to cut even more calories, but with the testosterone, I don't think I can or should; I know I can't do 1200 long term, and I fear playing around with the balance will just utterly mess things up. But, like...this is really, really depressing.

I have friends who are also losing weight, as is my boyfriend. They have much shorter paths, coming from a lower starting weight, and I'm just so jealous. I feel lucky that the testosterone hasn't really increased my appetite, but has appeared to increase my metabolism/TDEE to male levels, but **** if it isn't frustrating.

And I wanted to rant here, because y'guys will probably understand better than, say, my friends.

One of my best friends says, sometimes, as a word of warning, a quote that I think's from Indiana Jones. "Don't get cocky, kid."

Really should have listened to that one.

[silentarctic]

welcome back, its pretty quiet here these days. But hopefully you find what you need to support you on your journey.

I can't even begin to imagine what is like to face all those other challenges, but the struggling to lose weight part I can.

[WorkingMommaBear]

I’m in a very similar boat. Was a former member. Fell off the wagon hard when my mom died. Just diagnosed with diabetes so I am completely changing my eating. When the doc weighed me I was shocked to see 406. But in the first month on new eating plan I am down 15#. So here’s to second tries (or tenth or whatever).

[CatherineM]

For me the most important thing has been figuring out why I was overeating. The diet kind of becomes easier then.

[lostbutstilltrying]

I too was active a long time ago, lost then regained plus - I haven't even updated my stats yet! Anyway, we have some things in common so I thought I would suggest something that has finally started working for me, which is intermittent fasting combined with my calorie counting - because it makes that small number of calories seem to stretch farther when I don't try to stretch it across multiple meals and snacks. I wish you the best of luck!

[ChickieBoom]

I have days when I just want the weight off...most days are like that. I'm also a regainer. I lost over 100 pounds back in 2012/2013 and gained it back plus some extra. I talk to myself most days and remind myself that time is passing whether the number on the scale is going up or going down. When I started over in March at 294 pounds I thought, "this will take forever" but the truth is that that mentality is what kept me fat. "This will take forever so eat another bowl of ice cream and worry about your weight later" "This will take forever so don't start today you can start tomorrow". Those tomorrows added up to years and extra weight.

The idea of one day at a time isn't sexy or exciting but it's the truth. Just take it one day at a time because the good days will add up just like the bad ones do. A year of good days will be a beautiful thing and it won't take nearly as long as you think it will. Two years may seem like a long time but it's really not that long and you'll have so many good moments before then anyway.

65 pounds down is AMAZING. You should be super proud of yourself. You'll be here to celebrate 100 pounds down before you know it. I lost 60 pounds before anyone noticed I had lost weight last time and then I was super uncomfortable with all of the attention I was getting.

I'm heading to the gym now to lift some weights and climb some stairs. That's what I do whenever I start thinking of self-sabotaging.

[ruby2sday]

Welcome back I have been off and on here for a long time (apparently 20 years). I have lost/regained/lost/regained repeatedly. It's a struggle for sure, and that's not even dealing with the number of things you are. You are down 65 lbs which is awesome! I know as the one losing it, it may not feel enough. I find that myself, until I gain it all back then I think .. yeah, that wasn't so bad after all lol. Slow and steady Don't get cocky, kid

[ChickieBoom]

I have points in my life that are tied to various weights and it’s always a mini-milestone when I hit that weight again. I remember how unhappy I was at certain weights and then I gain more weight and my perspective totally changes. So I’m trying to enjoy the journey back down.