I mostly lurk on these forums but I find that the more weight I lose the more I'm drawn to this site. I come for inspiration. I come for ideas. Now I'm here for some advice. I'm not super familiar with how this works so I hope I'm in the right place.
I'm 22 years old and I've been overweight most of my life. I've really been a bitter or depressed big girl but every now and then I feel a little frustrated with my weight. I've recently been really dedicated to eating healthier in exercising. It's been going really good so far and I'm feeling good about myself.
However, I still have that big girl anxiety issue.
On to the advice....I need to give you some background first. There is this guy who I met last year at work. He works for the main office of the firm I work for and he is the IT guy so he was down doing some work for our office. When I met him I immediately was drawn to him. He's my age and he was very quiet (a lot like me), smart, funny and kind. We sat next to one another for most of the week but only had a handful of conversations but I just found him so interesting.
Fast forward a few months...I start answering the phones at my office. Well, the guy calls a lot to talk to the boss or her assistant because he handles all the tech stuff. Anyway, over the past few months he's been talking to me longer and longer before actually asking for who he's calling for. I'm the type of person who you have to hit in the head with a truck before I think you are flirting with me. Well, he's actually called a few times just to strictly talk to me which I was confused about at first. We always talk about just random stuff. Anyway, we've recently started texting each other outside of work every now and then. Some initiated by me and some by him. We even stayed up until 2:30AM texting one night. Well, I've only told a handful of people about it and I've even let them read some of the texts and they think that he's interested.
There is part of me that thinks that maybe he is interested. I find myself analyzing things that he says (i think all girls do). However, there is this other part of me that is like WHY would he like me. Maybe he's just nice.
I've never had a boyfriend ever in my life and I'm so confused by all of this. It's been giving me major anxiety. On a good note it also has pushed me to workout longer and harder because I don't want him to come back down and me to still be super fat.
Anyway, I've had anxiety over how to approach our relationship. He's a shy guy. So I find it hard to believe that he would just come out and say if he liked me as more than a friend. I'm exactly the same way. Plus, I'm terrified of rejection so no way would I ever tell him that I liked him as more than a friend because I'm so scared of ruining everything. Then there is part of me that's like why label it...just enjoy it for whatever it is. Then I start thinking what if he's waiting for me to make the move and I don't and we miss out.
The thought that keeps bothering me is how could a guy like him (I know you are probably picturing a geeky guy since he's a tech guy but he's Latin and gorgeous and not geeky at all) like a girl like me (a big girl).
Ok so now that I've said all that I guess what I'm wanting to know is how should I approach the situation? should I be bold? Or should I just hope he will be? has anyone else been in a situation similar?
I'm just so conflicted and it has been keeping me up at night.
I do not have much experience in this area, though i can definitely relate.
What I would say is that there are some genuine people out there that like people and love them for who they are.
I think the biggest issue is:
"What does he see in me that I don't see?"
This simply points back to the fact that you need to begin learning to love yourself once again. Once all the weight is gone, you do not want all this baggage still here.
Trust me, Its not only a weight issue: We all put on the weight for multiple issues, not simply because we were "crazy for food" or something.
Once the weight is gone and this guy wanted to talk to you, you would still be in the same mindset, because the root issue is still present.
What I personally started to do was to take small things that I liked about myself,
Physically, socially and so forth.
It helps me to have a clear goal for losing weight:
I lose weight because I am worth it and I love myself and want me to be the healthiest me that I can.
When I use to Yo-Yo, I could only think about How good I would look to other people and everything was focused on the circumstances.
"No one can put you down unless they are carrying you to begin with"
I am learning to not get acceptance from people, but i am also learning to relax and enjoy the life that i have been given.
I dreaded male attention growing up and went on my first date when I was 26, and ended up marring the guy a year later (and am still happily married 2 1/2years later). He wasn't shy with people, but was afraid of being rejected by me so he wouldn't ask me out. I eventually started "tricking" him into things. Like if a movie I liked and I figured he probably did too was coming out I would mention it and he'd always fall right into the trap and say "hey, if it works out maybe I could get a group together and we could all go next week." Well, he never got a group together, and we would end up going just the 2 of us. That's how our first couple dates went, then when he saw I kept coming back to him/returning phone calls/laughed at his jokes, then he got the courage to take more initiative.
I figured if we didn't end up together, it was still something we both enjoyed doing and it would still be fun to hang out.
Location: The beautiful Pacific Northwest! Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 500
S/C/G: 330/268/150
Height: 5'7"
I think before you worry about telling him you like him I would try a few dates or platonic outings.
If you don't wanna ask him out, you could try hinting about something you are dying to do. (EXAMPLE: I really wanted to see Batman and none of my friends wanna go.) If he's looking for an opening to ask you out he'll probably do it then.
If that doesn't work, then hint you want to go to something he's interested in. (Oh, you hike? Awesome! I have been wanting to go on a short day hike. Something good for beginners. Do you think you could show me a good place to go for my first time?)
Just keep the conversation going. Texts, calls, whatever. Don't always make him initiate it. Make it easy on him to talk to you. If your shyness makes you unapproachable you won't ever get asked out. If you are easy to talk to he'll wanna do it more and more. And try to get him to talk about himself. People usually think a conversation goes well when they do most of the talking. Smile a lot. And laugh. It feels good to be around happy people. You don't have to be fake, but remembering to smile and be yourself really helps.
To win at love, you've got to be willing to lose. You've got to be willing to reject and be rejected. Rejection is always part of the game, otherwise everyone would marry the first person willing to go out with them. Man would that suck.
I've lost opportunities because I was afraid to express my interest openly, though I usually worked up the courage to face rejection many times. And sometimes I was rejected (and I didn't die of embarassment, like I thought I would) and sometimes I wasn't (and made the risk of near-fatal embarassment seem worth it).
Ironically, one guy I didn't have the guts to aggressively pursue was a super shy guy I met at work (he wasn't just painfully shy, the guy's social skills were practically nil, I'm not even sure what I found so attractive about him, maybe because he didn't take what I thought was super-obvious hints).
I got our little work clique to start inviting him to lunch with us (before that the folks on our side of the office would wait until he went to the bathroom
and then sneak out to lunch so they wouldn't have to invite him). He eventually warmed up to the group and we all became fairly decent friends. Turns out the guy was actually very warm and witty once he warmed up to people (but the warm up took weeks if not months).
I even asked HIM out two or three times (low-pressure, just friends meeting for coffee or a movie type of thing) but he always turned me down. I just assumed that he got my hint and just wasn't interested (though later a male in our group told me that the guy wouldn't ever say yes to an invite that didn't include at least two other people. He didn't even hang with guy friends unless it was in a group setting).
I changed jobs, met my hubby through a personal ad I placed (clearly stating my size, dieting experience and desire to get healthier and thinner, and my interest in dating men in similar situations or who could be sympathetic to it).
I heard it through mutural friends still working with the nerdy guy that he appeared terribly disappointed when he heard I was getting married. Now maybe he had been interested, or maybe he wasn't and just thought "if she can find someone, why can't I?"
But it did make me wonder how he would have responded if I had been even MORE blatant about my personal interest in him (that I wasn't asking him out "as friends.")
I'll never know. Though in the end, I'm very glad things worked out the way they did, because otherwise I wouldn't have met hubby who is so perfect for me that it's scary.
Even though hubby and I are perfect for each other, and neither of us is anything approaching shy, we had a bit of a communication problem as well, in that neither of us wanted to be the first one to admit we were interested in each other as more than friends (even though we were spending almost every non-work, waking hour together or talking on the phone).
Our first dates were really awkward too. We'd have amazing, endless conversations on the phone and in emails and then we'd have nothing to say to each other when we met in person (if someone would have told me that the guy I was seeing was a different guy than the guy I was writing to and talking to on the phone, I would have believed it... he was a total dud in person for the first three or four dates, luckily the phone/letter conversations were so amazing I decided to stick with it to see if I could get THAT person to show up on the dates).
He did eventually come out of his shell more, but it was very difficult to read whether he wanted more from the relationship (and I guess I was difficult to read too), because finally, I blurted out (after we'd been seeing each other for almost two months), "So are we dating, or not?"
Hubster wouldn't even give a straight answer until I answered FIRST, rambling on and on about how he'd been getting mixed messages from me. I finally laid it all on the line and said, "I'm very much interested in and attracted to you, how about you?" THEN and only then did hubby admit that he was interested in dating me too.
We married less than a year later.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained really is true when it comes to romance. If you don't risk rejection, you end up alone, because no one (even if you're model-thin and drop-dead gorgeous) will beat a path to your door.
I've had better luck with dating than many of my thin and pretty friends and family members, because I was willing to face rejection and not take it personally (I saw it as my job to reject anyone who wasn't right for me, so I took it less personally when someone rejected me because I wasn't right for them... and I didn't automatically assume it was my weight or care if it was. If I rejected a guy because I found his voice annoying or because he had a habit I found disgusting, I couldn't really blame him for rejecting me for a similarly superficial reason, such as my weight).
You can take it personally, or you can take a chance.
1) You posted here because you want to do it... somewhere at least some part of you.
2) Do it then.
3) Text him or call him and go "So. What's this relationship then? Are we just friends from work here? Or what? I need some clarification.
But honestly? I don't stay up til 2 AM texting with my work friends.
Rejection? That's not a big deal hon. You don't have much more here than a little crush thing. And some of them will fly higher for longer. But should this kite come back to earth, that doesn't mean the short flight wasn't "Wheeeee!" kinds of fun.
And there will be more fun in store for you.
But this other stuff of what iffing yourself to pieces? Just decide that's enough of THAT and be bold. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. So live it juicy and be bold. Ask your feller wassup. It will be ok no matter what he says.
If yes -- kick it up a notch.
If no -- yay. It was a baby kite flight, and it was fun, and now you can move on to the next one and not be stuck in limbo, while stil semi flirting with this one but knowing it's just friend flirting.
Win for you either way and you haven't lost anything.
What wonderful advice on here, chubby girl I love your approach!
Shining star I dated for a while before I found my husband. I made a seriously bad choice when I got together with my son's dad. I thought that because I was fat I had to settle for second/third/fourth best. So I approached dating in a different way. I was very upfront with the men I emailed or spoke to over the phone. "you don't like curvy?? that's fine you are not for me"
This chap knows you are curvy, enjoys being with you and I dare say admires your beautiful skin or sparkling eyes or sense of humour heaps more than he judges your jiggly bits.
I would advise you to stick your head over the parrapet my lovely. Sometimes you get shot at and yes that's not nice, but you will never see your prince coming over the horizon unless you do.
Good luck ...and keep us posted!
I didn't read the other replies, so forgive me if I cover similar ground.
I spent nearly all of my life at a normal weight and became heavy only in my late 30s.
I say that to say this: relationships are never easy, regardless of size. The sorts of things you are dealing with, everyone deals with. It is simply part of being human.
Yes, there are some men (and women) who are attracted only to certain exteriors. Those people aren't the ones you want to be in a relationship with anyway.
My best advice: stop stressing about this and ENJOY it!! Don't try to forecast the future based on a few phone conversations.
If you want to explore possibly dating this fellow. Do it. Not so aggressively that you scare him off, but slowly encourage more conversation and then just let him know that you enjoy it......maybe even ask him for a coffee if he seems receptive. If he says "No", then so what? There are reasons, which have NOTHING to do with you, that may keep him from dating you. At least you tried!
Great things in life don't just happen to you. You have to go get what you want. Size is no reason not to do this.
Looking back on my life it is the things that I didn't do, rather than the things that I did which I regret.
Remember: you are completely lovable just as you are, today.
I want to say, "Thank you sooo much!!" to every single one of you guys. All of your advice was very good and encouraging.
A few nights ago we were talking and I told him that I liked him. I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up but I am so glad that I did it!! His reply back was so incredibly sweet and now I have a much better understanding of our relationship. We aren't dating or anything serious we are still going to continue to get to know one another but I'm glad that I could actually express myself.
AGAIN THANK YOU!! I probably would have never said anything if it hadn't been for all you gals. I'm so excited!!
I would take a step to get to know him a bit as a friend first- that way you don't have to feel super uncomfortable (like you might if you put yourself out there and asked him on a date) and can see how things go in person. Maybe ask him out to coffee or lunch sometime?
He doesn't live here. So that make it really difficult to like actually go on a date. He lives about 8 hours from where I live. He's suppose to be back in a couple of months to come to a party that my family is throwing so I'm hopefully we can spend some time together then.
Thank you!! I am so not use to this..I seriously think I have a problem. He just told me I was pretty and I started crying. OMG, I'm such a dork.
I know the feeling! It absolutely stops me in my tracks when a guy gives me a compliment that is obviously genuine enough that I actually believe it. We probably could both stand to double our confidence levels
Okay so all of yall helped me so much and gave me great advice that gave me the confidence to be bold so I just wanted to pop in and give an update.
The guy and I are still talking!! It's been three months now and I have really started to like him which scares the day lights out of me. He is so incredibly sweet and just says all these wonderful things to me. He is just so amazing in every way!! It's hard for me to believe he's real. He meets every qualification on my list. And yes I have a list of standards a guy must meet. LOL, call me picky.
We had plans to meet earlier in the month this month. Well, he was literally going to drive 4 hours and spend all this money just to spend 6 hours with me and turn around with no sleep and drive back home. I thought that was so great of him and it scored him major points. I couldn't let him do that though so I told him we had to reschedule. He was like ok well we have to make future plans right now or else I'm driving up anyway. Again MAJOR POINTS for that. It made me feel like he was super eager to see me
Anyway, we are getting up in December so I'm super excited but I'm super nervous. The good thing is I am about 50lbs lighter than the last time he saw me...even though I know he obviously doesn't care about that. However, I am still nervous. I'm a newbie to this who relationship thing.
Anyway, I just wanted to say THANK YOU too all of you who gave me advice. I appreciate it so much!!
Big Girl Needs Relationship Advice
So that make it really difficult to like actually go on a date. He lives about 8 hours from where I live. He's suppose to be back in a couple of months to come to a party that my family is throwing so I'm hopefully we can spend some time together then.
