Welcome back CROCK!!!! Great to see you, how are things/work/study/life in general?xxxxxxx
Zelma, great on having this kind of attitude, even when the scales are not good. This 'change of life' thing is terrible, I keeo being 1-2 weeks 'late' it's driving me crazy, mood swings, hot sweats, thinking I'm 'past it', lol whatever 'it' is, lol.xxxxxxx
Ammi, having a couple of days 'off' after your success is hardly a crime!!!! Hope you are feeling more 'yourself' soon.xxxxxx
Well, I had an ok time at my parents', didn't drink as much as normal coz was scared I was pregnant! I came back 3lbs lighter, so I'm back to a reasonable weight, just got to drop a 100+, lol!
Bliss/Jane, great to 'see' you & love your 'Diary of a Witch' quote!xxxxx
Well I'm feeling so weird, swollen boobs, no TOM, did a pregnancy test, I'M NOT!! Phew!!!! But I am worried about how my body is workingor not, as the case may be. Anyone ben through/going through the menopause tell me how it is, just in case I'm 'early' for it?
xxxxxsharon
I have a friend who writes me letters where she talks about people or things that she assumes I know about, and it drives me crazy. It dawned on me that most people here don’t know what happened to me, and it might be polite and therapeutic to talk about it.
I used to be the staff attorney with a state-wide ecumenical organization trying to help family farmers keep their farms. One of my jobs was to monitor rural white supremacists groups that were preying on desperate farmers. I was asked to testify in open federal court against the leader of one of the larger cell groups. I was just young enough and idealistic enough to think that I could do it without consequences. They shot the windows of my bedroom out the week before court. I wasn’t home thankfully.
3 months after testifying, about the time I had started to let my guard down, I was working late by myself at my office, and I have very little actual memory of what happened. I remember sensations and some sounds, but only flashes. I was found by the cleaning woman at the bottom of this sweeping marble staircase. I had lots of defensive wounds to my forearms, wrists and hands, a stab wound above my right eyebrow and a stab wound to the middle of my left hand with some kind of wood carving tool still embedded. I had a dislocated shoulder, a torn ACL in my left knee, and a severe head injury. I also had a broken big toe, and my back was really messed up. I tore muscles discs, and tendons, etc. in my lower back. My priest sat with me all night. He said when he first came in one of my eyes was pointing the wrong direction, and he thought I was going to die.
When they took the neck brace off, my neck was encircled with large hand shaped bruises that hadn’t been there when the EMT’s put me on the backboard. The doctor said that my shot putter neck muscles probably kept me from being strangled to death. My attacker probably thought I was dead. They popped my shoulder back in, gave me a follow up with an orthopedic surgeon who eventually did surgery on my knee. I tried to go back to work like nothing happened. I had no physical therapy for the traumatic brain injury or back injury because worker’s comp wanted my private insurance to pay because I was outside my office, and my private insurance wouldn’t pay because it was work related. As far as I know they are still fighting over who was to pay for the knee surgery. I refused to believe that anything was wrong with my head.
Huge chunks of my memory are gone. As an example, I used to be able to speak French and Spanish. Now I can’t. I can read them, but can’t understand when spoken to or make myself understood. I watch the French channel here with the closed captioning on so I can read what they are saying. Finally about 2 years after the attack someone I had gone to law school with took me for lunch and told me that I needed to retire or the Bar was going to call me in for a competency hearing. This was right after I had a big episode in court. I had been preparing for court by writing everything I needed to ask or say to each person on note cards in order. I had trouble remembering people’s names or why I was there or which case I was working on. I even put photos of the witnesses on the corner of the card so I’d know which one’s for sure to ask which questions in case they got called out of order. One day I dropped the cards and they got mixed up. For someone who had never lost a case, that people hated facing in court because I had everything memorized and could remember every little thing that any witness had ever said, it was terrifying.
I stood at the lectern unable to speak. Opposing council finally asked for a recess. That was my last trip to court. I walked with a cane for several years before injuring my back again. After that it was a wheelchair until just over 2 years ago. I used to play guitar, but the wound to the palm of my left hand affected the nerves. I have nightmares and flashbacks. I startle easily, and if I have too much stress, I get confused or terrified. I can’t talk on the phone for some reason. I might have been on the phone right before the attack or something. I can’t even stand to hear it ring. I get panic attacks, have some hearing loss, and can get bad vertigo if the little broken bones in my ear float into the wrong place. After all that the thing that bothers me the most is the scar in my eyebrow. The hair that grows there gets ingrown sometimes because of the thickness of the scar tissue and its going gray right there and no where else.
Now that I’ve put a voice to it, I actually feel better, although I’ve probably made all of you feel worse. My best revenge is to live a full, happy life. I feel like today, maybe I can get back on track. Thanks.
I am a little bit frustrated today. I don't believe I have full blown social anxiety but sometimes I get a little hanged up. I really need to go see multiple doctors but the thought of going makes me feel sick! For example I need to go to an ENT I have a lot of ear problems that stem from childhood from having tubes etc. But I can't for the life of me go! I keep thinking I will be the fattest person in the waiting room etc. The anxiety is all because of my weight. For example I worry about going to get my vision checked and going to the dentist because I don't know if I can fit in the chair. I dunno just having one of those days. I will go to the Dr., I just can't stand how I have to work up courage to go. Anyways..guess I just needed to vent.
Hi to anyone new or returning!
CATHERINE~Thanks so much for sharing your story. Like Patti said you are a survivor!
Thank you for sharing your story, what an incredible story of survival.
I can't help but feel rage for you, what you went through is horrifying and atrocious...Did they catch the people that did this to you?? The fact that you have come such a long way since then is testament to your strength and will to survive. It wasn't your neck muscles that saved you, it was your will to live!! All I can say is I'm very honoured and humbled that you would speak out about this, and thank you.
Catherine - for the moment I am lost for words about what u went thro, and even tho I have lots of life experience I fear I am unequipped to empathise with you. But my heart goes out to you.
Ammi - glad u had a day off and are not feeling guilty about it, thats rock and roll!!
Me - did a shift today and then was soo tired when I got home, ache a bit from gym last nite, anyway just got back in from doing a 25 min speed walk at 9pm, with my little boy in the pouring rain, hows that for dedication!! lol
Want to try and exercise, with the minimum being a walk, every day to try and help burn a few pounds! Really hope I lose weight this week, would be so cool to get to one stone off!!
mechelle i know how you feel but you simply must go ... have you tried any anxiety pills/ they would help loads i do believe... i take paxil myself and it really makes a big difference to me
PATTI~Thanks for the suggestion hun. I have looked into it before. I took paxil a while back but I was on other meds for my health stuff that it didn't seem to work. I don't have really high anxiety...mostly all due to my size/insecurities. But I think I will look into it again. And I really do have to go. It just sucks having to spend weeks psyching myself up to go!
AMMI~Glad to see you are back on tack!
EMILY~WTG! That is for sure dedication!
Well tonight DH and I are going to check out the workout room. Last night it was pretty full. I think we will start to try to get up early and workout. They only have 3 cardio machines so I will have to make sure to get there early to get a machine!
Zelma: I love the book. It has helped me to understand the way my body functions soooo much. I really recommend it. I think you are more stressed than you know sweetie. Maybe you can do something away from all your stresses just you and Neil. Hugs.
Crock: So happy to see you back! How are you doing? I hope things are much better for you now! Let us know what you have been up to.
Jane: Yes, eating when you are not hungry is not so great but, be glad that you didn't reach for something other than rice cakes. Take pleasure in the small steps. Before you would have reached for something naugty. So, you are improving a bit. Hang in there.
Sharon: Feel better soon.
Catherine: Oh, sweet friend. I have read your story before when you have shared a couple of years ago and I am always so amazed at your strength. I would have given up. You are so strong. I just thank you so much for sharing with us. You are such a wonder. I will be praying that you feel better soon and get past this awful anniversary time. Hugs.
Michelle: I know how you feel. I have some really good Dr.s and Dentist here in Idaho if you are interested. PM me and I will give you my phone number and you can call me and I'll give you their numbers. If you are thinking about going back on an anxiety medication, please consider Cymbalta. I have been on it for almost 1 year and have gone from 10 to 20 panic attacks a day to maybe 1 every week or two. Hugs to you. Good luck getting the exercise machinwe you want.
Mechell-the way I handle going to new doctors is I call and say that I am the biggest woman that they will ever have seen, and are they going to have a problem with that and if so can the recommend a doctor/office where someone my size can receive compassionate care. It works like a charm. I get the original discomfort out of the way without having to look into the receptionist’s/nurse’s face. I did that before going to the OB for the first time here, and everyone bent over backwards to make me feel comfortable and welcome. One time I actually had a friend go into a doctor’s office ahead of time for me just to check to see if my wheelchair could fit.
Chimich-There was no prosecution because the EMT’s wrapped gauze around the tool in my hand and taped it still. They don’t remove things like that in the field because they can do more harm pulling it out, so they leave it for the hospital. The tape etc, removed any finger prints, and I couldn’t remember enough to testify, and the cleaning lady was an illegal who disappeared the minute the authorities arrived. In fact the whole thing was kept very quiet. The detective who came to talk to me in the emergency room was a friend from church. He didn’t recognize me, and didn’t know it was me until the nurse handed him my personal effects. He’s the one who called my priest. I don’t know what he said to him, but he made it to the hospital in less than 10 minutes, and he was in his 60’s at the time. The cop was able to keep it out of the papers. I didn’t want to really publicize it for fear that they might come back to finish the job.
Emily-thanks, you don’t need to worry about not having words. I have words enough most of the time for an entire football team. Walking is the best, and so is setting a good example for the little guy. I read where for every hour you walk, you add a day to your life expectancy.
Annie-I am back on track, without having to white knuckle it, and feel really great. I just came in from 90 minutes worth of shoveling. I even did the windrow which will only make sense to other Canadians I guess. I feel lighter already, thanks to everyone.
Catherine -- Thanks for sharing your story. I hadn't heard it before. I am ever impressed by your strength, and I hope you have a long long full revenge on the people who did it.
hello everybody! i don't know if anyone remembers me or not, but i started posting here last year in october, i think. i haven't been on since before christmas and have missed everybody. i'm not even trying to catch up with all that i've missed, but i hope everyone is doing well and is happy and hello to anyone new who's joined since i've been missing.
now, for the exciting news! the reason i haven't been posting is that i've been keeping a secret and knew if i came on, i'd spill the beans before i should. anyway, the secret is that i'm pregnant!! we thought so right before christmas and finally took a test the weekend after christmas and found out for sure. we're about 12 and half weeks along and i'm due at the end of august. things are going pretty well. i finally feel good most of the time and am starting to exercise again. i can't really try to lose weight now, but i have lost a little. some of it due to food not smelling good, but most is due to the diet i'm on now. i have borderline gestational diabetes and have to watch what i eat and take my blood sugar 4 times a day. the diet is confusing to me (counting carbs--everything i was eating and thought was so healthy has been bad choices....go figure!) and i think i'm not eating enough yet that's why i've lost a little. the dr's say that if the baby is growing and doing well though, they aren't too worried about it. since they are watching my sugar, we get ultrasounds every month. we had our first one last week. i even saw the baby move around! the picture doesn't look like much, but when we get a good one, i'll have to post it for you all to see. anyway, i'll be back more often now.
i don't have much more time so i'll skip personals for now, but i hope everyone is op and having great wi's! take care, lori
Wezi, CONGRATS!!!!!! I wondered if you were ok and was going to PM you in case you were fed up or giving up! lol It's sad that you have gestational diabetes BUT if it means you watch what you eat & it stops you gaining TOO much weight ( I gained over 100lbs in my first pregnancy, all in the last 6 months!!!!!!) it has to be good for you & baby. How excited is hubby & the rest of your family? How are 'your' boys taking it, ( the ones you nanny for) I hope they are happy and not jealous!xxxxxxxx
I am still in a funk about the lack of TOM, ick.
Catherine, I remember something about you telling us your health problems stemmed from some kind of attack a long while ago. I hope moving, marriage & a whole new life help you.xxxxxx
Michelle, glad the move went well. I'm sorry about you getting panicky, though having to move your whole life so far must be taking a toll on you. Seek help from a Dr. if you feel you need it, try to relax & give yourself some slack.xxxxxxx
I am not OP, everything feels rather 'in the air' at the moment, no period, no baby, (phew!!lol) not knowing what's going off with my body. I know I have to buckle down, it's just difficult at the moment.
I really don't know what I'd have done without you fantasic ladies to listen to my rants, moans & worries!
xxxsharon
Anyways..guess I just needed to vent.
Happy Valentine's Day!
we thought so right before christmas and finally took a test the weekend after christmas and found out for sure. we're about 12 and half weeks along and i'm due at the end of august. things are going pretty well. i finally feel good most of the time and am starting to exercise again. i can't really try to lose weight now, but i have lost a little. some of it due to food not smelling good, but most is due to the diet i'm on now. i have borderline gestational diabetes and have to watch what i eat and take my blood sugar 4 times a day. the diet is confusing to me (counting carbs--everything i was eating and thought was so healthy has been bad choices....go figure!) and i think i'm not eating enough yet that's why i've lost a little. the dr's say that if the baby is growing and doing well though, they aren't too worried about it. since they are watching my sugar, we get ultrasounds every month. we had our first one last week. i even saw the baby move around! the picture doesn't look like much, but when we get a good one, i'll have to post it for you all to see. anyway, i'll be back more often now.