Ugh, this is all going to sound really weird I think. My apologies in advance, but I really don’t know where else to ask about something like this! And I’m sorry this is so, so long.
I’m 33, and I have very few male friends. It’s been this way most of my life, maybe in part because I didn’t know how to have male friends without feeling really awkward in some way – which I’m sure came across somehow in my behavior or nervousness or something – and I think it was in part because I wasn’t a woman to whom most men would be attracted given my appearance (largely the weight, but even apart from that I’m not a pretty woman). I don’t know if that makes sense. Essentially, I think men were worried that I might take any friendly overtures the wrong way, when they were DEFINITELY not interested in having me attracted to them. I think I just made men uncomfortable, to be honest, however that came about.
Most of the men I’d somewhat count as friends at this point in my life are either a) the husbands of my close girlfriends, or b) male colleagues. I work in a field that is probably 70-80% women, and the only men among my direct co-workers are substantially younger than I am, but I do have a few colleagues (a former boss, a few collaborators, my PhD advisor, etc.) with whom I’d consider myself friendly. They aren’t people with whom I would typically make casual plans though, if that makes sense. We see each other at conferences and have fun hanging out in the evenings, and for those who are local we occasionally get together for lunch or for drinks after work or something, but it’s usually with a group and none of them are people I would call up on a Saturday and say “hey, want to go do X this afternoon?” Maybe in part because they all have kids (and I do not).
Lately though it seems that men in general are behaving differently toward me than they used to. It’s not sexual attention or flirtation… but rather it seems like it might just be a lack of worry that *I* might be attracted to them, and so there’s no harm in speaking with me like I’m just any other person. I don’t know if this is all just my perception or what, but that’s really the only way I can make sense of it.
Anyway, here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking lately that I’d kind of like to have male friends. I am married and very much in love with my husband and not looking for any flirtation or sexual attention from men, I just… kind of think it would be nice to have friends that are men. Does that seem bizarre? Maybe it’s because I’ve never had male friends, and have always been envious of women who do, but I’ve really enjoyed the experience lately of having some nice men interact with me as though I’m just another normal person.
So… on to my question (I swear, I’m getting there!). I go to my local Starbucks nearly every day, and there is this really nice guy who works there that I often chat casually (briefly) with when I’m in there getting drinks. I’m certain he knows I’m married (I go into the Starbucks with my husband often), and while he’s outgoing and friendly toward me he is never weird or flirtatious or inappropriate. He’s just… a nice guy. I’m not attracted to him, but I like chatting with him about work, family, etc. Tonight I was in there picking up a drink for my husband, and the Starbucks guy was asking me about what I do for fun. Sadly I had to pause to come up with something I do for fun
, but I responded that I really enjoy working out, and that I run at the gym a lot. He said that he plays a lot of basketball and tennis, and really needs to start running but has always hated it… I said I used to feel the same way but now love it… he asked what I do to keep it enjoyable, laughed when I said I mouth the words to my music while I run, asked where I go to the gym, etc. Ok, so anyway, my question is this: Would it be totally weird if I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym with me sometime? Would that make me seem like a complete nutcase, or like I was coming on to him?? I wouldn’t mean it that way at all… just that it would be fun to go the gym with someone else who is also interested in exercise, and, I don’t know, just do something casually with someone who isn’t one of the people I’ve known half my life. Maybe that’s my problem – I don’t know how to make friends as an adult, period, unless it starts out with something related to my job and exists primarily in work-related settings. I wouldn’t know how to ask another woman to do something for fun either.
Sigh. I sound crazy, I know. Some of it is adjustment I think to men just behaving normally toward me now when they didn’t before (or at least that is/was my perception of things), and some of it is just this weirdness of being so settled in adult life that I don’t know how to behave when I meet new people that I enjoy talking to – especially men, since I have next to no experience in the male friends department – and I think a good chunk of it also comes from not having any children (despite a few years of trying) when every single one of my friends does, and their lives understandably revolve around them. Reflecting on it now, actually, I think that’s a BIG piece of it. I can’t relate to mommies groups or playdates or choosing a nursery school or the hectic life of kids sports practices, and in fact it’s emotionally painful for me to have those conversations with friends given my infertility (though I do have the conversations, and really try hard to keep from giving off the impression of being uncomfortable, as I love my friends and want them to talk about their lives with me). Maybe it’s just that I want a friend with whom I can discuss other things, share other interests, and maybe men who don’t have kids seem like those kinds of friends. I don’t know.
OK, I’ll stop rambling now. I would love your thoughts, even if your comment is that I’m nuts! Thanks for just letting me talk here. I need a therapist I think to help me make some sense of all of this, lol.