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Old 10-26-2005, 09:36 AM   #1  
Eating for two!
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Default Completely OFF TOPIC: I'm so confused...

I had kind of a rough day yesterday. I went home from work early (still playing sick, of course). ComCast called to take a survey of our service so far (which, of course, they FAILED miserably!). The phone is on Jeff's desk, so I answered the phone and plopped down in his desk chair to talk. I must have hit his keyboard tray enough to move the mouse a little, so his computer monitors "woke up" (you know, from "sleeping"). There was an instant message on his screen from someone that just said "hey." No biggie. But as I was sitting there on the phone, I noticed the word "kissable" in that same screen. We use Trillian for our instant messaging, and it saves previous conversations in light gray text in the message window. Well, I wanted to know why my Jeff was talking about anything being "kissable" to someone else, so I did a bad thing--I read the message history from that window

Now, I'm sure you can tell that nothing good could come of this. And I assure you, none did. Well, apparently he has slept with this girl in the past, as there were messages from her talking about how she hasn't been with anyone since him and how good he was...fine. Whatever...just some old fling, right? But then there were messages about how they were supposed to get together, go to a movie or whatever. Then there was a message from her telling him she got home okay. It was dated 2005. The exact month and/or day is irrelevant--Jeff and I have been togther for OVER a year and a half, which means we have been together throughout ALL of 2005, so why was he seeing this girl with whom he had HAD and discussed sex with while he was dating me?! I was LIVID.


I cried and screamed to myself for a while, wandering around the apartment alone like a blubbering idiot. I thought about screaming at him when he came home and then driving to my sister's place in Va Beach. I thought about not saying anything to him about it at all--after all, I shouldn't have been reading what was on his computer. I thought about instant messaging him at work, but I decided that was an inappropriate topic with which to bother someone at work. I thought about a LOT of things.

I took a shower to kind of sober myself up from my blubbering state. I put on my pajamas and flopped on the couch pretending to watch tv (though I couldn't concentrate on it) until Jeff came home. He came in, took off his shoes, and started playing a game on his computer, as was normal. I walked over, and he gave me a hug (again, normal). I looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes, so I continued, "In the past year and a half, have you ever so much as even kissed another girl?"

He immediately said no and then asked why I was asking. I admitted to him the conversation I had read. He told me that yes, he had seen this other girl, but that it was like 2 and a half years ago. He said that not only has he not seen her since he met me, but that the last time he saw her was actually before the girlfriend he was with before me. I persisted--I said that the conversation was dated 2005. He shrugged and said that maybe the dates got messed up when he restored his computer (which he has had to do a few times). I said that was fine, that if he said nothing happened, nothing happened. Then I started to cry, just from all the stress and worry and fear and anger that had been bottled up before I asked him about it.

That should have been the end of it, right? I should have believed him and moved on. Then I asked him something else--when did the new Amityville movie come out? I knew we had seen it together, so I think it was maybe back in the spring. He remembered also that we had seen it together. He asked why I was wondering. Well, I noticed in one of his conversations with this girl when they were talking about getting together to see a movie that he said he wanted to see Amityville. He got angry for me not trusting him, and I got upset because more questions were flying through my head.

We proceeded to have an argument about how I was wrong in reading the conversation at all (which I admitted) and how that was an invasion of his privacy. I said, hey, you can read ANYTHING of mine, and I wouldn't care because I have nothing to hide! He made a few good points. He said, "Jill, if I were seeing someone else and talking about it online, do you think I'd be stupid enough to leave that conversation on my computer (especially since I used to use his computer all the time at his place when he was in the shower)?" Good point. Then, "I have never once cheated on any girlfriend I've ever had, and that is because I have never been married. If I want to have a relationship with someone else, then I break up with my current girlfriend." Another good point, since we certainly weren't yet living together at the time, and he could easily have broken up with me if he wanted.

I told him that I don't want to be "the jealous girlfriend," ya know? That's not me. And I never was until I saw something that made me question him. He stuck to the fact that the last time he saw this girl was over 2 years ago. He kept also saying that I was wrong in reading it. I said I could apologize for reading it, but I couldn't apologize for confronting him about it once I had and for having the questions I did. That's when I broke down.

I started crying and told him that I guess it all comes down to my own lack of self-confidence, that I didn't think he was having a relationship with another girl, but that there are a lot of girls much thinner and prettier than me out there, so why would he not try to hook up with someone for "a good time?" I reiterated that I shouldn't have questioned his honesty, but I also asked him if he at least understood where I was coming from and how it looked from my perspective. He said he did, and he held me as I cried and babbled about how I hear horror stories from other women about guys cheating on them because they're too fat. I told him about how women I talk to have very supportive boyfriends/husbands/mates, and yet I hardly ever discuss my weight issues with him. I said that my weight is one of the biggest issues in my life, and that I couldn't believe I hadn't ever really discussed it with him. He has told me in the past that it doesn't matter to him, but I couldn't help thinking that he was a normal guy and wanted some hot chick to bang, ya know? I told him that I was sorry for reading it, but that that would be a fear I would probably always have. He just kept hugging me and not saying anything, and I said, "This is the part where you tell me again that it doesn't matter to you." He did. Good boy

And so, it ended with me having a minor emotional breakdown. After that, we were okay. I agreed to trust him, and he stuck to the fact that he hadn't seen this girl in over 2 years. Is it wrong that I still have a little bit of doubt? I mean, the thing with the Amityville movie? I know I shouldn't bring it up again--I should just let it go. I need to trust him, and besides, that's all I have to go by is his word. I think it'll be on my mind for a while, but in time it will go away. In any case, he's living with me, not anyone else. He comes home to ME every night, and he sleeps in OUR bed.

I'm sorry to go on like this--I just needed to get it out. I don't really expect anyone to read this whole saga. Sorry for taking up so much space
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Old 10-26-2005, 10:20 AM   #2  
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OK so I read your whole saga. Sounds like you did everything I would have done, from reading the e-mail, to confronting him, to crying, and yes, believing him as well.

Let me just start with. I think snooping is wrong because it shows a lack of trust in the relationship. But had I seen the IM history like that I would have read the thread as well (Just not gone looking on the computer with the purpose of finding this stuff). Trust goes the other way too and if your living with him he has opened his life to you. If he doesn't want you reading it, get rid of it or don't do it in the first place.

Has he ever lied to you before, about anything? Then why would he start now? He chose to be with you in the first place, stay with you, move in with you. I think without hard "facts" I would just trust him and move on. Of course the moving on is hard because the "incident" is in the back of your mind and makes you question little things you never noticed before. Don't.

As far as discussing Amnityville (excuse my ignorance here, not my kind of movie). Are you sure he was discussing the movie that just came out and not another in the series from a couple years ago. Or had he perhaps just seen another in the series and was discussing the fact that he couldn't wait for the next. OR Nowdays you know about movies a couple years ahead of time. Even if the movie is a one off he could have heard of it then and been excited about it?

Sounds like you have made the choice to believe him. If so then really commit to the choice and let the rest go. If not...Well you haven't really believed him and its a whole other set of issues.
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Old 10-26-2005, 11:58 AM   #3  
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Oh Jill!! I wish I could give you a big hug! I completely understand how you feel. Its never happened to me like that but I know how your weight can play an issue. My husband is an electrician so not many women in his field but he was working on a job where this guy was working and his wife was a phone person or something but anyway this husband and wife were having troubles and every now and then my hubby would come home and talk about her. Just about things that happened at work and she was involved or a converstation they had. All innocent and fine but it bothered me.. and what was my 1st question.. is she skinny? I know he would never cheat on me but I always worry that someone skinny will hit on him or something like that.

The main thing is you have to trust him and if I found something like that I would be just like you. It would be nagging me forever but he has moved in with you. He didn't have to.. if he wanted her he would have left you. He obviously loves you! I would try to trust him and let it go.
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Old 10-26-2005, 12:30 PM   #4  
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First of all let me post my disclaimer:
The following is my opinion and I am not in anyway stating that you should follow my guidance or let it sway you. Since you received 2 other posts advising you to support your BF and let it go, I thought you should also receive another side to it.

I have been in this exact situation with my ex. He of course denied the whole thing and said I had nothing to worry about, blah, blah, blah. Now I am not going to tell you that you should stop trusting him because of my experience. However, what I can advise you is to listen to your gut. If it is still bothering you there is a reason for that. If you just let it go, it won't go away on it's own. Leaving it will build resentment within you against him, so if it's truly still bothering you, maybe it's because you still need to talk about it some more. If he truly loves you he will understand that you were very bothered by this and need to discuss it some more.

Now again, Jill I do not want to make you go against what you want to do, I'm only going to say this because I have truly been through it all when it comes to relationships and I've been fooled many times. IMHO men will say anything to avoid being caught doing something they shouldn't be, women will do the same. So that I don't catch crap for saying this, again that doesn't mean he is doing something wrong. Just really think about your relationship and be sure that there aren't other reasons why this may be bothering more, it could be your own insecurities, but at the same time, maybe it's not. It also seems from your "saga" that he turned everything around on you pretty quickly, about you invading his privacy and what not. True you did, but I think most people would do the same if that happened, he probably would to. Misdirection is a manipulators favorite tool. I've been manipulated by some pros, who always managed to flip things around to me and make me feel as though I'd done something wrong.

Jill, you really need to listen to your heart and it will tell you what to do. If this thing is still nagging at you, then I really think you need to work through those issues, or your relationship could suffer down the road. Trust is invaluable and IMO the most important aspect of any relationship. I hope this helps you and does not seem like I'm telling you to kick him to the curb. It's seems you really love him so just give it some thought and be sure your okay with "letting it go" before you do.

Take care.
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Old 10-26-2005, 12:30 PM   #5  
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Jill: I completely understand all of your reactions! Like skinnyjeans said, I would have reacted EXACTLY the same way. It's great that you brought it up and talked about it. I think it's completely normal to have those lingering feelings of doubt. But, like you said, your BF lives with you, comes home to you, sleeps with you. And, he just made that decision to do so. If he was so stricken by this other girl, he wouldn't have moved in with you.

Unfortunately, though, like byebigbutt, I have had this similar experience happen, and it did turn out that my DH (damn husband) was cheating on me. We had other issues, but this ultimately lead to our divorce. Once that doubt is planted, everything (for me, anyway) seemed suspicious, and it turned out that my instinct was right. Not to be a downer or to say that is what is happening in your situation, but I just thought you should know my experience.

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Old 10-26-2005, 04:20 PM   #6  
Eating for two!
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*huge sigh* I talked to a few of the ladies at work about what happened. I explained what I read, and they gave me some new perspectives. One pointed out that perhaps this girl had told Jeff she was going somewhere or doing something, and he told her to be careful, which could explain why she left him a message telling him she got home okay. She also said that though they talked about movies, there wasn't anything specific that I read to confirm that they ever actually went (no, "I'll pick you up at"...nothing like that).

The other girl I work with said that she has been in a position of being falsely accused of something before, and it really hurts. I hadn't even really thought about that--I just jumped to my own conclusions based on what I read and began questioning him. I knew he was upset that I didn't trust him, but I guess it was kind of a double attack on him by me basically accusing him instead of just asking. Well, yeah, i worded it as a question, but matters like this are always basically accusatory in nature.

I feel much better about it now (I'm even typing this without tears welling up in my eyes ). I have never had a reason not to trust him before, so why should I start now? He's always been really good to me--I've never known him to lie about anything, and I have met basically his entire family (mother, grandmother, father, cousins he lived with, aunt and uncle, other aunt and uncle in Georgia...) and haven't discovered anything through them that seems deceptive or anything (and you know how families love to tell stories and show pictures...). So, until he gives me real reason otherwise, I trust him, and I won't go snooping through his things (not that that's how it started in the first place--it was semi-accidental).

I know that some guys are dirt and that some relationships have issues that accumulate and snowball, but he's always seemed genuine (even in his denial of my accusations), and we've never really had any problems between us before. So, chin up, and moving on! Thanks for listening and offering advice and your own stories. I really needed it earlier today
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Old 10-26-2005, 04:29 PM   #7  
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I just want to say that I didn't think you snooped. He left some information in a very obvious place, and when I see *anything* of anyone's on a computer screen, it seems just human nature to want to read it.
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Old 10-26-2005, 09:45 PM   #8  
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Jellybean~ I really do hope you get your situation resolved! Been there and know your pain! This has happened to me "twice" now. Cleaning around the pc, hitting the mouse and "walla" instant IM message from a female. I dont think I wouldve reacted unless, well of course, they are stepping into your own territory.
Anyways,
I did some pretty ronchy things like pretended I was hubby to get information of how deep there conversation was getting and Ive also turned on the IM log. Or, confront the chick!
Lay it all out in the open.. that away you can start healing inside (even if its a "trust" issue).
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Old 10-26-2005, 11:40 PM   #9  
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Jill: Glad you are feeling better about everything. You work with some very smart ladies! They had some great perspectives and advice. I think sometimes we always assume the worst, when really, there might not be a reason to. I've always thought it sounded like you've got a great BF through your posts, so I hope everything works out. Good luck with everything, and keep us updated! Take care!
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Old 10-27-2005, 10:55 AM   #10  
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Okay, so I'm jaded. As much as it's nice to see the good in people, it also leaves you open for a blow to the stomach. I was engaged at one point (oh so long ago), and we lived together. He left me a week before my birthday and it was a complete and devastating shock to me. You don't need to be paranoid about it, but just be aware. This may be a sexist statement, but when it comes to trusting a guy with other women...it's kinda like leaving a trained dog alone in a room with a juicy t-bone. He may know better, but sometimes he just can't help himself. Good luck with everything, and don't let me come across as if I know he did something (because of course I couldn't know for sure either way), but just keep your heart safe.
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Old 10-27-2005, 03:33 PM   #11  
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Jill, I think you did exactly the right thing by talking to him about it. It sounds like everything is going to be okay. IMO the thing that makes a relationship successful is being able to work through your problems and the tough times together.
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Old 10-27-2005, 04:04 PM   #12  
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Jewelz--I'm definitely NOT going to confront the chick! If I find out from her that he's telling the truth, and then he finds out from her that I asked her, he's going to be SO MAD that I didn't trust him! If the tables were turned, I'd be mad at him for going behind my back like that, too--mad enough to basically say, "If you really don't trust me that much, then we have no relationship."

jdogg--yeah, I definitely am glad the ladies at work helped me out. They really opened my eyes to what other explanations there could be other than my immediate jump to, "He cheated on me!"

amanda--I might be more worried about it if this was someone he saw on a regular basis (old friend, co-worker, something like that), but since it's not, I'm not as worried. Especially now that we live together, he would have to go pretty far out of his way to figure out a way to see someone else. If he were to leave me, then yes, I'd be hurt, but I'd also bounce back--lord knows I've survived worse things than a guy leaving me!

paperclippy--I am SO glad I was able to talk to him about it. He has a habit of clamming up when he gets upset about something, and he did this the other night when I confronted him. He plops on the couch and faces the back of the couch and doesn't say anything. Obviously, we need to be able to communicate, especially about things that upset us, so I said, "Saying nothing isn't going to fix anything." Then he sat up, and we had it out a bit more, which was ugly at the time but good for us overall

phantastica--ha, explain that to him! Boys just seem to see things SO much differently than we do! He said I should have asked him about what I saw initially instead of going and reading all their past conversations, too. I told him I couldn't wait long enough for him to get home from work, that I was way too curious to wait another 2 or 3 hours. That didn't really go over well, but in the end, he admitted that he understood why I was so upset, and I think after I spilled my guts about my fear of him wanting someone skinnier and prettier, he maybe even understood a little why I read it all in the first place

Honestly, I had 2 fears from this whole situation: 1, obviously, was that he had cheated on me. Once we battled it out, I think the reason I kept harping on it the next day was that my second fear was of becoming the naiive girlfriend who doesn't recognize the signs of a cheater, ya know? I don't ever want to have my head so high up in the clouds that I don't see what's right in front of me. But like I said, I've never had reason not to trust him before, so I choose to believe him now If other "signs" ever appear, I'll definitely pay close attention, but for now, he's all mine I think he also knows I would have to beat the living daylights out of him if he ever cheated on me

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Old 10-27-2005, 04:09 PM   #13  
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Amandaholly- you ARE jaded. And you haven't met my hubby. He is totally trustworthy, even in a room of HOTTIES.

(No REALLY...not being naive here. He's just a good guy.)

So keep looking there are few good ones out there.
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Old 10-30-2005, 02:52 PM   #14  
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Skinnyjeans - Darn right I'm jaded I trust guys about as far as I could throw them. I'm sure there are always exceptions to the rule, but unfortunately those exceptions are a rare and in-demand breed, and therefore probably already taken (your hubby, for example). I meet good guys in church all the time, funny, cute, conservative, christian guys...just perfect for me, but they're all wearing wedding rings Oh well, maybe I'm narrowing my field a bit too much, being too particular. Any single lesbians on here? *Amanda feels the need to point out that she is not now, nor will she ever be a lesbian. She was just trying to make a funny*
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Old 10-30-2005, 06:24 PM   #15  
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First - Jilly - I TOTALLY get your insecurities!! When I first met him I was overweight (and then lost weight and now am more than I weighed when we met) and I thought the whole time we were first together, "You are so fine, with that sexy body (believe me!), why would you want to be with me???" But he did... and we have been together for 5 years. He is in the Army, so we have been through deployments and training, and I know that there were women around where ever he went. But I trust him. I KNOW I could put him in a room full of hotties and he would come home to me without having touched a single one. Partly because I think he is to lazy to make the effort But mostly because I know that he wants to be with me and I fullfill his needs.
Jilly, if the man loves you, then he loves you! You are a sexy [email protected]!! Why wouldn't he??
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