I believe if you really want to be with someone, you marry then regardless, unless of course it's because of financial set back or whatever.
People are shallow, that will happen everywhere, you have to decide if (going by your tracker) 4 pounds should stop you being with someone you love, and consider why only 4 pounds would stop him. If you're comfortable being with someone so shallow for the rest of your life, then that's ok for you. Consider what happens when you start to age, things start to sag, pregnancy and the weight gain that comes with that.
I agree that a promise is a promise, but I doubt you would have dumped your boyfriend if at this point he hadn't gotten the six figure salary and was still moving up in his company at the 3 year mark.
Your relationship with is between the two of you, your body is your own.
I can see why this might upset you, but I really understand his point of view. You guys made a deal...a promise....both of you needed to work on something. He changed, gained a career(which he should have done anyways) became successful....he worked hard, and you should have kept your end, even if its superfical, because you agreed upon it....
I also think the holding off on marriage thing might be his way of trying to modivate you even more...not just because he wants you to drop a few pounds...To be the best that you can be...push you...and thats what relationships should do...He oboviously loves you otherwise you guys would not have picked back up...
I understand that you guys agreed, but maybe it wasn't a good agreement. You're not obese if your current weight and height are correct. It's not like you're in dangerous health due to your weight, right?
If he truly loves you, how could he leave your over your weight? My bf is very thin and in shape and I could never leave him even if he wasn't.
Good luck to you, I really wish you the best. You deserve unconditional love.
You owe it to no one but yourself to take care of yourself. The issue isn't whether he's a douche ( I don't know him so I can't judge that ) or whether you broke a promise. The issue is that the two of you are making each other responsible for your success or failure in life instead of looking within yourselves for motivation.
So, since you haven't lost the weight, does that mean he should go back to being a bum? What if you decide he isn't the one for you after all? What happens if he says I can't make it without you behind me? What then?
Really, I think the answer to your question is neither. He's not a douche and you're not selfish. What it sounds like you two are is codependent. Notice I said sounds...you'd really need someone you can sit down and talk to in person to determine that.
Please you yourself and your boyfriend a favor. Get some counseling before you get married. The decision to marry is one of the biggest ones you'll ever make and it shouldn't be based on things like your physical appearance or his salary.
You owe it to no one but yourself to take care of yourself. The issue isn't whether he's a douche ( I don't know him so I can't judge that ) or whether you broke a promise. The issue is that the two of you are making each other responsible for your success or failure in life instead of looking within yourselves for motivation.
So, since you haven't lost the weight, does that mean he should go back to being a bum? What if you decide he isn't the one for you after all? What happens if he says I can't make it without you behind me? What then?
Really, I think the answer to your question is neither. He's not a douche and you're not selfish. What it sounds like you two are is codependent. Notice I said sounds...you'd really need someone you can sit down and talk to in person to determine that.
Please you yourself and your boyfriend a favor. Get some counseling before you get married. The decision to marry is one of the biggest ones you'll ever make and it shouldn't be based on things like your physical appearance or his salary.
Best of luck to you both!
Basically this. I'd also add that if he's balking at marrying you because you're a bit overweight, what will happen if you lose the weight, marry him, and then regain it all - plus some?
Thank you everyone for all the support. Sometimes you just need an outside person to give you a bit of insight. So the conclusion that I came up with is that I really need to stop giving myself excuses. Losing weight is what I want for myself, so if I do it, itll help so many aspects of my life.
So cheers to 2013, lets making this year full of weight loss!
ilovemo: Go for it! I worked out that if a person cuts out 100 calories a day then that's a pound a month or about a stone a year! And a deficit of 200 a day is two stone etc. So make some small changes and you will get there! Better to lose slowly than not at all!
a) If you want to lose weight and/or be healthier, that is wonderful.
b) A man telling a woman, baby lose this vanity weight or I'm going to leave you, is both really creepy and controlling to me. Promises or no promises.
a) If you want to lose weight and/or be healthier, that is wonderful.
b) A man telling a woman, baby lose this vanity weight or I'm going to leave you, is both really creepy and controlling to me. Promises or no promises.
I agree with this. I'm not knocking the OP's boyfriend, but I just don't agree with the idea that "a promise is a promise" and that's the end of it. Sometimes we do agree to things and realize we can't follow through.
I also really, really don't agree with the person who said you need to lose the weight because with his current salary he could have any young, hot babe. Noooo, no, no. That's not what a longterm relationship is based on. There are a lot of things wrong with the "lose weight so he doesn't dump you for someone hotter" mentality.
I think if he's just trying to motivate you, that's great, but he may be doing it the wrong way. I feel like this could be a perfect storm for you exercising and dieting the weight away FAST so you can get married and then gaining it back.
I personally think y'all should talk this out and see exactly where he's coming from. If he says he loves you no matter what your weight is and he's only trying to motivate you, then he needs to find another way to go about it, like helping you eat healthy and working out with you. Holding a ring over your head is just silly and not the right way to do it. Come to a conclusion regarding what's the best way for him to motivate you to be healthy, just like you found the right way to motivate him to get his life back on track. What works for one person does not always work for another.
I can totally see both sides, and I think that if you made a commitment and a promise to him, then you should honor it. I mean, it's four pounds, so you could do that THIS month! That's exciting! You're almost there-- the light at the end of the tunnel should be shining bright!
I agree with PP though that making promises and commitments regarding your physical appearance in order to make someone else happy isn't the best approach. You have to want to do it for YOU.
I think you can do it, but YOU have to want to do it for YOU. Have your boyfriend help you out by cooking together and being active together. Make it into a couples thing, and you'll both be happier and in shape. You know what they say about endorphins
Yup u made a promise, sounds like a shallow one but who am I to judge. But what happens when u have kids or life just causes u to gain weight. Is he gonna walk out on you every time u gain weight? How would u feel if he started to slack on his end of the bargain?
This is a toughy. I know u haven't succeeded but really he left u. That kinda makes him a douche.
Just wanted to jump in with my two cents! I don't think everyone who has a visual preference is shallow. I don't condone people being jerks, but I'm so over how we have to just accept EVERYTHING. Some things are changeable. I personaly cannot stand my husband's hair to be longer than 1/8 of an inch. Military fade. Total personal preference, but on a deeper level, I actually find it unattractive and well, yucky. It doesn't mean that I don't love him, but we are honest enough to say, "hey babe..hair cut time?" He likes me to do certain physical regimens that I only do for him, because it is pleasing to me to please him. He does the same for me.
So I kind of look at this as...you both stated things that you would find more desirable in the other person, but only one of you ponied up. His preference may be a smaller you, but he obviously loves you. The sticking point that I just can't deal with, is that he is setting an ultimatum. It's one thing to be cognizant and respectful of each other's preferences, but I would be very hurt if my hubby said, "I won't do X until you do Y."
All I can say is if he's hung up on weight- particularly when you aren't that overweight to start with- then it's a red flag. Only you can decide how big of a red flag. But I have a friend that has a hang-up on weight and I've seen him dump many women (including his wife of 10 years!) due to them gaining weight. So I think you need to have a *really* candid talk with this guy about his hang ups on weight. He needs to admit to you if this is a deal breaker for him or not. Because the bottom line is that even if you can lose the weight now, you may have issues later. Pregnancy, thyroid disease, and many other reasons can cause weight gain. Is he going to dump you then? You'd be best to find out now rather than later.
Sorry for crashing the 20's board, but as a divorced 30 something, let me at least put my $.02 in and you can take it however you wish.
You are talking about getting MARRIED! Marriage is not a wedding dress, it's not a honeymoon, it's not a board on Pinterest or a continuation of a good boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You are making a commitment for the rest of your life to this person - for better or worse and in good times and bad. To think that weight loss is something that has anything to do with what makes a marriage good or bad is ridiculous.
I'm glad that he changed his life, but in your married lifetime, you'll be broke again someday for whatever reason. He'll get sick or you will - really sick, like surgery sick or cancer or heart disease (hopefully when you're really old). You will have children together - which is a FAR from dignified process. You'll lose loved ones together that will require support from your husband to get you through it. He'll be tempted and challenged by the opposite sex frequently and so will you. Something will make each of you so vulnerable and embarrassed that you have no else to turn to. You'll fight and say mean things to him sometimes and he will to you. You'll have days where you aren't sure if you can make it anymore. This is real life. It's what happens in a healthy marriage. The healthy ones know how to overcome these things but also are the ones that value marriage and love each other completely.
Is this the person you want to do this with? Will he be there for all of that with you? If he's not sure over you weighing 20 or 30lbs one way or another, is this someone who will be there through thick and thin? If he's worried that you won't keep promises - you stayed with him when he wasn't where he wanted to be financially. What in that shows lack of commitment?
Maybe he can be a good husband, but I think you both need to put this in perspective if you're talking about marriage.
