So tonight, my guy and I had very official this is the very end. We aren't seeing each other ever again and we are never going to actually date talk. Also he told me he hooked up with another chick.
And I can't really be mad about it because. quoting Ross Geller "We were on a break!"
We had a thorough talk. We saw our relationship differently and we are in 2 completely different points in our life. Like the very complete opposite.
He feels stuck because his world is moving so fast. I feel stuck because mine is moving so slow. He told me that if I wanted it to change, I had to change it. I told him the same thing.
The past week I have been getting ready for a break up, song mode: everything by City and Color, TLC's No Scrubs, and then some weird indie-chicks who make my musical world go round.
I deserve more than dirty texts throughout the week, 1 night of fun. Even if I don't want to seriously date, I do deserve someone who thinks he can hook up with another girl anytime.
I'm glad he respected me enough to tell me. I a thoroughly pissed that he did it though. But I can't logically be mad because we aren't exclusive.
I loved him. He never loved me. I have been avoiding every sign for the past 7 months and the past 2 months in particular.
He started to love me but then he got so busy in his life that he shut me out. He didn't want me. I feel like his dirty little hooker, that he pays in pizza and episodes of Breaking Bad.
I miss "us" so much. I miss holding hands, waiting in lines for movies, being weirded out because I have to slouch into for him to be taller than me. I miss him tickling me. I miss him being my boyfriend. I will not miss the quasi-relationship that we have only kind of been having for the last month.
I have to face the fact, that I was a scheduled booty-call.
I was too available (I'm sorry I'm not working 15 hour days and when I am off I don't get drunk every weekend with my old frat buddies, weirdly enough his frat was made up the geekiest drunk kids on his campus) I'm sorry that he doesn't think I am worthy of his time. I am pissed that he doesn't think I am worthy. I hate to sound braggy, but I am kind of awesome. I am sweet, charming, I bake, I freaking cleaned his kitchen cause he was too tired to do the dishes and I was tired of seeing the same dishes in his sink week after week (this was when we were still dating) I remember everything so he didn't have to. I never plan on climbing the corporate ladder and I do no want to be an engineer. I am opinionated and hate American politics. If we were at an equal place, we would be perfect. But I'm always going to be less than him. My suburban, public school upbringing and elongated college career, isn't good enough for his private school everything. I'm losing my **** trying to make it through college. And he has the audacity to say I am over-privileged. I am sorry, but just because you had a rough childhood doesn't mean that I didn't. (He was adopted and his bio-dad is a magnificent A-hole)
I was set to stop dating. Then we had our first date. He asked if I would be open to the idea of love. Then he got to busy and shut everything off. So I freaked out and then he blamed it out me. I started birth control for him. Not because he asked. Just because he was excited that meant no more condoms. Well, guess what, you can not use condoms on that other girl.
I am so glad we dated though. He has made me more open to people. But I am so incredibly pissed and confused. I really just want to go lay down in my mom's bed but letting myself that close to people makes me feel vulnerable to the point than I can't be open. And I'm at my dad's and my mom's is about an hour away so I wouldn't get there until past 2am.
I really need a hug. Luckily my best friend is going to be in this weekend and she gives really good hugs. I hate how much this is hurting. but I know it's for the best.
I'm just really really sad right now.
On the plus side, my best friend is coming into town and if we both make a goal we are going to damage our bodies with needles and jewelry or ink. And she's gonna hug me.
And in a week and a half I start at my new school!
And in 2 weeks another couple of friends are meeting me in Cinci for a day of stupidity and site seeing. (I find it weird that I am going site seeing in my own city)
And tomorrow I am stripping all the dye out of my hair.
This morning I was worried I was prego. (My . was really light (like the kind that could be considered implantation bleeding, I have a lot of pregnant friends) and I couldn't stop throwing up at a Kohl's parking lot this morning, it would have been awful and ironic and horribly hilarious, I have an odd sense of humor)
I can't wait to be busy again. Here's to hoping everything happens for a reason.
I love him, I am not in love with him and I will get over him, he wasn't right for me. He lied, he said that once he gets the initial 2 years of this job it would smooth out. He didn't say he planned to climb the ladder. He didn't care about my feelings or what how I would react. I deserve more than this and even if I don't see it now, I would be settling and this is a good thing. I am hoping and praying that saying that over and over makes it true My heart is broken, but in a good way. because even though I am sad, I know this needed to happen. I just wish that he didn't use another girl to make it happen. I only had 4 hours of sleep tonight and now I have a crying migraine. How is it possible that I still miss him?!
Sorry for such a long post. I hope everyone else's night is going better! When I calm down I want to go through the evening's posts. probably tomorrow.
Bea- I'm so sorry to hear everything that is going on. But honestly, if he treats you like that then you made the right decision. You deserve a guy who treats you like the awesome person you are. Whatever you do though, don't use this as a reason to binge. When I went through my last breakup, I decided to cut my hair and get some new makeup, and maybe you could do the same. Celebrate YOU and the fact that you're free from a bad situation.
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As for me, got to get some dental work done today. One of my fillings has chipped and they are putting a new one in. I am not particularly phobic of the dentist, my dentist is really nice and generally keeps things pain-free, but it is a little expensive. Otherwise, spending my day working out and maybe going shopping. I have seen all these pretty necklaces that my friends keep buying and I want to join in the fun too. I might do Zumba tonight as well, my skin infection is still kind of gross but it has cleared up a lot and is not as painful, so I may do a little Zumba-ing tonight.
Not much else to report for me. Hope everyone has a great day/evening/whatever.
Last edited by namaste984; 08-16-2012 at 11:02 AM.
Namaste: Thanks, I definitely do not plan to binge. He gets to break my heart that's OK, but I have never been able to lose weight like this and he will not take that away from me. I am hating TOM though. ergh. I just want to feel normal again. Good luck at the dentist! That doesn't sound particularly fun!
So I haven't checked my weight in a few days because my TOM on and it's weird I have never felt bloated before but I guess that is what is happening. Feeling a little discouraged. I wore jeans last night for the first time in a month and they were a little tight before, now they feel extra tight. I have worked out every day and been very careful about what I've been eating. I want to check the scale but I'm really nervous.
Oh wow Bea, I'm sorry that you had to put up with a guy like him for so long! Here's hoping that things start improving and you can clear all of that negative energy away! I fully recommend spending some free time around some trees (like taking a walk in a park, down a street, or going hiking) and just enjoying the sunshine. After all it is the summer and a time for enjoying the outside!
Things are going pretty smoothly over here, I've moved into my fall housing assignment (My Kitchen, OMG!<3) and I've ordered most of my textbooks for the upcoming semester. I am currently home for a get together with some of my good friends from high school! I am excited to see everyone, excited to tell of the scale moving yet again (woot woot!!) and excited because my A1c has dropped yet again!
I'm not sure what the next few weeks are going to hold for me, but I am determined to make the best of whatever will come my way!
Davi: Thanks. I am texting him right now. I should just stop though it's not helping anything. I do need better energy in my life. I am currently stripping all the hair dye from my hair so if it doesn't look ridiculous in when I am done (this part takes 20 mins, then I get to spend a lovely 1 hour with my hair under the faucet.) I will venture out into public! I haven't hung out with a good tree in a while. ("What are been to rocks and mountains?" some good fresh air would be wonderful!) And tomorrow my friend and I are going to blow through cash like I never have to pay for it. (student loans : ( ..)
That is exciting!! Are you on campus? I have never been in an apartment and loved the kitchen! That is good news to hear!! What is an A1c?
beahawkins: PUT THE PHONE DOWN!!!! lol! Seriously, I think that you should consider the possiblity that your ability to love, care for people (including him), your schooling, you personality, are all things that make YOU better than him. It's not just girl trash talk, but the fact that he's planning to climb the latter does NOT make him a better person than you. the fact that he had a difficult childhood, DOES NOT make him a better person than you! The fact that he was stinging you along (break or no break) while hooking up with other girls makes him a worse person than you...
Listen, I think you should seriously ask yourself the question if you were in love with him, or the idea of him. And, even though you are hurt right now and may be leaning towards thinking that it was him, I seriously believe that it was the idea of him -- the potential. You cannot possibly believe that somebody who doesn't love you back the way that you want to be love is woth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe!
Keep your head up! Everyone deserves love in their lives. Everyone deserves to have the opportunity to love somebody totally, BUT ALSO to have that love returned to them completely. You will find that somebody. Don't "swear" off love, just wait until the righ person finds you (or until you find him). focus on yourself for a little while, get your priorities straight and you'll see everything will work out!
bea - so sorry you're going through that - it's the worst. There is a book called the "smart girl's guide to breaking up" and i STRONGLY suggest anyone going through a breakup read it. There are some really strong quotes in it and great ideas for making this time way easier.
The BIGGEST thing they say is NOT to contact him! So stay off that phone! Delete him from the phone! Block him on facebook and anything else you have him on. Get rid of him in your life - you deserve more than someone who isn't willing to fight for you.
Use the experience as empowerment to really sick yourself into gear. If I lived in America I'd say "call me anytime! ANY time!!!" but... I don't. I recommend trying to find someone you can do this with. Someone who won't mind being called at 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon. Then, when you want to call or text him you call or text her instead.
Thanks! Yeah, I know.. well, it wasn't particularly nice texting it was more like :you blew me off saturday for "personal reasons" and sunday you went and effed another chick? and you think this is ok? I live 20 minutes away. what pisses me off the most is that he didn't apologize. He explained. He said I deserved to know. But he didn't care about how I would feel at all. My texting him now, is more telling him everything I was holding in for the last 7 months.
What I deserve is respect and that is something he has never given me.He thinks he's better than me because he's the one that's busy. I know I was too available for him and that was my fault but man is he a douche. I'm not swearing off love. But I am waiting, I don't want anything serious until I finish my bachelor's.
I do deserve someone to love and love me back. He isn't capable or he doesn't want to. There is someone else out there. I don't believe in the one. But I know there is at least one person. But I really want to make own person first. I want to graduate. Get a job or go to grad school. Lose this weight get my meds on track. He wants to sit around get drunk and slam a random girl. That is his choice. It is not my fault that he his like that or that he changed. I need to move on. That is it. He isn't the one and he will never be the one. Thanks
KatieKish: Thanks for the book recommendation I have a poem book for breaking up and it's fun to read. I wasn't going to delete him from my phone, because he has a pregnant sister and I have a baisically brand new car seat but now I don't really care and I am sure someone will buy one for her. Thanks for offering it if you lived here! lol I have a friend that I is willing to do that, But I really don't want to bug her about it. I will see her tomorrow and we talked a little today. deleting him is probably just the best idea right now. it feels like a little piece of me is leaving. I deleted him and our message thread. He is off of my facebook, now I just need to get him off of my ipod. He was never willing to fight for me. I don't know how this happened.
Thanks for being here.
Last edited by beahawkins; 08-16-2012 at 03:52 PM.
Bea, Yes I am on campus...well sort of. I go to a really tiny school, so in order to house everyone the University bought a nearby apartment complex building (it's technically three buildings, but they are all connected with a hallway down the back). In of itself it is entirely creepy haha. The elevators are temperamental, the hallways are lit like a horror movie, and being that it is the apartments and the RA's are more lax, the sheer number of sloppy drunks has increased dramatically.
The A1c is the average (usually taken every 3 months) blood sugar number/percentage thingy. I was diagnosed about three years ago with type 2 diabetes (both of my biological parents are insulin dependent) and back then I was really terrified of it all. I went to a few education classes and felt awkward 1) because I was the youngest person there and 2) because everyone else had a support buddy taking the classes with them.
Anyways when I was diagnosed I was waking up in the mornings with fasting sugars in the upper 400's, coming home after school and sitting down to take off my shoes only to wake up three hours later, and having an A1c of 9.7%. Though medication (which my goal is to get taken off of the oral medication I take now), education, and lifestyle changes I have changed my fasting sugars to 130, I now have full control over when I take naps, and my A1c is now 6.1%.
Another way to think about A1c is that a normal, non-diabetic person is between 4% and 5.6%, increased risk of diabetes is 5.7%-6.4%, and a person has diabetes if their A1c goes 6.5% or higher. The higher the A1c, the better someone's chance of having complications with their Diabetes. Honestly it was my fear of what the diagnosis meant for my life that caused me to get even more amped up about my health.
I am glad that you are deleting him and also getting a chance to finally tell him things that you have been holding inside of you. As a serial emotion bottler, I can tell that what you are doing is very good. Reading your positive affirmations make me feel that you will do fine in the future and will definitely have an amazing person enter into your life and treat you how you deserve to be treated, like a queen.
Hey everyone! Whew, it's been a while since I sat down and had enough time to just write about what's been happening. Feels great! I haven't had access to my laptop for a week which is why I've been a bit quiet.
Well, as most of you know I have moved to Japan. The move itself went relatively easy, the only problem was my first flight was delayed so I missed my connection, but it ended up working out better in the end since I didn't have to stay up for quite as long in the day! The flight itself was horrendous, just hideously long and boring. At one point I had a dehydrated/tired moment of panic thinking I was never going to land and I had died and this was **** haha. Oh dear!
When I arrived I got whisked off into a room to get a residency card, which was quite scary when I'm sat in a room on my own without truly knowing what's going on. But when I saw my boyfriend I felt more relaxed, and honestly like I'd only seen him a day ago! We're like that though. I was all gross and icky from the flight and sweaty from lugging my cases.
The first few days were difficult for me. I had never been to Japan before so I was shocked that I was shocked to be there if that makes sense. Huge culture shock to say the least, I felt a bit out of place since I was worried I might not like it. Over time and having a bit of a moment with the boyfriend made me realise that I was being silly and I should snap out of it and enjoy the experience. After all, some people dream of being in my place, so I am lucky to have what I have and I should make the most of it.
The job search has been unsuccessful at this moment in time, but I've only been here for just a week! I did get interviews for 2 huge companies...but the pay wasn't fixed so I'm going to leave them for now and accept any interviews by those types of companies if I feel like I'm struggling. I'd much rather take my time and look for a Monday-Friday job with a fixed salary rather than mess around working evenings and weekends and never seeing my boyfriend.
As for my weight, well, I only just bought a scale today! I'm 152 lbs as I type this HOWEVER, I weighed myself in the middle of the day having eaten so I might be slightly lighter. But it was great knowing that I haven't ballooned to 160 lbs (would have been a nightmare) so I'm happy. No exercise, been trying to get over jet lag and been wandering around seeing some places. For the last few days me and the boyfriend have been preparing for a move since he was getting kicked out of his old place (everyone in his apartment block was) so we spent a few days in packing mode.
Yesterday we moved in to a new place which is SO much nicer. There is storage space and plenty of room for 2 people, unlike his old place. It's also a newer building, so it's just generally a nicer place in general. Now that we've unpacked and got some essentials I feel a lot more settled. It sounds strange but having all my stuff in its own little place makes me feel so much better. I love to nest when I move somewhere, so living out of my cases was driving me a bit loopy for the first week!
The food here is DELICIOUS. And sweet child of mine, I've only had a bunch of ready made meals at the moment! We've eaten out once at a sushi place and it was delicious - the waitresses were smiling at me since I'm a bit of a novelty here.
I feel a bit useless since I don't know any Japanese. I hung out with some of my boyfriends friends and one of them translated a lot for me, which was really nice but I felt a bit foolish having someone translate for me when my boyfriend is so good at Japanese. But it's just inspired me to buckle down and try my best. I'm trying to learn via Rosetta Stone, and now I have my own laptop available with internet again I'm glad to get back on the ball.
I'm also ready to go in terms of exercise. I figure I'm just going to run at night time and hope for the best! It's SO HOT HERE!
Riestrella: Wow! Congratulations on having survived the move!
How long was the flight?
I moved to different countries with different languages twice as a kid and only partially remember how difficult of an adjustment it was not to be able to freely communicate because I don't speak the language. But a few years ago my husband and I went on a European vacation and while in France, I distinctly remember really wanting to tell somebody off (a very unusual thing for me) and feeling very frustrated to be unable to do so because of a lack of vocabulary! lol! Good luck with the language studies!
It's great that your back with your bf! And don't worry about the job thing, I'm sure everything will workout soon. Just give it some time. How are you liking the city? Did you adjust yet? are you guys planning to stay there perminantly if all goes well with the job hunt/adjustment/etc?
Anyway, good luck with getting back on track with the workouts!
Riestrella: Wow! Congratulations on having survived the move!
How long was the flight?
I moved to different countries with different languages twice as a kid and only partially remember how difficult of an adjustment it was not to be able to freely communicate because I don't speak the language. But a few years ago my husband and I went on a European vacation and while in France, I distinctly remember really wanting to tell somebody off (a very unusual thing for me) and feeling very frustrated to be unable to do so because of a lack of vocabulary! lol! Good luck with the language studies!
It's great that your back with your bf! And don't worry about the job thing, I'm sure everything will workout soon. Just give it some time. How are you liking the city? Did you adjust yet? are you guys planning to stay there perminantly if all goes well with the job hunt/adjustment/etc?
Anyway, good luck with getting back on track with the workouts!
Thank you so much! The first flight was 2 hours, then I had a 4 hour connection, then the final flight was 11 hours. I think it sucked so much because the in flight entertainment system was awful. The sound was terrible and the films started at the same time. I've been on US Airways flights and even though they're cramped the in flight entertainment was great. You could select whatever film whenever! Plus the food was terrible, for plane food. I lower expectations but I actually thought I'd get food poisoning.
Yeah, I've been unemployed before and that lasted 6 months so I don't want it to be that long! However in this case I don't want to have to fall back on part time hours at the big soulless companies. I'm getting ahead of myself again! It doesn't help I applied for the perfect job yesterday and I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. Seriously...so perfect.
I've not seen much of the city yet, I hope to venture out soon now that we're in the new place. If by permanent you mean stay here for the rest of our lives then no =p. But the boyfriend has a contracted job leading to March and he's probably going to renew his contract for another year. So he's going to stay here for that time, but when I get a job I want to get my own place. If I don't get a fixed salary job then I might have to stay living with the boyfriend and split the rent.
WOW! 11 hours! wow... On the bright side, I'm glad you didn't get food poisoning
I'm doing well... I'm both looking forwrd to and ddreading next week because tuesday morning I'm flying to visit family! I'll be there for a week and I'm really not sure what this will mean for my workouts and diet :s
There are so many poeple I have to see, and so many things that need to be done in addition to the major birthday party that I'm going to attend... It's going to be a challenge.
Right now I'm living in a little bubble with my husband where I completely control my environment and bad influences are few and far between -- at home, it'll be a different story though... Wish me luck!
Davi: That sounds incredibly complicated! I read it a few times and still didn't really understand. : )
KatieKish: Hey! I am on Amazon looking for that book.. Is it: It's Called A BreakUp Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's break up buddy? that's the closet match on amazon but I guess I could google! lol
Riestrella: That just sounds awesome! Good luck with the perfect job!! What line of work are you wanting to get into?
I saw my best friend for the first time in forever.. She got me the cutest thing. Rx Breakup Recovery Kit, complete with bandaids, affirmation cards, a livestrong bracelet that says heartbroken, a broken heart charm for a necklace and a certificate for when I get over it! I know it's for the best. He was a doucher. When I feel bleh, I turn to TLC's No Scrubs and listen a few times and I feel much better.
As for working out. The last few days I have been moving my grandparents into their new apartment and I am dying. (All the boys are in the military and I'm the only one left and my mom has scoliosis, so I get all the heavy lifting.. With the boys gone, sadly (for them) that also means I am the techy of the family)
I'm looking for a new pair of running shoes! Does anyone have any recommendations?
Last edited by beahawkins; 08-18-2012 at 09:28 PM.
1yr - Where do your family live? I think in times like that it's best to just enjoy yourself. Obviously don't use it as an excuse to go crazy but don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you can find the time to exercise then go for it, but don't beat yourself up if you're swamped =).
bea - I'm trying to get a teaching job. The perfect job is a kindergarten type job, I would be paid just to act like a clown! Just think of the good that heavy lifting is doing for you! =D
Whatever you do though, don't use this as a reason to binge. When I went through my last breakup, I decided to cut my hair and get some new makeup, and maybe you could do the same. Celebrate YOU and the fact that you're free from a bad situation. 
