I've been having trouble with my boyfriend of nearly three years and I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, but wanted the opinions of some people around our age who don't know him.
There is no one big problem I can put my finger on, but rather a bunch of smaller problems that I'm not sure can be changed;
He's clingy when he wants attention, but non-responsive to my affections.
He keeps trying to drag me back into debates and arguments we've already had and, when I resist, claims "victory."
His *ahem* sexual kink is a huge turn-off for me (as I'm sure mine would be to him, which is why he still doesn't know about it).
I find myself no longer physically attracted to him.
He's slightly classist and unapologetically anti-Semitic, both of which bother me a lot.
He has no direction and talks continuously of dropping out of school because he is doing so poorly in his classes (largely because he stays up until 7 in the morning playing video games then sleeps instead of going to them). This wouldn't be nearly as big of a problem if I didn't personally pride myself on my ambition.
I end up having to pay for almost everything! A few months back, I ended up paying for my own birthday present. That wouldn't bother me as much if he didn't ask me to pay by saying that he'll be paying and expect me to object (when I don't, he asks me to pay).
He lies to me - always about silly, insignificant things and never anything important - but I hate it.
He has also been bad for my attempts at weight loss - he'll complain that his feet hurt when I want to do something active, but still cook highly fattening food including some of my favorite chocolaty desserts when we are together.
He's so infatuated with me I think he sees me as some sort of magical force of nature that solves all of his problems instead of as a person with flaws and insecurities of my own. He makes no individual attempts to better himself at all.
The times I've tried to talk about the future, he gets really nervous and tells me he's not ready to make plans that far ahead.
But is it fair to break up with him without warning? Should I try to explain what has gone wrong and give him a change to change (he's been pretty good about that when I've confronted him with something specific in the past), or am I better off just breaking up him because the problems are so diffuse? The timing is specifically cruel because our three-year anniversary is in two weeks - should I wait for that to come and go, or is that somehow worse? Not knowing how to proceed keeps me questioning whether it really is a good idea to break up with him...
i dont know you or him but from what your saying i would say its not fair to you to be treated that way and for you to be stuck with someone like that. i would say probly time to end the relationship. it seems it has ran its course. but just an opinion from what you said above. no one should have to put up with that stuff.
You're clearly very different people and there's no sense in carrying on a relationship when your heart's not in it anymore.
It'd be far worse for you to be unhappy and carry on with the relationship, simply because you don't want to hurt feelings, while things get progressively worse and both of you become resentful and bitter.
I say break up with him now. Why prolong the inevitable? Not every relationship was meant to last forever. Sometimes we go in with the best of intentions but it just doesn't work out. If it isn't a good fit for you why try to force it. Breaking up with him might hurt temporarily but you'll be doing both of you a favor in the long run.
It sounds to me like you are different people in many ways - not least that you have drive and ambition and he doesn't. Those things about him that bother you now will get bigger and bigger with time - been there and gone through that. I suspect that this relationship may have run it's course and you probably already know that deep down. It can be hard to let go of someone we've cared about a lot, but sometimes it's also kidner to make that break and move on. You might find a big weight being lifted from your shoulders when you do.
Hey Chain. From the way your post is written, I think you know in your heart that there is a different man out there for you. It can be really hard to walk away from a relationship when there is no grave "offense", and when your partner is infatuated with you, but I bet you can love and respect yourself enough to make up for it when he is gone.
If you aren't happy in the relationship now, how is it going to be another 3 years from now? He's obviously not going to change if he hasn't in the past 3 years. Do you see yourself marrying him and being with him for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then find the man that you would Love to be with, he's out there.
You're not talking about one or two "small things" that you can get over but a HUGE list of "small things", some of which I don't consider small things such as being "apologetically anti-Semitic".
You've put enough thought into this to compile a list of the annoyances. Do you really think he can change enough to make you happy for the rest of your life? Conversely, do you even think it's fair to ask him to become a different person? I'm sure he'll say he can because he's infatuated (insecure and dependent) on you but reality says change is hard and often doesn't stick.
Put your well being first and go from there. Good luck with your decision.
You haven't listed any of his positive qualities, so your description is of someone who TOTALLY SUCKS. It also sounds like you're just looking for "permission" to dump him.
Also, not being attracted to someone sexually is the only reason you need to dump them. You're not getting what you need out of it.
Therefore end it. We always think about other people these days and not our own happiness and to be honest like Kram said you haven't listed any positive qualities...and trust me he knows a break up is coming, there is clear warning in everything. Its whether we choose to except it or sweep it under the rug.
Good luck you know what you want to do deep down inside, now grow some and just do it! and be freeee freee freeee! *Hugs*
I'm seriously considering breaking up with him, but wanted the opinions of some people around our age who don't know him.
Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm NOT your own age. I do, however have 3 daughters your age and I have to tell you my heart would break to see any of them in the relationship you describe because I lived it for a really long time.
You're not physically attracted to him. You're not emotionally attracted to him. He can't support himself financially and refuses to support you emotionally. He lacks direction, he lacks motivation and he wants to (re-)engage you in arguments so he can win and he regularly lies to you, yet he wants you to be the center of his world...
Run, don't walk away from this - it's sucking the life out of you. You're an ambitious, smart, articulate 20-something woman. Be free, spread your wings, enjoy worrying about YOU and what YOU want.
Expect that he'll promise to change and he won't make it easy for you to walk away. He's getting something out of this relationship. Remember that you're not. He may beg and crawl and make a whole lot of promises, but changes will be temporary until he feels he's won you back. (see your initial comment about him winning)
You asked "is it fair that I break up with no warning?" I'll ask if it's fair to you to remain in this very one-sided relationship. I think from your initial post you know the answer. I also think you'll get all the validation you need that your gut is right. Gather your girlfriends to keep you busy for a while, it isn't going to be painless but it will make you whole again.
I've been someone who has stayed in relationships TOO long with people who don't care about my needs and that I was so far beyond NOT attracted to. Run!!
How long have you been together and how long has it been a problem? I would also be tempted to say it sounds like this relationship isn't for you, but really it has to be your own decision. Remember, its not your job to "fix" him! And it sounds to me that if you are going to want to change all the things listed, that's going to take a lot of time and energy really! The sad thing to me is that he doesn't seem to value you at all He lies, doesn't even buy you a birthday present (that sounds shallow, but come on- a small token would have done the trick right? or he could have made something? its not that hard) and it sounds like direction and planning is something you value a lot- and he doesn't. You could try to talk to him about these things, it really depends on you, but do you think he will really change? And if he does, and these things weren't a problem any more, what is it about him that you like? What are the redeeming qualities?
Sounds like you two are highly incompatible and he's looking for a free ride. And that is not a list of small things, that's a list of big things and any one of them could be a relationship breaker.
Boy Trouble
He lies, doesn't even buy you a birthday present (that sounds shallow, but come on- a small token would have done the trick right? or he could have made something? its not that hard) and it sounds like direction and planning is something you value a lot- and he doesn't. You could try to talk to him about these things, it really depends on you, but do you think he will really change? And if he does, and these things weren't a problem any more, what is it about him that you like? What are the redeeming qualities?
