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Old 03-12-2010, 10:22 AM   #1  
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Default OT: Boy Trouble...Please Help...Kinda Long But I Need Advice!

I have this amazing talent…I can take a perfectly fine relationship and make it **poof** disappear in mere moments!

The guy that I’ve been seeing for about 2 months and I are “taking a break”. I have never done this before...I’ve either been with someone or we’ve just broken up. I think I like that better. And I can’t help but think that it’s a little early for taking a break, anyway…if it’s not working out so soon, shouldn’t we just shake hands and part friends?

We got into a pretty ridiculous argument, in my opinion. You see…I’m late. Like…late late. And I hadn’t even mentioned it to him, but he asked and I told him I hadn’t started and he freaked out a little. That’s understandable I guess. I wasn’t really freaking out because I don’t really think I’m pregnant, but I can see why he would be concerned. I tried to be understanding to that…but then we wandered down that dangerous conversational path… “What Would You Do If You Were?”

Quite frankly, I don’t know. And please…don’t judge me. I have never had an abortion, but I am already the mother of one and not in a position to bring another life into my own. The circumstances are far from ideal and I feel like, having already had a child in a less than desirable situation, I know a little better. Babies are not all Johnson’s baby lotion and booties and sunshine. They are responsibility, a life time of commitment and sacrifice and financial obligation. And I don’t think that anyone should ever have a baby if they aren’t ready for one. I love and adore my son and want the best for him in life…I feel that our lives would be made significantly more difficult if I were to have another child right now or in the near future. (Please…I promise I am not an ice queen…I know babies are blessings and wonderful and all that…but I’m just not ready.)

Well, he apparently doesn’t see that “we” would have any other option other than to have it. I tried to be delicate…I tried to avoid the whole conversation…I really tried. It is waaaay to early in our relationship to be discussing things so heavy. And besides all that, I’m probably not even pregnant! I don’t FEEL pregnant and I think I would know, geez. But he just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and eventually this lead to him deciding he wanted to take a break (really, it was my suggestion, but I really asked just because I was so sure he would say no…ha ha, that backfired…).

Should I just let this go? Even if I’m not pregnant now, I might be later…and what if I’m still in the same position and still not ready? Are we clearly not compatible? It sounds like he would just not be able to support my decision to not have a baby if that's what I decided. I don’t know what to do…he texted me this morning but I haven’t responded. I’m slightly embarrassed that we’re having so much drama this early on…I’m not a drama queen.

Help girls…(and please please please no judging…)
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:03 AM   #2  
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I think the idea of shaking hands and parting ways is a good one. I'm of the personal opinion that if something this big happens in the beginning it's only to show that you aren't compatible for the long term. I've never been on a "break" with a guy... I made it clear in every relationship I've ever been in that either we're together or we're not, I don't like the idea of a break. Anyhow, only you know if you're ready for a baby and in that respect I will just say that I think it takes a lot of courage for a woman to decide to not have the baby and even more courage to put a baby up for adoption, knowing he/she could have such a better life with someone else. However, I also think that perhaps in the future you should consider that every time you have sex, there's a possibility of pregnancy. If you're not ready for a baby maybe the next relationship can develop slower so as to avoid any situation of this type.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:10 AM   #3  
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As hard as it is to deal with the situation now, it may be for the best that this happened so early. I would have a hard time staying with anyone who couldn't respect my decisions and choices. Or, at least, understand that it was ultimately my choice. He may be willing to come around on the matter, but at least now you have some understanding of his feelings on these things, and it can allow you to reevaluate things with a clear head, whether you two come back from the break or not.

Please, though, don't think that this is your fault. You say in your first sentence that you have a "talent" for making relationships disappear, but there's nothing wrong with things ending if they're not right for either of you. That's nobody's fault.

Good luck with everything!
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:14 AM   #4  
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I'm giving you the mommy look right now (LOL u no the mommy look) I'm guessing your not on birth control.....first.......Lets take care of that. I'm a single mother of 1 and like you i'm not in a place where I can bring another child into this world. I no that BC can be pricey...heck i can barely afford my pill but i'd rather deal with this stress of remembering to take this pill every morning over getting pregnant again!

If your "Late late late" why haven't you taken a test to find out if your pregnant or not?!? Yes you've had a child before butttttt every pregnancy is different. As far as the guy goes....The conversation you guys had is a touchy subject...not everyone agrees with it so yea I can understand why he'd be a upset (especially if he doesn't have any kids of his own)...If he's not making a big deal out of the little spat you guys had then you shouldn't either. You guys are still in the learning stages..yeaaaaa its a little early for drama but like i said..that was a touchy subject. You were the one that threw out the "take a break" idea..who knows..maybe he agreed bcuz he thought thats what you wanted.

In closing...LOL..get on BC woman! No more "uh ohs"
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:14 AM   #5  
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First of all You didnt make anything disappear. Take a deep breath! It's just a bump on the road. Babies are too much responsibilities. But I will keep my position on the abortion issue to myself since it is a VERY touchy subject.
So now you sent the boy home and told him you wanted a break but YOU really dont want a break, pheeewww! That's what we do as women. We're confusing like that so dont worry. So now two questions come my mind; Suppose you're pregnant and he cant support your decision to abort the baby? Or ANY baby even in the future,is that a deal breaker for you?

The second question is when he said "We" dont have an option but to keep the baby, what's that mean exactly? Does it mean committment and partnership(if so are you there emotionally and ready to commit to this man?) or financially support? And finally, is finance the only thing in your way or you just dont know if you CAN take care of another baby.

If the lack of support in this area is not a deal breaker, then I would talk to him and tell him why you dont think it is a good idea.

Last edited by zamzam; 03-12-2010 at 11:18 AM.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:30 AM   #6  
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I think that you said it yourself: this is a heavy conversation to be having so early in the relationship. You just told him you were late-to him this means you're possibly pregnant. Every guy freaks out a little at's a scary prospect because it is a lot of responsibility. The fact that you guys had an argument immediately after isn't too shocking when you consider the fact that-while you've known you were late for a while and aren't too concerned-he's freaking out and probably convinced your preggo.

The fact that he's texting you today says a lot. He may have had time to cool down and think about the situation. You never know. And if you aren't pregnant now, is this really something you want to lose a guy you've described before as great and perfect for you over?

This is an issue that people have strong opinions over. It's like politics (they go hand in hand really). It's possible to be in a loving relationship with someone and to have differing opinions on matters like these. You guys just have to make sure that you don't have a scare again (I know BC isn't perfect...heck my neice is living proof of that but I would suggest doubling up the protection to have BC and a condom every time).

P.S. If you go to your local Planned Parenthood you can get the Pill for free if you qualify as low income. They'll have you fill out a form and tell you based on your income how much you have to pay.
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:11 PM   #7  
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Whoa, girl, that's quite a situation. My gut reaction after reading your post was that this guy isn't worth your time or mental energy. You haven't been together that long, so you're 100% correct in your feelings that this is not the way to bring another life into this world. There are moments in life that test our character, and I really see this as one of those for him.

Yes, it's a huge deal and something to freak over...initially. If his response is to "take a break", that's the wrong move in my opinion. Any man worth being in your life, and the life of your already present little one, would flip, then suck it up and be there for you. It really doesn't matter if you're preggers or not at this point, he's shown his true colors.

I'm also with you on not getting this "taking a break" business. It's like "talking" to someone. What the heck does that even mean?! So you're "talking" to this guy, but not really together, then "taking a break" so that what...he can see if there is anyone better out there? No thank you!

Kick this one to the curb, hun. Someone better is right around the corner.

As for the potential abortion business, not judgement here. While I'm not supportive of ladies using use means as a method of birth control (as in primary...oops, I'm pregnant, let me take care of that for the 5th time), I absolutely do not support a child being brought into a situation that they don't deserve. It sounds as if you have enough going on already. Bringing another little one into the mix may not be in that child's best interest, so I certainly support your feelings there.

Lastly, I really suggest that you find a way to invest in BC, if you are going to be out there. I know that it may not be super cheap, but well worth it in protecting you from such situations in future. Good luck and let us know how things go!
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:16 PM   #8  
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(1) ... Have you takena pregnancy test yet? Plenty of women, myself included, have been late and not been pregnant. Then you can see what to do. I mean this nicely, but it is overreacting and irresponsible to be putting this much thought into it w/o a test.

And, on that note, I totally balled by eyes out after having been late 3 days, taken the test, found it NEGATIVE. I was crying from mixed relief and almost a little sadness - I had slightly started adjusting to the idea of pregnancy.

If you *are*, no one can tell you what do do about it, its your choice, whatever it is. The fact that he wanted a break after the news shows he's not long-term material. "A Break?" Wow.
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:32 PM   #9  
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I’m currently in between BC’s because of a lot of issues. I can’t find one that doesn’t make me gain weight, feel sick all the time, etc. We did use protection, which I know is not fail proof.

And yes, I totally agree, it is completely ASSANINE to be having an argument about an issue that has not even been confirmed to exist. I kept telling him that…but he just kept pushing it. “Well wouldn’t you even consider what I wanted?” Etc, etc. I even tried to pacify him…he saw through it. I got the feeling that he really felt like if I was pregnant, he would want it and I wouldn’t and wanting it trumped everything…so it would only be fair for me to subject myself to 9 months of an undesired pregnancy, labor and child birth, etc. Really? That’s an awful lot to ask someone!

I don’t think I’m pregnant, I really don’t. Which I why I am frustrated…we are on a “break” (which feels just like being broken up, fyi) and had a big dumb argument…over what could potentially be nothing. That’s stupid…it’s a waste…it’s confusing.

And I hadn’t mentioned me being late to him before he asked because I didn’t really even give it a second thought. You know how sometimes you don’t notice or you overlook? I didn’t think it would bring his world crashing down…

I think I’m going to take this “break” to get my thoughts together. Maybe he and I should just be friends…we do have a lot of fun together and a lot in common…

Idk. Thanks girls.
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:33 PM   #10  
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Either get on birth control and use condoms (can't be too careful), or leave him. I'm with you on abortion, but his feelings need to be considered. If you were to get pregnant, that child would be just as much his as it is yours. It would crush him if you aborted it. Especially if he's someone who sees abortion as 'murder'.

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Old 03-14-2010, 12:45 AM   #11  
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i have no idea what to say.
At least you know, I think you have a nice guy with you, who are willingly to take responsibilities.
What would you think if your guy is gonna say "no, we can't afford all the responsibilities and financial with the baby right now so you go and have an abortion?" Would you like to hear that? I at least don't think I would like to hear it from my guy.
But then your guy does act a bit over-dramatic.
I think you guys can talk and make it clear that you love babies, but you want the best for your children if you're going to bring it to life, so when you're not ready then you're not going to have it and make it suffer. I think he'll understand and respect your decision. If he doesn't, leave him.

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Old 03-14-2010, 01:13 PM   #12  
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Honey, I think in his eyes that argument was less about the reality of your pregnancy and more a measure of your commitment to him. Like Annita said above, put yourself in his shoes. He was concerned and trying to tell you he wanted to take responsibility, and you called him "assanine" and basically told him his opinion didn't matter.

No, you shouldn't bring a child into the world if you're not ready. But you're not the only parent of the hypothetical child. You put "we" in quotes, which makes me think you don't think the man should have any say in it. I don't have any moral objection to abortion, but I hate it when people say it's an issue of "a woman's right to choose." That's just as bad as in ancient Greece, when it was considered a man's right to choose to leave newborn girls out for the wolves and the mother couldn't do anything about it.

He obviously keeps "pushing the issue" because he doesn't consider it resolved. You haven't addressed the underlying issue here: trust. He wants you to trust that he would do right by you when the time came. He wants you to know he would stay and make a family. Your reaction told him you don't want that, and that he should start distancing himself before he gets too attached. If you want him back, call him. Tell him that you would be interested in building a future together, he would make a great father to your son and any other children you have, but now is not the right time.

Last edited by tkm256; 03-14-2010 at 01:15 PM.
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