So here I am back once again and hoping that I can stay committed this time and that in a year from now I wont be back here again with the same problem.
I have always had a troubled relationship with food. I was a rather small child until 8 years old when my parents divorced. I didn't really connect my weight gain with the divorce until recently. I am the oldest sister and I felt that I needed to care for my sisters during the whole messy situation. I most likely turned to food for comfort and with a relatively sedentary lifestyle, and poor nutritional habits it just got worse. By 14 I was 170lbs at 5'2"!
At 15 I decided that I didn't want to be the fat girl anymore so over the summer I virtually starved myself, and exercised like mad and got down to 95 pounds before my mom noticed and threatened to send me to an anorexia facility if I didn't start eating. Well that terrified me so I started to eat again and of course shot right up to 120lbs. Which is not a terrible weight really but I thought I was huge again. I started dating a guy who is now my husband and although the body worries didn't go away, going on dates, running the prom committee, preparing for university, working a part time job and spending all my free time with my boyfriend and friends, took up most of my time. By the time I started University and hit Christmas that year I had packed on a Freshman 20!
Horrified at the number on the scale, I worked really hard and got back down to a 118 for a trip to Florida. This didn't last long and I was up to 125 again. Slowly over 2 years of stressful post secondary education I was up to 150. I got married and saw the pictures and cried about my fat. I worked really hard and in 3 months was down to 123 (a good weight) the problem was since I had achieved this through starving myself it only took a year and a half and I am back at 139lbs.
I have gained 8 of those pounds in the last month due to not having enough time to eat and go to the gym. I work a full time job that requires travel and some weekend work, I have been rehearsing and starring in two local plays, I play in a concert band once a week and I am taking a course on the side. This had lead the last 3 months of my life to feel like a whirl wind.
I looked in the mirror today and felt like a cow. This seems to have happened so quickly and I need to do something about it before I balloon up again. My clothes are tight, my confidence is down and so is my energy.
I really really need this to be the last time that I start here and fail, the last time that I succeed through extreme and unhealthy methods in order to get thin again, and then get fat once I relax.
I am just so frustrated that I am either binging or starving. I know there is probably some deep psychological issue relating to my parents divorce coupled with a screwed up metabolism from years of harming myself with yo-yoing that is causing this but I really want to get off that track and just be healthy.
I want to be one of those people who goes for a run because they love it, not because they ate a donut.
Ugh! sorry for the rant and detailed past. I just want to state that I am recommitted. The sun is shining, the temperature is up, one of my plays is over so I will have a bit more free time, and I am going to do it for good this time. I have to! I need to find a balance between starving and fat.
Last edited by LittleKitty; 03-20-2011 at 01:43 PM.
I have also had a dysfunctional relationship with food. I never starved myself, but I have always been a binge eater, and compulsive overeater. I lost weight when I was a kid by dietingn a lot, but doing no exercise-and I never put myself on a diet, my family was always collectively on a diet! So, I never felt that I had to do work to lose it until I was older-and since nobody was allowed anything in between meals, I used to be hungry all the time, and even though I am an adult, married, it is hard to deny myself any and everything I want. I have started a weight loss journey myself, and I have lost a little so far. I guess the bottom line is, nobody here has had a perfect life with food. But, that just makes us stronger! We work harder, and that's amazing. You are not alone here, and you can get down to the weight you want to be through healthy means. It's one day, one step at a time. (((hugs!)))
Welcome back! I really hope that you find that balance that you need, and I think that even just admitting that you need it says a lot about your being recommitted.
I also just wanted to comment that I loved how you said "I want to be one of those people who goes for a run because they love it, not because they ate a donut." I want that too, and I think I'm starting to get closer to that.
Congrats on coming back and recommitting but one thing you need to realize if you haven’t all ready is it’s a life style change not just some fad diet you feel like doing for the moment until you get to the weight you want and then go back to the unhealthy lifestyle you were living before. When you were younger you chose unhealthy ways to do things, now you are older, wiser and more educated on how to do things and what to do with them. Obviously starving yourself doesn’t work, and just sticking to some random diet until you get to the weight you want to be at doesn’t work either because you go back to your old habits.
Forget what you did in the past, or how you did things, and what you looked like as a teenager and so on, that was the past, this is the now and the future. Also don’t be so hard on yourself omg you had a donut who cares it’s when you hit the 6 or a 12 donuts within the day is what you should worry about. It’s not always bad to have something unhealthy as long as you can control yourself and keep it in moderations. If you eat healthy and keep active and stop making it seem like such a chore you will get to the part where you will love running because you love to do it and not because you enjoyed a donut 10 minutes before hand. You will find the balance you are looking for.
i don't really feel that i have a dysfunctional relationship with food, beucase i can drop the soda and the sweets no problem i have a dysfuntional relationship with glutin i know it is so horrible for my body like right now i haven't used the bathroom in 3 days becuase i've had so much glutin recently, but its like no matter how much i know how bad it is for me i can't completely syat away from it and i know that while i continue to eat it i'm not loseing as much weight as i could be!!!! but i'm trying to giv it up cuase with me and glutin there is no balance lol
Finding A Balance
