Hahaha, you guys are wonderful. These responses were really helpful- and the Seth Cohen crack made me laugh.
I did some reading on Asperger's, and it seems to fit him perfectly...while I understand that this could be a "teachable moment" for him and that he can't understand social cues as easily as we can, I've also concluded that I'm not thick-skinned enough to pursue a relationship with someone who is prone to (in Apostrophe's words) "occasional blurting."
Run. It isn't going to get easier. You were obviously hurt by it and when it happens again you will be hurt again. If he is 20 something and behaving this way, you aren't going to be the one to change it.
I wouldn't drop his butt for just one comment. But you definetly need to address the issue and ask him WHAT THE **** he was thinking when that came out of his mouth?
Aww I agree with everything the others said! You're definitely not being too sensitive and that was definitely a jerk comment! I feel like insensitive comments are something all of us have to deal with along our journey and I'm so glad I have the support of all you lovely ladies now!
That said, You are doing awesome! Keep up the great work girl!
I think moving on is the right decision. Somewhere out there is a guy who won't say thing that hurt you, and somewhere out there is a girl who will find is occasional blurting to be funny and kind of endearing, someone who can laugh it off. There is nothing wrong with YOU for not being that girl.
Sorry for butting in here, but I also want to present the flipside of being in a relationship with somebody with Asperger's. My DH has Asperger's, but he never would have made a comment like that - his symptoms don't tend in that direction. He's more likely not to say anything than say something hurtful. Also, there is NO CURE for autism. He has probably simply outgrown the more extreme symptoms to where he can pass for "normal" in most situations. Chances are pretty good that he hasn't dated much and needs to practice not saying every stupid thing that pops into his head. Maybe he had just seen "Frosty the Snowman" and had the snow sliding scene stuck in his head.
My DH is socially awkward and typically avoids going to parties, etc. where he would have to "mingle", but he is the most loyal, loving person I have ever met. He would never even think of cheating on me. He doesn't play all the social games that seem to be the mainstay of dating. He is extremely smart and well-read and is a great father for our 3 kids - the oldest of whom also has Asperger's.
All that being said, your friend needs to be told that what he said was mean and unacceptable, and I am certainly not saying that you need to give him another chance. I guess I just wanted to say that people with Asperger's are worth getting to know.
First I loved the Seth Cohen (OC reference!) I was totally addicted to that show. And had a huge crush on that charactor.
Second-- I think this guy crossed the line. That would have really hurt my feelings, Id definatley have a talk with him. I wouldnt toss him out unless after the talk he screws up again. Like others said it could be due to his social akwardness.. BUT none the less he needs to know it was not humurous one bit, and that it wont be tolerated.
I would probably never speak to him again. I've been there and done that with the socially awkward men. How I feel is basically it's not my job to turn a boy into a man. So if you feel like being a mommy and teaching him how to treat people, by all means...talk it out with him.
Or you could go out looking for a real man that does not need to be instructed on simple things like basic courtesy...
Last edited by The Last Noel; 01-22-2011 at 08:27 PM.
As a teacher, I know that asperger's is completely over-diagnosed. I have known a lot of people with asperger's. I have also known a lot of people who believe/have parents who believe they have asperger's because they can't admit they or their child is not perfect. The reality is that nowadays, with television and absent parenting, people think being rude is funny and acceptable as well as quirky and irreverent. Don't be fooled -- you want a gentleman.
Astrophe's advice is very well stated, and I'd definitely reccommend following it. I also agree with girlinwaterglobe that Asperger's tends to be over-diagnosed. I've known people who legitimately had Asperger's that were wonderful people who just didn't "get it" socially, but I've also known people for whom Asperger's was the medicalization of being a jerk. What you have to find out is whether this guy just doesn't get it, or whether he's using it as an excuse to be a jerk. The good thing is, if you examine his behavior it should become apparent whether he's using it as an excuse or not.
I recently broke off a three year relationship with a guy who had Asperger's. His Asperger's WAS NOT one of the main reasons I broke it off, but I think it contributed to some of my other frustrations. The frustration that I think is pertinent to you is that he would unintentionally hurt my feelings and I would let it go because I knew he had no clue what he was saying. (However, it definitely wasn't a two way street - God forbid I accidentally hurt his feelings. I didn't hear the end of it.)
Don't make my mistake. If you do find this guy just genuinely doesn't get it, don't let comments go just because he doesn't know any better. That will only lead to a lot of resentment on your part. Like astrophe said, develop a system or a code to let him know that "Hey. You didn't mean anything nasty by that, but what you just said was not okay and I'm going to tell you why."
Just because a guy is up front about his flaws, doesn't mean you don't have the right to decide that said flaws are too much for you. I had a guy tell me up front that previous girls had described him as too affectionate. I kind of blew it off; it seemed like a good problem to have. Oh...my...gosh... he was REALLY affectionate. Uncomfortably so by the end of the first date. So yeah, it didn't work out.
These responses were really helpful- and the Seth Cohen crack made me laugh.
Thank you!
