So I've been single for almost 7 months. I went on a few dates over the summer but didn't meet anyone that I clicked with, or felt was worth investing time in. But, lately my luck seems to have changed and I've met several people I like and want to get to know better. Tonight I'm even going on a (gasp!) third date.
At this point I've been doing Weight Watchers for for a little over 9 months, and it's not too much of a struggle staying on plan. But, I still try to avoid situations where I'll call excessive attention to the fact that I'm very conscious of what I'm eating, or where I won't have full control over what's being ordered (pizza, tapas, dim sum, etc). So far I've been pretty pro-active about suggesting restaurants where I know I can find things, but I know I can't pick every restaurant all the time...
And that is why I feel like at some point I'm going to have to be a little more open about my eating habits, which brings up a couple issues: Firstly, when and how is the best way to tell someone that I'm on a "lifestyle"? And how do I do it without coming off as a crazy, and high maintenance, and just not cool. I feel like there is this feeling among guys that they want a girl who doesn't have body issues, and eats with abandon, who's fine going out for burgers and beers.
So secondly, if I do tell them about the "lifestyle" that will likely bring up the question of how much weight I've lost. At this point it's about 30 lbs., and I'm not necessarily sure that I want any of the people I'm dating to know that I used to be so much heavier than I am now. I like being perceived as a normal size person and I don't want that to change.
Okay, sorry this was such a novel. But, I'd love any advice, or if anyone else has had experiences with dating while dieting that they could share. Thanks!
I faced this issue as well at your stage with my (now) husband. In fact, I even had your same starting weight!
I told him the truth. I told him, "I used to be overweight. I ate too much. I watch what I eat now" and that was basically the end of it. I think that was date #2.
Whether or not you want him to know this early is your personal choice. I let him know. Health and fitness was the main reason we started dating (we met online but based on our personal interests. If you are a maintainer, then this is a big part of your life and I would suggest that this person knows up front But it's up to you. Most men are impressed by that really. A lot of women will complain about their weight but never do anything about it (a big peeve of men - don't complain about X if you wont change it).
I agree with Sacha - clearly you're doing something for your health and not just sitting around complaining about being overweight, so surely that's a good thing right? I'd be open about it if it comes up. You don't have to tell him what you weighed, just say that you try to eat healthily or just make a choice that's as healthy as possible regardless of where you go. Let yourself enjoy the evening but don't indulge too much. He may not even notice
Have fun! This is a lifestyle, not a temporary thing, and once in a while you can eat at places you don't have menus for!! Just focus on the company as that will be more important than the food!
I'm negotiating this minefield with my boyfriend all the time, still. He knows that I'm eating healthily and working on my fitness, that I've had problems with compulsive eating (which I told him about only after we'd been dating for about ten months, and probably still slightly down-played) and that my dad's obese; he doesn't know what my weight goals are specifically, or all about my weird yo-yo history. When we went out to dinner last night, I ate about a third of my entree (it was a full serving and then some, but you know restaurant portions), and then pushed it across the table so I'd stop picking at it; I was actually proud of myself, but he, who's fit and has never had to struggle to be fit, raised an eyebrow as though he thought I were being puritanical.
And so I just explained that, for people who have to *learn* how to eat healthily--rather than just growing up doing it--it takes a lot more conscious effort to stay on top of it. And so I needed that food to be out of reach. He accepted that, and I think it helped him understand what was happening?
I think it's also important for anyone who's around a person who's watching what they eat to know you're not judging them, and that you're enjoying food--just not enjoying *tons* of food. So talk about the things you find delicious, be as enthusiastic about food as you are. Go out for pizza and enjoy a piece of pizza. That's OK.
It's lots easier--and more comfortable for guys, probably?--to talk about health, getting enough veggies and all that, or to talk about how giant portions are for you (you're only 5'3"!) rather than talking about calorie counting. I think men have the worst time with calorie counting. Although I mentally count the calories my boyfriend eats in front of me all the time--he's 6'1" and 170lbs with a fair amount of muscle, so it's not like I think he's fat, it's just a habit I can't turn off. But I can't tell him that I'm doing it or even that I know how to do it, equally because I don't want to bring him into my cone of "being slightly insane when it comes to food"--I'd hate to make a healthy man cripplingly self-conscious about eating--and to prevent him from thinking that I am a little crazy. So.
Yeah, I guess I could have just said "it's hard." But I think it usually works out. Actual guys are almost never as judgmental as stereotypical guys. Tell him as much as you're comfortable with.
Don't give any long explanations, you don't owe anybody any explanations for your choices or your actions. If they ask, just state: "This is how I eat, I don't expect anyone else to adhere to these habits nor do I wish anyone to question my intelligence for the decisions I make on what I eat. I believe in equality and mutual respect in my relationships. I let you be an adult without harassment and I expect you to let me be an adult without harassment. This is how I eat."
And then let it drop. If he can't let it drop, wants to change you, harass you or question you, then you know whether or not you want to live with that the rest of your life :P
As far as his opinions of you "high maintenance" or "crazy" or whatever else, well, you just be you and let him form his own opinions of you, you can't control those. You CAN control YOUR opinion of you. Are you happy with yourself? More importantly, if you are happy with yourself- you just be you, and let him form his opinions honestly about YOU as YOU intend on staying the rest of your life. And if he doesn't like it, then let him take his opinions and show him the EXIT. Don't change your lifestyle to cater to someone else's "possible" opinion of you.
Don't say anything. Just eat what you feel comfortable eating, and if he says something just say, I like to eat healthy. You don't owe any explanations, and honestly I personally like to keep it as simple as possible with men, especially early in a relationship. You can give him more info later on if you want to but for now just enjoy your date!!
Don't say anything. Just eat what you feel comfortable eating, and if he says something just say, I like to eat healthy. You don't owe any explanations, and honestly I personally like to keep it as simple as possible with men, especially early in a relationship. You can give him more info later on if you want to but for now just enjoy your date!!
at the beginning, yeah there's really no need to explain yourself. but after awhile i agree with others that you can just say "i take being healthy really seriously" because it is a serious thing! it's our future!
I think everyone is saying something similar - there is a difference between eating healthy and being "obsessed" with or insecure about your body. I think most men are attracted to a woman who wants to eat healthy as long as "eating healthy" doesn't mean ordering a side salad for a meal and then picking at it. Even so, why say anything unless he asks or it becomes an issue? And, even then, you don't necessarily have to bring up "lifestyle" or "weight loss" or any words like that. You can just explain that eating healthy is important to you. I don't think that would make you seem lame to any guy. He can grab burgers with the guys. Or, even so, you can have a burger now and then with him.
I waited a long time to divulge my weightloss to my boyfriend. We were together about 8 months when I told him. Initially I just started hinting at it and then as he warmed up to the idea I told him how I follow WW and a rough breakdown of the points system. It's actually great because now I can say "too many points" or "I have 5 points for this meal, let's eat somewhere healthier".
So basically I didn't blindside him with all of my weighty baggage and planning. I warmed him up slowly and now we're at full disclosure. I'm glad I did too because it turns out he has a similar story as well and we can comfortably talk about weight challenges of all kinds.
Dating + Dieting?
But it's up to you. Most men are impressed by that really. A lot of women will complain about their weight but never do anything about it (a big peeve of men - don't complain about X if you wont change it).
Just focus on the company as that will be more important than the food!
