Aaaand then I flat out asked him if I was the first he said it to. He told me yes. So I sent him a long text message saying what I found. I had to. It would eat away at me, and I know I would grow to resent him. So, I'm waiting for a reply. We'll see what happens.
Well, since you’re telling him it’s a dream, he’s naturally going to say, “It’s just a dream.” He probably couldn’t even imagine that you know more than you’re letting on and wouldn’t want to start a ruckus over…just a dream.
Sounds like maybe this girl and their relationship is the farthest thing from his mind, which is good. Maybe, like Haley said, he forgot it because he didn’t mean it? Idk. I still stick with my original opinion…he was dishonest and needs to fess up or at least stop sticking to it!
If he’s forgotten about it, you’ll obviously never get him to “admit” it and if you keep trying to give him chances, it’ll just look more like he’s lying. And how will you ever know if he truly forgot or is lying about it all? If you want to deal with it, I say just ask him.
I think Hailey is on target. He may have said he loves her, but it was just the act of saying it and he never actually felt it. And really, how can you know that he didn't ever tell her face-to-face that he loved her - maybe it was just a myspace thing.
I totally understand though. I'm my husband's second wife...and I hate hate hate anytime ANYONE mentions the first wife. She was skinny too! :P
oh lol, I was writing mine as you were writing yours...good luck. do tell us what he says! (not to be all invasive into your relationship...I'm just all involved and hooked now!)
I definitely will let you guys know. He's at work though, so who knows when he'll be able to answer. I wish I were a less sensitive/emotion-fueled person. It blows. (Pardon the language.) But I wish I could just let things roll off my shoulders.
I think TYPING the words I LOVE YOU is a lot easier than saying it to someones face. I type a million variations of it to all kinds of people- friends, family, whatever, but I am not IN LOVE with any of them. I think saying it to someone face to face has meaning, typing it is easy to do.
It's in the past, and he is a GUY. He probably never TOLD her that, just reciprocated it in print because that is what you do when someone says they love you. It's almost expected if you know what I mean.
Relax, he loves YOU! It's hard to know about their pasts, before we were a part of their lives, but everyone has one, so we just have to let go and look to the future! (o:
Jaimie--- maybe you're right. I kind of wish I had thought more before I sent him this text message. Now I'm waiting. Scared, and nervous and upset for who knows how long. I just couldn't let it go. But I hope you're right. And I hope he doesn't get mad at me for bringing it up. I don't want him to think I was snooping either. It was innocent curiosity.
Even if he did say it to other women in the past (even to their faces), that doesn't mean he was intentionally lying. He may even have said, "I've never felt this way before," and still meant it every time. It's the nature of love, to feel like it's the first and only time you've ever felt this way.
That doesn't make it a lie, and it doesn't mean this relationship has any less chance of future success. It's just the way the early days, months and even years can feel.
If he lies about other things, I'd start to worry. My husband is an exagerator. It's his nature, and he doesn't even know he'd doing it - every time he relates an event it gets a little more dramatic. I was worried about it when I started dating him (wondering what else he was "lying" about). As I got to know him, and his family (turns out the big fish stories run in the male side of his family. Hubby's grandpa and dad tell some pretty big whoppers themselves). I also learned that he never lies to me about anything important. He's "confessed" things that were so trivial to me that I laughed when he told me. I couldn't help it, the sincere "I've got to tell you something and it might make you mad" got me so worried about what he was going to say, that the actual confession made me laugh.
Every variation of "I've never loved anyone, like I've loved you," isn't usually a lie, at worst it's a hyperbole. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me," "I never loved anyone until I met you," and all of the similar declarations of love really can't and shouldn't be taken literally. It doesn't mean they aren't true, or that the person didn't mean them (every single time).
If a guy said "I love you, and I've never said that to anyone before," even if he says it in every relationshp he's ever been in, I personally don't think it means anything significant to the relationship. He may mean it literally (he may have forgotten every other "I love you" he ever said), or he may mean it figuritively (the words come out because he thinks it's what he's supposed to say, or it feels "true" at the moment he says them).
If your guy doesn't lie to you about other things, I wouldn't assume it was intentional deception, and would chalk it up to the way he expresses his feelings.
The "I found something when I was snooping," (even when the snooping was innocent) usually makes even the most innocent person feel violated. No matter how innocent the snoop, it feels like a deep breech of trust (it doesn't help that snoopers usually claim an innocent motivation, so even when the motives truly are innocent, they're really hard to believe when you're the snoopee).
Once the accusations are out of the bag though, there's no way to take them back. Personally I would acknowledge that I "probably over-reacted to what seemed like dishonesty to me." If you feel you are entirely justified, then instead of "probably," say "may have," either way it should open up a discussion that can benefit the relationship (if both of you can stay calm).
Take it from someone who's been married almost (in July) for 22 years: Guys don't think the same way! They get lazy and those photos are there for two reason, probably 1) he just doesn't care if they are there or not and hasn't taken the time to get rid of them and/or 2) like most guys on some level it gives him a feeling of success (don't ask me, I am a women) but doesn't mean his feelings for you are any less.
As for talking to him? The one thing about your post that bothers me is the line: My friend Michelle says talk to him, but I don't want him to get mad, and cause problems. Sweetie you are always going to have disagreements and arguments will pop up. But if you feel this strongly about it, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to GENTLY (the key word here) bring it up. Only use words involving yourself, not aimed at him (ex: "I feel...." instead of "How could YOU") He will just shut down and stomp out!
You have the right to feel secure and comfortable in your relationship and able to talk about anything. If this is in the past......and he says that and you have no other reasons for believing otherwise........leave it and move on with him.
Ok I want to put my two cents in! In my past experiences, I have learned that if I get upset over little things with a guy there is a reason for it. And that reason is usually becuase he has made me feel insecure enough in the relationship that has caused me to be so paranoid. SO if this is not the case with you and he has not given you reason to not trust him, then please be fair and TRUST him. The second biggest lesson I have learned is to pick your battles! As women we always need to be cautious and keep our eyes open, but theres a line. You will sabatoge your relationship if you are constantly questioning him. But if it does eat up at you, then ask him in a non-accusing way. NO one is perfect and if you are confident and happy with him and the relationship, then give him the benefit of doubt! Good luck hun!
Fact is, he lied. There is no excuses reasons whatever. He lied. Will it be a continual thing though and is that something you will tolerate? My hubby lies ALL the time. I despise it. I mean he'll lie about what he ate for breakfast, it doesn't make sense.. he just doesn't think. Makes it very difficult to talk to him. Oh what was it today? Oh we were buying crab and I said I didn't want King crab because they pack it in salt and gag! and he goes oh they don't do it this other way. Which made no sense and I call him out every time and he blunders through. We get home and the crab is soooo salty and he goes yeah.. they pack em in salt. like WTF...? Really stupid things.
But I digress. I don't know how long you two have been together but if it were me I would demand he delete his comments and if that wasn't possible to go so far as to email the ex to take them down please.
The internet is forever. Gotta watch what stupid things ya do on there!
Also I am too concerned you are scared to have a discussion with him. You shouldn't be scared and if you're his true love you should be allowed to snoop all you want. my opinion. If there's nothing to hide snooping won't hurt anything and a spouse shouldn't care.
Hugs to you sweetie.
I guess we always want to think that our boyfriend has never been with anyone else but its not always realistic.
I think its in the past so maybe you should let it go. If it really gets to you that much then ask him to remove the photos. I know I would be upset about it.
