I'm not comfortable in my own skin...(possibly TMI)
I guess I'm posting this here because I'm more comfortable talking about it with you 20 somethings...and I feel like maybe more people will respond to it if I post it here (I know I don't check many other parts of the forum)...I also don't really know how appropriate this is...but it's something that I'm really struggling with...so I'm going to post it anyways. If it's too inappropriate, feel free to delete it.
I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin, and it's destroying my relationship...
Before I decided to lose weight, obviously I was overweight, and covered in stretch marks, and had rolls and stuff...I mean, I know I didn't LOOK good naked, but I guess at that point I was in denial and I was ignoring all of my flaws and so I pretended they didn't exist...so I was comfortable being intimate with my boyfriend...because it was like all my flaws didn't exist.
Now that I've started losing weight, I've been allowing myself to focus more on ME...and I focus on the flaws that I have in order to motivate myself...seeing how imperfect I am not is just more of a reason to try and lose the weight...
BUT I'm starting to realize that it's messing with my head. Now that I focus on the flaws I have, they get to me and bother me, and I'm not comfortable with myself anymore. I feel SO MUCH better with clothes on, especially since I've lost as much weight as I have, but once the clothes come off...well honestly, they don't even come off anymore.
Its really messing up my relationship with my boyfriend. We have a lot of other issues going on too (he's got some things he needs to work through, that he'll be going to therapy for), but one of the main issues is that we are no longer intimate. We don't cuddle (i don't want him feeling my loose flabby skin or stretch marks or bumps or rolls), we don't kiss, we definitely don't take off clothes, and we definitely no longer have any kind of sexual relationship....and it's all because of me. I don't let it happen...I push him away.
I tried talking to him about it the other night...and I was breaking down in tears telling him that I'm imperfect and I'm not good enough and I need to be better and I could be so much better and how mad I am at myself for getting this way and how I just can't feel comfortable naked anymore...and all he kept saying was how beautiful I am and that he knows I am flawed but that no one is perfect and he loves every single part of me including my flaws...he even turned the table around and said "how can you expect yourself to be so perfect when I'm no where CLOSE to perfect?" and the only answer I had to give him was that girls are supposed to be perfect.
I mean, COME ON....talk about brainwashing >.<
I DON'T know how to get past this. I KNOW he loves me, I KNOW he doesn't care about my flaws, and if we were to be intimate, he'd just be happy to be with a naked girl and wouldn't even be focusing on my flaws...but I can't get past it. I'm so uncomfortable right now...if we even try, I can't get into it...I end up just pushing him away.
I NEED to fix this so that it doesn't destroy my relationship. He's the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, but I know he can't help but wonder if there is some other reason I keep pulling away from him (even though I've explained all this to him numerous times)...and I just want to feel confident again! I want to be able to be the best girlfriend ever...I want to feel hot and sexy...I want to feel like I wouldn't look like a fool if I put on some lingerie....I just want to get past this =/
wow...I hope that made sense. Its still something I'm not extremely comfortable even admitting to, but I honestly need some serious help, and I didn't know where else to turn.
Unfortunately I don't really have any advice. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone in struggling with your confidence. I haven't even considered starting a relationship in years because it will eventually involve intimacy. I wish you the best in working through this.
I can't afford professional help...I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to my pastor about it at all, partly because I was raised a church girl and I shouldn't be having sex before marriage, but also because he's male and I don't think I could handle talking to him about it...and I can't afford a therapist or a counselor, and I can't ask my parents for help paying for one because they would want to know why I felt I needed to see one, and I couldn't ever bring myself to tell them...
Is there something you can be comfortable doing with him? Like holding hands? I think any physical contact may help a little. You could maybe take it baby steps from there.
It's tough opening up about something like this. I think that in and of itself is a step. If you can, maybe you should see a counselor?
*hugs* I hope this gets easier for you. And take a look at how much weight you've already loss and how much healthier that has made you. Try to focus on positive things.
I wish I had some great advice but I'm at a bit of a loss because I'm dealing with similar issues too. When I was at my highest weight I could look at myself unclothed in the mirror but hated looking at myself when I was fully clothed. Since losing weight the opposite is true, I love my body fully clothed, but naked is just icky. I think you're on right and it has something to do with being more aware of your body and it's flaws. I guess losing a significant amount of weight is a lot like going through puberty again...you suddenly have a brand new body that's still going through a whole lot of changes. At least for me, when it comes to my 'new' body I definitely feel like an adolescent, very awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. I think it just takes time for the brain to catch up with the weight loss and accept your new body (flaws and all). Stay strong, it will get better!
When you want to get intimate where one of his baggy shirts, it cover's you up yet you both can still have sex. As well maybe try without lights or lighting candles. But if the biggest thing is you don't like the way your body looks just wear the oversize shirts. That how I used to ALWAYS do it until i met my boyfriend. I always had a shirt on because that how I was comfortable with it I hated other people seeing me naked.
I feel your pain- I know my husband wants intimacy more than I do- and I try- but since I've lost weight I feel WORSE about myself sometimes- I'm like how does that work?! Sheesh...
Honestly I bite the bullet and go for it- I focus on my husband and not on myself- and that definitely has helped me.
Beauty is not defined by flabby skin and stretch marks. I've got awful stretch marks, and I used to be so paranoid of them!! Then this summer, I saw a beautiful, tanned, skinny blond chick who had crazy stretch marks all over her calves (faded, of course, but they were there!). So you see, we all have things we're worried about. I'm worried about how PALE I am! I hardly tan, I'm just a pasty, freckly mess. Oh and I've got cellulite hard core on my butt and thighs.
My boyfriend and I have had sex a few times, mainly early on in our relationship. We were also very physical early on, not just sex. At that time, I was very ashamed of how I looked, especially because he's a tall, thin, positively gorgeous Greek guy. How I ever ended up with him, I don't know!!! =) But I was honest with him about it, I cried sometimes, and he was so confused. He honestly thought I was hot, and I didn't get it because I didn't think I was hot. I didn't trust him, I guess. We, by agreement, decided to start waiting until we got married to be physically intimate beyond kissing, holding hands, etc (kid stuff lol). It's helped us tremendously. It's forced us to find other ways to be intimate, to show each other we love each other... And it's given me time to build my trust in him. Now, I don't necessarily feel hot around other guys, but he makes me feel sexy. I'd put on a sexy piece of lingerie around him (sigh, after we get married) because now I feel like, well, he knows every other aspect of me... Showing him my body isn't half as bad as the other things we know about each other. And, I hate to say it, but that's how I think relationships were meant to be.
There are procedures that you could save up money for, after you've lost all the weight you want to and stuff. You can have your skin tucked in a little. You can fill up some of the space with muscle. And give yourself more time - often, your skin will snap back (especially b/c you're young) more than it is now! Just keep drinking lots and lots of water.
But believe in yourself and have faith in yourself. You've accomplished a lot. Stop yourself from thinking bad thoughts, they have no business being in your head anyways!!! So you've got some flabby skin - isn't that better than having firm, taught skin over a lot of fat tissue??? And so you've got stretch marks - they really do fade with time. If you learn to love yourself, not despite your flaws but especially because of them, you'll understand how someone else could love you in the same way! *hug*
What you are going through is very difficult. However, it sounds like you have a very good man and this is the kind of a situation (sorry to be blunt) that can really ruin a relationship. The thing about it is that you are really a beautiful woman. Seriously. Another thing: men cannot fake attraction in the bedroom. If he is excited by you (sorry, maybe that's TMI!), then he cannot possibly fake it! I think you have to really make a decision to let your man love you the way you are....even if you don't. Obviously, you will want to work on that in the future and it's quite possible that you won't feel this way forever. I sure hope not! However, why not give up that fear you're holding on to with your boyfriend? He things you're beautiful. The problem is that the images of beauty we see on t.v. and in magazines are not real! They are airbrushed and the celebrities have chefs, surgeries, injections, etc. Your boyfriend is not comparing you to those fake images! He is just loving you the way you are in a very real way. I really believe we have the power to choose. Yes, you can say that you're unhappy with your flaws, but to not want to be touched is a choice. (sorry, I'm really into tough love). I think you have to start with small steps. Maybe you could light some candles and do some massage with one another? Do that one night and nothing else. On another night, just spend the night holding each other in bed and just stroking one another and nothing else. Once that becomes comfortable, you can move slowly to more intimate steps. The point is that sometimes, it takes time for your brain to catch up with your body but if you go through the motions, it will become more comfortable for you. That is what is done with cognitive behavioral therapy to treat things like phobias. Let's say the person has a fear of public spaces (agoraphobia). The first step would be to take that person out of the house for a few minutes and then back home....slowly, building up...teaching the brain that nothing is truly dangerous about it and that the fear is irrational. Such is the case (possibly) with your fear of showing your body....so just try small steps.
I really hope you find a way to love yourself because you are really quite lovely.
I don't know what I can say that will help you, but I can only tell you how I relate somehow.
I had a very similar problem with my guy, but only after I had lost weight once and then gained it back.. I agree with having someone to talk to.. I was going through something really bad during that time and though our intimacy didn't ween to that extent, my self-confidence was less than ever. The only thing that really got through to me was when my boyfriend erupted at me once during what was becoming a very daily and endless cycle of complaining about myself.. he pointed out that every time I told him that I was not beautiful when he told me I was, told him I hated my body when he told me he loved it, told him I was too ashamed of myself to go out with him and his friends on his birthday when he told me he never felt ashamed about me, it was being selfish. This shocked me.. but he pointed out that one doesn't need to be arrogant to be egocentric.. and I realized that I had to stop caring (if that makes sense) for a while, force it in a sense, and try to see things objectively.. then we became close again and I started losing weight not because I thought that was the only way to be happy or beautiful, but because I was doing it FOR myself, if that makes sense.
It really is true that confidence corresponds to attraction. Anyway, I was really extremely depressed during that time, and it took a while before he told me that.. and still, a while longer to really accept what he said and do something about it. That was when I started to lose weight again over the summer.
I know what you mean about how once you start losing weight, it seems like you want to look at all your flaws and correct them.. I had a weird thing going on initially when I started to lose weight where I suddenly wanted perfection in every sense of the word, but it takes a while to realize that "ideals" of one's self isn't the best way to go about things. It's good to have goals, but sometimes we need to be more forgiving to ourselves, because we are human. My boyfriend is actually going through the same things in ters of having to work things out.. he WAS in therapy until his insurance ran out and he was clinically depressed, but he's been handling things really well on his own but some things I have to be patient with.
You have a boyfriend that loves you dearly, so instead of searching for what it is you're trying to find the answer to through him, I think maybe you really should try talking to someone that can help you figure things out for yourself and realize some things. It's really all on you, even if you go talk to a therapist, it ultimately is on you. You know you're pushing him away, so maybe you can try to take a few steps towards him.. I don't know your relationship dynamics, but sometimes my boyfriend and I over think and the only way to get past something is to let it go and not revisit it (especially if it is something where the clashing comes from two people really just loving each other and being frustrated in themselves).
Talking doesn't have to be the only form of communicating. If you want the closeness back, maybe try some small things like kissing again, or holding hands, just to let him know you acknowledge this and earnestly want things to be better. Try dressing up in something that makes you feel beautiful and share it with him. He does not care about your flaws the way that you think, and its unfair to make HIS decision about how he feels about you.. it's not going to push him away if he feels a "roll" - what will push him away is you not allowing him to be with you. When he says you're beautiful, believe that HE thinks that, at the very least. Sorry if maybe that comes out bluntly, but I' just repeating the things I had to think to myself to pull myself out of a really bad funk. Sometimes we know things intellectually, but it takes a while to accept.
I really wish you the best of luck I don't know if anything I said will help or not, but at least know that you're not alone.
Last edited by Starrynight; 01-08-2010 at 11:05 PM.
I think Lizzie2010 said it perfectly!! I'm afraid that unless you can learn to love yourself just the way you are these issues with your boyfriends aren't necessarily going to get better. Stop focusing on the flaws or what you think are the flaws in your own body and start thinking about the posititive things about you. Focusing on your flaws may be helped you lose some weight but it sounds like it hasn't done anything for your self confidence.
What does he say when you tell him your insecurities and why you are having a hard time being intimate?
I think it's a really hard line to tread in weight loss, and it's one I struggle with a lot, especially on this site. I want to lose weight, but not by vilifying my body. YOUR BODY IS NOT THE ENEMY, no matter how many times people say that here. The point of weight loss is to make you feel better and look better. It sounds like your weight loss is making you miserable - so why are you doing it? Think long and hard about why you started wanting to lose weight, and recognize that despising your body is NOT good motivation for ANYTHING (except maybe therapy!).
Look, losing weight is great, but it should never be at the cost of your self esteem and happiness. I strongly suggest you check out the Health At Every Size (HAES) movement - that might be a way of moving into more body-positive thinking while still figuring out, and aiming towards, whatever your healthy size is.
I think most women would be hard pressed to say honestly that they LOVE their bodies - but you absolutely have to stop hating it before you can be in a healthy relationship. It's non-negotiable. If you can't afford individual therapy, look into groups that might be in your area - they tend to be extremely cheap or even free. I think any eating disorders group would probably be a good place to start, especially one that focuses on eating disorders other than anorexia - because you're all dealing with the same thing, learning to stop hating and punishing your body, and developing healthy eating habits at the same time.
You can do this. PM me if you want to talk some more.
I sometimes feel the same way about myself... how could I have thought that I looked good before... still need to lose x number of pounds before I really look good... but that's just self-destructive thinking. It's not true! You can be beautiful at any weight as long as YOU feel good about YOU.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin...(possibly TMI)
Have you considered talking to someone - professionally about your situation? A therapist, counselor, clergy?
If he is excited by you (sorry, maybe that's TMI!), then he cannot possibly fake it! I think you have to really make a decision to let your man love you the way you are....even if you don't. Obviously, you will want to work on that in the future and it's quite possible that you won't feel this way forever. I sure hope not! However, why not give up that fear you're holding on to with your boyfriend? He things you're beautiful. The problem is that the images of beauty we see on t.v. and in magazines are not real! They are airbrushed and the celebrities have chefs, surgeries, injections, etc. Your boyfriend is not comparing you to those fake images! He is just loving you the way you are in a very real way. I really believe we have the power to choose. Yes, you can say that you're unhappy with your flaws, but to not want to be touched is a choice. (sorry, I'm really into tough love). I think you have to start with small steps. Maybe you could light some candles and do some massage with one another? Do that one night and nothing else. On another night, just spend the night holding each other in bed and just stroking one another and nothing else. Once that becomes comfortable, you can move slowly to more intimate steps. The point is that sometimes, it takes time for your brain to catch up with your body but if you go through the motions, it will become more comfortable for you. That is what is done with cognitive behavioral therapy to treat things like phobias. Let's say the person has a fear of public spaces (agoraphobia). The first step would be to take that person out of the house for a few minutes and then back home....slowly, building up...teaching the brain that nothing is truly dangerous about it and that the fear is irrational. Such is the case (possibly) with your fear of showing your body....so just try small steps. 
