Hey guys...I've been registered for a while but I'm sort of a lurker on this board... anyway...
I have a very close friend who is much bigger than I am, I would guess by 100 pounds at the very least. He has many serious issues with food, stemming from some terrible things that happened in his childhood. He's a compulsive eater, and he knows it.
Other than me, he really doesn't have any friends who are overweight, and because of this, I know he likes to talk to me about his struggles.
This is great, but we are very different. I don't really have any serious overeating issues, my problem is that I put on the pounds after a knee injury, and now I am lazy. I hate exercising, and while I don't eat terribly, I still do like to eat the way I did before I stopped exercising, and thus, I put on 40 pounds or so. I don't hate the way I look. At a 12-14, I'm not incredibly uncomfortable with it- I'd like to lose a few pounds and tone up.
My friend seems to not really care about his health, and if it weren't for his looks, he wouldn't care at all.
After that long back story, here's the issue: He loves to lump us in together, as though we have the same problems, and we don't. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Just the other night, I commented that I liked the tye-die shirt he was wearing, and he made a comment like "Well, we could probably share clothes, we're about the same size." This sort of pissed me off! We are NOT the same size at all! This guy wears a size 48 men's waist jeans!
He also will eat and eat and eat, unlike anything I've seen, and make a comment like "I just can't stop today! I know you can relate!"
I understand that it is important to have someone to relate to, and confide in, but these comments really feel like put downs. I know they aren't, I know he is just trying to have someone who is in his same boat, but I have been making many changes. I've lost 10 pounds in the past few weeks, I work out, watch what I eat, and I have never been a binge eater. We aren't in the same boat.
How do I tell him that these comments make me feel badly about myself and the strides I've made toward losing these last 30 pounds?
Also, I sort of forgot to mention that he ALWAYS makes these comments around our friends, and that's part of what makes me uncomfortable. It's like he's trying to rationalize his behavior to them by lumping me (someone who all of our friends know is trying to become more healthy) in with him.
I guess you just have to say something. I defensive "No, actually, I'm much smaller than you!" is probably a bad idea, but an honest "Why do you say that so often? Compare us and state that we're the same?" or "You know, when you say that, I feel like you're using me to excuse behavior you don't approve of in yourself. I don't appreciate it."
I have a classmate who turns everything into a context, who always picks on the smartest in our group of friends, comparing herself, putting herself down, "suggesting" to the teacher that he look at that 'smart' friends work first... etc. It's a disservice to others, and it's a disservice to herself, too
I know...it kills me because I love him so much, and I know it's sort of a defense mechanism for him, I know it's because he's unhappy...but it makes me feel uncomfortable...I agree that I shouldn't be defensive...and I should probably talk to him on his own and not just say something in front of our friends the next time he says it.
Quite honestly, I can relate to both of you. I think you and I are at about the same size (I'm 5'9, 175, 12-14 pant size), but I have also been the only "unhealthy" one in a group of friends. Before I started dieting, I didn't eat great. I wouldn't say I was a binge eater, but I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food. That being said, I can certainly see why you'd be offended if he compared your sizes as if they were the same, but I can also see where he's coming from.
He feels negatively about himself, and misery loves company. Instead of focusing on the negatives, bring positives out. Next time he says "I know you can relate" or anything of the sort, blow it off, but say something positive. For example, you could say "eh...(ignoring his comment)...well I'm getting in better shape, you should work out with me" or "check out this calorie counting website I found" or whatever.
That way, you're using his perceived connection between the two of you to prompt him to think about getting healthier. AND, you would make it known to him that you are doing something to improve your health.
I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but when I was the bigger friend (again, I'm not huge, but bigger than I want to be), I would poopoo on my friends for working out or eating healthy. I'd encourage them to eat junk or to blow off a jog. I wanted them to be unhealthy like me. I was jealous that they were living healthier than I was, and I'd put it down to make myself feel better. Now that I am working out and eating right and so on, I'm enthusiasic about getting healthy. Even though my size hasn't changed dramatically yet, I'm much more confident.
"You know, when you say that, I feel like you're using me to excuse behavior you don't approve of in yourself. I don't appreciate it."
Say this! It does sound like he's using you being overweight as an excuse for him to continue on like this. I wouldn't play along with misery loves company. Maybe you could talk more about what you're doing that's healthy in a positive light and he will come around?
He probably doesn't even realize he's doing it honestly.
I'd just speak to him alone and tell him that it bothers you how he compares the two of you cuz you are overweight as well and ask him to please stop. As someone who IS overweight he should understand that at least.
I definitely wouldn't say something like that to my overweight friends- and a few of them are larger than myself and I am sure there are times they CAN relate but I still keep it to myself.
I agree with mkendrick, next time he says something like "I know you can relate" you might say "well, I used to do that but now I've started to do this and I've had some success with it". Personally, I would be hacked off enough to say something a bit more direct, but it is hard when its a close friend
I can totally relate. I have a friend who constantly puts me in the same category as her. At my heaviest she was 40lbs heavier than me and I've lost 40lbs since then. She constantly says things like "Oh, I was at such and such store yesterday... they totally have our size there." I never say anything to her about it, but it's hard since she doesn't seem to realize the healthy choices I'm making and wants to keep dragging me down. I think what was stated above can help you out in this case... spin your healthy habits in a good light and make him want to join you. Misery does love company, but you don't need to get sucked into that misery... especially if in doing so he's putting you down about your success so far. Hope everything works out! Keep us posted.
I feel so very sorry for how much pain he must be in to make those comments. It sounds to me like he probably needs someone else to lump in with himself to cope with what he knows he's doing. It also sounds like he may have a distorted body image of himself, most likely a coping method.
I definitely think you should talk to him about it, not only to communicate how it makes you feel, but just as importantly to try to help him. I really don't think he knows it's hurting you. Tell him that you understand how hard it is and let him know how proud of yourself and relieved you feel that you're doing something about it.
And keep us updated on if you get through to him. Tell him to come on the forums and hang out with us! A support group may be exactly what he needs.
Much bigger friend
A support group may be exactly what he needs.
