..if someone is right for you forever? I was reading CatRocks' The Break-up diet post and realized that if me and my current bf broke up right now I'd miss him for sure, but I wouldn't be depressed or go crazy over it. Is that wrong?? I've only had that reaction with one of my bf's when we broke up. This is really bugging me! Honestly, at the beginning of our relationship I wasn't really into him, I thought he was just a rebound. I know he's happy, and I'm happy too, but sometimes I think I want the kind of head-over-heels love thing, you know? Any advice?
EDIT: We're getting serious now, so it may be stupid to be thinking of this now instead of when we first got together.
If I am hearing you right it sounds like your relationship is missing the sort of passion/ crazy/obsessive feelings? I totally know where you are coming from but I think it depends on a couple things: What kind of person you are and what you hope to get from a relationship. Infatuation is great, it's exciting, it gives you butterflies and all that. The down side is that infatuation will fade everntually, it's a gurantee, if you are together for a long time, you can't maintain that level of passion so at that point, you better have something else in the relationship to fall back on.
I was in a similar situation with my bf in the beginning where I was sort of like "why aren't I obsessing over this like I usually do? Why aren't I nervous and acting like a completely different person?", it made me almost insecure. I realized after a while, I was able to be myself around him, I trusted him, I had tons of fun with him and he had the sweetest heart I had ever seen in a guy. After a while I realized I didn't need all that crazy obsessive passion to be happy, I had a million other sustainable qualities to our relationship that made me a million times more fulfilled. I would say if not being passionate with him is the only thing worrying you, mabye look at the other things you get from him and you might look at it differently!
I think it's perfectly healthy to know you won't go nuts.
Relationships should be complimentary, not supplementary, you don't need someone to "complete" you.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband, we've known each for 12 years and will be married 4 years this June. We are best friends, we tell each other everything, and I'd do anything for him.
BUT say he were to leave me, as hard as it would be, with time I'd be able to move on. I lived before him, I can live after him, and if the breakup had anything to do with infidelity than I'd hope even more that I'd have the strength to realize that I deserve someone who can be faithful to me. I don't think it's healthy to be at a point where you can't live without the other person, it's sweet to say it to each other, but you never know what tomorrow brings.
well I kinda feel the same way. We had a really great crazy relationship. We made it a year and a half long distance. Now, I am home for the summer and things are so different. We have a long distance relationship again but we can never talk about anything anymore. Meaning we have nothing to talk about. We love each other very very much but things aren't the same as they usually are when I have to go away. The spark seems gone.
I'm afraid to end it because I don't think thats what I want, or what he wants. I don't know what to do, I just know I'm not happy with this whole nothing to talk about anymore buisness.
Vouge I think you should talk to your bf about this then. Communication is so important in a relationship.
When my husband and I hit a lull we both talked about it and said what changed? And it was comfort, we weren't trying like we used to. I started doing nice things for him like making his favorite meal, or baking him a cake (now I do healthier alternatives). Or I'll send him a text saying I love you. He'd send me a text poem or something. We also made sure that once a week or every other week we did something OUTSIDE the house just the two of us. We'd go bowling, or go to the swap meet and walk around a few hours. We'd also talk about our days, that can actually fill up some time if you do more than say "my day was alright."
The fire dies when people stop adding fuel to it, it's time to think back to what you guys did before and go back to that
Thanks, I think the hard part might be the limited communication we have right now, I only have 450 minutes a month on my phone thats included in my plan, and he lives with his parents but doesnt have long distance. As well he doesnt have money or a microphone on his computer to use skype so we are trying to work things out.
There's been some great replies already, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in....
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling like you wouldn't be devastated if you broke up with your boyfriend. I think that just means that you are a strong, independent person. Relationships aren't all about butterflies and whatnot, but I'm sure you know that.
On the other hand, I think you deserve to have all the passion and head over heels kinda love that you want. You just have to decide if you can have that, or if you even want it, with your current boyfriend, and it may take some work from both of you. Whatever you decide to do, don't settle for less than what you want.
Analeh, have you read the glorious Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility (seeing a movie adaptation doesn't count; they over-dramatize things and drown the point of the book)? The central conflict is between two sisters. Eleanor, who's like you (and me), is self-possessed enough to live without love if she has to. Maryanne completely buys into the romantic notion of two souls intertwined, pining and mourning and making big productions when she's separated from her man. Maryanne is always harping on Eleanor, calling her heartless because she won't shed tears for the lost love of her life, who's engaged to someone else. Finally, Eleanor has to lay it straight to her: just because she's not banging around in the throes of insanity doesn't mean she isn't in love.
Then Maryanne's jilted by her gold-digging other half, almost dies from her reckless crying bouts in the rain, and marries the sensible military veteran down the street, and Eleanor gets her boy back when his family rips his slutty fiance to shreds. But that's not the point. The point is that there's nothing wrong with being independent. Hollywood would have us believe otherwise, but jealousy/obsession/willingness-to-do-anything-to-keep-him are not the central evidence of love. Mutual respect, sensitivity, and empathy are.
Thanks, I think the hard part might be the limited communication we have right now, I only have 450 minutes a month on my phone thats included in my plan, and he lives with his parents but doesnt have long distance. As well he doesnt have money or a microphone on his computer to use skype so we are trying to work things out.
Have you ever thought about sending him a letter? People do communicate with letters ( snail mail ). Letters can be very romantic and passionate.
I was in a similar situation with my bf in the beginning where I was sort of like "why aren't I obsessing over this like I usually do? Why aren't I nervous and acting like a completely different person?", it made me almost insecure. I realized after a while, I was able to be myself around him, I trusted him, I had tons of fun with him and he had the sweetest heart I had ever seen in a guy. After a while I realized I didn't need all that crazy obsessive passion to be happy, I had a million other sustainable qualities to our relationship that made me a million times more fulfilled. I would say if not being passionate with him is the only thing worrying you, mabye look at the other things you get from him and you might look at it differently!
I can kind of relate to this. I have always trusted my DH to the point where it disarmed me. Everything I felt (and fell) about him I felt so deeply that it made me call into question how "real" it could be. Even his smell is "safe".
The only way I can describe it is that he just smells and feels like home.
With that said, I don't believe in one true love. While I can't imagine my life without DH, I believe that with 6 billion people on this planet, there is just no way I am only compatible with just one... I just feel pretty damn lucky to have found one that makes me laugh so hard and love so much
It's funny, My friend was asking me if I ever questioned myself after I got engaged. I guess a friend of hers is now engaged and asking questions herself. I definitely made myself stop and say, "even though I've been hoping for this for a long time, is this what I truly want and who I want it with?"
I'm glad I made myself answer that question before the wedding day instead of 5, 10 years in.
I would be devastated if my bf and I broke up. I'd feel like I'd be loosing my best friend. We're going through a bit of a rough patch were I do feel like we're more best friends than lovers. I don't have the butterflies in my stomach, can't stop thinking about him feeling. I'm happy with him, I very content with him and I love him very much, but sometimes I wonder if he's my best friend who I happen to sleep with.
Part of our issues stem from my weigh gain and some of the unhappiness in my life (work issues, lost contact with some of my friends, upset about the weight) I'm hoping that by slowly turning my life around we'll get back to a better place. I do think that beerab is right that we need to make more of an effort with each other...
I don't think that independence and head over heels love are mutually exclusive. I am a super independent person BUT, I also know deep in my heart that losing my dbf would absolutely destroy me. I feel like him sort of like I feel about reading. Strictly speaking I don't NEED either of them, but at the same time, I can't imagine that a life without them would worth it. He brings too much color and joy to my life for me to imagine it without him.
As to the original question: you don't always know right away. Sometimes you need time to learn that about yourself and your relationship.
I've always had wildly passionate relationships that were obsessive and unhealthy. I've also recently had a relationship where it was much more stable, but there wasn't any passion. The difference I noticed is in the stable relationship is that I always had a strong sense of personal power, no obsession, and there wasn't any emotion trumping my logic. I was able to see that he was unable to set boundaries with ex-girlfriends, so we ended up going our separate ways. I guarantee that if one of the boyfriends I obsessed over had that issue, I would have totally overlooked it.
Another factor to think about: are you comfortable with the power dynamic? Is he more passive than you and you're not used to that? Is there one person who is obviously "in power" or is it pretty distributed?
Do you think you like each other equally, or does he like you way more than you like him? It seems like the couples who are most successful both seem to like each other about the same.
I have a friend whose option was: brilliant, fascinating man who could never be faithful or consistently emotionally available; or less "sparkling" guy who was there for her all the time. She ended up marrying the latter.
OT: How do you know..
