I woke up this morning ready for a new day and a new month to lose weight, I was ready to put on the 30 Day Shred to exercise when family members came over. I said I will just exercise when everybody leaves today.
Anyways, everybody was chatting and having a good time including me, at some point when there was only me and my uncle (who I love dearly) in the living room, he started telling me in a concerning and gentle way that he noticed that I've gained weight and how I should work hard to lose it, he basically was giving me a lecture. While he was talking, I started feeling anxious and sad, butterflies in my stomach, and felt tears in my eyes, I just wanted to cry and let all the hurt out. When other people were coming back to the living room, he just said 'Well, just think about it', so that the others wouldn't know what we were talking about (that was nice of him to just change the subject when others were around).
After our conversation, I went straight to my room and gazed at the mirror for a while, I know I am overweight, I m working hard to lose weight but it just doesn't show ! I even started to think that it's not worth trying anymore, that I would always be the fat girl in the family, it's sad and lonely sometimes
Things got worst at lunch time when everybody was gathered at the table; I got some salad, eggplants, chicken breast and cauliflower and when I was reaching to get some Tabasco hot sauce, my uncle just SHOUTED my name and said ' I GUESS WE JUST TALKED ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT GAIN, THE LAST THING YOU NEED IS THAT HOT SAUCE, YOU ARE FAT ENOUGH FOR THAT, AND DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SELF RESPECT ...' everybody just looked at each other and was quiet and I just wished to disapear from this place. I was so hurt, I felt a knot in my throat, wanted to excuse myself from the table but just didn't want to cause any drama. So I stayed there without saying a word, and basically all they've talked about during luch is my weight, how conforting is that to me !!!! And what hurt me the most is the way my uncle was talking, he thought if he talks bad about how fat I am I will just get motivated and started losing weight, Well NO and NO, for me I will just find food as confort and stuff myself.
Tonight, there is my cousin's birthday party, I was planning long ago that I wouldn't eat any sweets or anything, but now I don't know what would happen, I just feel so miserably sad and down.
I know I m strong, I know I eat healthy and exercise regularly, but I m FAT in everyone's eyes !
Sorry for the long read, has anything like this ever happen to you ?
Ouch, I am so feeling for you . He should not have talked about it that way during the lunch. Really.
I used to have the same kind of trouble with my parents. I gained about 50 lbs since I started studying and naturally they were worried about that. Usually I can talk all kinds of stuff through with my parents quite easily, but for some reason weight issues are different. As soon as my dad started talking about it I kind of shut down... the last thing he made me want to do was lose weight! I just became angry and defensive. In the end we had to decide that we would not talk about it anymore. It was about to damage our relationship. Though it may sound odd, this worked quite well for me. I was aware of the feelings of my parents, and they were aware of the fact that it was very hard for me to talk about this, so they didn't break the subject. Maybe this could be a suggestion for you? To just tell your uncle: "I appreciate your concern, and I share it, but this is a very hard subject for me to talk about. I am working on my weight, but talking about it is so hard for me that I don't want to do it on an occasion such as this one."
Some months ago I decided to break the subject: I started losing and I talk a lot about this with my parents. That goes very well. I guess I just couldn't bear to hear them say all the time what I really did know in my heart.
You may love this uncle dearly, but I think he has done wrong in raising the subject in such a way. He probably doesn't understand what a tender point this is. I think you should tell him this, call him, possibly. He should know that he has upset you or he might do it again! It is also very well possible that as soon as you have done this the party of your cousin feels less looming over you.
A big hug, and whatever you do, know that we are here for you
Edit: I would also like to add that what he said at lunch goes way over the limit. Concern about your health and wellbeing is one thing, and acceptable. Lecturing you about your choices is something completely different. It's hard to think of an appropriate response on the spot, but the one that just popped into my head was: "Did you say something? Oh, sorry, I guess I wasn't paying attention. I was just contemplating the big workout I had planned for tonight, so that I would be able to have a nice meal with you all here without watching too much what I eat."
I think that was just nasty. I think he meant well, but that doesn't excuse treating someone so badly. And frankly, hot sauce has practically no calories, so he doesn't even have the faintest idea what he is talking about. This just makes me so angry.
Is this uncle possibly suffering from Dementia? I mean this question seriously. A normal person tries to be tactful and not embarass people in front of others.When I started reading your post I thought you must hugely obese but you are not. Although you are overweight , there is no reason to be ridiculed and embarassed by this rude, uneducated, unkind ahd ignorant man.
You should be congratulated for taking charge of your health and doing it before it becomes even more difficult.
Is it just me, or is "kind concern" sometimes more hurtful than blatant rudeness?
My mother is a fitness instructor, and while she's definitely yo-yoed up and down weight-wise, in the past few years, she's lost a TON of weight, and has been smaller than me. She's incredibly supportive, but once or twice when I clearly wasn't putting much effort into weight loss, she caught me in a private moment and raised her "concern" about my weight "for the sake of my health in the future" etc. I love her, and she did it tactfully, but I won't say it doesn't hurt, especially when I've been trying and having a rough time.
In your case...
For starters... Julie is right. Hot sauce has some sodium, but calories-wise, it's like... devoid. He has no idea what he's talking about, and what you were about to eat is completely conducive to a healthy weight-loss directed meal. Now, if you'd just halved a large chocolate cake and taken the one entire half for yourself, I MIGHT see where he was coming from... but instead, I just want to enter your story and shake him. Or shove the nutritional information for hotsauce in his face and ask him to divide 15 calories into 1500 calories... (15 calories is about 3 oz of average hot sauce... that's a good amount of tabasco...)
Really, though, I think the issues at hand are your uncle embarrassing you, and him deciding what you should or should not eat...
My advice (Take it or leave it )
I don't know how you feel about talking blatantly to your uncle, if you have that kind of relationship or not... but I would make him aware that his embarrassing you and making you feel bad will not be powerful motivators to aid in your weight loss. If he wants to help you, he can be encouraging and supportive. Let him know that you're not going to crash-diet and deprive yourself of EVERY small pleasure in your weight-loss journey. If you spend the next 4-5 months eating nothing but plain, leafy green vegetables and boiled chicken breasts, no salts or seasoning... you will not keep the weight off forever, because you can't keep that up forever. Instead, you're going to say "no" to garbage more often than you used to, get more exercise in, and make a concerted effort-- but still treat yourself to things you enjoy every once in a while.
Maybe it's because I'm proud as ****, but my most powerful motivator to have this conversation with him would be to let him know that my weight loss (because you will lose weight, darlin, especially if you stick around here and take support and friendship from all these lovely ladies!) was NOT as a result of his badgering rudeness, and was a product of and a testament to my (YOUR!) own strength and awesomeness.
I say that you go to your cousin's birthday party with a renewed sense of your own strength and badass-ness. Go knowing that you can say no to the garbage food, and that while it may seem un-fun to say no to yummy foods... it's a step. A step towards becoming the happier, healthier, tobasco-loving, 143 lb you.
And next time you're around your uncle, you should pound hot sauce straight from the bottle. Not only is it sweet revenge... it's low-calorie. D'uh.
I am so sorry about what happened with your family!!! I know how it feels to be the "fat girl" in the family. It totally sucks. I have no wonderful words of wisdom. I am just so sorry!
Isnt that the way it goes.... we wake up ready to do the right thing and along comes someone to sabotage us. Thats all it is, sabotage, its going to happen a lot as you are trying to do this. you can do it dont give in, its going to be hard work and you will be a little discouraged along the way but you need to look at the bigger picture you can do this... this is a great web site to keep you on track. if you have a bad day its ok just get back up even if you have to start over fresh everyday, you can do this!!!!
Dazzling,
I have had something similart to this happen to me. Having always been the "big" girl, family gatherings with my grandma were always like that. Weight, my weight always came up and like you it was more sabotaging to me than being quietly supportive of my effort would have been. PLease please please don't let it get to you. Just know in your heart of hearts that you are making healthy choices much of the time. Know that it IS ok for you to have a piece of birthday cake just like everyone else. We are here for you.
I think it's not so bad that your uncle had some concerns about your weight -- though I do generally think people should just shut the F*** up about other people's weights and bodies, but it wasn't unacceptable that he brought it up to you privately.
But to yell at you and berate your food choices and call you fat and irresponsible in front of the entire family is totally 100% unacceptable. I'm surprised you didn't throw your plate of food at him, to be honest with you.
I would say something to him, but I'd show more class than he did and do it privately and keep it private,. I'd take him aside, as an adult (not as his little kid niece) and tell him that you're a grown woman he's never, ever, ever to lecture you and scold you -- about ANYTHING, but especially not about your weight -- ever again. Ever. And if he says "But I'm worried about you" then just tell him straight out: "What you did is unacceptable to me. I appreciate your concern, but I'm not a crack fiend... I gained some weight, and I'm working to get it off and my weight problem does not justify the kind of disrespect you showed me earlier today." Be nice about it, but drawn the line in the sand.
I'm sure you do love your uncle and that he's never don't anything like that before, but you need stand up for yourself. Telling him he crossed 'the line' isn't disrespectful to him, imo.
Ugh... good luck and try not to let this ruin your time with your family.
I agree she should talk to him about what he did, but imo I don't think she should have to detail her weightloss plan to him. It's not his business and she doesn't have to justify her food choices to him or convince him of her sincerity in trying to lose weight. He's not the food police.
I understand what you're saying about telling him that she wants to lose weight healthily, rather than through some crash diet and everything so he'll leave her alone, but ... he should leave her alone anyway. He should leave her along even if she decides NOT to lose any weight at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jelbb
My advice (Take it or leave it )
I don't know how you feel about talking blatantly to your uncle, if you have that kind of relationship or not... but I would make him aware that his embarrassing you and making you feel bad will not be powerful motivators to aid in your weight loss. If he wants to help you, he can be encouraging and supportive. Let him know that you're not going to crash-diet and deprive yourself of EVERY small pleasure in your weight-loss journey. If you spend the next 4-5 months eating nothing but plain, leafy green vegetables and boiled chicken breasts, no salts or seasoning... you will not keep the weight off forever, because you can't keep that up forever. Instead, you're going to say "no" to garbage more often than you used to, get more exercise in, and make a concerted effort-- but still treat yourself to things you enjoy every once in a while.
Maybe it's because I'm proud as ****, but my most powerful motivator to have this conversation with him would be to let him know that my weight loss (because you will lose weight, darlin, especially if you stick around here and take support and friendship from all these lovely ladies!) was NOT as a result of his badgering rudeness, and was a product of and a testament to my (YOUR!) own strength and awesomeness.
I say that you go to your cousin's birthday party with a renewed sense of your own strength and badass-ness. Go knowing that you can say no to the garbage food, and that while it may seem un-fun to say no to yummy foods... it's a step. A step towards becoming the happier, healthier, tobasco-loving, 143 lb you.
And next time you're around your uncle, you should pound hot sauce straight from the bottle. Not only is it sweet revenge... it's low-calorie. D'uh.
Thank you soo much girls for your kind support, I had tears in my eyes just reading everything that you've said.
It's true I should have said something when he said what he had to say, but I just didn't want to ruin the gathering knowing that everyone was having such a good time. He just ruined my DAY but it's NOT going to ruin my LIFE, tomorrow is a new day, this hour is a new hour for me, what has happened is a past and I will focus instead on my long journey to losing weight.
Now I m going to the party, focused mainly in having fun and not on what has happened.
PS: He just came to me while writing this message and said 'And one more thing, you should cut the almonds and pumpkin seeds that you eat, they have loads of cholesterol, you are big enough for that, maybe when you get skinnier you can enjoy them once in a while, and I responded ' I eat them in moderation, at most 10 almonds once a week, plus they contain GOOD cholesterol, not the bad one, and I m not going to deprive myself of things I know they are healthy UNTIL I get skinny! '
He wanted to argue, but just told him that I don't want to talk about it anymore, that discussing this subject with someone who doesn't feel what I m going thru is not going to help. He then hugged me and left.
Thank you again girls for all your support, it just helps me immensely
All you needed to say: "I'm a grown woman and I'll eat an almond if I want to."
Really... *hug* He's not the food police and you don't have to justify anything to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dazzling
PS: He just came to me while writing this message and said 'And one more thing, you should cut the almonds and pumpkin seeds that you eat, they have loads of cholesterol, you are big enough for that, maybe when you get skinnier you can enjoy them once in a while, and I responded ' I eat them in moderation, at most 10 almonds once a week, plus they contain GOOD cholesterol, not the bad one, and I m not going to deprive myself of things I know they are healthy UNTIL I get skinny! '
He wanted to argue, but just told him that I don't want to talk about it anymore, that discussing this subject with someone who doesn't feel what I m going thru is not going to help. He then hugged me and left.
Thank you again girls for all your support, it just helps me immensely
I agree she should talk to him about what he did, but imo I don't think she should have to detail her weightloss plan to him. It's not his business and she doesn't have to justify her food choices to him or convince him of her sincerity in trying to lose weight. He's not the food police.
Hmm. I see your point, I agree that it's none of his business. I guess what I'm seeing is that he's MAKING it his business, and she's allowing that in trying not to create drama. I don't really see it as justifying her eating/weightloss to him, I see it moreso as trying to help a loved family member understand why what they're doing isn't helping. *shrugs* Either way.
He just ruined my DAY but it's NOT going to ruin my LIFE, tomorrow is a new day, this hour is a new hour for me, what has happened is a past and I will focus instead on my long journey to losing weight.
Ive got that alot from my family in the past .. and its kind of the main reason why my "attempts" at losing weight always ended ... Don't let them bring you down ... remember you are doing this for yourself and the results WILL come just don't give up
HURT and Feeling Down :( Long
)
Not only is it sweet revenge... it's low-calorie. D'uh.
