I'm worth these things... not because they please/displease Mom, but because I'm a separate being (look, no umbilical cord/apron string) and am therefore worthy.
It's amazing how I can be a professional woman in her late 30's and still have issues with my mother. ROFL. Ah dear.... I need to remember that my MOTHER has issues with her mother!!
Okay... it dawned on me that many of my "get its" or "don't get its" have to do with diet and Mom (see lengthy tomes above), but I'm not quite sure where the whole exercise thing comes in.
I was never encouraged to be "sporty" as a kid, never joined any sports (except for synchronized swimming...lol!!) Certainly, I was made fun of as a teenager in gym class, but I think that had a lot to do with my weight and not my ability.
That said... there's nothing more there. I don't think there is. This could be one of those areas where it's not a get/don't get but simply "I don't like". LOL
Anyone else have any gets/don't gets around the area of exercise?
Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking thread. I don't know how I missed it over the past 6 weeks.
I've been staring at my computer, trying to figure out just what I "get" and what I don't "get".
I get: Getting back on track whenever I slip off.
I get: The exercise and the importance of it. I love to work out. I feel so strong, so great. I am grateful that this is not an area of concern for me.
I get: This weight loss has to be done for me, and only me.
I get: My mom has nothing to do with my current weight. Again, happily for me, my mom issues are absolutely not related to weight and food. (Don't worry, I have other mom issues, so I am not getting off scott-free ,)
I DON'T GET: I have to put myself first. I totally put my 3 sons And their needs ahead of mine. I do a much better job of this when they are in school. Thank goodness they started back today.
I am also scared of losing weight. I have had only a few comments on my 45 pound weight loss and I am so glad. I do not want my kids to hear people commenting on my weight. I have never said the word "diet" to my boys. I have never indicated to them that I am unhappy with my weight. I am doing everything I can to raise them with a healthy attitude toward food and weight. When they ask about my exercise routine, I always tell them I want to be healthier so I am working out. I am very matter of fact about my body and theirs, indicating these are the bodies God has given us, and they come in all shapes and sizes.
I am also scared of losing weight because I have used food as a coping mechanism for so long.
I am scared I will gain it all back, as I have every other time I have lost weight. I have lost thousands of pounds in my life, and have always put it back on. I lost 100 pounds only 6 years ago and here I am again.
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful insights.
Last edited by o2bthinner; 08-22-2001 at 12:50 AM.
"I took my new swim toy to the beach yesterday. What fun. It's like an inflatable chaise. This swim thing has had me pondering on the number of things in life that I don't pursue because of my weight. We have a dream thread over on teh 100#club and one thing I would like to do is white water rafting. I would also like to ballroom dance. Life is too short to gather regrets. "
This is something that I posted over on the lowcarb forum under low carb support. As I was typing and reading I realized that it belonged over here.
What I know=
I am NOT living life to it's fullest.
I am letting my size dictate my activities.
I am sometimes letting my fear hold me back.
I let my size stop me from applying for positions/jobs where "I" think my size would hold me back. That's not for me to decide.
I think that everyone is looking at me when-
I eat in restaurants
I walk in a room
I am wearing a swim suit
I am wearing something revealind\g
I shop for gifts in the "reg size" dept.
I am at the gym
Am I insane? Do I think that my presance is so important to others? They may pause a minute, they are not paying me any mind. WHo are "they " any way?
I've let my size dictate my life for several years now. I've not wanted to attend social gatherings (and yet, I'm out there in front of the public once a week...something's different about a social gathering), I've not participated in things like white water rafting or frisbee.
It's dictated who I am, and not just what I do.
It's been in control.
Ha!
Not anymore!!!!!!!!
I've got a better sense of what it (my size) has done, and now I can see it working and know what it's doing. I'm not going to let it do that anymore.
We have all spent a lifetime successfully being fat. We have not failed at all we are very successful people. Why..... the fat suit is a tool...it keeps us safe from many things.
1) It dulls the emotions... food...it is how we do not cope with our own emotions...we don't.
2) We focus on others totally on order not to deal with ourselves.It is a painful process and one we have successful kept at bay.
3) We are less of a threat to women and a buddy to men(sometimes that hurts) but mostly we are a comfortable presence to all and wanted for our jovial personalities.
4) We don't have to compete so much with others as that is not an option to begin with. As we all know from work to medical care we are not looked at in the same way as our slender sisters. Not even respected in the same way. I know many of us have fought those battles and won respect but we have to prove it all the time.
5) We do not want to be denied ...especially not food but it is the food that denies us our lives.
6) We are afraid of what we do not know, a human condition not a fat one. Slender...we expect total joy when we get there. It isn't true. There are still problems , sorrow and pain that is life but we are used to hiding behind he fat and when it is not there............
7) People do not expect as much from us and we don't want them to. Life is hard enough. That doesn't mean in all ways... emotionally alot is expected of us becuase we are usually the "strong ones" able to help everyone. After all we can stuff our emotions.
8) We are less afraid to die than we are to live face to face with all that life throws at us.
9) We don't even know what it means to be slender. Can you easily picture your self that way with your head attached to a slender body....I doubt it. We are afraid to be the confident , healthy , lovely women we could be. There is always a cost for everything....in this case will you be a different person? Yes you will! You will be more out going, more comfortable in any situtation, you will be more outwardly expressive and sometimes in the limelight. We don't want that. But then that is in large part due to the fat suit we wear for protection.
10) We don't want the eyes upon us because then more is expected....from us. Others try to help ,Thank Them for their loving consideration, you should. They want you to succeed at losing weight not at staying fat. Staying fat is easy.
11) We have to decide what we want and why. We have to want to be the best we can be so that we have more to offer the other people in our lives. But Most of all we have to understand that what we dont give to ourselves other will not give either. So we so often feel, unappreciated, 2nd fiddle to everyone else, even unloved. That is our own doing we have set the stage. In work we are in the background, we do not get the promotions as often,
we have to work twice as hard to achieve less. We do not even get the medical care we should as judgement are made the second we are seen.
12) We prefer to deny all of these things and make life harder perhaps we deserve this punishment after all. I have respect, I have self worth ,I have.... well yes we do to a point but it takes no genius to know that appearance is what first impressions are made of and first impressions may change but their imprint on us are forever. We have made ourselves less than we can be on purpose.
I myself began this process after being molested as a child. The fat suit is a big plus if you don't trust your own sexuality or someone elses. There are may reasons but believe me we are VERY successful people at what we do. Stay fat. It is easier than confronting the issues, it is easier in so many ways but it also robs us of freedom. The freedom to be our best, the freedom to be who we are with out restraint, the freedom to do all the things we would have liked to do, go to the places we would like to go, wear the things we would like to wear and be the freely expressive we so dire to be. All the things we see others do so easily and secretly want for ourselves. We have to be willing to change...our minds, the rest becomes easy.
Love to you all.
Pam
Pam All I can say is wow, I am so glad I brought this thread back up. Thank you for sharing. It brought alot to me that I had been ignoring. I havelost 30 #' so far and 29 inches. Enough that people notice. It scares me. I still see myself in the mirror as the same size. I know I must be smaller becuse I am wearing clothes that didn't fit before, but I can't see it. I have used my size as an excuse to not to try and do things, seek new jobs, go have fun etc. Now I am working on not having that excuse. 99% of my battle is mental. I have used my size and food to cope w/ so much. I am getting better but I have a long way to go.
Again Thank you for your trust in sharing something so personal.
Believe me I ignored a lot too. A few truck loads in fact for a long , long, long time. Guilt and shame . Guilty for what I do to myself and ashamed of the results although I promise you know one would know it!!!! I am such an expressive person and so outgoing.....Little do they know the limits that surround me, the insecurity, the shy nature hidden by laughter and overcome to a large degree but still there.
My greatest quality , the one that came hardest, strength of personality and will. I really had to work to get that one but as my true nature I took it to an extreme. I did not consider getting help, I would do it myself, not open up to others(insecurity), hide my feelings to the point that identifying them became real work,
attempting to control my circumstances as well as those I love(really quite funny when I couldn't even control myself), always focused on others in need or in trouble and I was in more trouble than all of them put together. Self destruction slowly and without mercy.Hiding behind my food, alone. Getting mad when a word was said, (hurt)(shame) resenting help from others. Avoiding being the center of attention and when I couldn't I became very, very ill. Now that is easy all I had to do was disappear. First behind food and then from life. Same thing. Why, my heart and soul knew what I had done to myself and it was not a vision I wanted to share with anyone no matter how close they were to me. There is the truth. This time is the first time I have really reached out . Before I came I knew I had to have my head on straight to even do that . It took weeks to achieve. To change my attitudes before I even came here. No one is an Island not even me. My Father once said it takes more courage to cry than to stand with a firm upper lip. You have to be willing to be vulnerable. I came with an open heart and Mouth LOL...so that I could suceed. I learned in life that I can not control life that is in God's hands not mine and it's a good thing because he knows everything I don't but he did give me control of one thing almost totally...me. I promised myself even if you all hated me for my words that all that I am is open to you all, for selfish reasons, I hope I can led some measure of insight here and there, perhaps even help in some small way but my friends the mosst lesson in this life I have learned is that we are all in this journey called life and we need each other to make it through. Together we are sstrong and divide or alone we are not. I love and appreciate each and everyone of you and for the first time since childhood I can say in honesty and proudly, I need you. I need your strength, your help, your concern and your support . I am a strong person but I am not an Island. To be one is to be alone in a crowd and that is not how life was meant to be lived. I grow and am enriched by your presence. All of you.
Love,
Pam
Pat by the way...it is not to surprising that insecurity comes into a heavy persons mentality after all we are judged at first sight and know it. that"look" that we all know crosses the face and is unable to be hidden, even if it lasts for just a second we don't miss it...ever. Little do they know that there judgements are no where near as harsh as our own.
Why should we trust our own emotions when we are hardly ever validated by others. We all need praise and acceptance and a big pat on the back when we have done well to validate all the achievements we are making. Every human needs that. Most get it easily but we don't. People assume we are destined to fail ...that instills the fear in ourselves or of regaining all we have managed to lose.
We are afraid to say or do anything to hurt the feelings of or offend others much more than most because we are quit experienced at rejection and it doesn't feel good at all. So we end up always trying to please others and the results are we have to stuff our own feelings so much that we are afriad of them , that to release them will make us bad people...unkind. We ssure don't want to hurt someones elses feelings as we have a lot of experience with that and totally understand how that feels.
The truth is sometimes the truth is hard, sometimes it hurts and we have to love others enough to say the truth when needed despite the negative feelings that they respond with. Love is putting yourself on the line for someone else no matter what the cost to you. You know almost always the person will have an adverse reaction and in a short while will work it out and the relationship will be stronger than ever. Sometimes the person we are saying these things to is ourselves.
I have never been to concerned with how others see me but how I see myself and I haven't seen my self in a very good light for a long time but it is returning.
This is a time when I have to put myself first in order to be the fully functional human being I need to be for myown sake and others.
This is a time when I must be first because the people I love and value will never know me as I really am due to excess weight which restricts who I am, how I function, what I do and how I come across as a person. I don't have to say a word about how my weight affects me to anyone they know...it shows clearly to everyone but ourselves.
I am a deeply emotional person. I apologize to no one for this. I am proud to be so deeply caring and feeling. I would never want to be a robot for anything in the world.
I have as much right to my emotions as anyone else does and I have the perfect right to feel as I do. I may sometimes be in error but so what. I AM ONLY HUMAN!
That is my favorite saying as it gives me total permission to be wrong, to fall on my face, to make an *** out of myself, or anything else and it is God given. I am entitled to be less than perfect.
Mostly this time is mine because I have to get back to the person I was meant to be. For the freedom to live my life to the fullest and have that to give to enrich the lives of others.
Being fat is selfish. It is how I keep me isolated from emotions, life,and a variety of other things. It is how I keep me safe no matter what the cost.
I am perfectly able to have aand cope with my own emotions.
I am perfectly able to say no.
I am perfectly able deal with life head to head and toe to toe.
I just choose not to. It is soooo much easier to hide behind the fat suit and keep myself totally safe........ even if it means no one gets my best, my easy laughter my total sharing of all that life has to offer.
God Bless,
Pam
Well it took a few days but I didn't want to rush thru a post.
I think that as "I" emerge, thru all these layers of fat I must be mindful of my motivation for my weight loss. I think one of the reasons that I have maintained my commitment is that I am doing this for me this time and look at all the other benefits as the icing on the cake. ( sorry for the food analogy).
In addition to the fact that I choose what goes in my mouth I also choose how I react to my surroundings, people, comments, looks etc. I must keep in mind that My sourse of self worth comes from w/i me not by the above circumstances. and it has nothing to do w/ my size. That means that my life wil still cont. to have ups and downs when I reach my goal. If I place my happiness on my size I will be in for a fall.
i also feel How I choose to see, respect and care for myself is teh foundation for how I allow others to treat me. How can I expect others to respect me for who I am if I don't. I must make and maintain boundaries which is also about self worth issues. If I worry too much about "hurting" people when I stick to my boundaries I have put myself last instead of first. And being first in my life is OK. It isn't selfish, I just have to be mindful and respect others in teh process. I deserve to take care of me.
Boy Pat, isn't it something....we so rarely realize how much is involved with every aspect of our lives. I want to lose weight. That sounds and seems on the surface so simple but it reminds me of a tree not only are there so many brances that comes from that tree but unseen are the long reaching roots that feed below the surface. The roots of why, when and how that tree lives and functions. We are such complicated creatures and the trick isn't in know the answers but in learning the right questions. We have the answers inside ourselves but coming up with the right questions!!!!!
By the by for al those with Mom difficulties..... like most of all women at one time or another, there is a great book called MY Mother, MY Self , that give a lot of insight. I am a Mommy's girl and my biggest problem was that MOM had no idea as to the power of her words on me nor that despite myself they used to hit straight to the soul. It made me furious at her when really I was mad because I was feeling so defensive of her sometimes harsh and careless words. And ever so critical at times. I came to understand that that was just her nature in general, certainly not "aimed" at me to cause harm she always wanted the best for me. As much as we are alike we function so differently. Funny enough I found out she was just a human doing the best she can jusst like me. Sometimes great and sometimes lousy but always wanting more for me and loving me. Mumsy, is an amazing woman who has managed to survive almost 80 and lived through things I will never have to. Worked in a way I will never have too and for these reasons and ssoooo many more I respect her deeply. Going from child to Adult "child" in her eyes was a job for us both and a war for awhile but we made it. She will always see those things that are no longer a part of me and so long outgrown that I don't rememeber them but she is my Mommy and alway's remembers....Moms do that. She made a lot of mistakes just like I have, just like all Mom's do but she did so much more right and I have her to thank for the disipline I didn't want, the no's I resented, the punishment I "didn't" deserve(LOL), and the guidance that told me she was so out of touch with the times!
Little did I know then, that she was the cat and I was the kitten and as different as the world was and is now nothing is new it is just the same as it has alway's been at it's heart. Life is an ever repeating cycle. I was in my thirties before I got that....and Mom is my best friend and Mom. She isn't perfect who is but I am able to know what is a fact and what isn't and free to agree to disagree without feeling less becuase we are in many ways so different....and yet so alike.
Would you all rather I quit posting here? I would understand if you do. If I am interrupting the flow of such a great discussion just say so. By all means keep it going.
Pat, you have really made major strides in your personal understanding of you and what you really want and need for yourself. It isn't alway's easy but it sure is the way to set yourself free. God , I am so proud of you as a person. Every human being is so special. There is no one else in this world just like you and it takes all the different qualitites of each person to make this life bloom and grow. The world would not do half as well if each of us had not been here. So many lives do we touch and never even know just what a difference we have made. Such is the glory of life. God Bless.
Pam
How Did I Miss This Thread Before???
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