I don't think I can hang in there anymore. I'm at an all time low. My husband called me worthless and I feel worthless. And I know I should not, it does not change the fact that I do. It f'ing hurts so bad to know I am no longer loved by my husband. What the heck did I do that was so bad to make him not love me. I did nothing that could him just not love me anymore. He promised me this would never happen. It happened anyway. I can't stand the thoughts going through my head. They never go away. They are constant and lingering no matter what I am doing. I have no peace.

He just came in here and is angry with me because I am so upset. Like all this is my fault. He says I am upsetting the kids. Well, damn, he should never have broke up this family like he is doing. I have to raise three kids and he gets off with an easy life. I don't know how the **** I am going to raise these kids. I don't know how I am going to do it financially. I just don't know anything. I want the best for them and I know that when we leave here they are not going to be able to live like we were. It's just not f'ing fair. He screwed the kids. They never deserved this. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself but he let them down. Warped their view of how marriage should be. I feel so bad for my kids. It hurts to the core of my heart. I never wanted them to suffer. And look what I did, I married someone who is making them suffering and they are the innocents in this. I've let them down. I just love my kids so much I never wanted this for them. I have let them down.

I know all off you have been so supportive and helpful. It's just that it's easy to read and know what I need to do but hard to change the thoughts in my head. I just don't know about anything anymore.

Everything I try to type comes out wrong, but I have good intentions (I just lack the knack for writing!). I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to help you work through your grief but I don't. I know that you said you were seeing a psychiatrist which is good, but maybe you can find a local support group in your area also.

It appears that there are a lot of people on this board that know you well, and I'm getting the impression that you are a very strong person so I think you can hang in there for a while longer. It will take time, but it will get easier.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Tammy, you poor dear. Please don't beat yourself up: you had no way of knowing he could do this to the family, and it's possible he didn't either. Try to remember that this happens to so many women, including the beautiful and famous. And they are just as devastated as we are.

You did nothing wrong. Please repeat that as many times as necessary to help it sink in. Yes, it takes two for a marriage to fail. But it also takes two to make it work, and it sounds like he is too lazy, selfish, cowardly and/or disrespectful to do his part. And by being mean to you, he is trying to get rid of his guilt. (If you are the one at fault, then he can destroy you and your family with a clear conscience.) Don't fall for it. Whether you are the perfect wife and mother is not the issue. He is your husband and owes you more than a quick "don't love you - bye!". You have said there is another woman involved. How very original of him. The only reason she may seem better to him right now is the excitement and novelty of a new relationship. And trust me, that will wear off. Not that that will make things better for you right now.

Tammy, would it be possible for you to ask him to move out, at least for the time being? Having him in the house is not good for you at all. When it isn't making you feel totally awful about yourself, it will keep hope of a reconciliation alive. If you have him move out, I think you can get a temporary support order for you and the kids to live on. He is being a total jerk, manipulating you when you are at your lowest.

It might even be a nice revenge to go home to your family or to a friend and let him manage the kids and the household. And not for just a day or two. Of course I don't know if that could cause custody problems for you down the line, but it would certainly cramp his style.

If you have access to bank accounts, you might want to get as much cash as you can before he empties the accounts. It might never happen, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure... Even if you're sure he would never grab what money the two of you have, his behaviour is clearly not something you can still predict.

I'm glad you've seen another doctor. This one sounds reasonable. Unlike some of the other posters, I'm not so concerned about your lack of appetite. You've suffered an enormous shock, and are probably suffering from post-traumatic stress. It sounds like you're trying to eat, and getting fluids is the most important thing. One small warning: as you shrink, you run the risk of toying with an eating disorder. When everything else seems to be happening TO you, it is tempting to feel that at least you have control over food. So don't stop trying to eat! Meanwhile, the weight loss may be the one positive thing happening to you right now. Just don't be seduced by the illusion of control not eating seems to give you.

Please try to keep your head above water. Try to sleep. Do nothing to harm yourself, your children need you and you deserve to be safe and healthy. And come here to talk to us as often as you need to. You can tell from the number of posts that there is an enormous amount of support here for you. I wish I had known about this site while I was living through the same awful experience. (I don't have kids though, and I did find a good therapist who I believe saved my life.)

You are not alone. If you'd like to PM me, please don't hesitate.

Tammy, you are not worthless. You've done nothing to deserve what your husband is putting you through. Kick him out or get out yourself, right now. It is only prolonging everything by the 2 of you trying to exist in the same house. This is the time when you need to lean on friends and family. Also there are lots of support groups out there who will help you. You live in a fairly large city, you can't tell me that there aren't social agencies who will assist you. Also you need to get yourself a lawyer. How will you raise these kids? Child support and alimony. He will pay it through the nose. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting angry at the person who has done this to your family. Kick him out and get on with your life. Or if he won't leave then pack up the kids and leave him. Yes this is all very scary, I completely understand that but nothing is going to change without some kind of action. At this point you are letting him call all the shots. Well it is about time that you did some positive action. That is the only way you are going to get some self confidence and self esteem back.

Hmmm, easier said than done Jen. The bottom line is, Seth's remaining in the house was a mutual decision based on the greater need of the family rather than any one individual. So I feel that, even if I don't agree with it, I still need to support Tammy in her decision, and be here for her regardless of my personal opinions on the situation. I'm sure she's well aware of what this is doing to her; after all, she's the one living it. So, my point is, she's doing what she feels is best at the moment, so let's support our friend during this difficult time without judgment, 'cause lord knows, that's the last thing she needs right now. No offense Jen, just a different opinion. :)

Beverly

I've been told by everyone that he needs to go. Facts are I don't have the income to support myself and my children at the moment. This is all very fresh. I feel I am trying to do the best I can with a bad situation. I'm sorry if anyone feels like I am coming of as whining. This is all very new. It's not been three weeks yet.

I think right now the worst thing is the lying he has done. I found out today that he has been telling her he loves her even before he told me he did not love me anymore. All I want is honesty so I have the answers and so that I can move on.

Maybe it's just best I don't post about it anymore.

You should post about whatever u want. That is your right. We are hear to listen and support u. You'll be in my prayers.

Tammy I think it's Best if you DO post about it. We are the one sounding board that is here for you day or night.

We care about you and just have your best interest at heart. We hate to see you suffering. I'm sorry if any of the opinions poted have made you feel like you shouldn't post. It seems like everyone was just trying to help. I know no one meant to be judgemental, just trying to help.

No one feels like you are whining. Truth is, you are going through **** and we are here for you. If this site was all about being warm and fuzzy, I would have left a long time ago!

Isn't he still in the military? If so you need to get to your resource person. If he gets BAQ and separate rats. (not sure what it is called in the navy) you will immediately start receiving that money and not him. Do you also have a military wives' support group. Also talk to JAG about your options.

Also meet with your social services people. They do have resources out there to help women (and men) get out of these situations. I know that it does seem hopeless without you currently having a job outside the home but it can be done.

I know you said that it probably would be best for u2 to live under the same roof for the sake of the kids but your recent posts show that it is hurting the kids probably more by both of you being in the same house together.

What he is doing to you is a form of abuse. Even if he's not hitting you, he is abusing you and you can get help through the abuse hotline. They can probably even help you and the kids get out and set you up in a shelter. 1-800-799-SAFE

We are here to support you no matter what Tammy.

Tammy, I don't know what state you live in, or what the laws are there, but you should look into a few things. If you separate, you may be able to get him to pay child support even though you are not divorced yet. I found out after the fact, that I should have pursued that avenue when I was separated and prior to divorcing.

Also, there may be a low cost and / or no cost legal place that you can get help with. Check around. Call your local health clinics for referrals. Call a lawyer and see what they say. Some may not need money up front. DON'T GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS TO FAIRNESS!!! You have three kids, which means child support for all three of them. Also, depending on how long you have been married, you should be able to get alimoney, especially cause you don't work and have stayed home with the kids. Find a GOOD lawyer. Not necessarily a "shark" but one that will fight with you and for you.

When I left my husband (very long story and I won't get into it), I had a place to go. I went to live with my sister. I only had one child who was 7 1/2 at the time. My then husband and I had a business together, a house that we had bought with both of our money (plus $10,000 that I got out of a 401K type plan that went defunct - all that money went towards us buying and building that house). When I left, I left him everything. The house, the business, everything in it except some of my clothes and some of my son's toys and clothes. I just wanted OUT of the situation. It was easier to walk away and start over. I had been a stay at home mom for years at this point (7 1/2 to be exact). We ran the magazine business out of our house. I homeschooled, worked the magazine business almost full-time, and took care of the house, cooking, cleaning etc. I walked away with almost nothing and started over.

Am I sorry? No. But, I would have done things a bit different. I would have forced the sale of the house and split the proceeds, as it was worth a good bit and we had lots of equity in it (almost 10 years). I did have him split the debt with me and it took several years to pay it off. I also got, get this, $2500 from him for "my portion" of what was put into the house when I was working. But, it doesn't matter. I made him refinance (my lawyer put a clause in the papers that he had 60 days to refinance or we would sell). Also, we had IRS debt, due to his ineptness in running the business (he was made to pay that too, over time, or the business would rever to me). Overall, he made out good. The house has been appraised at almost three times what we paid for it. The hurricanes messed it up pretty bad last year, and he got over $100,000 for fixing the house and replacing the contents, most of which I helped him buy with my money too.

Oh, don't make the mistake of letting him pay you directly for child support either. GO THROUGH THE COURTS to protect yourself. My ex is running 13 weeks behind on average (about $1500+ dollars) but he still does have to pay. He pays when he feels like it, knows that if he pays at least once during the 30 day period the enforcement people will leave him alone, so he is very unreliable. He claimed at the beginning he would always make sure he paid ontime, and didn't want to go through the courts. I have the option now of taking him back to court for contempt but it would cost a good bit and I don't know if I'm up to that right now. I am trying to give him a chance to catch up, but we will see. At least I do have that option. If I let him just pay me, then there is no proof he paid or didn't pay and no way to force it.

Hang in there Tammy. You are a worthy person, worthy of honesty and a good life. Don't blame yourself for the mistakes HE is making, ok? It's HIS loss. Your kids will be ok. It will be hard on them, but kids are very resiliant. How old are they? Try to find a local church, or women's center and use the resources that are available to you. You need help and support in a time like this. I don't think you are whining. Believe me, I understand your situation. In my case, I was the one who left (a bad situation), but I still understand where you are coming from. We had gone to counseling 6 years before I finally left, and also the year before and up to when I left. I really tried to work it out, for my son's sake. I had one counselor tell me (after knowing everything that was going on) that I should stay anyway, until my son turned 18. He was 7 then. Not good advice. I would have been dead by then, in one form or another, more emotionally, then anything, I guess. I needed to put my son first, and then think about me. What kind of life did he have, would he have, if I stayed. We were fighting, my ex was throwing things at me (a huge, metal flashlight was the last thing he threw and missed, thankfully. There is still a big dent in the metal door of the house where it hit the door instead of me). It was a very unhealthy environment. Sometimes, staying isn't the best thing, especially if the father can't be the father and husband he is suppoed to be or needs to be. You need to move on, one way or the other.

GET A LAWYER AND GET SOME HELP ON YOUR SIDE, OK?

Good luck Tammy. I will be thinking about you.

Oh, by the way, I ended up meeting and marrying the most wonderful man in the world. He's a fantastic step-dad for my son. He loves me very, very much and I wish he could have been my first husband (and last). But, things happen for a reason. We just don't always know what it is at first. Hang in there, take care of YOU, and things will work out.

Kathy B.
Merritt Island, FL

Tammy, I don't think you are whining and I know it is so easy for me to say do this or do that and much harder for you to do. Please keep posting, I didn't mean to make you feel even worse.

Tammy, please don't even consider not posting about this any more. We will all try to make constructive suggestions, but none of it is intended to make you feel bad or inadequate. Right now you are in a state of shock, with no self-esteem left. We all want you to recover some of your feelings of self-worth, but maybe you just aren't strong enough at the moment. The advice about legal help is very, very important. Not just for you, but for the kids too. And his bimbo will not be on your side in this. If she had any morals at all she would not have been messing with a married man with kids. If you want to turn your pain into anger, just think of the fact that he is very unlikely to have told her he loved her and told you he didn't love you unless they have already been intimate. Which makes him an adulterer, and in some states that means he'll pay very heavily for his few minutes of pleasure in divorce court. If there is no legal aid available, most university law schools (if you have one where you live) have free legal aid clinics staffed by smart and eager law students who would just love to help you with advice.

Don't worry that you're whining. This only just happened, and it will take a long time to feel better. Give yourself that time, and cut yourself some slack about the setbacks. Many of us have lived thru something similar, and we are aching for you and hoping our words will help.

Just keep on keeping on. :grouphug:

Please don't stop posting.

And please take everything said here (like every other thread here!) w/a grain of salt. I'm sure no one here means you ill will, if they did, we would kick the :censored: out of them. ;)

You have to do what you feel is best. We can throw suggestions out there, but ultimately, it is up to you. That's what we are here for is to be your sounding board.

:grouphug:

Hey, lady, you're not whining! You're scared, confused, lost, upset, and it helps to share how you're feeling. We're a rather opinionated bunch, but, as with any advice, take what you need and leave the rest. There are lots of suggestions to try, and if they work for you, that's wonderful. But please keep posting and let us support you because that's what we want to do. Okay?

Thinking of you ~ praying for you.