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Old 01-01-2009, 10:52 PM   #1
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Default Is my bf trying to tell me something? (weight related)

I can't help but notice lately, I don't know if its just me, being over self-conscious, and hating my body so much, or if my boyfriend is trying to tell me in a round-about way to lose weight...

A few nights ago we were watching tv when a bally-total-fitness commercial came on, and there was a guy in a carrot suit hugging an overweight girl. He made a comment about "thats me! I'm the carrot!" - and I was like "hugging another girl?" (I meant it jokingly), and he said "no! you!"...... did he basically call me fat?

Then tonight he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and I was like "ya sure", then he started talking about climbing the hill behind my house, and going jogging.... Now obviously I don't hike or jog, at least not YET. I'm too fat and out of shape. But what was I supposed to say? I made some silly remark about not having a jogging bra, so I couldn't. But seriously. That was kind of embarrassing...

He's been making remarks about eating salads for meals...

Yesterday I said something about never having any money & he said "no more fast food!" - I know he probably meant it because of the money issue, but I think there may have been a little bit because I eat out at least a few times a week, if not a little more...

I've been feeling really ashamed lately. I don't know why.
I also feel in the last couple days he's been really reserved and quite. I don't understand if its just a guy thing or if I should be worried or what.

My weight never seemed to bother him before. He's never made any comments like those before. We've been best friends for a year and a half & he's always made comments about being in love with me, and marrying me, etc... We've been dating now for 5 months.

Now I know there have been times in the past months that he has been quiet & reserved, and I stressed myself out many a time with thinking he was going to leave me, and after a few days eventually he comes around and everything is fine again, and he's back to his usual self.

I also noticed that he hasn't made any comments about my appearence lately.. Once in a while he'd say "you look really nice" or "you smell good" or something like that. But not for a while.

We went out for new years eve last night, and I spent over an hour getting ready. No comment.

What do you guys think?

Its really embarrassing for me to tell him I'm "on a diet" and stuff. So I've been really trying to hide it. But even though I've only lost 2 pounds, and I can't do more than 10-15 minutes of cardio dance without cramping up and damn near falling over. At least I'm trying! I'm really given it a go, and I'm proud of my 2 pound loss, and my small NSV's... I know it will be a while, weeks, maybe even a month or two before I will lose enough & shape up enough that he will be able to really see the difference, then he'll probably know I'm on a diet. I honestly can't wait for that. But in the mean time I'm afraid he maybe thinking I'm just a fat slob... Should I just talk to him? Or leave it be for a few weeks & do well & hope he notices the weight loss?

Last edited by lalique; 01-01-2009 at 11:04 PM.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:06 PM   #2
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Wow ~Sometimes BF or hubbys Can say the wrong things that make us depressed ect. I think he is definitely In that Frame of speaking right now.
I think they mean well ~But think if they continue to pick at us we will be more motivated or something~WRONG~It hurts.
I Would just tell him it is hurting your feelings and his support is needed but just to the point of to aknowledge the fact that you are gonna give weight loss a try. My hubby Was unsupportive when I was younger and this HURt so bad. Now he is supportive in a less manner which works great.
I am glad you are on 3FC ~By the way when I first started walking 10 minutes a day about killed me it felt like~it gets better with time.ALL WE DO IS A GREAT EFFORT AND MORE THAN WE USE TO.
GOOD LUCK !
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Last edited by Lori259; 01-01-2009 at 11:07 PM.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:10 PM   #3
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Men tend not to be subtle, so I rather doubt he has a hidden agenda.

I don't think the carrot commercial incident was meant as an insult, but rather as a joke - the kind of joke that men don't realize many women don't like. I've dated some nice guys, but have never met a guy who was willing to play "let's pretend I'm not actually fat" with me. If you see them with their other male friends, they don't pretend the fat guys aren't fat, the skinny guys aren't skinny, the short guys aren't short, the bald guys aren't bald........ and sometimes they even joke about it (to most women that would be very uncool).

One thing I'd ask (I don't need an actual answer) is whether you're obsessing about your weight or complaining about your body in his presence. Do you let your body hating prevent you from doing things with him, that he'd like to do with you (and I'm not just talking sex stuff, but going places and doing things....)? If so, this may be more what he's responding to than your weight itself. I've been told many times by guys I was dating that it's a major turn off to date a woman (of any size) who hates her body. One guy (not a guy I was dating, just a friend) who said that "if a woman tells you often enough, whether directly or in subtle ways "you've got to be crazy to love me," then you start to wonder if maybe she's right and you are crazy to love her."

Your bf may be responding to what you are saying directly or indirectly about yourself. If he knows that you want to lose weight, and would be happier (or he thinks you'd be happier) with weight loss, maybe the request to exercise together was a gesture of helping you do what YOU want to do (or he thinks you want to do) rather than an expression of what he wants.

Maybe none of this applies to your situation, so take it for what it's worth.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:23 PM   #4
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You said that you have been feeling really ashamed lately...so, maybe you are reading something into what he is saying? Just a thought..I know I tend to do that.

Also, you said that you don't want him to know that you are trying to hide when you are on a diet ... maybe if he knew you were working at it he would be supportive and less likely to make those hurtful comments?

Talk to him - he will probably surprise you! Good luck!
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:33 PM   #5
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Most men become hugely supportive when they find out you're trying to get healthier. Don't keep it a secret...tell him!
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:43 PM   #6
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Keep on working on the weight and love yourself.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:53 PM   #7
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He probably wants to get into shape as well, hence asking U to walk with him.
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:01 AM   #8
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I have to agree with everything that kaplods said.

I also think that it's very much a girl thing to interpret our guy's moods as being all about us all the time. If he's quiet, it must be about us. If he's edgy, it must be about us. If he's angry, it must be about us. Etc. And you know ... most guys, most times, it's not.

And I've generally found that if it IS about us, then a guy normally doesn't have a hard time saying so.

I also think that if you ask him directly if your weight bothers him, you need to be willing to accept whatever answer you get and not take it personally - and that might be hard. Because my experience in 40 years of life, and 12 years of marriage, and several relationships in between ... has been that if you ask a guy an question about your weight and you tell him to be honest ... he will be. But you also have to realize that for *most* guys he can say "yes, I do think you are overweight and yes I realize you are trying to diet" but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you.

Finally, I don't think you should try to hide from him that you're on a diet. You said you can't wait for the time that he notices ... but given what you've said, he's ALREADY noticed. That's why the comments about salads. That's why the comments about jogging and hiking. Etc. And because he's not responding the way you think he should ... you're misinterpreting what he's saying as criticism or negativity.

Men and women communicate differently. That's not a sexist statement or an excuse. It's just a fact. It is. We all communicate differently.

I think what you should do is, at some point, casually (and not in a "we need to talk" kind of way) say something like "Hey ... one of the things I'm really going to work on this year is getting in shape and losing some weight, but I'm a little nervous about it and not really sure that I want to talk about it much yet." Start the conversation that way and give him the benefit of the doubt, whatever he says.

Remember ... guys are different. And ... they can't always help it.

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Old 01-02-2009, 12:26 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhotoChick View Post
I have to agree with everything that kaplods said.

I also think that it's very much a girl thing to interpret our guy's moods as being all about us all the time. If he's quiet, it must be about us. If he's edgy, it must be about us. If he's angry, it must be about us. Etc. And you know ... most guys, most times, it's not.

.
This reminds me that I always thought I wanted a "sensitive" man who could read changes in my emotions - and boy did I learn you've got to be careful what you wish for.

See my husband and I BOTH do this (interpreting mood changes in the other as being about something we did or said). Sometimes we spend the entire day asking each other "what's the matter" because we're interpreting every change in emotion as a problem that needs to be solved (and usually one that we are somehow causing the other person).
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:38 AM   #10
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Quote:
Sometimes we spend the entire day asking each other "what's the matter" because we're interpreting every change in emotion as a problem that needs to be solved (and usually one that we are somehow causing the other person).

Boy thats the truth. We have those days.

Quote:
He probably wants to get into shape as well, hence asking U to walk with him.
Not likely... He weighs 127 pounds (at 5'10"), and is *very* in shape & active. Even though he smokes he can run like the wind for miles... Its amazing. Kind of unfair too lol




Thank you everyone! I feel a little better now, and I'll try to talk to him about it.

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Old 01-02-2009, 12:57 AM   #11
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Poor men, they can never do anything right.

Look on the messages on this board and you will find other members who are complaining about men that don't want to go for a walk and don't want to take up jogging, who are buying food that aren't salads, and who are trying to talk them into staying fat.

What I'm saying is that men can't read minds.

He cares about you and you need a support system. So tell him what your goals are and tell him what you need from him. I think you'll both be happier for it.
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Old 01-02-2009, 01:06 AM   #12
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my boyfriend does this too...I know he doesn't mean anything snide about it though. He's just very blunt. We were watching this show about gastric bypass and I made some comment about how I wish I didn't have such fat arms...and he goes "are you kidding? your arms are fine. Most of your fat is in your stomach and sides" ...and then he proceeded to pinch it. haha...I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings---and it didn't. I realize that is where I hold most of my fat. He's just stating the obvious. lol
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Old 01-02-2009, 03:00 AM   #13
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Oh men are just silly most of the time. He does not get it. He's probably not trying to be rude or subtle because let's face it... most men have no idea how to be subtle.

He might realize that you are trying to get healthier and in his way is telling you that he supports you and what you are doing. He probably thinks you know that HE knows you are moving to that direction.

Stay strong. And if it bugs you that much? Talk to him!
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Old 01-02-2009, 04:49 AM   #14
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Ok here goes....

I dated a Korean man for almost 4 years and we are back together as of the past 3 months. He does not speak english as his first language but he is pretty fluent and I only speak very limited Korean. (That being said....to set up what happened between us.)

One night we were chatting about 2.5 years ago and I was kind of pushing him to see where he was with our relationship. Anyway....he came out with the fat that he was not as attracted to me because of my size. He was afraid I would die young because of the pressure on my heart and he was just trying to say he wanted me to lose weight because he was afraid for my health but....he was not a native speaker and used phrases etc that were very easy to misinterpet which I did. I was in tears. He hurt me to the bone. He was so upset because I had gotten it all wrong and he had no clue how to take it back and say it the right way.

When we broke up last year (2007) in Nov. I had just reached a peaceful place with my size and I realized that he loved me no matter what. (This happened to me 3 weeks before breaking up.) I got on a plan and was rocking with the weight loss....then all heck broke lose and we broke up becasue of cultural differences not because he was not attracted to me. I lost it big time.....BIG TIME. I did not handle it well and went into a dark doward spiral. Really DARK.... anyway....

I have come through it and made some other male friends along the way who say a lot of the same thing....

Men just don't think that deep. They say it as it is and move on. If they have a problem they will let you know pretty directly. That was a lot of the problem with my BF I read into things too much and we had that cultural difference as well.

But know this most men will tell you they love a confident woman. Hold your head up high and be all about you. You are losing weight. You are trying to get healthy...etc etc.

I think he will repsond to an open conversation....and you never know you might just get a great workout partner out of it.
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Old 01-02-2009, 05:02 AM   #15
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Men can be kind of clueless on how to approach this. After I had my first DD my hubby said you look sexy chubby. I was like...um thanks. Lol. He also sometimes will randomly say something about eating healthy or exercising. Sometimes he includes both of us in his statements but he is 6'1" and weighs 215 so obviously he doesn't have near as much weight to lose as I do.

I try to take it in stride. After being together for 8 years and married for 5 he doesn't say much anymore that gets to me. I have come to the point where I know I am fat and I don't want him to pretend I am skinny. I don't want him to be insensitive about it either. Women are sensitive about their weight, I know I am and I like positive and encouraging comments and so I tell him that.

I think being straight forward with your BF and telling him you want to lose weight would be a great idea. Then it is out in the open and I am sure he will be very supportive and encouraging!
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