I'm at a point where I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it is not a train. Maintenance will be my biggest challenge. And it seems that my friends already have their sabotage planned.
I go out to dinner about once a week with some friends. I haven't had a hard time staying on plan since my planned dinner consists of 5-7 oz. of lean protien and 3 servings of veggies. I can find or modify most restraunt menues to accomodate that request. I don't have cocktails, appetizers deserts, or bread. For the most part my friends have been supportive and encouraging about my weight loss. BUT...they keep making comments about how they can't wait til I am off my diet so I can get back to eating normal food!
I can never go back to eating the way that I used to...for one thing my body won't tolerate it. I tried to eat some fried food on vacation...I was miserable for 2 days! AND....and this is the biggie! If I go back to eating in my old ways...Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same things that you have always done and expecting different results?
Please don't tell me I need new friends. They have been there for me for 13 years...and that is not easy to find...They mean well and love me...How do I make them understand that I am still me...Just have different rules to live by that will not be what they are used to. One of my friends is a wonderful cook who can't wait to cook all the meals that I used to love when she prepared them. Most of those meals I will not eat unless it is my one splurge for the week once I enter maintenance.
I know we have some re-gainers among us...Did this happen to you? What is your plan to deal with it differently this time.
BUT...they keep making comments about how they can't wait til I am off my diet so I can get back to eating normal food!
I totally understand that you just can't get new friends. I did lose some friends (mostly people who just didn't know what to make of me- they were also "situational" friends and not close ones), but that wasn't an abrupt thing. I just kind of woke up one morning and realized an evolution happened in there somewhere.
But my dearest friends are still with me and always will be
Here's the deal. It's up to you to live by your own example and after a while they will get it.
My best friends know that I will pour over a menu, trying to calculate calories. They know I will be online before we leave for a restaurant so that I can map out what I'm going to have. They know that when they come into town to visit me they may as well bring their tennis shoes
At first, they did wait for me to get "back to normal". But they loved me enough to realize that this new "normal" was the way it was.
I'm wondering if having a heart to heart with them would be helpful. Find a time to say it when you're not sitting down to eat. If you said, "Sally, you know I've had challenges with food. I've found a way to get healthier and improve my life. I do not plan on going back to the way I used to be, so I can't go back to the way I used to eat. You've been so helpful and supportive, I hope I can count on your understanding and support to continue." I know if a friend gently corrected me like that, praised me for being supportive and asked for continued support, I'd be very receptive to it.
A lot of people don't see "this" as a lifelong thing...they think you can lose weight and then go back to fast food 5 times a week, eating a whole pizza at a setting, having an intimate relationship with Ben AND Jerry (those are all me!). I am sure your friends will get tired of saying stuff like that when they realize this is how you will be eating for the rest of your life which will be longer and healthier due to your changes.
Congrats on your weight loss and committment to yourself!!
I'm not sure that people that aren't or have never been on a diet understand that it is a life change! Not just "'til I lose the weight" change. I have run into that with my family. Hub wants to take me for ice cream, and I would love to go just to please him, but I don't or I negotiate something else.
Since they have been your friends for so long, I think I would have a discussion with them. They love you, they should understand.
I've even voiced to my family how I think going out to eat is pointless for me because I can't eat anything or the temptation on some days is to great.
BUT...they keep making comments about how they can't wait til I am off my diet so I can get back to eating normal food!
The next time the topic comes up, just tell them straight out that this IS your normal food and it's never going to change back to your former unhealthy habits.
They will probably be shocked and try to talk you out of it, but just stand firm. Let them know that you don't care what they eat, but for you THIS is how your life is and how you plan to keep it and you're HAPPY here. So please be happy for you and not try to force you to change your mind.
And if they REALLy press, throw it back at them - ask them why it's so important that THEY have a say in what YOU eat? Ask them what problems it's causing that YOU eat what you want? They probably won't be able to answer that.
I'm not saying you have to be mean or harsh about it ... but gently and firmly point out that this is YOUR life and you make the decisions.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 12-07-2008 at 12:44 PM.
If I go back to eating in my old ways...Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same things that you have always done and expecting different results?
The Hives are great...
i agree with PhotoChick... explain to them and they should understand. Might want to ask what normal is... "Normal food" doesn't exist. Only unhealthy and healthy food do. I'm sure adding the fact that their definition of "normal" food make you sick... they might back off.
You have gotten good replies and good responses. I still get "flack" from some family members and friends but most of the time now they just realize that I choose healthier choices. Without being snotty, you could say, something like...well, the old me would have eaten X,Y,Z at this restaurant and that is approximately XXXX calories which is as much as a eat in an entire day. They probably won't know what to say but will think about it later and contemplate their choices....
I also often tell people that I don't eat this or don't eat that (I don't say "can't") because those are the choices that got me overweight in the first place.
Good luck!
Most of my local friends and family are getting used to the "new" me though we still have some "old" thinking. I am kind of dreading seeing my relatives at Christmas though. Without seeing me they have already made comments about how I am too thin (which I am not!). How would they know without seeing me? They keep asking if I am "still on that diet" and I answer "no, but I am maintaining my weight loss with healthy food and exercise and I will be doing that for the rest of my life".
Great words of wisdom already - I'll throw this out there.
It might be worth it to think about why they want you to change. Do you talk a lot about your weight loss and eating habits? Do you ever judge what they are eating (you might unconsciously communicate disaproval with body language). Does it take you an obnoxiously long time to order? etc.
I'm not saying you do any of these but it might be worth thinking through. You can't change other people and if you find a behavior that you can tweak that would stop the comments then you have total control over that and that could solve your problem. You very well may not be doing anything you would want to do different - but its worth thinking about.
Thanks for all the good advice. I guess I am going to have to be firm. I kind of told them last night that I will never be eating the same as I was...They kind of agreed...but then added...but you will be able to start having appitizer...or a couple of drinks right?
I think that the main problem is that they feel guilty eating all "those" foods or drinking in front of me. They won't believe that it doesn't even bother me most of the time. I think they feel like I am being excluded...Even though that is my choice. It makes them uncomfortable.
I wish I knew how to make them feel more comfortable.
Personally, I'd probably laugh it off and not get all serious about it -- I'd say, "Well considering that 'normal' food is what made me fat in the first place, I don't think it's a good idea to start eating like that again." And then don't say anything more about it -- if you just keep on keeping on with what you're doing and how you're eating and don't go back the way the expect you to, I'm sure they'll eventually 'get' that this new way of eating it the way you plan to eat for life. And it'll stop seeming so strange to them.
ETA: And so long as they can eat however they want to and you don't get all preachy to them about how they should be eating, etc. I don't see why how YOU eat you influence how much fun they can have anyway.
It's tough, but you have to be firm with them. You could ask them why it is so important that you eat appetizers and have drinks. That might make them stop and think a bit about that, and what they are asking you to do.
You must be firm about what is right for you. Treats and indulgences are okay, but when they become daily (or multidaily!) is when you start to regain.
I totally agree with KLK. Really, in the scheme of things, what do your food choices have to do with your friendships? My friends have been my friends when I've been slim, fat, and at all points in between. Never once has my diet ever figured into it.
If your friends want to eat food that isn't on your plan, that's fine. You don't have to. And as long as you aren't playing the hard-done-by martyr, I don't understand why it should be an issue.
Maybe the one who's a cracking cook would relish the challenge of coming up with tasty food that is on your plan?
I think if you just stick to it, they'll get it. Maybe assure them that you don't care what they eat, you care what you eat.
I have a very skinny friend. She never orders a drink but water, no appetizer and a small fraction of her dinner and never dessert. She simply isn't a big eater. When you go shopping with her, she never even thinks about eating. But no one hassles her, because that's the way she is. You just need to stick to it long enough to become "the way you are". They'll get it. No new friends required!!
Maintenance Sabotage Planned
Really, in the scheme of things, what do your food choices have to do with your friendships? My friends have been my friends when I've been slim, fat, and at all points in between. Never once has my diet ever figured into it.
