Well I haven't said anything to him, and he hasn't said anything either, so honestly I don't know. I know he was receptive when we talked, but it hasn't come up. I told him yesterday that, since he was home all weekend and eating healthy, to weight himself this morning and tell me what he weighed, but I haven't asked yet. Knowing him, he probably forgot.
This is a tough situation, but I have to say you should give him a chance. Just because other people may have had a bad situation with their ex or current partner doesn't mean that's what's going on in this situation, but I think you and your family and friends would know better.
I will say, however, that I relate to him some. I have always been overweight, but when I got up to over 300lbs, my fiance frankly told me that I should really lose weight, that I was losing my facial features and he missed the old me. As much as it was painful to hear it, he was right. I needed to stop pretending like there wasn't a problem and face it. It was REALLY hard for me, and we got into a lot of arguments where I would just lose it and be so frustrated about everything, about how I was even at this place to start with.
Reading these responses, I'm thinking to myself, "What if John decided to leave me based on that?" I am so thankful that he is giving me the chance to get healthy, and while he sometimes nags me if I go for awhile without exercising or if I'm tending to eat unhealthy food which I don't necessarily like, it does keep me accountable. He's pretty good, but I think he should give me a little more faith, because so far even though I have slipped off the wagon for a month or two, I haven't gained back any weight, and even managed to slowly lose some, which in my eyes is still progress.
So I say, keep working on it. I wouldn't make him feel like you're going to leave him if he can't get his act together... if John hinted at that it would have been devastating to me, because I really counted on him being there for me and supporting me despite any sugar withdrawals or frustrations I had, or what I weighed. Just knowing that he loves me no matter what has been a huge strength for me, but even though he still loved me when I was over 300lbs, I know that he will find me even sexier with 100lbs gone (or more!), and I want to please him... but it did take me awhile before I really became ready to do this.
I just want to say that you cannot lose weight for someone else. Your motivation has to be your own. If someone chooses to leave you for your weight, that's their problem, not yours. I am fortunate enough to be with someone who loved me when I was morbidly obese and who still loves me. I am also fortunate enough that I am supported in my diet.
I had an unsupportive partner at one point and nothing is harder. It's hard to resist the junk when you are forced to go pick it up or just be around it.
Ultimately, it is your decision. When you make up your mind that you are doing this for you, no one can derail you. It's hard but I've been in places where the bad food is all around me and now I am able to step back and make good choices and prepare when I can and then rage later when I can't. It's really up to you. It's not like quitting smoking where you never have to see those cigs again, you have to continue to eat so it takes incredible strength but you can do it!
Okay I think that my words have gotten lost somewhere in here.... nowhere did I say I was not giving him a chance. Secondly, in our home James is nowhere around junk food, cause I won't allow it hahaha. (I do all the shopping). Third, I actually feel that getting off junk food really is a whole lot like quitting smoking. :intro here - hi, I am an ex smoker, having quit on January 4th, 2007, so I am as of today 1 year and two weeks smoke free : And saying no to junk food or unhealthy choices is a whole lot like saying no to a smoke. I enjoyed smoking, I also enjoyed eating junk. I found it so tough to quit smokiing, and equally tough to stop eating junk. quitting smoking, even though you don't see them, is still hard; I know, I've done it in the recent past And darn proud of it too hahaha. And lastly I really appreciate all your comments; I knew I'd get a whole slew of them by posting, and that's exactly why I posted. It's not like I am saying I don't love him, or that if he doesn't change right this second that I will leave him. I guess, like with most other things, if you knew both parties involved you'd probably have a different outlook. James has a very relaxed, "I don't care" demeanor about him, he always has. Extremely laid back and easy going. But he also lacks the get up and go, for just about anything in his life, including things that mean a lot to him; he is a huge procrastinator and he knows it. And he is the precise type of person that needs things to be totally laid out for him, and have his hand held, and encouraged, before he does anything. There is nothing wrong with that, don't get me wrong. i have absolutely no problem being that for him, helping in any way he needs me. this is why I laid it all out for him like that, and why I'm now sitting back and giving him the room to make his choice, all the while trying to stay focused on my choice. I think the more weight I lose, the more motivated he's gonna get. Once he sees a big difference, and that this "diet" stuff really works LOL, he'll join me. But unfortunately, in his condition, I just hope his body will hold out and wait on him to catch up and make that choice. He already has problems, so believe me, I am in prayer that the Lord minds those while the clock ticks. Hope this helped clear up my end a bit more.
I can only tell you that sadly, I have not led by example. My mother and brother are both obese, my brother being dangerously morbidly obese. While they were inspired for a while, they have not followed through. Which is not to say, I stop trying or that I stop hoping. You just kinda have to keep saying it without nagging, but also maybe accept he may not do it till he's ready for his own reasons.
txangel, I was in no way saying that you were, I was just trying to enforce your decision to encourage him and stick by him. Like I said, you know him better than the people on this board, I think if there really is a problem with your relationship it will become evident in more than just one way. Sometimes I've said things about my fiance that people on this board have questioned, but they don't know him or us. Any situation can sound "bad" but not really be as bad as someone else thinks it is, because well, nobody is perfect, and to an extent we have to look beyond our partners shortcomings and love them anyway because we know they should be doing the same for us! But if it just about his weight -- you can't change him, he will have to do that himself! It's hard to give things a timeline though... you can't say something like, "If you don't lose weight by X time then you don't love me." because it's not that easy (again, not saying that you are doing this, just reinforcing!). A genuine effort is genuine, even with some imperfections... it is HARD to change! You are doing great so far tx, just keep going!
txangel- Way to go for working so hard to make good choices. And, double way to go for loving your partner enough to have tough discussions. Things are only going to get tougher if he decides to continue on in his unhealthy lifestyle. But, if he chooses to do so, you can be confident in your decision, knowing that you've given him every opportunity to succeed and every tool available. Kudos! You're doing great!
I've been lucky enough to have a hubby who is supportive and participates in his own health care. My stepdad... not so much. He was diagnosed with hypertension and proceeded to do nothing. He would eat entire bags of tortilla chips in a day. He gained 15 pounds in a year. Finally, my mom sat him down and put it this way "If you are doing everything in your power to stay healthy, and you have a stroke or a heart attack, I will take care of you for the rest of your life. If I have to, I will quit my job and take care of you. But, if you continue to ignore your health and endanger yourself like this, and you have a stroke or a heart attack, I will stick you in the crappiest home I can find and never visit you." It may be tough love, but he got his BP checked for the first time in a year (190/100) and is finally on a low sodium diet and exercising.
Sounds like you did what you can, for now. You are going to have to see after some time has passed and maybe made it easy to forget everything you said. I hope for both of you that it really did sink in and that he has really truly come to realize the seriousness of his habits. Keep leading by example, that's the best thing you can do for him! That's what I have been doing!
Last edited by blueyedlvrgirl; 01-22-2008 at 07:45 PM.
Hi ladies! Well say to say that James has the creeping crud, so I am steering clear, armed with my Purell and Lysol! Poor baby. I got him some mini hershey's kisses, just a few!!, and told him "since I can't kiss you now, these should be sweet enough kisses to tie you over" LOL.
I told him Monday that since he stayed home all weekend (and thus ate only healthy food here at home) he should weigh himself out of curiosity. He said "I've always been 265 babe". and I said "well it won't hurt ya then." Well he forgot, until Tuesday morning... and he weighs 260.2!! I told him "wow babe, look at you! Now most of that was probably water, but that's still fine! See you can do this!" He was pretty happy too hahaha. Anyway, we'll see how he does. I thought that was great news.
: And saying no to junk food or unhealthy choices is a whole lot like saying no to a smoke. I enjoyed smoking, I also enjoyed eating junk. I found it so tough to quit smokiing, and equally tough to stop eating junk. quitting smoking, even though you don't see them, is still hard; I know, I've done it in the recent past 
I told him "wow babe, look at you! Now most of that was probably water, but that's still fine! See you can do this!" He was pretty happy too hahaha. Anyway, we'll see how he does. 