Just because someone is overweight and not doing anything about it doesn’t mean that they don’t care about their health at all and are unaware of what they are doing to themselves. I know this because that person was me and I was often in tears wondering how I could be doing this to myself and not be able to stop. What it does mean is that there is something else that is even more powerful for them keeping the weight on. Obviously his fat gives him something – perhaps his identity as a big guy, a protection to blame his insecurities on, whatever.
These types of things don’t change overnight. Think about the conversation you had with him. How would you have felt about someone saying those things to you when you weren’t in the mental head space to start losing weight? It probably would have been very difficult to hear. You can’t make him want to lose weight. He has to come to that decision for himself. I think by showing him an example over time but not comparing his actions to yours might give him the space to come around to a healthier lifestyle. From my experience of men, they don’t like to be told what to do, but rather to think they came to the idea on their own.
One suggestion I have it to ignore the eating for now and focus on fitness. Getting fit can go a long way to combating some of the health issues you mention even if he doesn’t end up losing all that much weight to start with. Perhaps you can start working out together, going for walks, or doing more active things on the weekends. As he starts to feel better and stronger then light might start to dawn on how much better he could feel if he also shed some pounds.
This is a really tough situation. In the end you have to make sure you take care of yourself, but don’t give up on him too quickly if you really love him. Weight issues go so deep and often they are so powerful that they can be very hard to change.
I learned a long time ago adults are going to be adults. Meaning they are going to run their lives the way they want to run it.
All you can do is have a heart to heart and then let them do what they are going to do, take care of yourself and hope for the best. I'm not saying you can't set a good example by taking care of your health and I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but you can't let another adults behavior dictate your life.
You gotta let people find their own way. If you don't think you can deal with it maybe you should move on, you have the right to find the person you can be comfortable with. However pick someone you like just the way they are because changing people who don't want to change is impossible.
Txang: I hope I wasn't too harsh in my earlier post....I got to thinking everyone deserves a chance to change. And when I saw that James is only 30...well, I felt like maybe he needs a few more chances. He has had some serious health complications for someone so young!
I'm really glad you had a chance to speak with him. It sounds like you stated your case well and that he was sensitive to your words. Have you considered discussing specific future goals with him? And not necessarily 'weight' goals, but health goals. I know you said you are concerned about his waist size. For example, maybe you could make goals together where his goal is to get his waist down to 40 inches or less and you could make your own goal for yourself? Maybe you could get gym passes and get a personal trainer. Sometimes it's really helpful to have a sort of 'role model' and to have someone who really understands fitness to help you reach your goals. From the detailed account of your conversation I think he knows you are not so much concerned with his weight, but rather his health - and that your love for him is not contingent with the number on the scale. That is probably what is most important in this. You are doing a great job of being supportive and not overbearing. Keep it up and ya never know, maybe he will come around. ~ Angela
My husband is not gung-ho about losing weight either. He's not to the extent that your man is, though, but he would occasionally do that "Fat B*astard" thing where he tweaks his nips and rubs his big belly... and it makes him look just AWFUL... Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hubby and normally I find him incredibly sexy... but the last time he did that I looked at him and I said, "That is not sexy--- at ALL. It's kinda gross- don't do that anymore"...
It kinda shocked him--- b/c as much as he makes jokes, men are like us--- they want to be found desirable. Maybe you should just get in his face when he says gross things like "my fat is hungry" and tell him straight out "You know, that's so gross? It really makes me kinda shudder when you say that."
Seriously... you're marrying a heart attack waiting to happen. Do you want your heart broken one day, or maybe you should lay it on the line and risk heartache NOW and tell him he better shape up b/c you're not marrying someone just to be a widow in 10 years...
I told my husband "we're getting older and just bigger and bigger. If we don't lose this weight now, we're going to be HORRIBLE parents when we have children b/c we'll be fat lazy slobs and won't be able to do all those fun things with our kids--- nor will we be able to teach them good food behaviors if we're still the same in a couple years."
So we're losing--- I'm losing much faster than him (which we all know shouldn't be the case, so obviously he's cheating when he's away from me) but he's still losing a pound or so a week, which is good. I just keep MAJORLY praising him and talking good and positive b/c it's too easy for him to give up. And it also gives ME motivation b/c I know if I quit, he will be right behind me. So as long as I'm doing good, I think he will keep it up for fear of falling behind.
Last edited by BrandNewJen; 01-18-2008 at 12:45 PM.
I really wonder how far someone is supposed to go with that. I personally wouldn't make anyone else's lunch, unless half the time they were making mine.
It's all about balance.
I make dinner every night.
I pack lunches every night.
Every morning when it's cold, my husband goes out and starts my car so it'll be warm when I get in it.
Every evening after dinner he takes out the trash so I don't have to, no matter how bad the weather is.
It balances. We don't keep score or track who makes lunches or dinner when. We just do.
You've gotten a lot of support and suggestions here. I hope he will take to heart what you said. I hope he realized that it truly came from your heart.
Perhaps he'll come around more when he starts seeing your success. I have to say, boobalah was so unsupportive of me and would get angry when he'd fix these fat and carb laden meals and I'd just have a nibble. When I would fix something he'd complain that it needed full fat cream, not light milk. Well, it turned on him. People started noticing my weight loss and commenting about it. He saw my passport picture and asked where the other half my face went. He saw me in baggy undies and asked why I was wearing bloomers. He also realized that his waist had grown by more than 2 inches and mine was shrinking. He realized that he was going to have to buy new clothes and that he was sick all the time. He started working out with me after months of ridiculing me when I was doing WATP.
I do hope and pray that James will come around for you. I know this is breaking your heart.
I want to second the "can you prepare his breakfast/lunch/snacks?" idea, so long as it won't make you feel taken advantage of. It may be that planning isn't his strong suit, and if you don't have an eating plan, you're going to have a hard time choosing NOT to go with easy, fast, and tasty fast food, even if you know the health risks.
Jay, different relationships work different ways. I see my doing the cooking as a trade off for having a longer, healthier life with my partner. And she takes care of other things while I cook. Also, I like cooking. So I don't resent cooking dinner for her and/or packing her lunch, even though she doesn't do it for me. it's just how we've worked it out.
I have been married for 11.5 years, and I can truthfully say that I do MANY things to take care of my husband. I sometimes make his lunch, and every weekend day, I wake him up with coffee in bed.
I don't feel un-liberated, or taken advantage of. I'm a SAHM, and our tradeoff for that is that he makes the money and I do almost everything around the house. I'm OK with that. I feel that for now, that is my job. However, once I'm working, I think I will probably ask for more help.
Marriages that last require compromise, not bullheaded 50/50.
Last edited by famograham; 01-18-2008 at 01:45 PM.
txangelgirl, I'm going to lay down for you what I see and have experienced. The problems this man has and will give you involve a lot more than just weight.
I married a big guy (400 lbs at the time but now he's gained). I thought, hey I've been fat all my life. I'm a nice person, I just have difficulty losing. Well, that may hold true for some of us, but not all of us.
The reason my husband got so big is because he is really, really selfish. In every possible way. The most obvious way this quality manifests itself is with food. His belly is his god. He can deny himself no pleasure that he wants. Namely, fast food.
That's more his problem than mine. He's dangerously unhealthy and continues to gain weight, but you may think either that you can help someone like that to change their ways or just enjoy whatever time you do have with them.
The trouble is that this kind of selfishness involves more than food. For instance, my husband has borrowed or taken thousands of dollars from both our parents with no intention of paying it back. He works a part-time job, refuses to look for more work because work is too hard (laziness is another form of selfishness). He has had to move into his parents basement because he can't pay for all of his bills and I can't support him.
More than that, he only cares about what he wants. Any time he has to choose between my wants and his you can guess who wins out.
The description of your man sounds scarily like my own. My advice is forget the "health" stuff. This guy is bad news. However much you think you love him now, once you're married you're going to discover the hard way that he will always get what he wants at your expense. Find a man with a healthy personality.
Laurie Dawn: I gave him space and a few months later he was diagnosed with artritis and all that, he had gotten to the brink of issues. But I am glad that is what's working for the two of you.
Faerie: actually I would have much liked it if someone had cared enough about me to make me aware of the risks, and offered to help me do it like I have offered James. See I didn't have anybody who did that, and when I asked I didn't get help, so I only had myself (and now this board) to help me.
Nelie: yes I have done all those things, but they are great suggestions. i have done everything but lose the weight for him.And yes I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking. It's when he is not home that he eats so badly. The only thing is lunches - he works on the road, so he prefers to get lunches out so they are freshly made. But yes I have given him healthy alternatives (as possible) for just about every place he goes to, but he doesn't get them.
Rhonda: I couldn't have said it better myself. that is precisely what's going on. Thank you.
Barby: you just might be right...he has been overweight all his life, so yeah he might be afraid to lose the weight, but why - I don't understand why losing weight can make some people afraid.
I think most everyone has already said it, he has to make that change on his own. You stood up to him and made your peace so I think you have done what you can do. From here on out it is up to him, he should realize that in you he has a support system. That right there shows love for one another. I hope for his sake he realizes that all that cover up with the belly stuff, is just making his life shorter.
I make lunch for my family every night. My husband has also lost weight because I pack his lunch, he no longer has the option to just stop in a fast food place, he does it once a month for lunch and is happy with that. Actually that has saved a little on gas because now he doesn't have to drive some where to eat. I make my kids lunch because like some one said earlier it only takes a few more seconds. My oldest daughter has bad school lunch and started not eating at all, so thats why I make hers. I enjoy doing this for my family becuase they do things for me like my hubby takes care of all the outside stuff and my kids like cleaning the bathroom (weird, I know), so it all works out!
Whoa everyone was posting at the same time Basically, to sum up all of it, this was the last time I am pointing out his risks to him; he's a grown man and can think for himself. and while he didn't know all the risks before, he knows now. Next, he really wasn't hurting on the inside about his weight, he truly just didn't care. And yes I love him too much to just let him continue on wihtout at least saying how I feel. Amanda (and anyone else who wondered) I do prepare all snacks and meals, and have them ready to go whenever they want them; they just have to grab and heat up, or serve, whatever the snack is. I love cooking, and have cooked since I could walk LOL, so yeah I really enjoy that. And it feels good to see him eating the snacks I prepare, it's just his diet outside of the house that is so opposite you know. Anyway yes I do hope as I get further along that he will really change his ways. He already has seen a little difference, so I am really hoping that he will soon decide to follow suit....
by the way I totally agree with Amanda...I do see me cooking and preparing meals and grocery shopping etc as a trade off for my partner too. Even if I didn't love cooking as much as I do, I'd still do it cause I know that shows love to him, and also I am helping to prepare a healthy home for him. I guess I just do it automatically cause I love him, and I know it makes him happy when I fix healthy but good things he likes to eat. Just like he likes snack mix, I made up a homemade recipe with a lot less sodium and even threw some Kashi in there, and he loved it. Or the grilled shrimp I got the other night....I hate seafood and he knows it, so when I prepare seafood for him that really speaks volumes of love in his eyes.
And Angela, I really appreciated your comeback post; actually I am doing a minigoal in my home, but the major one here for my tracker; my mini goal is to get below 200. And since James has been overweight most of his life, I think that might be too lofty a goal to get under 40 lol, but yeah that is a great idea, a great idea indeed. Maybe I should help him come up with mini goals. And I really appreciate knowing I said everything okay, and in the right way.
I haven't said anything today, and probably won't unless he brings it up. I kinda feel like if I bring up making goals that maybe he hasn't had time to absorb all the info I shared last night, or will it - should I wait or ask if he wants help with making goals now? you know, wait til he brings up the subject?
Last edited by txangelgirl; 01-18-2008 at 03:19 PM.
Well marriage is a balance. There are some things we do for our men and some things they do for us. Who packs lunches/cooks dinner? When both dh and I were working he would help cook a few times a week. He was great to help with chores. I always packed him a lunch. Now that I stay at home and he works f/t I take on more of the home responsibilities. I cook 99% of the time/ pack lunches/ clean etc. If I am sick or just upset or something he will offer to cook. He is a great guy. On his days off he helps with chores and handles all the car/lawn/heavy duty stuff. Keep packing those lunches Nelie.
To the original poster this looks bad, real bad. Run fast. My ex dh was the same way. He was 6'4 and 235 when we married, over time being an otr driver the weight crept up and health issues started cropping up. Before I knew it he was 340 and hypertensive. He became violent and angry and etc/etc. We split, then divorced. After 11 years of marriage. Within 3 years of us divorcing it seems he had lupus/heart valve disease/diabetes and God only knows what else. He is now dead at 35.
it's just how we've worked it out.
Basically, to sum up all of it, this was the last time I am pointing out his risks to him; he's a grown man and can think for himself. and while he didn't know all the risks before, he knows now. Next, he really wasn't hurting on the inside about his weight, he truly just didn't care. And yes I love him too much to just let him continue on wihtout at least saying how I feel. Amanda (and anyone else who wondered) I do prepare all snacks and meals, and have them ready to go whenever they want them; they just have to grab and heat up, or serve, whatever the snack is. I love cooking, and have cooked since I could walk LOL, so yeah I really enjoy that. And it feels good to see him eating the snacks I prepare, it's just his diet outside of the house that is so opposite you know. Anyway yes I do hope as I get further along that he will really change his ways. He already has seen a little difference, so I am really hoping that he will soon decide to follow suit....
