oh yeah. I have days that I think I look really great and "feel" skinny, then I get out of the shower or something and go "ugh"! But like you said, it's one step at a time. That's all any of us can do, so we should focus on that.
I can't say that I've never paired fat with discouraging words like ugly or disgusting in my mind, but it's been a very, very long time. Maybe I'm embracing delusion, but I think the alternative is too horrible to consider.
I've been obese nearly all of my life, and I know that I'm not most people's definition of beautiful, but I managed to find several men through the years who considered me so. My husband is also morbidly obese, and I think he's the sexiest man on the planet. When I was younger, and more shallow, I might not have seen him that way. In college, I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't at least close to average looking, because I was terrified of people thinking I couldn't do better. I'm ashamed of that me.
I think our culture's disdain and disgust of fat actually makes it more difficult to lose weight. It encourages people to isolate out of embarassment, and discourages active participation in activities that would make weight loss easier. When we make lists of things we are looking forward to being able to do when we lose the weight, how often do we include things we could do now, if we weren't afraid.
Until my weight started to cause physical disability, I took for granted that there were things I couldn't do as a fat person for social reasons. When my weight started to physically limit my life, however, I decided to not allow it to limit me any more than necessary. I swim, I ride my bicycle, I buy and wear clothes that I like, I speak up when people are rude, I dance naked for my husband - I don't put my life on hold, feeling I don't deserve it just because I'm fat.
Colleen, I'm so glad you've been able to do so many things many morbidly obese people are unable to do, for whatever reasons. Really, REALLY glad in fact. I was terribly limited by my excessive weight, mostly physically and yes, mentally as well . You see, it's not always as simple as "I won't put my life on hold, feeling that I don't deserve it just because I'm fat." For me it had ZERO, absolutely ZERO to do with "deserving or NOT deserving" anything. That never entered into the equation. Not once. It just wasn't as simple as you put it. Just like for many the simple equation to lose the weight "just eat less, move more", is really not all that simple afterall. Because if it really were all that simple, well then there wouldn't be so many morbidly obese people.
Ok, ya'll are living in my head. Are you reading my mind? In my head, I'm thinking I'm looking good and wondering why the single guys out there don't see that in me. Cute hair, nice makeup, stylish clothes (or at least the ones that fit me)... the mirror lies sometimes. Then, the photos comes out and I gasp. Was that the same girl that looked in the mirror and said "oh yea, hot stuff..."
I just uploaded a new photo of me for my avatar and thought... Eeeaaaccckkkkk... egads... I thought I looked ok in this exercise outfit but now all I see are folds of fat and and chubby face. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I put this photo up as my avatar because it's what I look like right now (hopefully at my worst so I can think on my best days I look 'hot'... and I don't mean sweaty). But, I look at the photo again and I noticed that I'm in a workout outfit. That means... I was moving... getting healthy (and sweaty... I mean, "glistening") and feeling good from all the endorphins the exercise planted in my head. Yehaw!
I agree with Trazey... we cannot tell ourselves that we are ugly. Maybe in transition or off the mark but never ugly.
Can you say the word "ugly" with a smile? If you can't say the word with a smile, then you shouldn't say it at all!
Simple? maybe in a sense. Easy, not by any definition. To a large degree our culture defines what we expect and accept from ourselves and others. Refusing to accept society's definition of us and/or others, is never easy, and doing so nearly always has repercussions. I think it's very sad, though when people are even harder on themselves than strangers would be.
When I was in gradeschool, both my brother and I had "rescue the victim" personalities. Luckily, I was able to think fast, and do it with words, often threatening to "sit on" the bully if necessary. My brother sometimes did it with his fists, and would get in trouble for it. I don't know when I first decided that I deserved the same respect and protection I extended to others, but I know it didn't happen overnight, it took practice, lots of practice, and sometimes it is still a struggle.
Last October we had a costume party for the little kids at our church, as a safe Trick or Treating substitute. I volunteered to paint faces for the kids, before learning that I was expected to come dressed as "Queen Esther." Man, did I want to back out, but I went anyway. I wore a bright purple fur trimmed overdress, covered in plastic "jewels." Tiara and all, I went to the party. For the first hour, my face probably was nearly the shade of the dress, because I was SO embarassed. What the heck had I been thinking? Then a tiny little girl of maybe 3 or 4 dressed as a princess came to have her face painted, and her eyes got very big and she smiled and said "You're so beautiful! Are you really a queen?" I nearly started crying. It was a great night, and I am so glad that I didn't let my fears prevent me from going.
Delusional??? Maybe. I have come so far in my weight loss (and so have you all!!) I think I deserve to have my head in the clouds and BELIEVE people when they say I look good. We all do!! Yesterday, I went to Lane Bryant to try on some shirts....I need some clothes badly! I have tried not to buy too much because I dont plan to stay this size long BUT I need some cute stuff to wear to Church and etc... Anywho, I was trying on some stuff and I noticed my back fat. I was little discouraged THEN I thought about it. Hey, the ONLY thing I noticed (criticized) was the back fat. I didnt sit there and make a list of things wrong with me. That is an improvement. I thought: Hey, get a nice fitting girdle and go on my merry way. I was (am) motivated. I am finally a size 16 AND I am going to start doing more toning so I can hit those areas (especially that back fat!! )
It is so bad that when it really hits I sit on the floor in the middle of my home office and cry. For anywhere up to hours.
Part of my problem is that I know at one point I was what I thought was "beautiful"... And somehow in my head as I have started to lose weight I have again started to see something beautiful in myself. It doesn't hurt that I won a contest for something... (I guess I will likely out myself fully on that contest in about a week as it is kind of fun.)
My problem is that I have "extra tissue" at the weight I am at now... When at 10 lbs heavier I had less second chin. I know my cheek bones are leaner, and my jaw line a bit more defined. But the chin... Chins?! *le sigh* And of course it hits that nasty little button every time I am on an escalator or in an elevator that has mirrors. I mean... COME ON! Who REALLY needs to look at them self that often that our culture lines it's walls with mirrors. We tell our selves that it is to make a space look larger but...
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW I can be beautiful... I just don't feel it very often anymore.
Hi,
there were days when I was 279, and was delusioned into thinking I didn't look that bad. There are days I feel really good looking, then I take a look at a part of my body and cringe..... the fat thighs, the marks left under my arm from the rubbing together... I don't know when I will allow myself to feel hot.
cheryl
[I don't know when I will allow myself to feel hot].
Ouch. Come on girls, CLAIM your inner wild woman! How many times do you see fat men, bald men, hairy men, short men, men who look like fairy tale trolls - who think they're absolute studs. At the beach, you'll see at least one fat guy in a speedo (well you won't actually see the speedo, but I assume it's in there somewhere), where are the fat women in bikinis? I admit, I'm not standing in line to be that woman, but I think it's important to "fake it til you make it" even in attitude. Start thinking like a hottie now, so that when others see it, you don't think THEY'RE delusional.
I love Colleen's story about the small child complimenting her. It reminded me of when my daughter was four, and there was a child in her Sunday School class who was born with a birthmark that discolored half of her face. She also suffered from mental ******ation. Yet, my daughter didn't seem to notice those things. She sat by her, talked to her, and said - to me, after class - how pretty that little girl looked. And I really believe that my daughter had a lot more wisdom than I did at that point. She looked at that little girl with eyes of love. How many of us are willing to go on record and disagree with my daughter, taking the position that this little girl will always be ugly because of these deformities? Similarly, how many of us look at our children and see them as ugly? I can't imagine that there are many of us that don't see the beauty in our own children, regardless of what they look like. I think we deserve the same love that we give our children.
I have feelings of inferiority all of the time. But I know that these will not go away with the weight. They are two separate issues, and I will have to work hard to resolve each of them, and continue to work hard on them throughout my life. But I have known a lot of people like Colleen and Trazey and so many others on this forum. Incredibly fun, attractive people who draw others to them because of their intelligence, wit, and confidence - regardless of what they weigh.
Forgive me if I seem naive or preachy. But I don't think it's delusional to believe the best about yourself. I've known too many people whose beauty shines through whatever physical form they happen to be inhabiting that moment.
[I don't know when I will allow myself to feel hot].
Ouch. Come on girls, CLAIM your inner wild woman! How many times do you see fat men, bald men, hairy men, short men, men who look like fairy tale trolls - who think they're absolute studs. At the beach, you'll see at least one fat guy in a speedo (well you won't actually see the speedo, but I assume it's in there somewhere), where are the fat women in bikinis? I admit, I'm not standing in line to be that woman, but I think it's important to "fake it til you make it" even in attitude. Start thinking like a hottie now, so that when others see it, you don't think THEY'RE delusional.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU COLLEEN for saying this!!!
What you think about yourself is EVERYTHING!!! Your thoughts and feelings about yourself are the ONLY things that truly matter! You can have a perfect body and perfect face, but if you think you are ugly, people will pick up on that vibe and think the same thing.
I have always been obese, and have ALWAYS had men who thought I was sexy and hot! Why? Because *I* think I am sexy and hot!! What you think about yourself does NOT stay inside your head--it comes out in the way you carry yourself, the way you dress, the way you take care of your outward appearance.
Change your thinking, and watch how your FEELINGS change!!
[I don't know when I will allow myself to feel hot].
Ouch. Come on girls, CLAIM your inner wild woman! How many times do you see fat men, bald men, hairy men, short men, men who look like fairy tale trolls - who think they're absolute studs. At the beach, you'll see at least one fat guy in a speedo (well you won't actually see the speedo, but I assume it's in there somewhere), where are the fat women in bikinis? I admit, I'm not standing in line to be that woman, but I think it's important to "fake it til you make it" even in attitude. Start thinking like a hottie now, so that when others see it, you don't think THEY'RE delusional.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen415
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU COLLEEN for saying this!!!
What you think about yourself is EVERYTHING!!! Your thoughts and feelings about yourself are the ONLY things that truly matter! You can have a perfect body and perfect face, but if you think you are ugly, people will pick up on that vibe and think the same thing.
I have always been obese, and have ALWAYS had men who thought I was sexy and hot! Why? Because *I* think I am sexy and hot!! What you think about yourself does NOT stay inside your head--it comes out in the way you carry yourself, the way you dress, the way you take care of your outward appearance.
Change your thinking, and watch how your FEELINGS change!!
Thank you ladies. I have had these same thoughts in my mind for some time. I want to feel better about myself, but I know that if I keep focusing on what is wrong with my body, I will never get there. I have always longed to be one of those women that has confidence, in spite of being obese. I am going to make this my mission, little by little. I mean, it is going to take me a long time to get the weight off, I may as well work on feeling better about myself now. I don't want to be one of those women that loses the weight but are still not happy with themselves.
Over the years many, many women have told me I was "lucky" to feel so great about myself, and how they "wished" they were like me, but that they just couldn't do it themselves. Very, very few of these people were less attractive or fatter than me. In fact, some of them were down right gorgeous.
I think just like the "luck" of being thin, it often isn't so much luck as hard work. People assume it is effortless for me to be outgoing and positive. And once in a while it is, but mostly it was just very hard work, especially in the beginning. Just like dieting, it takes practice to look in the mirror and like the person you see - inside and out. It takes courage to shove society's stereotypes in it's face and exceed not only others' expectations for you, but your won as well. And courage doesn't mean lack of fear, it means taking action in the face of fear.
I'm sure you are not, especially if you have ppl telling you how great you look.
)
(I guess I will likely out myself fully on that contest in about a week as it is kind of fun.)
