Join Date: May 2000
Location: Stillwater, OK Payne
All, this was so much fun. Sorry it is so long.
You have BEEN my life for so long. How can I go on without you? But, we must each go our separate (VERY SEPARATE) ways. We have had so many years together, many, many magic moments, but it is time for each of us to move on. You were there for me when I was scared, protecting me from the big, bad, scary world. But our relationship has grown sour. Sugar, chocolate, and butter won't sweeten it anymore.
With you I was always the dewy-faced lady, but now I realize the dew was sweat in my creases. For years with you I made new friends-physicians, nurses, dentists, and pharmacists. I never had to go anywhere new because I never had any money left over from the co-pays. The unpredictability of life! What would get me first? Coronary? Stroke?
The skills we cultivated together! How to disguise a florid face, an extended gut, bulging thighs. How to smile at the cruelty of "fat jokes", rude teenagers, the invisibility of the old fat woman. These skills, unused, will wither and die, unmourned.
The tools I learned to use because of you! Pliers, talcum powder, support hose. All banished, banished from my bedroom. How I perfected the use of pliers to zip up my jeans, talcum to soothe my wearied thighs, support hose to hold my legs together!
We were just the two of us in our own world-candy bars, TV soaps, bowls of ice cream. This was all we needed for bliss, pure bliss. But over the years I have found that I yearned for something else. For a while now, I have been faking it. You stopped satisfying me, but I kept up the pretense. I just can't pretend anymore that the perpetual bloat was what I wanted, that the muumuu dresses and elastic waists you made me wear, and the bright red marks left on my waist were pleasing to me. I looked in a mirror against your wishes. I even sneaked a peek below my neck. That was the beginning of the end of us.
It really isn't you who have changed, but me. I need SLIM. He pushes me to go out in that bad, scary world. He pushes me to be more than I ever thought possible. He wants me to try, to try to walk around the lake, to push that grocery cart right by the bakery.
He isn't easy. Oh, no, he isn't easy. I have to work to get him to stay with me. And to keep him, I have to be friends with WATER and FIBER. If I don't make friends with them, SLIM won't stay with me. With WATER I have learned the WW waltz. With FIBER I have learned exactly where I can be alone, a closet, an empty room, etc., for a moment of reflection and ejection. I must shop in the produce aisle. I must read labels. I must THINK before I go back for seconds. But SLIM will stay with me forever if I go by his rules. He makes me want to look in mirrors, to buy clothes with buttons and zippers. SLIM enables me to be the woman I want to be.
Oh yes, I am sure that at times I will look back longingly at our relationship-when syrup and butter roll over pancakes, when the smell of chili coneys fills the carnival air, when the dessert carts roll by, but I must remember that YOU were much too jealous. You kept me isolated, unsure, and in a sugar haze. My options with you were Martha Stewart's recipes, the food section of the newspaper, the neon signs of the greasy spoons of the world. I was weighted down with chocolate recipes, the bread machine, and chip containers. I NEED MORE. I NEED SLIM.
Good-bye, my old companion. I see now that you were never for me. You were never my friend.