I think you need to ask yourself WHY you felt you had to ask him that question. Because if you truly wanted to know whether you were fat, you could have gotten a more accurate, and less emotionally charged, answer by asking a girlfriend.
It sounds more like you have some insecurities about the relationship and asked the question because you were looking for reassurance from him.
Men hate these kinds of questions because they know whatever answer they give is going to upset you, and you probably made him feel as bad by asking the question as he made you feel by answering it.
You definitely didn't give him much of a choice. I think he tried to let you down as softly as he could. You gotta give him some credit. I personally have never asked my husband if he thinks I'm fat. Of course he thinks I'm fat...... because duh - I AM FAT. I think I'm fat, I know I'm fat, why wouldn't he know it too. Having said that he has showed much restraint as I have sat there and picked on myself, he hasn't joined in (lucky for him) and I must say thank god he has loved me and wanted me whether I was 120 something pounds or 287 pounds.
I had known my DF for a while before we started dating but the last time he had seen me BEFORE we started dating, I weighed 360 lbs or so. He had moved away so he hadn't seen me in over a year. We were friends and really there was no reason to discuss my weight loss with a guy but after we decided to date, I told him that I had lost some weight. We still hadn't seen eachother and when we did, I weighed around 290. (I should mention that my boy is around 140-150).
He has never told me I'm fat. He says I'm beautiful. If I say i'm fat or flabby or what not, he says no I'm beautiful. I showed him some sagging skin and he said "that is just a little bit, you look good". He has told me that I don't need to lose weight but if I want to lose weight, he says he will support me. I've lost over 30 lbs this year and he encourages me all the way.
I think men should be supportive but I also don't think that we should put them into a position where they might say something that will hurt us. If I asked my DF if I was fat, he would tell me no I'm beautiful. He has told me many times that I'm perfect. I don't know how a guy would think someone at 174 lbs is fat or even too fat. I guess if you are comparing someone to a supermodel.
Please don't take your boyfriend's comments to heart, Amber. He was just trying to be helpful and kind in his own way. Life is too short to worry about these little blips in the road. We all say stupid things and hope that the other person will forgive us.
Instead, use your boyfriend's remarks constructively; let them provide you with renewed focus to continue on your road to wellness and weight loss...which I see by your ticker you have made excellent progress!
AND...No more "am I fat?" questions!
Instead, ask "Do you think you are man enough to handle me?" LOL.
I understand - we're girls (women) and we just want reassurance. We want to hear "Of course you're not fat, honey, you're beautiful to me!" ... but some men just DON'T GET IT. They can be brutally honest... so I've always held true to the "Don't ask the question if you don't wanna know the answer" mantra.
But in those "sometimes" when I just can't HELP MYSELF... I'll say to my husband... "do you still love me even tho I'm not as thin as I was when we met?" And he KNOWS damn well what his answer better be, LOL!!!
i know how u feel. i was stupid and told my b/f that he could be honest with me, even if he thought I would get mad. well, he was honest with me all right...but he tried to be nice about it when he said it. but i agree with you...it still hurts! hold your chin up and use that as motivation. or do what i do....when i work out, i think of when he said it, and it gets me so pissed off that i start working harder without even realizing it! LOL
Unfortunately I have to agree with others about why did you ask. although we want honesty in our relationship, if you know the answer, why would you ask the question. Its just not fair to ask this of your BF, he's just trying to be honest, isn't that what a relationship is based on( not really , but it sounds good on oprah )
I know how you feel, I think your b/f thought he was saying the right thing. My advice is stay away from questions that you don't want to hear the answer to.
My husband tells me I have a squishy butt! He thinks its endearing but it isn't, but he is a little on the dumb side.
He has never told me I'm fat. He says I'm beautiful. If I say i'm fat or flabby or what not, he says no I'm beautiful. I showed him some sagging skin and he said "that is just a little bit, you look good".
You can't expect that all guys are going to respond this way to the "Am I fat" question. Everyone is different. It's great that your DF does this, but in my experience, not all guys are able to handle this question so smoothly, especially if you continue to press them on it, the way AmderD did. With a little pushing, in my experience, most guys are going to break down and give the answer you don't want to hear.
When I was at my heaviest, if I had asked my SO if I was fat, he definitely would have admitted that he thought I could lose some weight. On the other hand, if I'd asked him if I was attractive, he also would definitely have said that I was. Sometimes it's all in how you ask the question. If you want to know that you are attractive, ask that question, don't ask if you are fat. Just because you are overweight doesn't mean you aren't attractive to your SO.
Sometimes when I ask my SO a question like this and he answers poorly (his instinct is often to be too honest) I just tell him how I'd like him to answer in the future. But we have a rapport where I can say something like this to him and it's amusing, it doesn't start a fight.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freeqeegrl
he doesnt even worry about other guys hitting on me , that hurts ,i think he thinks im too fat for anyone else to want me.
Maybe he doesn't worry about other guys hitting on you because he trusts you. Really, this is a sign of maturity to me. My SO also has never worried about other guys hitting on me, not when I was 150 pounds, not now that I am 118 pounds. It has nothing to do with my weight or how attractive he thinks I am. It is because he trusts that I would never cheat on him. It would be a problem for me if he did worry about guys hitting on me. In fact, this type of worrying can often be a warning sign of someone who is overly controlling (and also very insecure).
Sometimes when I ask my SO a question like this and he answers poorly (his instinct is often to be too honest) I just tell him how I'd like him to answer in the future. But we have a rapport where I can say something like this to him and it's amusing, it doesn't start a fight.
Hee! I do this to my husband. The usual method is to look him straight in the eye and say, "Now this is the part where you say...no, honey, you're absolutely beautiful."
The usual method is to look him straight in the eye and say, "Now this is the part where you say...no, honey, you're absolutely beautiful."
ha, I do this with my boyfriend, too. Boys are simple creatures--if no one tells them how to react, then how are they supposed to know? My boyfriend certainly wasn't going to learn anything from his mother growing up (don't even get me started on her), and he was an only child, so no sisters to train him. I have definitely been known to say things like, "Now, this is where you give me a big hug," or something like that He knows well enough that the correct answer to any weight- or body size-related question would be along the lines of, "Does it really matter? I love you."
To know if we are fat or not we just need to look at a healthy weight chart or calculate our BMI. Being fat just means that you are carrying excess body weight because your fat cells have expanded. Anyone can see if a person is "fat" or not. And honestly we know all too well whether or not we are fat and don't need someone to tell us. We wouldn't be at this site if we didn't already know the answer!
My guess is that you are really wondering whether or not your boyfriend loves you just as you are. Whether he finds you attractive just as you are. These are very different things than "do you think I am fat". You are interpreting "yes you are fat" as "there is no possible way I could love someone or be attracted to someone who is overweight." Fat does not equate to unattractive or undesirable or unlovable. There is SO much more to being a loveable, desireable, beautiful woman than the size of our fat cells! This is a question about self worth as well... the reason you feel so devastated is because you are attaching your value to your boyfriend's response (even worse, your misinterpretation of your boyfriend's response). Separate out these issues and if you really don't know if your boyfriend loves you or is attracted to you... then ask him but ask him the right questions.
I asked my bf about this, and he said "if you keep asking the same question over and over, most guys will just answer to shut you up". Which I think is true, guys don't sit around obsessing over if their SO's gained a few pounds, they just want to watch the game/tv/show/play on the computer and NOT deal with "do you think I'm fat?" questions. Even the dumbest person would know thats totally a trap.
One thing that I thought was cute is when the bf and I were talking about this last night I told him that I didn't need for him to say I'm fat that I know I am. He said no that I'm not, and I laughed. And then said that it isn't true if you don't believe it, kinda cute I think. Plus he just likes the fact that my boobs are a DD now.
Also! All those years I thought he was sabotaging my diets? Turns out he just wanted me to be happy, and his immature mind thought food would make me happy.
AND! heh.. I'll stop soon. I was out for a run the other day and was all worried some people might think I was too fat to run, but you know what? Those are MY issues and I can't keep putting them on other people, so I gave myself a little talk and kept on going.
This is a question about self worth as well... the reason you feel so devastated is because you are attaching your value to your boyfriend's response (even worse, your misinterpretation of your boyfriend's response). Separate out these issues and if you really don't know if your boyfriend loves you or is attracted to you... then ask him but ask him the right questions.
Great insight Sojourner! I absolutely agree.
I also agree that even though he could've phrased that second comment better, he was just being honest which is what we (supposedly) want in a relationship.
)
; thanks for bringing it up!
My boyfriend certainly wasn't going to learn anything from his mother growing up (don't even get me started on her), and he was an only child, so no sisters to train him. I have definitely been known to say things like, "Now, this is where you give me a big hug," or something like that 
He knows well enough that the correct answer to any weight- or body size-related question would be along the lines of, "Does it really matter? I love you."
