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Old 11-02-2006, 04:29 PM   #31  
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I learned a long time ago to not ask questions unless you want to hear the answer. This applies to kids as well.
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Old 11-02-2006, 04:53 PM   #32  
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In my experience my Matt answers. " Sara I love you the way you are." Thats usually where I drop it. Pressing your guy is just going to hurt your feelings, and basically you probably don't want to hear the "yes you are" answer.

Most of the issues we have is the insecurities. My boyfriend all except one I think were skinny if not all. I'm his big girl, for a long time that drove me crazy, i was really insecure about that. I told him I was insecure about that, He said " I can't help who I dated before, they were all different shapes and sizes. Sara, If I didn't love you no matter what size you may be I wouldn't be with you. " It doesn't bother me now, I knew those were my own issues not his or anyone elses.

Now he jokes with me, " you know when you get skinny I hope you don't loose your butt.. I love that big butt" I roll my eyes but I find it funny. I know he loves me even if he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful that often. I think asking baby do you think i'm beautiful is better than asking baby do u think i'm fat.

that's just my two cents.
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Old 11-02-2006, 06:59 PM   #33  
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I'm his big girl, for a long time that drove me crazy, i was really insecure about that. I told him I was insecure about that, He said "I can't help who I dated before, they were all different shapes and sizes. Sara, If I didn't love you no matter what size you may be I wouldn't be with you."... Now he jokes with me, "you know when you get skinny I hope you don't loose your butt.. I love that big butt"...
Do you mind if I clone your boyfriend?
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Old 11-02-2006, 08:30 PM   #34  
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hey guys!

Thanks for all the encouraging words.

I totally agree that I shouldn't have asked the question if I wasn't prepared to hear the answer. I know it was a mean trap that I set for him, and he thought he was doing right by being honest as gently as he is able to.

The boy did keep saying that he was attracted to me etc. But I was in such a tizzy, and didn't listen. I made the assumption that if he thought I was fat, he must think I'm unattractive. It took me to a whole nights sleep to remember that the words aren't synonymous

I've always been insecure about my weight and how I look. But it's gotten bad the last couple days.

I ran a marathon on Sunday. 26.2 friggin miles and I did every last one of them. I was sooooo oooo oooo proud.

But they take pictures at the event and you can look up your bib numbers and look at them all. And I look fat. Here I've made this terrific accomplishment. Trained for over 6 months. I should be shouting from the rooftops that I DID IT!!!!!

But I just really don't want any one to go online and look up my pictures

I know it's my malfuction, and I'm trying to focus on the positive, but I can be so gosh darn superficial sometimes!

I guess I went about getting him to reassure me the entirely wrong way! Live and learn I suppose!
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Old 11-02-2006, 09:08 PM   #35  
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You RAN A MARATHON!?

WOW! "Fat" or not, you're amazing. Don't focus on the small stuff. You're phenomenal.
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Old 11-02-2006, 09:26 PM   #36  
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FOR REAL!!!

Girl, I can't even run a 1/2 mile without stopping! And you went 26.2?! That's... a whole freakin lot of miles!!

You should be proud of yourself; go get those pictures framed and hang them up where everyone can see them. Carry them around in your purse and stop strangers on the street to show them. You deserve it!!
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:42 PM   #37  
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At least you guys have boyfriends!
Who has a boyfriend? Not me. Kinda got mixed feelings about that.
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:44 PM   #38  
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Sniff! I don't, I've never had a boyfriend. Always been to fat and insecure to attract one I guess. But all that's CHANGING!!!
OMGosh! Me too. How old are you if I may ask? I'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend.
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:58 PM   #39  
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First off, WTG on the 26.2 miles! That is great! I walked 1.7 miles uphill and thought I was going to die! I can't imagine doing that many miles! So Congrats!

Secondly, I agree it is a no win question, I've done it myself asking questions I know I don't want the answer too so big

Thirdly I don't understand how much we weigh determines if we have a boyfriend, signicant other, or husband. Where as I am not a dating diva, I've had boyfriends and dated and now am happily married for 8 years. Weight should NOT determine if you find a mate or not in my own humble opinions. There are LOTS of men out there and if a man is only focused on my weight or how I "look" then they aren't for me. I understand there has to be a certain amount of "attraction" but as I said, there are lots of men out there and not all want little tiny model look alikes!

These are just my own humble opinions based on my own experiences!

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Old 11-03-2006, 12:30 AM   #40  
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I'm the same way! I know I shouldn't ask questions like that but I do it anyways then get mad.

My BF would always make comments about my chub (he thinks it's endearing, like when he nicknamed me "little pig"), but whenever I actually try to do something about it he starts sabotaging my efforts and telling me that it's not healthy to diet. I only lost a couple pounds the first week but he got all serious and said "you have to stop, I don't like skinny girls (right, his ex was under 100 pounds)... I don't want you to lose your butt" (that wasn't a concern for me because I had a BIG butt! I'm so glad my butt and thighs have shrunk!). I thought: my weight fluctuates more than that and he's already trying to stop me?! I got really irritated and firmly said NO. I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for ME. I'm sick of feeling all too comfortable with my weight because I already have a BF and have no one left to impress. He almost never compliments me (he rarely compliments anything) so why shouldn't I seek compliments elsewhere? Trying to lose weight does not mean that I have low self-esteem or that I don't love myself though. I was very confident even when I was over 140.
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Old 11-03-2006, 05:28 AM   #41  
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Originally Posted by Sassy_Chick View Post
Weight should NOT determine if you find a mate or not in my own humble opinions. There are LOTS of men out there and if a man is only focused on my weight or how I "look" then they aren't for me. I understand there has to be a certain amount of "attraction" but as I said, there are lots of men out there and not all want little tiny model look alikes!
I agree a million percent I didn't have a real boyfriend until I was almost 22 years old--never dated in high school or even in college (I didn't meet him till after I graduated from college). I always thought the same thing--that I was too fat to attract any men. Because I felt this way, I was acting differently. I wouldn't dance or initiate conversation with any guys at parties or anything like that. Any guy that did talk to me, I just assumed he would become a friend and eventually confess his love for...one of my best friends (as was ALWAYS the case in high school ). So yeah, I blamed my fat for my long-term singledom.

Then I stopped being so stupid and superficial about MYSELF.

You do NOT have to put your life on hold until you've got the perfect body. I met my boyfriend when I weighed almost 300 pounds. He has been with me for over 2.5 years, living together for over 1 year, and he has seen me range from about 264 up to 310.5 (my highest). In all that time, he has NEVER once mentioned my weight (unless I bring it up due to my own insecurity, at which point he reminds me that my weight does NOT matter to him because he loves ME). In fact, if he even mentioned it playfully (such as calling me his "little pig"), I would be quite offended. No one is perfect--sure, we may be overweight, but guess what...even the guys who make fun of us are probably balding, have acne, have dandruff, have a huge nose, have webbed toes...the difference is that they don't OBSESS over their imperfections and allow them to control their lives, and neither should we!

So if you think you don't have a significant other because of your weight, think again. It's more likely your attitude about your weight that's holdig you back, and if someone cares so much about some extra weight on you, then why would you want to be with them anyway? Bodies change over time, and superficial beauty fades--if they can't accept you as imperfect now, how will they react if you get pregnant? get sick and gain weight due to illness? get old and wrinkly? get into an accident and end up with a funky scar? I know I would never want to be with someone whose feelings for me depend on my appearance--how degrading to WHO you are inside.
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Old 11-03-2006, 07:19 AM   #42  
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OMGosh! Me too. How old are you if I may ask? I'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend.
Also 20! Don't worry, we gots all the time in the world.

Quote:
It's more likely your attitude about your weight that's holdig you back
And I agree with this one. I also think, in my case, I just haven't been ready and haven't been comfortable with my whole self. I've had flirtations, I've had numbers in my pocket, but I never felt ... ready? Does that make any sense?
Personally, I'm not losing the weight to attract a man (although that would be nice!), I'm doing it to feel comfortable in my own skin.
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Old 11-03-2006, 07:42 AM   #43  
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Phew I'm not alone! I have never had a boyfriend either . For me, I have been ashamed of my weight and always gave the hint that I wasn't looking for any (except I felt like I needed to cuddle up to someone at times). Honestly, I would love to have some guy to hand my heart to.

jillybean - So true! We girls are so complex in many ways that we obsess over everything about ourselves. Sometimes I wish there was an easier way to defeat that...besides gradual confidence building
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Old 11-03-2006, 09:36 AM   #44  
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As a woman who could be mom to some of you all (or at least older sister), I just want to emphasize how important it is to develop who YOU are first before settling down with a mate. Had I taken that advice many many years ago, I probably wouldnt have married until I was almost 30. I was 22 when I married the first time, and if I had known how drastically I would have grown in my 20's I would have waited longer. Some couples grow together--others grow apart.

Back to the original question: I learned when I was about your age NOT to ask that question. It's just not fair to the guy because no matter what they say, it's the wrong answer!
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Old 11-03-2006, 11:38 AM   #45  
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I really don't think weight has to do with finding a mate. I met and married mine when I was 210 lbs. and a size 18. He has never said anything about my weight. Even now that I have lost it, he says "honey, you weren't really very big". Which is a big , fat lie. He has been with me through my illness and saw me at 234 lbs. with the chipmunk cheeks from prednisone and the 47" tummy. He has loved me through it all. Never once did he act turned off about my weight. He sees me for the person that I am and not my scale weight.
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