DITTO THAT!!!!!!!!
Wow! 26.2 miles!!! You're my inspiration!!!!!!!

Amen, Jill! How is it that you always manage to say exactly the right thing?

I'm 34, and didn't have my first serious boyfriend until this year. I dated here and there, but was never with anyone for longer than a couple of months. For me, it didn't happen until I lost the weight. The thing I discovered is that the thing that was keeping me out of a relationship was not my fat body, but my fat head.

I wasted a LOT of time feeling like I was unlovable. Turns out I'm not. Yay! I just had to adjust my attitude and find a little self confidence. My advice? Don't waste too much time feeling badly about yourself. Love who you are. The rest will fall into place.

cheers!
paula

Amber great job on the marathon!!! wow 26.2 miles all at once??? ran, walked, or crawled I think it is a great great accomplishment. And can I tell you a secret (shhh dont tell anyone this) NOBODY LOOKS GOOD WHEN THEY ARE RUNNING!!! NOT EVEN SKINNY GIRLS!! I would die if anyone took picture of me running!!! I turn bright red, my nose runs, If I don't spit every few minutes, every breath I take I spray, and that is just doing a mile. I can't even fathom what I would look like if I ran (or walked) 26.2!!!

Congrats on the marathon!!

Amber: that is a awesome!! I know it's easy to focus in on our insecurities, but oh, I hope you are basking in the glow of this amazing accomplishment!!!

Jill: I'm going to print out what you wrote!

I have had such body image problems and for as long as I could remember, have defined my level of worth and loveability by my body Ouch, I spent years in pain. I am working through it, learning, transitioning, taking steps along the way... through it, I have realized that I am not yet ready for a relationship and I have a lot to work through between now and when I will be ready.

I have a bad habit of these days now that I dont have so much of a weight problem of pre-judging if a certain guy would have looked at me if I was still fat. Guys that tell me I have a " great body" make me wonder if they would have liked me back then. Generally those are the guys I dont talk to.

I just turned 30, and I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend in my teens and early/mid-20's. I actually never wanted to get married before I was 25 (somehow knew this even as a teenager). I've definitely changed a lot in the last 10 years, and I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and how to relate to others. I think it is a very personal decision, and I personally believe that I would have been much more vulnerable to a less than desirable relationship when I was younger. Who knows, maybe I could have been lucky and met a wonderful person who could grow with me and respect me and who I could respect, but I think I would have needed more luck then to make that happen than now. I think I'd also be more likely (no guarantees of course) to stay HAPPILY married forever if I got married now than 10 years ago.

In reference to the original post:

I think that, generally, women are too sensitive.
If you are fat, you're fat. Period - if you KNOW you are then why press the issue with your significant other, when it really doesn't matter to them what size you are.
I have asked my husband what he thought of my size on many different occassions (not if he thought I was fat, but what he thought of my size). All he would tell me was that I was not fat - which I frankly find very insulting. Unless you are a bodybuilder, ANY person who weighs 350lbs is FAT! OBESE! MORBIDLY OBESE!!! I have never been in denial about being fat, and when others try to sugar-coat the truth, it pisses me off. Probably the honest answer from my husband would be that my size, whether fat or thin, does not bother him.
I think that when pressed on the issue, a person answers that yes you are fat, and you get upset - that is your own insecurities and personal issues with your size and the truth of your size; taking it to be anything hurtful or insensitive (unless the person is flat out attacking you) is taking it too far. Often times, the truth hurts.

The thing is, I know I'm insecure. And I know I have a distorted body image. But I don't KNOW if other people consider me fat or if most of the negativity is in my head.

I'm 5'10. I weigh in the 170's. That's borderline on the overweight.

I know I have some excess poundage, but sometimes I think how I percieve myself is worse than the reality.

I honestly did not expect him to say "Yes, you are kind of fat"

Amber, I don't think that most people would consider someone 5'10 and in the 170's as Fat. That isn't even overweight, IMHO. I bet you look just fantastic and don't realize it for yourself. I am 5'7 and when I hit 165, I thought I was looking GREAT. Sorry he hurt your feelings.

I have the weirdest story of all - I'm convinced

I have always been chubby...from school through college...and even now. A lot of us I'm sure, sailed in similar boats... I am Indian and live in India. We have a dress called Salwar Kameez. It's basically large trousers (drawstring) worn under a large top that often falls below the knees. It does lovely things to hide one's fat...and I hid under this for all my college life. I have a pretty face ( i know that) and even though I was heavy, I always got a lot of attention in college.
And yes, I did have a couple boyfriends
But when i was 24, I met (what I thought was) the man of my dreams. Andrew was everything i thought I wanted. he seemed kind, funny and very grounded. We got married after a whirlwind romance of three months... (where we never slept together as we were living in different cities and whenever he visited, it just wasn't possible - so yes...i married a man i hadn't slept with ). On my wedding night I figured that he was gay! I still stayed married to him for 7 years ( DON'T ask why) even though we had a platonic relationship. But when I reached 30, i realised that i wanted more and decided to come out of the relationship. that's when **** broke lose. He told me I was worthless and fat and that I was ugly beyond compare. He didn't know how he hadn't vomited everytime he was with me these past 7 years etc etc...and it hurt. You can imagine how much.
I have since met a wonderful man. We've lived together for almost 2 years now and he supports everything I do. I always ask him too...do I look fat in this? and he gets very uncomfortable when I ask him that but he always says no. I know and he knows he's sparing my feelings but you know what - that's what good men do. You have enough to deal with from others- why should he also join the bandwagon??
He said something to me the other night, which I will always remember:
We were at a party and then got back after that and were discussing the evening like most couples do...and he said this: I know you have issues about your weight...and I understand where you're coming from.... but most good people look beyond that...and those who don't aren't worth your time. So quit wondering who thinks you're fat. Just enjoy your time...and remember, I love you...through thick and thin
i slept such a wonderful sleep that night....
So, yes - it is a horrible question to ask, but we all do, either out loud or to ourselves - and the truth is that only person who's truth you'll accept is your own.

Soulmia, I thought I was the only one on here that had married a man and found out he was gay. That is some of the reason my second marriage only lasted 3 months and 6 days. I caught him leaving a motel with his arms around a MAN. It definitely wasn't just a "buddy" hug. Looking back, I should have known, but I was clueless. He@@, I dated him 2 yrs. before marrying him. He said that being with me, turned him gay. LOL

oooh lily... gurl we are kindred spirits :-) My husband also said I turned him gay...and then he quickly altered that and said he felt gay but he's actually not...he's still not out! lol!
poor soul....in my opinion, you live this life once- live it with someone you love if you have to live it with someone.... not someone you have to live with!
But hey...look oon the brighter side of things...we're better off without the jerks!
lets buddy up!!!!

My hubby started telling me that I've gained weight and that I should really try losing it because it was making me look unattractive. I was incensed.

He waffled around it for a while but he kept coming back to "well you have to admit, you *have* gained weight". After hearing this and hearing this and hearing this, I took a good long look and realized that he'd gained much more than I have. I realized that he was taking his dissatisfaction out on me.

I lost one single inch off my waist, then told him that when he does the same that he has a licence to make another comment, but until then, he needed to shut up about it.

It's been over two years and I haven't heard another peep.

I'm working on my own health because I live in this body and I want it to keep working well. I will *not* tolerate comments from the peanut galery and that fact that you asked doesn't make a difference. He should have said "you're beautiful" end of story.

SlimNStrong