Girl, i literally read the 1st two paragraphs of your story and I don't care how long you've been with him or how much you care about him. GET RID OF HIM!!! He obviously doesn't care about you that much and WHY in the world would you wanna be with anyone who isn't sexually attracted to you?!?!
What happens when you guys get married and you get pregnant?!?! He is bad bad news and is probably getting his kicks elsewhere. Don't be a fool!!!
I don't think everyone should be expected to "accept us as we are." I really don't. Everyone is different and has different thresholds for what they do or do not feel attractive.
That said, I think your boyfriend is verbally abusive and berates you. This is completely unacceptable. It makes me sad to read that you can't see this. Lose weight for you. Not because he's berating you into doing so. Or making you feel worthless for being overweight. I hope you will be successful. But, even more, I hope that you will work on learning that you have value and don't need to stand to be treated this way -- by anyone. You teach others how to treat you. And you don't have to accept this.
My husband is the same! Obviously our situation is more complicated with two kids and all, but the issue is the same... he is very vocal about his problem with my weight. He's committed to me and the kids, but he is not subtle about his thoughts on the subject... It's really hard to stay on track when I don't want him to see me reading about a new program, or recording anything, because I know he'll make a comment about how much my weight hurts him... ugh! Anyway, just wanted you to know that I totally know what you mean. Hope that 2010 takes you in the direction that YOU want!
I don't think everyone should be expected to "accept us as we are." I really don't. Everyone is different and has different thresholds for what they do or do not feel attractive.
Hang in there.
I agree that not everyone has to find everyone else attractive. I don't agree with those who are big and say they are "more womanly". I feel that is a bit of a way of deflecting pain and embarassment.
I think it is ok if a man (or woman), doesn't want to date someone who is bigger. But, once you are dating someone, if they gain weight, you either need to accept it and love them, or leave---you should not make them feel worse or feel as if they are not fully accepted. You should not dictate to them how you want them to be.
Again, I have known many men who are exactly as the OP described---they say they love you, and at the same time they damage your self-esteem by saying not so subtley that you aren't good enough for them.
I think this person is probably not the best for you in the long run.
Do you want to be one of those women trapped in a relationship because of low self-esteem? And sometimes I have seen in those situations where the man begins to control the woman more and more, because he has broken her spirit. Next thing you know it becomes an "open" relationship because the woman has been so broken emotionally that she doesn't feel she deserves any better.
take time for yourself and find a better guy. there are millions of men on this planet---do you think God would want you with someone like you describe?
You know we can all sit here and tell you how much of a of a rude moron your porker of a boyfriend is but you clearly already know that. As well for the fact that he's picking at your insecurities to bring you down because he's a pathetic accuse for a man. I won't give you advice on what you should do just simply because a lot of people here have and in the end you are the one who's either going to have to have enough self respect to walk away and move on with your life or you're going to stick with him. Truth is I agree with a lot of people on here you are hot, but we've all been there everyone can say you're sexy, the most beautiful whatever but as long as you have a moron in your life like that bring you down you will never feel it.
Truth is I work off of people negativity it seems to motivate me more because no matter where you go in life people will ALWAYS bring you down for some reason or another. I went home for xmas having my own mother tell me I was fat. Truth I already know that, people at work tell me that in not as much of a rude way none the less but they say it. The only person who doesn't call me fat is my boyfriend because he can't see it and sometimes I think he's demented but as people say if someone really loves you they love you for who you are not what they can change you to be.
But here's what I'd do.
Kick his sorry pathetic butt to the curb, but that's easier said then done soo on to plan B.
Keep him around, don't take his negative and allow it to bring you down. Prove him wrong. Loose the weight FOR YOURSELF, not any else because if your loosing the weight for your boyfriend or who ever eventually you'll gain it back. But as I said keep him around and just thrive on his negativity because while you are working out, eating healthy and loosing the weight chances are he will STILL be a porker.
Two he doesn't like fat sex? Don't have sex with him even when you loose the weight just leave him to hang to dry or come up with excuse's every time, **** use a shower head if your really in need of it. haha.
and three once you look good chances are you'll feel good and people will notice because your confidence level will go up and eventually you'll realize he's scum and there is so much more out there you'll finally dump his porker butt to the curb.
I dont want to upset anyoner here, however i have been married for almost 12 years to the same man, and I see all the weight I have put on has started to affect our relationship. I dont believe it is him that is unhappy with me, I am unhappy with myself and what I have done to my body, that makes him upset. I say all the time "i am going to workout" or "I am not going to eat as much" then I fail. I as his wife am being unfair to his needs by not caring about what I look like. He deserves a beautiful healthy wife that is happy. I do have to disagree with your boyfriend though because I think he is just using "your weight" as an excuse, and that isnt right. If he is so concerned about you, then he needs to be on your side and encourage you. My husband's comments dont always come across as supportive, but it is me that takes it the wrong way. However I am not doing this for him, this new lifestyle is for ME, and only ME!!! I have realized that I count too..
Kate: other posts like this have gone viral before, we 3fc-ers are very protective of those we have come to care about. So I wasn't surprised to see how many replies came so fast, but I'm wondering if you were. I think I would find it overwhelming. I think it is quite brave for the few who have some other opinions to share them too. That can't be easy.
First, I want to say that I think you are brave to make this post. You might not have expected the avalanche of replies you generated, but I don't think you would have asked the question without already knowing the answer. You know that his behaviour and attitude aren't usual or fair, or you wouldn't be asking about it.
That said, it is quite possible that he is taking out his own problems on you. This is where you need to figure out if there is enough positive stuff in this relationship to make you want to help him with his problems! Yes, I am turning this around. He has problems. If he is not getting sex elsewhere (gay, masturbating to porn, having an affair) he obviously has a very low sex drive. Was it higher in the early stages of your relationship? If it was, it is quite possible that his weight gain has raised his blood pressure, and he may have diabetes, both of which can cause impotence, as can depression, with is both a cause and effect of dramatic weight gain.
Since he has been turning this around into your problem, this may be a pattern for him, and is there enough good in this relationship for you to want to help him through this health problem and this mental health problem. No doubt he would need a lot of counselling to overcome this pattern of behaviour. Are you strong enough to do that?
You might need counselling yourself, both for your own self and to decide if you really want to salvage this relationship.
I also want to echo what so many have said, that you seem lovely and have a lot to offer, and deserve love, unconditional love. Your post makes me feel truly blessed to have the love I do, even though I have almost doubled my weight from when we started dating, 25 years ago. And makes me think about how much work I have put into the problems we have worked through, since my dh is not perfect, but loved with those flaws.
So in the end, you must find the strength to leave the toxic problem this has become, (and yes, with some tough love, you have allowed this to happen) or find the strength to stay to work on it. Staying and putting up with the negativity is an option none of us would recommend.
He probably has a woman on the side. because men (generally) don't refuse "it" with someone unless they got something else on the side. also he has some serious insecurity issues if he himself gained 60lbs and he feels the need and comfortable to critics you for your weight issues. He's just putting you down just so he can feel better about his weight gain.
continuing of ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Uhhhhh ACKK that makes me so furious how dare he HOW DARE HE! I've been there and it's so rude gosh I'm boiling reading that. I don't even know what to say but it makes me furious!!! You deserve so much better then that. I don't know you but from your pic your beautiful and that's all that counts and you need to be happy with you! Forget what he cares. And all this negativity won't help in the weight loss goal. Hes being harmful not helpful. I've been there sometimes it takes a while and you just must really get mentally focused who knows if I am I may be at square one again this time next year but just try and try for yourself at your own pace. And if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black boo hiss I'd love to just see him not condoning violence but maybe I'd hurt him with my words. This is what is wrong today with the world and society and women this causes problems whether it's binge eating or starving yourself. Men make women feel horrible about themselves when they can't even see what's their own problems. Uh maybe I'm rambling I'm just so mad. I think this calls for a break up and some major running on the treadmill or some kickboxing with some kick *** tunes to show yourself your stronger and better than him.
Peace love and Gaga!
Last edited by Patchouligroove; 01-06-2010 at 02:02 AM.
he is a moron..i just broke up with my bf of 3 years..i was overweight for half that relationship..and the only time he treated me like a proper girlfriend was now..when i am in a normal weight range...i wasted 3 years on my life on a man i thought i loved..sorry to put it so bluntly..but i wuld hate to see u do the same thing..
I didnt read this entire thread, I skimmed it... but I kinda want to tell everyone to shut up.
Listen, I have been and kinda still am in the same situation as you for the last 3 years. My boyfriend is attracted to very small, petite women. I'm 5'8" and at my heaviest with him, 230lbs (now 190lbs). He has made comments about my weight, our sex life, social life, family life, and future together that all connect back to me being over weight. But let me tell you something, I am so in love with him its ridiculous. I've been with him for over three years for a reason.
Many of you might hate what I'm about to say, but I'm still going to say it.
Look, part of our job/duties/whathaveyou as a partner and lover is to do our best to make our significant other happy. There is no beating around the bush. I'm overweight. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. I beat myself up in my head all the time, questioning my self-worth and sexual attractiveness- as I'm sure you do to. All women do! But it is very different when someone else says outloud what you've been thinking. I was hurt, livid, angry- HOW DARE HE!? But seriously... after a while of turning this over and over in my mind, I embraced a different frame of mind. "If I'm not happy with my body, how can I expect and DEMAND someone else to be?" Just changing MY attitude about my weightloss from a "oh poor me" to "I have what I have and I deserve to be the best possible version of me, and I want my lover to see the best possible version of me" ... my confindence did a 180. And men are attracted to confidence. Our sex life got better. My weight started to trickle away. And our relationship gets better every day.
He's still with you. Trust that he means it when he says he thinks you're beautiful. My bf and I made lists of what we love about each other and carry them around in our wallets. So whenever I feel like he's being critical of me, I pull out my list and its comforting. I see all of these wonderful words, in his writing, telling me how important I am to him and what makes him excited to be with me. We go through lingerie catalogs together and he dog-ears the things he think I'd look sexy in now... and I cut out the ones he thinks are ultimately sexy and use that as motivation- thats what I want to wear and look good for him in!
My bf also gained a lot of weight when we first got together. So when he became critical of me, I put my foot down. "Look- you've gained just as much if not more weight than I have. So if you want me to change, you have to be my partner and support... not my obstacle." We started reading weightloss books together, cleaned out our fridge and cupboards and went grocery shopping together. He still refuses to work out with me, but he's lost all that he gained, plus some. And so have I.
Also, you have to think, what kind of person is he? My bf's job is to point out the aesthetic and "usability" flaws in software. He is a very analytical, technical mind... and I'm a very carefree emotional mind. These differences make it difficult. He points out the flaws in EVERYTHING in life and thinks its his job to make it "right." He's adopted the "help me help you" philosophy and I feel even more motivation and inspiration from him when I see him really try to step back and support me the way that I need him to.
Bottom line: you're hurt, you're upset... and rightfully so. But dont necessarily think that this means that he's garbage, trash, and you should kick him to the curb immediately. You are with him for a reason, he is with you for a reason... and no one on the internet knows or can witness this relationship for themselves and has any right to judge or tell you what you should do. If its abusive, get out. But if you're in love with each other... then he will support you. God knows that every time my boyfriend said any of those same things, I was on an emotional tirade and would more or less "force it out of him" and he still feels intense guilt knowing that I walk around each day with those thoughts floating in my head. He doesnt want to hurt me. And I'm sure that your man is truthful when he says he doesnt want to hurt you.
I kinda see what you're saying b-bombshell. I alluded to it as well. If he's not attracted to her -- and he should not feel obliged to be, just because he loves her -- that doesn't make him a bad guy.
But he's withholding intimacy and deliberately berating her. He is, in essence, trying to shame or bully her into being what he wants... at a large emotional cost to her. That is not a good guy. I know it's not someone I'd want to see my mother or sister or close friend with for the rest of her life.
Last edited by rachinma; 01-06-2010 at 10:41 AM.
Reason: poor grammar & clarity
you know i agree with some of the posters saying everyone has a right to their own type. And I agree. Even though I'm overweight myself i still prefer thinner men. Which I why I'm trying to lose weight because I know most men like a thin woman as well.
But I wouldn't go out and date a overweight man and then belittle him and insult him about his weight.
What the OP's bf is doing is emotional abuse. He is not trying to help her or support her in losing weight he is putting her down. He claims to love her but doesn't want to introduce her to his family? The guy has got serious insecurity issues. If he is that attracted to her why isn't he just breaking it off? the right thing to do for him would to be just break it off and let her live her life without him insulting her. But no, he holds onto her because he's a insecure.
Come on now. There is a difference between wanting your spouse to look attractive and putting down your spouse all the time.
I know of tons of guys like this. they are insecure.
See- I'd take that as emotional abuse if it was in fact intentional berating meant to hurt her. But how I interpreted it was that he doesnt really want to say it and it hurts him to say it. Maybe I read it completely wrong.
Having been in the same situation (I believe I made a similar post to this when I first joined) most of those posts were made after I just drilled more negativity out him and it caused an argument. For a long time I was very self sabotaging and would pick and pick and pick at my boyfriend until he'd say all of the negative things about me again so I could reach this unhealthy, morbid motivation.
Withholding intimacy is never okay! And my man started to do the same thing, but mostly because I would freak out about him not wanting me and my attitude would make whatever attraction he DID have toward me vanish in the moment. While sex is very visual for men... its also partly mental. Even the hottest woman on earth can be found unattractive by her behaviour and reactions.
Thats not to say anyone should be blaming themselves, thats not my intention at all. I know that my boyfriend is with me because he loves ME. Me, who I am. My essence and soul. How many women in this world complain about men just wanting them for their body? Well... you cant force love with a person's soul the way you can be intimate with a physical body. So- if you have the love of true-self with each other... just work on that physical aspect of the relationship together.
Everyone couple has things they dont see eye to eye on, this one just happens to be more sensitive a topic than others.
Also- ask what his expectations ARE. I was very surprised at the answer i got. My boyfriend's exes are all 5'2" and under and 100lbs soaking wet. He told me that if I lost a few pounds, I'd be curvy and sexy like Clemmy from Reno 911! LOL! I was so shocked! That was the LAST thing I would've thought he'd have said!
There's got to be more to it than just her one post. And it was probably written in a moment of high emotional pain. When you can calm down enough, its helpful to step back and try your best to look at the situation as a whole and weight the pros and cons to assess whats really going on appropriately. Which is something only she can do.
Errrrrrrr
