That is NOT RIGHT! It's really messed up and I'm upset for you!
don't lose weight for him, leave him. It wont get better trust me. you're unhappy right now clearly he's unhappy so why stay together. You are BEAUTIFUL! ( from you icon) and you don't need him!
Ok, a guys point of view here, He's a moron and acting like a 15 year old in high school with that attitude...I just took a look at your profile and going off of the picture that you have there, I don't know how to break this to ya but you are a hottie (I am happily married to my own hottie so its ok for me to say that ) and you wouldn't have an issue finding someone that would love ya unconditionally because what you wrote says that he has certain conditions for which you must fall under in order to get 100% from him. I recently looked at a picture of my wife from a time when she was heavier and thought "I do not remember her ever being that big" and its because I love her unconditionally, she is the love of my life no matter what the wrapper on the outside looks like.
He seems to be a hypocrite as well if he has put on 60 pounds since you met, sounds like the pot calling the kettle black and perhaps he is projecting some of his insecurities in your direction, try telling him that his little man is starting to look like a short stack of quarters behind the chub and watch the look on his face, then ask him how he liked that comment, and you say that "he had made it very clear that he loves me" how so? by belittling you? or making you feel the need to ask for opinions on a forum? or making you feel all warm inside when he says that you embarrass him? or or or or......
Jay makes some good points as well and one has nothing to do with the other because weight loss is not a part of a relationship in my humble opinion, the Jack in the box issue and the boyfriend are not the same problem BUT one of them can be and probably is effecting the other...when you don't feel good about yourself the trips to Jack in the box can and will get more frequent.
if I come off blunt thats just me
As Ever
Me
I agree with what most everyone else has said.. but I like ^that^ because it's from a guys point of view!
I couldn't find ONE positive thing about him in what you wrote. IMHO, he doesn't deserve you. Who is he to set rules for how you have to be? Girl, the only person you should have to answer to is YOU. It sounds like he does plenty to bring you down, but nothing to help you. You've got to follow your heart and do whats right for you, but remember to listen to your head. You're smart and you know that you're trying.. but it will do you no good if the only person you're trying for is HIM.. try to remember, love is blind.
Just like some of the other girls said.. if it were me, I'd leave him and be HAPPY AS H*LL to do it.
I hope everything works out.. even if you do end up staying with him (as long as YOU are truly HAPPY) You are BEAUTIFUL and you deserve to be treated like a QUEEN. You know we're here for you and support you!
First I want to say wow! If my boyfriend ever came out and said the things yours has said to you I think I would just die. No one has the right to put anyone else down like that especially someone they love. I know my boyfriend doesnt find me sexually attractive and honestly I dont either. When we first got together I remember he had a sign u that said no fat chicks! and I remember being so scared that the second he saw me naked it would all be over. He has expressed a few times (not recently) that maybe I should lose weight but never in a negative way but more in a you need to be healthy so you dont get heart disease way. If he keeps making comments about your weight I think you need to come out and say something about the 60 lbs he needs to lose.
Aw, hon, you deserve so much better. Every woman does.
Sometimes the best way to get an outside perspective on something that is so personal to you is to think of what you would tell your best friend if they came to you with the same problem. Would you tell her she deserved to be talked to that way?
Sweetheart, I am very new to this site.....but my goodness I am not new to life....you are much to young and beautiful to tolerate this behavior. This in my opinion is abuse. I do not mean to be harsh but he does not love you. Kick him to the curb and spend your time on you and finding someone worthy to spend it with.....life is just to short....fat or thin! Good Luck.
For what it's worth (because I don't know enough about the situation to be confident in my advice applying to your situation).
I'm wondering if his own weight gain is actually behind his dislike (sounds more like fear) of fat sex. He may not have the strength and stamina he used to, or the weight can actually cause impotence because of the hormone imbalance.
If issues of weight are really the only problem in your relationship (he doesn't criticise you in other aspects of your person or behavior), and if he isn't controlling or unsympathetic in other areas of your life together, I would strongly suspect this is about HIS weight (and there might be some hope for change). If he's not open to change or if he's abusive in other ways, my advice really doesn't apply (personally, I wouldn't be able to live with someone like this).
The distinction is very important, because if you think he really does consider himself perfectly fine, but your 15 pounds are really the problem - if he expects perfection from you, but he's fine the way he is - that is the kind of abuse that isn't going to change; and you have to decide whether it's ok with you to be abused. And if you have or want to have children with him, are you ok with your children witnessing abuse (and likely becoming victims themselves or learning to be abusers and abuse victims themselves. Or are you willing to choose not to have children so that you and your husband don't teach your children to to be abusers and abuse victims.
Only you can choose whether to accept this kind of abuse or not. I can't make the choice for you, but I wouldn't accept that for myself. I can only tell you what I would do in your situation, so here it is for what it's worth.
If I didn't trust that he would be willing and open to change, I would leave. Life is too short to be treated like crap by the person who is supposed to love you the most.
If I could say that he's really a great guy except for this one area (and assuming that he would work on stopping the abusive behavior and comments when I bring it to his attention and was cooperative when I encouraged him to doctor and/or psychologist if necessary), then I would do this:
I would say or write (probably write, at least the first time, because I've found that I can express my concerns and feelings without being interrupted and without sounding accusatory. I've found that for myself and hubby, a letter or even email is less likely to errupt into an argument).
Dear, I've been wanting to say this for some time, but didn't know how to. Maybe writing it down will be easier than trying to say it, though I'd like to discuss this after you've read it.
All the time you've been so critical of my weight loss efforts, and pointing out how I'm failing to meet your expectations, and telling me that you didn't like "fat sex," I've been thinking all of that was about me - and maybe you were thinking that too.
But, I've come to realize this isn't about ME, it's about you. I know it's about you, because you've gained four times the weight I have since we met - and you've never lost or attempted to lose the weight. That tells me that all the critical and unkind comments you've been making about me, you've really been trying to make about yourself. I do understand your feelings, but it's hurting me and making me very angry that you're being so unkind about my efforts - when I don't see you putting in any effort at all. I can't lose your weight for you, it's hard enough to lose my own.
A lot of men DO find me very attractive, in fact recently I was just called a hottie by a married man married to a beautiful woman himself - so I KNOW this isn't about me being unattractive. So your feelings of disliking "fat sex" have to be about your fat, not mine. In fact, I'm wondering if the extra 60 lbs you're carrying is actually causing you impotence and that is the real problem. It could be depression or it could be the hormone changes that extra weight bring. I can understand if that's what's going on, but you've got to tell me the truth, and we've got to deal with these problems. I don't want to be married to a man who is going to blame his problems on me instead of facing them head on. I'm happy to work with you, but I can't be your scapegoat any longer."
Wow- I echo with all the others (and hope you haven't been scared off) that the guy you are with isn't a good guy.
His concern about your weight has nothing to do with you- only with him. He talks about how HE looks next to you, how HE is embarassed, how HE doesn't want the family to see you, and so on. I mean this sounds offensive but a girl with any sense of self-respect would never let a guy treat her that way!
Sounds like he's taken away a lot of your self esteem without you realizing it.
I think you need to ask him what HE is going to do about HIS fat- you say he's gained 60 lbs, well how does he feel about that? Does he think it's okay for a guy to be fat but not a woman? There are some men out there like that...
Honestly I'd be packing my bags and moving home if I were in your shoes.
My thoughts? My husband knew me when I was a size 4...now I'm a 22. He loves me unconditionally, but he also has gained quite a bit of weight. It sounds to me like he's holding you responsible for gaining weight and not himself. Chances are, he is even more comfortable about the 60 pounds he has gained, but he is too proud to take responsiblity for his part. It's easier for people like that to point fingers elsewhere when they know they have their own work to do. No one here really has all of the details or insight to truly give you sound advice to follow other than to follow your heart. Just remember one thing...it's better to be alone and happy than be with someone who hurts you. Being alone is a scary thing, I know, but it might be healthier for you.
I don't know if this is the same guy you talked about previously that used to make you cry and feel like you weren't good enough but I have to say that it seems to me that you have low self esteem, which many of us do. I think you need to realize that love and a relationship shouldn't make you feel like this guy makes you feel. He is definitely in the wrong. I would agree with the others in that you need to move on and find someone who will love you for who you are instead of trying to blame you for their own short falls.
1) A total jerk
or
2) Gay and doesn't know it... or is scared to come out of the closet.
ps. Someone that makes you feel bad about yourself isn't who you should be with. Sorry you have to put up with this crap.
Sorry for a million edits but
Quote:
Originally Posted by KateRN
He has every right to feel that way (i think?) and in a way, part of me thinks he is right. I do have weight to lose, it's probably not very attractive, if i were him, would I want to "do-it" with me? But I also wonder if that isn't just me making excuses for him, maybe allowing something that I shouldn't be allowing and maybe its just my "fat girl insecurity" talking...?
WHAT?! I must have skimmed over that bit but WHAT?!?! What would YOU say to someone in your position that thought this about their situation?
Last edited by dayoneagain; 01-04-2010 at 03:44 PM.
Tell him to hit the road if he can't love you the way you are then forget him. I feel bad for you but my girlfriend did exactly what you're doing and wound up divorced. He always said everything would be OK if she lost weight.
First of all, it will never cease to shock me how many women (especially overweight women) settle for less than they deserve. Society has taught us that since we're fat, we don't deserve to have everything we want, so we punish ourselves by staying with people who aren't worth our time. Why? Because we're fat so no one else will want us.
Second of all, is this guy perfect? Does he have the best job and body and personality and attitude? Doesn't sound like it. Relationships are not about only loving and accepting the BEST parts of your SO, they're also about accepting their flaws. I love my husband more than anything, but he has certain habits that irritate the **** out of me. I didn't marry him so that I could fix him and make him perfect, I married him because I loved him the way he was. Annoying habits are part of his personality, and since I'm not perfect, I can't expect him to be.
I will say that he did push me to lose weight. But instead of saying things to make me feel bad about myself, he said things like "I could not care less how much you weigh but I know it's really making YOU unhappy". If I had been walking around at 220 feeling great about myself with a smile on my face it never would have been an issue.
The sex thing is ridiculous. The only thing my husband complained about when I was at my high weight was that I didn't want the lights on any more. He also hated it that I felt so bad about myself that *I* didn't want to have sex. The only complication it caused in my marriage was that he felt like I wasn't doing it enough any more because I was too insecure and he wanted more!
So now time for some tough love. STOP cowering beneath this jerk. Are you less than other women because you're overweight? If you were 5'10 and 115 lbs with model good looks would you put up with him? If the answer to that is no, then why are you putting up with him now? I'd tell him to go find Heidi Klum if he's so obsessed with looks and see if she's interested in his fat ***.
If you were 5'10 and 115 lbs with model good looks would you put up with him? If the answer to that is no, then why are you putting up with him now? I'd tell him to go find Heidi Klum if he's so obsessed with looks and see if she's interested in his fat ***.
I loved your post but I really agree with this part 100%- if you weren't overweight would you deal with this abuse? Cuz if it's not weight it'll be something else.
Kate, im pretty sure you had a good idea of the direction this thread was going to go....i just hope you can find the strength to do whats best for you...who knows, maybe youll find it when you reach your goal...im willing to bet that he'll change his tune then, but in my opinion its too late for him....best wishes!!!
) and you wouldn't have an issue finding someone that would love ya unconditionally because what you wrote says that he has certain conditions for which you must fall under in order to get 100% from him. I recently looked at a picture of my wife from a time when she was heavier and thought "I do not remember her ever being that big" and its because I love her unconditionally, she is the love of my life no matter what the wrapper on the outside looks like. 
