What happens WHEN you lose the weight? Ideally he'd be thrilled, right? You'd be his girlfriend in public and things would go great. But you'll likely loose some in the boob area. Then what if they're too small and he isn't attracted to you because they're not big? Will you get implants for him? What if when you lose weight he thinks you're too "bony"? Will you regain weight for him?
Also, and I almost hate to even bring this up...but a lot of people will regain some or all weight they lost during the journey, and have start again. IF that happened to you, would he cut you off sexually again? Stop taking you out? Tell his friends you're gone until you lose again?
Yea, and what about if you get pregnant and gain 40 lbs during your pregnancy? Will it be no sex again until you return to your pre-pregnancy weight?
...told me "I just don't like wrapping my arms around a girl who is as wide as I am." and " I just don't like fat sex!! " .... and thus, we have had zero intimacy for a very very very long time.
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Originally Posted by KateRN
He explains that I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60 and I haven't said a word other than to invite him to the gym with me) and although I wasn't thin when we got together he was "always just waiting for me to fix that part".
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Originally Posted by KateRN
At what point is this OK? When is it OK for your significant other to feel, do (or not do!!!), say etc... these things to you?
You do not deserve that. Personally, I think your boyfriend sounds immature and insecure -- he can't introduce you to people because he's ashamed of your weight? Seriously? He can't have sex with you because he doesn't like putting his arms around you? He's waiting for you to fix your "problem" before he can commit to treating you like a girlfriend that he's happy and proud to be with? Please.
I had a boyfriend once who didn't want me to meet his friends or family because he thought they'd make fun of me and he wanted to "protect me" from them. He wasn't a boyfriend for long.
I think you're right to expect that the person you love should treat you with respect and love, no matter what size you are. Life brings too many changes for someone to use weight as an excuse to not give their all to a relationship. What if you lost the weight, you guys were all happy and got married, and you got pregnant? Would he be ashamed of you if you gained a lot of weight again? Would he make you feel like crap for having a thick waist, or jiggly boobs?
Personally, next time he said that he didn't like fat sex, I'd pat his tummy and tell him may be it was time he enjoyed sex and stopped worrying about the fat part. (Although, I can almost guarantee he wouldn't like that at all).
It's possible that he'll grow up and get over the weight issue, or that you'll get tired of it and talk it through to a positive resolution with him. It's also possible that there are many much better men in the world that deserve a wonderful woman like you. Either way, I hope that you don't let his judgement affect your desire to be healthy for yourself.
What a sticky situation. I thought I'd post b/c lately I've been thinking a lot about the men/weight situation.
I don't have a bf now, but there is someone I'm interested in, that I've known for a couple years (I've posted about him before). Sometimes I feel he's interested, sometimes I feel that my weight has been getting in the way and that he couldn't possibly be attracted to me. However, over the past couple of months I've begun to recognize the importance of confidence. I know it's a cliche, but it just hit me the other day: when I meet a guy, the no.1 thing I look for is confidence. and at my highest weight, I did not have any confidence towards my guy friend (as far as feeling attractive.) He would try and touch me and I might pull away, and looking back I feel like I gave off this air of "I'm insecure, I know I'm not attractive, don't touch me."
Obviously, I'm feeling better these days. What only further proved me point was the other wknd I went out to the bar with some of my gf's. Yes, I had had quite a few beverages, so I had that liquid courage in me... but, (and according to my friends who like to retell the story) something just came over me, i threw off my jacket, and went up and started dancing with this guy who I would have NEVER approached before, and by the end of the night, there was some kissing involved (not my finest night...) I have NO idea what came over me, and i'm happy my mother wasn't there to witness this lol, but had I acted insecure and waited for him to approach me, nothing would have happened. He even got my number, continued to text and call me (we've since lost contact...with my new found confidence and body I don't want to tie myself down now!)
At the same time, with my guy friend, I sometimes get mad and think "well if he doesn't want me now he doesn't deserve me at my goal weight." However, and this is big, I have never pursued/like an overweight guy. I know, this makes me sound like a hypocrit and a shallow person, but I just haven't. Just like I prefer slightly shorter guys to taller guys, darker complexion to fairer complexions.
However, to make things more confusing, I look at my parents who have been happily married for 30 years. On their wedding, my mom probably weighed at most 125 lbs (she's 5'6). After two kids, she's gained probably about 100 lbs, and my dad still adores her. Still kisses her (although it makes me ill to think about that). Would still do ANYTHING for her. And of course, I want that in a guy. I pray I don't ever gain the weight back, but as someone mentioned before, I wouldn't be the first.
Bottom line is, I think it's a tricky situation. I understand that some people are only attracted to fit people (I have been known to be guilty of that...) but I think if you really love someone and the person has the confidence to still FEEL attractive even at a higher weight, it can work. I hope this makes sense. It's something I've been spending A LOT of time thinking about lately.
Ewwww. Sounds like he's addicted to porn. Seriously. Most guys will have sex with any size chick when they've gone without for awhile...except the porno junkies. Anyway, seriously, like Mindi said, there is NO WAY to determine that you'll not regain your weight, (after you lose it). The odds are against you at only 2-4% of the overweight population maintaining weight loss for a substantial amount of time. More than likely, this will be a forever battle with you... According to your pictures and your stats you are an attractive and intelligent person...lots of guys would be thrilled to love you (and have sex too!) Are you really an RN? Could your guy be attracted to your pay check...since he not attracted to you physically?
This guy is cruel, not to mention rude. Why would you want someone like that in your life ? You will never be able to meet his expectations. If it isn't your weight it will be something else. You deserve someone who will love and accept you, no matter what.
If not your weight it will be something else. It will always be something else.
Kate, you are deserving of so much more. You deserve to be loved and accepted. I hope you can find this and Mr. Wonderful can go about his merry way trying to find someone else he can badger.
Lori originally postedSounds like he's addicted to porn. Seriously. Most guys will have sex with any size chick when they've gone without for awhile...except the porno junkies.
I had a thought along the same lines... could he be gay or have
ED or something else that is causing problems with intimacy? Sometimes it is easier for a person to blame someone else rather than to recognize an issue with ourselves. It may be easier for him to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with you." than to say "We aren't having sex because there is something wrong with me."
he got with you, knowing you were overweight, and says he is not attracted to overweight girls? He's "waiting for that part of you to change?" What if you did not decide to lose weigth at all? You would never "change." Sorry, I tend to get in the crowd that says he was not a "boyfriend" at all and is more a "housemate."
I think he is toxic. There is a big difference between honesty and false honesty. I've been married for 18 years and yes there was a time when my weight was an intimacy issue. Probably far more because of how I felt about it than how he felt about it.
But being embarrassed to introduce you to his friends? Refusing intimacy? Being embarrassed that someone he doesnt know who HAPPENS to work at fast food knows you? Seriously? No. This is not honesty, this is something else entirely. Either control or he cant get past some other personal issue that has nothing to do with you and is passing the buck. Either way you could be 120 lbs and there would still be problems and it would still be "your fault". Maybe when you are thin it will be "I cant be intimate with you because I know other guys are looking at you" or "your clothing isnt right" or "it bothers me that as a nurse you deal with disease" The weight is just a convenient complaint. Take it away and there will be something else.
Everyone else has pretty much said exactly what I'm thinking! He's a scumbag, you're beautiful and this weight loss should be for you. Get away from him and one day you'll find someone who actually deserves you and treats you right, no matter what weight you are!
Okay this is hard but speaking from experience - married to a guy for 24 years who has been criticizing my weight since I weighed 120 pounds - his problem is him not you! If I had it to do all over again I would RUN not walk away from this. Now moving on and making plans for myself because you cannot make another person "happy" they have to do it for themselves! Do it for yourself only!
Personally, next time he said that he didn't like fat sex, I'd pat his tummy and tell him may be it was time he enjoyed sex and stopped worrying about the fat part. (Although, I can almost guarantee he wouldn't like that at all).
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Okay this is hard but speaking from experience - married to a guy for 24 years who has been criticizing my weight since I weighed 120 pounds - his problem is him not you! If I had it to do all over again I would RUN not walk away from this. Unfortunately I didn't! Now moving on and making plans for myself because you cannot make another person "happy" they have to do it for themselves! Do it for yourself only!
When I saw the thread topic I imagined a thread about you saying he wants you to lose weight for your health and happiness, or that he wants you to gain confidence. I was heartbroken when I read your post that he wants you to lose weight because he just doesn't like fat girls. The way he's speaking to you, and tearing you down is completely unacceptable. You're man should NEVER make you feel unattractive! What you're describing sounds nothing like love to me.
Personally, I think your boyfriend sounds immature and insecure -- he can't introduce you to people because he's ashamed of your weight? Seriously? He can't have sex with you because he doesn't like putting his arms around you? He's waiting for you to fix your "problem" before he can commit to treating you like a girlfriend that he's happy and proud to be with? Please.
(Although, I can almost guarantee he wouldn't like that at all).
