Good afternoon chicks

AuntyJam - there are certain things that we just can't accept, and I see that the cedar tree is one of them for you because it was the house you grew up in, those trees grew up with you, I also would probably be unforgiving because it's something you HAVE to see every day! I don't know if time will help; it has helped me in things that I thought I absolutely could not forgive or forget...time does have a way of doing that..but for a real solution, I don't know what to suggest..possibly just taking it down completely and finding some other species that might grow well there? do you have a pic that maybe we could study and give suggestions..I don't know. About the carpet, I guess we see that it could be solved by buying new, but that involves $$. I don't know what else to say but I am sorry

hope - I'm sorry you're struggling!! Is it too hot for you to work out? I was able to use that excuse, until we got an a/c in the living room and DH doesn't mind if the electric bill is high, so that blows my good excuse out the window. Sometimes we know that even though we DON"T WANT TO WORK OUT, we always feel better after we get it done. Before we got the a/c, I would soak my workout bra and shorts in COLD water, put them on, and put as many fans on me as I could as I worked out ghetto a/c! If you are not doing well with eating, where is it that you're slipping? in-between meals because you're hungry, or in evenings when you're bored?..sometimes if we can identify WHY we're going off-track, we can wrestle ourselves back.

momof4 - ugh, what is it about husbands, and putting things off?? I will nicely ask for help in something like changing a car headlight bulb...weeks go by...I go out and buy the bulb...weeks go by...I make an appointment and PAY a mechanic to do what I know he could do in 10 minutes!! and I feel that they are either pitying me or scorning my inability but it needed to get done.

ravengirl - you live in Hawaii???? how awesome is that?!? You're right about making ourselves realize our blessings.it does help.

well I was cussing at whoever left the house this morning last, they left windows open and shades up and fans blowing IN, so the house if so flippin hot!! but 'my blessings' are that I can change into sparse clothes, and put the a/c on! and get on the computer and relax with my 3fc chicks

Hi chicks - I've been away a few days on holiday, and back home now. It was really very nice to get a change of scene. I am exactly the same weight as when I left, so at least the scales didn't go up!

How is everyone?

Hi everyone

I'm trying not to think about the lengthening shadows outside. Summer is just to short here.
I got the cpap machine on mon for a 4wk trial. So far, not liking it much.
I still haven't made any headway on that exercise thing. One good thing, I've almost got the treadmill freed. Its been surrounded by boxes for the longest of times. There is hope!!

Hope I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I think you need to reset some goals, look how great you did with the contest at work. Even if its just to get enough water in for the day, its something (I think I need to do the same thing) You can do it.

Raven, not to much longer before the big move. I'm so happy to hear that your hubby's mri is still clear. Excellent.

mom, Vermont, aunty jam, Heather and everyone else- I hope things are going good or better.

Well I should get off of here and get some cleaning done. I haven't gotten much of anything done and I have to go back to work tomorrow. Oh well.

Take care everyone,
K

Just thought I would share my "stupid me" moment! So yesterday I all of a sudden gained three pounds over night, was really tired, a little depressed and craving chocolate. Oh, and my face was breaking out really badly for the past week! I was so worried that my depression was coming back or that something was wrong. Then I wake up this morning and realize that its that time of the month! I am such a dummy! I was on the depo shot for the past 4 years and stopped getting my period all together so I have just started getting normal periods again. So typical for me to make a mountain out of a molehill!!

Hello Everybody!

Last couple of days I have been eating until I burst...yeah...binge city... I have emotions coming up with the last days at work...my Dad started his Gleevec and seems to be doing okay with it. I had an emotional episode with my boss because she had been telling me that I would get to take any jobs with my last dog this week and then she gave the jobs to one of the new sitters. I did meet the sitter at the house on Wed and went along so that I got to say goodbye to my dog...I think she was confused about why I was there...I don't know what else to tell her when I had already told her I was just there to see the dog. Anyway, that was yesterday, I was okay until he came around the corner for the last look...(he watches me go out the door) and then I just lost it. I laid on the couch eating whatever was left in the kitchen and sleeping it off the rest of the afternoon. Not the most productive thing... I guess I am a little better today but the urge to comfort eat has still been riding me and I have been giving in. I keep telling myself that every moment is a new opportunity and I am refusing to beat myself up...there has been way too much of that in my life and I refuse to do it any more. I am doing the best that I can and that is enough. Maybe things will be better when we get settled in our new home...maybe I will finally get the dog that I have always needed...maybe my knee will finally allow me to get back to the exercise that makes me sane.

Yes...we have lived in Hawaii for four years... And I am more than ready to leave. I am not a hot weather person...I am not an ocean or beach person. I love trees...forests...mountain lakes are my water of choice... We are going to a place that will be within driving distance to Redwood trees!!! You can't get any more sacred than that for me so I am very happy to be leaving this place.
Where we are going will be hot as well...but not 12 months of the year...I will get cold weather at least some of the time and I am so very looking forward to that again... I am one of those weird people who actually feel better in the winter... I don't think it is reverse SAD exactly but it is pretty close... The constant summer has been a small **** for me. And I am entering perimenopause and experiencing hot flashes...even more fun.

Still in a bit of a funk...sorry about that guys....

ugh I once again sat here after midnight eating another meal. I feel so discusted and ill I want to go throw up.......I am sure I have some binge eating issues...dont always do it to where I cant eat anymore...but I do the whole hiding while I eat, eat at night...etc. For the first time tonight I really feel like my weight is unattractive to my dh. Hes always said it doesnt bother him and it doesnt seem to...but something happen (nothing major) but im not quite sure...

I say oh I WANT to lose the weight but if I really WANTED to...wouldn't I be eating properly about 75% or more of the time and excercising atleast a FEW days a week? I cant stand walking because I feel stupid not being able to breath and having to explain myself. Then I have a retreat I am going to the last weekend in sept (6 weeks). 30lbs is like the average I have seen lost in 6 weeks with LOTS of discipline. I normally wouldnt worry about it but one I HAVE to go...doing a dance there...then they just got this new swing that is like a team work and trusting your team. You tell them how high you want to go and they have to pull you up....Some of the people from the retreat already were like Jess is doing it theres no getting out of it...If I still weigh this I will probably CRY and break down. I have over 30lbs to lose to get out of the 200's....
then I feel sooo drained, no energy, blah EVERY day...I need to do the juice fast for I dont know 6 weeks...LOL ok I wasnt actually laughing kinda on the verge of crying...

yeah Im gonna go now cause this post is such a downer as if the rest of you arent having hard times or busy...ok lata

Ravengirl...I see your point..one person's 'heaven' can be another person's small ****, I am glad that you will be living in a place that will be better for your spirit. I dont' quite understand the situation with the dog..did you have to give up your dog because of moving?

momof4 - for me, somehow there was one day where I just was able to stick to my resolve for that one day..and I told myself "okay...I did what I was supposed to for one day...now just do that again" and that's how I was able to do it. But with many slip ups along the way, but tried to keep the big picture in mind. Have had to TEAR myself away sometimes from wanting food when I wasn't hungry, wasn't even bored, just because it was THERE..like a piece of peanut butter toast at 10 pm, just because DH had one. Forced myself to walk away..then later thought "hey, I'm okay without having that".

Seeing progress for myself took so long, I'm a slow loser, so it really helped when I would exercise consistantly, because I was able to at least feel a difference and that helped..my knees, my back.

we are here for you

I dont know what to do to get away from it....I cant sleep very early and from eating late night I am now hungry so if I try and ignore it I end up laying in bed for an hour until I finally get up and eat. Darius on BL made sense when he gained the weight at home he said when he would eat dinner at 5 pm and stay up till 3 YOUR GONNA be hungry. Thats where I am...I cant sleep, dont want to sleep because everyone is in bed and that is the ONLY time I have quiet. I feel kinda trapped at the moment. I KNOW the food I eat is really truly like poison to my body COMPLETELY bad for me and makes me feel tired and no energy...Yet I still eat it! Thats why I really think I need to just juice fast for ATLEAST 3 days (id like to do ALOT more) Because right now i need to break the addiction of food. I cant just "eat" right or eat a little...I either eat it ALL or NOT at ALL! I dont know...I love my kids but wish I had taken more time in betweeen and took care of my body cause each one RIGHT after one another did NOT help!


ps. I am in such a fowl mood and mean n nasty...all because of this...I am sure all the crap I ate last night is affecting my mood. My boys are doing some things to push me over the edge. I have nicely explained I am not having a good day to please just do what mom asked and they are still screwing around. I have a picnic to go to at 3 and havent been home most of the week so the house is trashed....I think I need to get done and go play the piano at church because its a great stress reliever! Wow I am not in a Good place at all today......a day I wish I could just put the kids a movie on and go sleep on the couch...be better for them and me...I hate how much control food has over me...I SHOULDNT HAVE TO be like this all because I cant control food......I cant get outta the picnic because I have the burgers that my mom is cooking.

Sorry, I guess you all caught my binging disease. I see unfortunately many of you are struggling too. I've gotten a little better on the workouts which is good. Vermont, the heat is ridiculous here but we have the AC pumping and I workout indoors. That was never my excuse. I never really had a good one. I just didn't do it. Working out helps keep my depression at bay, as long as I work out pretty hard and really sweat. I have a tendency to want to hide some of this eating behavior too Momof4, especially with so many people watching me because of the recent weight loss. I can tell that df is afraid I'm going back to my old ways too. I know he's worried and has said a couple of things but is afraid to say too much.

Momof4, yeah, it's weird. I know the bad food is like poison. It ruins my mood, my body, and makes me want to hide and do nothing. Yet I still shovel it in.
Tomorrow is another day however. Part of me is planning my workout and some light meals, part of me is hoping for pancakes at IHOP.

I went with a friend today after work to put her dog to sleep. I think I cried more than she did. I had a terrible headache afterward. That's just one of the hardest things to go through.

Heather, glad you got to get away. I'm envious.

I'll try to check in regularly again. I've been reading but didn't have the will to post for some reason.

Hang in there, chickies!!

I'm trying again - that's all it is about, after all, right? Starting each day out in an attempt to stay on track. I have done an hour on the treadmill, and I seem to have lost my appetite - a good combination!

Happy Saturday! It's 30 degrees here.

heather-30 degrees? WHAT NO!!!! That is not cool at all. Wish I could say I did an hour on the treadmill.

So yeah I am still struggling MAJORLY. I dont know if this is a bout of depression or what but I am trying to ignore it but its not really going away

My dh has been very moody lately. For probably over a month. On my bday when he kept going from all lovey then flipping out bout stuff and back and forth I was just like you are moody. he denied it then later said he didnt know what was the matter maybe it was midlife hes 36 didnt really think it happen till a little later? But He has this thing where last year he went on a 40 day fast. Lost like 40 lbs and after his eating hasnt been the same. He will only eat a meal a day and then obsesses over the calories...even though he hasnt even hit 500 for the whole day. He has signs of anorexic. It doesnt mean your a stick...its obsessing over calories...seing yourself as fat when your not, MOOD swings...etc... Not saying he is but honestly if your not giving your body the right things (the meals he does eat arent the greatest and usually arent big) then its going to not function right.
Last night was bad....when the kids do something its automatic mean and loud tone. Like me yes I get loud and mean but its usually after I am pushed over the edge. Its like he lives hanging from the edge.
So tonight I thought I would make it different and have a special night for him. He said last night that he feels like we all sit on our butts while he works his off all day. I had the kids get him a bath and I made his fav. lasagna with watermelon as an appetizer. oreo pudding as a dessert, the kids made him cards, I made cupcakes for later, We rented a movie and watched it. The night went fairly well. I made sure I had everything cleaned up and dishes done laundry going. He snapped one or two times. Well I came down while my boys were getting their shower and asked him something simple as when do they have a talk about body parts. Like the lil boys getting hard? So uncomfortable to even think about having to deal with. He was like they have it since they were little he doesnt understand it...blah blah blah. I was like I was just asking...Im not a boy and just wanted to know. Hes like why do you always do this..i said WHAT...hes like everytime something happens you are going on what about this what about that. Tonight all I was doing was asking a question I understand my lil boy doesnt have a clue. I was just asking...But it never used to be why do you always....There things he does that drive me crazy but its just him and how he is no point in asking him why he always does it....so instead of fighting about it i said whatever im going to bed and he was like why do you have to be a baby about it? It wasnt me being a baby there was no point in fighting.
I am not unhappy and neither of us plan on divorcing but just frustrated. We have four kids, youth pastors, homeschool, he works 50 hours a week plus drives 10...I say about dates and he shrugs them off. When we have them we just talk and whatever. Yes we have sex (tmi) so I know its not completely dead but he wasnt a real romantic person so I write it off as that but I dont want to be the couple that once the kids are gone we just fall apart....in the last 6 years hes asked me out on 1 date and planned 1 anniversary (our 2nd) Thats it. I have asked him to try harder but he just seems like he cant. Like even when we have money he doesnt stop to get a card like he used to. Me I do but kinda gave up on the dates, the messages, the little notes, the cards...cause its hard to keep doing it when theres not much in return. I know he loves me. In the last year he has bought me flowers for a holiday, made a power point just because, and asked me out to dinner on my birthday. For my birthday party he tried to do a suprise one and got 2 families to my parents and one friend. He only invited 4 families? Dont get me wrong im grateful and YES YES its the thought that counts...but when things seem halfway done it seems like you dont care....

The difference from when he was doing all that till now is less kids and less weight? So does it really matter to him. We are not yellers and screamers when we fight. I have learned to walk away and cool down because people say things they shouldnt when they are angry. I think in the almost 9 years we have been married I have screamed in a fight maybe 3 times (2 being pregnant).

SO SORRY to vent and you dont have to read it all. But there is no one else. Our lives are suppose to be role models for others but I just worry. Like if you dont change the oil in a car it ends up breaking down...same thing in a marriage.

I feel like deleting my last post...maybe later when I get home... Just feeling blah. Have to go teach kids church....lata

Really quick, I just got home from work and gotta be back at 5am. I'll get back to the rest of you tomorrow hopefully.

Momof4, don't feel like you should delete your post. I wish I could get all my crap out like that, I'd probably feel better. It's got to be a lot of pressure being in the role model situation b/c you feel like you can't admit to anyone that things aren't perfect all the time. You can always vent here. Relationships are always hard but you guys have a lot on your plate with the church, kids, and home schooling. Anybody can be moody at times but sounds like he needs to do some more listening to you rather than talking. Your right, his calories sound way too low. That could be contributing to his mood swings. He needs to get better nutrition and that would probably help somewhat and probably needs some kind of frustration outlet other than getting stressed out with the kids. Hang in there.

Gotta go to bed. Keep us posted.

Aw thanks hope...I actually came back in tonight to delete my post because I am feeling better since I got it out and dont want to drag everyone else down with such a crappy post...you brought tears to my eyes.
I tried telling him tonight as he is checking the calories on his green tea that his lack of calories and nutrition is probably causing his mood swings hes like no im just frustrated. I get it Im not saying he doesnt have any reason to be frustrated but I also am frustrated with myself for not getting more done...all excuses aside I spend more time on the computer than I need to! School starts in a week so I am trying a trial run this week but I also need to have better nutrition so I dont have all the highs and lows and keep my mood and energy up! he only ate like one meal today and hes worried about his calories...What A MESS! Thanks again hope!

Hey Chickies!

First of all...HUGS MOM!!! Yikes! I am sorry you are dealing with that...so very sorry...that's all I got...I know, so much help right?

Things are coming to a head here with the move very soon, lots of last minute stuff to do! I am going to be really busy for awhile but I may or may not have access to internet but I will check in if I can

VermontMom....I worked for a Dogwalking company and I call them all "my dogs" they are just my clients but I get very attached to them...very good for my clients...bad for my heart sometimes...

Things are going okay...I got to spend some time with my friend last night... Eating has still been bad. My jeans don't fit...I thriew a major tantrum but I have since gotten over it somewhat. I will do better when I can get back to my workouts, I am cutting myself some slack with all that I am dealing with... Loving myself enough to not let things feel worse.

Ugh, I think the chicken I ate for dinner disagreed with me so I am going to go...I just wanted to say hi to everyone...hang in there to the people who are struggling and letting you know that I will be around....