atleast my weight is stay pretty steady and not just going back up to 240's...lol.

So once again tonight hes mad. So MONDAYS are horrible for me..I got the kids breakfast and putted around until about 11 or a lil before. I AM NOT A MORNING person...sooo...Im not really functioning fully till after 12 or 1. Anyways I took a thing called zantrax which help with energy and diet but dont have all the jittery nonfocus stuff....anyways got my shower then worked on some school stuff for the boys had everyone take a hour quiet time then got them up and kicked buttt. When I was all done everywhere was clean AND SWEPT (including steps) except for 1 outta 3 bathrooms wasnt done, my changing room didnt get picked up or swept (its not real bad) and the kitchen. I had all the laundry half way half washed and dried half waiting to be washed. Reheated some lasagna so it could be gone...so i told him on the phone that i didnt get to the dishes hes like oh ill do them thats ok. I was like your not gonna get frustrated he said no i can do them. He drags them out wonders around in the middle of them. WHY I DONT KNOW...lol. So then I needed to go practice drama with a friend from church for a womans retreat in sept. Well I left at 7:30 and we talked a lil to much but still got some practice in I left there at like 9:05 and had to stop and get milk because He wanted cookies for snack. So I got home at 9:30. Everyones upstairs so i go up and when I went in the room hes like family devotions are at 9 i said that the other night. I said and have we done them yet since them? NO..HIM "well either way my bed time is 9" Um didnt he just say devotions were at 9 so which was it. FOR CRYING OUT FLIPPING LOUD...I have a CURFEW? I wasnt out shopping, out to eat, out watching a movie, out visiting...I WAS PRACTICING DRAMA FOR A MINISTRY....EVERY SINGLE STINKING NIGHT ITS SOMETHING. I am starting to wonder like REALLY REALLY WONDER...I cant figure out tonight if I am angry or sad....I think its about time for a note because if I dont get this all laid out to him its gonna be a BIG BIG explosion and I really dont want them or want my kids to have to see one....but something needs to change...Like and I know today it wasnt me...BEFORE yeah I could think it was partly me that I didnt get something done and he had reason to be frustrated...BUT OH NO NOT TODAY... I asked him if he could switch the load over I had in the washer...yeah I can...DID HE NO NO NO...I was just like hmm... didnt say a word cause whatever its just laundry. AND if I hadnt stopped to get the milk HE wanted I woulda been home at like 9:15...Ok SO SO SO sorry i posted this here but I have NOONE I can confide in at the moment over this. The only friend I have that I trust with this stuff has toooo much going on...everyone else is super nice but dont know if they can keep their mouths shut and not something I want people talking about...sigh so once again I apologize...now I feel like bawling! I want to just lay on the couch and do NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!

ps raven thank you....sometimes a hug is better than people trying to make up something to help...LOL...SORRY bout the chicken...chicken is one of the worst ones that can make people sick if not properly cared for...during the food safety course we learned that one!

Hi everyone

Just popping in to say Hi and to say Mom you keep posting and venting here. I understand how hard it is not to have someone you can talk things out with. Can you and your hubby go in for some couples counseling with your minister? It might help to have a third party help both of you talk to each other so you can get back together and get rid of some of the frustration. Just a thought. hang in there (I just know that I use to talk to my hubby about everything and then when he became the problem it was so hard not to have him or someone to talk to)
I have to dash. DdC has a 10:30 appt for an EEG.

Take care
K

Well I was able to write him a letter last night...thank goodness I didnt right it out of anger and did just blame blame blame...I was able to just express what I feel and that I am trying and ended it with I just am tired of going to bed with us having disagreements (we've never in 8 years had one about every night until now it was always a once in a while thing). N that I feel like we have to walk on eggshells hoping nothing sets him off and he dont throw something or yell meanly at the kids or be mean to me. Just asked him what needs to be done to fix this. Well he came upstairs again before he left and said I love you. So I figured he had read the letter cause he had already told me bye. Then he called me later and said He doesnt want me to feel that way and most of his problem is stuff thats been going on with church. Hes suppose to have had a mtg with the pastor but our pastors father is close to his end with cancer so therefore he hasnt had much time to do any mtgs. As an elder my dh job is to watch out for the church n the people and something and some people are doing things to pull the church in the wrong direction and somethings happen at the last board mtg to which one man stepped down (the man that got everything around the church done) When another man is still on the board that needs to resign...but ANWAYS...there has been several issues that need taken care of but due to the situation hasnt been able to be dealt with SOOOO i guess all of it is the root of his frustration and its bleeding over into the home...

I hope thats what it is cause we have never had issues like this. Even our foster girl that lived with us for 3 years says uh do you two EVER fight....LOL. We have disagreements but we cool down talk thru them and they are over...Yeah we do things we dont like but thats not a reason to fight thats part of learning to live with people...LOL...I am a little relieved just want this to be fixed and over so hes not so frustrated.

OH WHEW...SOOO much stuff...

i gotta run and get supper ready so I will try and stop back lata!!

Hey everyone... sorry I haven't been around much I've got this horrible summer cold that came back just when I thought it was over. To make the timing just perfect I'm running in my second organized 5k this saturday with a friend. I haven't seen him in a few years and we were supposed to get together and run but it hasn't worked out. I'm really going to try for sometime this week because I really didn't want the 5k to be our first run together. I haven't been able to run in a while, even though I got myself brand spaking new bright white shoes! I'll have to scuff them up a bit before the run if I'm not able to get out... ug, this one is going to suck and it's the run I PROMISED myself I'd do in 30 minutes.... obviously not going to happen.

Mom - Just my 2 cents but I think that it's important not to delete posts like that... I know I've wanted to in the past and I've realized it's one thing to say (or type) it all and get it off your chest... but it's a relief of another kind to have other people read them because that's what really gets it out there. And any chance you can get your husband to a doctor? The lack of calories may be causing some of his behaviour but it sounds like there may be more to it.

Everyone else... hi... how are ya? I don't mean to exclude anyone it's just that I'm not 100% myself, my sinuses are killing me and I'm out of tea

good afternoon friends

momof4, I should have jumped right here also and said that you never need to delete anything, we have to spill it sometimes and Im sorry that you have that situation with DH...maybe we all should grant ourselves one 'rant' session and know that we got it out and others listened and weren't shocked or anything.

Ravengirl, thanks for the doggie explanation

Aunty Jam, OH so sorry about the stupid cold! and that it wll kick your butt when doing the 5K.

hope - I meant to comment about when you went with a friend to have her dog put down, OMG what a hard thing to do for a friend.

I just stopped at an acquaintance's house, and she is a SUPER NEAT person and so is her husband, they're ex-TREME-ly task-oriented and are always doing something to pick up/ clean up/ improve their home. And she is very very proud of their home (as she should be, they just about built it) but even though I didn't ask, she took over half an hour and showed me around her place, pointing everything out, and talking so much she wasn't even listening to my responses. It just point out to me everything that I want that we don't have; neatness, order, no clutter, an effort made to do these things; which we do NOT have. Kinda a drag. There, that's my rant. And my ugly legs.

Ok after a whole 24 hours of venting I think I am good...got it all outta my system feel better. Thank you to ALL of you that helped me I didnt feel as bad venting it! So yeah TOM moved in today a week early. I got on the scale this morning and was up like 5 lbs and was like REALLY...WHEW...its just TOM!!!

positive things:
Think I have FINALLY kicked my pepsi addiction...cant really stand the taste of it any more!! My face is very thankful!!

Getting thru my house and getting the decluttering done. Have one more little desk and area to do (school desk).

I feel like I am now in control of my house...which means I am getting more control of myself. I think the excercise will be next!!

MORE and more I feel I am going toward the right goal...EVEN if I still eat wrong things it doesnt mean I am not going towards that goal just may be stalled and need a jump start!!!

dh wanted to talk tonight bout the letter. He said he hasnt really even been stressed about the house. Said for a while he didnt feel he should have to come home after working a 50 hour week and do dishes and that stuff. We didnt get to finish the convo cause girls needed help. i think that I have the house under control. He said he dont mind helping just doesnt want every night after a long day he comes home to house work...which I already said he shouldnt have to thats not right to him. BUT I do want occasional help with the kids... House work can be done while hes working but bathing and snack and bed time routine I need help at times...he tends to complain sometimes about it..SO hopefully we can get some type of schedule worked out for that. I also think I need a few hours a week of me time even if its just go to the library or to play the piano...whatever ESP. since I am here 24/7 and the kids are CONSTANTLY asking me questions, wanting me to break up fights, fix booboos, get them food and drinks, wipe their butts...MY BRAIN dont rest. If I get that time even if its a walk for me after supper to just let my brain go I think that will be super healthy for me!!

ok so THANKS for helping me get thru this!!! I feel better..glad I had a place to vent!!! I should so print these all off for in my journal...LOL

I will start back to personal posts for all you...my brain just wasnt working sorry!! Have a good Hump day!!!

Hi all!

Mom - sometimes it's really good to just vent it on out, girl!

Well, I managed to have both lunch and dinner out yesterday, and so am up 2lbs, but I know it will be gone again by tomorrow if I eat carefully and get on the treadmill today. Eating out is a HUGE issue for me - I mean to make good choices, but I make excuses instead! LOL The cheesecake calls my name... mmmm, cheesecake... no, wait - that's how I gained weight in the first place! hahaha

Ah well, each day we start again. hang in there, my chickie friends!

Heather

Heather, did you say we could start again tomorrow? I hope so. Too much mexican, chips, salsa, dairy queen, margaritas... I need to be muzzled. Did you get back on track today?

Aunty Jam, good luck on you run Saturday. I hope you are long past your cold.

Mom, glad you are feeling a little better and yes, you need some alone time.

Vermont, I have friends like that too and they can make you feel so low about yourself, not that they mean to. It just happens. I long to be that way. Since I've been overeating again my main goal (besides eating) seems to be to sleep. I'm becoming a slug again it seems. Must snap out of this.

Buddly, how did your daughter's dr.'s appt go? Are you working a lot this week?

Hope-i so hear ya...i need to have a muzzle too..can you send on over...LOL

heather-your right we can start over do you ever get tired of starting over? Thats how I feel sometimes like whats the point cause I am just going to keep starting over....ugh...I do SOOOO good during the day..I eat reasonably then I hit night time. Guess I need to MAKE myself go to my room an read or do something to make me sleepy not sit here and eat...

ok lata girls!

Hey everyone.... I've been pretty emotional the last few days. We've come to the realization that we're going to have to put our old dog down soon.... her body is starting to fail her in some ways, she has some arthritis, weakness in the back end, loss of control of the bowels, senility... she poops in the house multiple times a day, sometimes she gets downstairs which is where every dog I've ever had tries to hide the fact that they've gone in the house and sometimes she just does it right where she is (living room, SD room etc...), so you have to watch where you walk. Getting downstairs is a major feet for her, she used to spend hours laying in my husbands office down there with him but the stairs are really hard for her now. I hate the thought of her trying to hold it and thinking to herself "Gotta hide this... it's not allowed... gotta get downstairs...." I thought my husband was really upset about all of the pooping and wanted to put her down until last night I sat him down for a serious talk about it and he was surprised that I brought it up and when I asked him how much longer he could take the poop (because he cleans up 90% of it) he got this serious look on his face, gave a little nod and said "A little while longer...". I went so far as to call the vet while I was at work and he agrees she doesn't have very long left but I found out to do what I want (private cremation, keep the ashes etc..) it's could possibly cost $450. Where the **** am I goign to get that kind of money????? I CAN"T not do it that way, I've learned what companies do with the bodies of dogs (don't ask) and I can't let them do that to my baby. Every time I think about it I want to cry... she's been my dog for over 14 years now and I can't imagine what Chase will do without her... he'll be so lost. My SD will be crushed... Kelly attached herself to her when she moved in, she sleeps in her room by her bed. Last night we were talking about how old Kelly is... and I wanted my SD to be prepared so I said to her "I don't think we're going to have Kelly much longer..." and my husband said that it hurt just to hear it, he's very attached to her also.

I'm sorry... here I've been blathering on about my old dog and completely ignoring everyone elses issues. I guess I'm just wrapped up in my own problems right now.... I just can't stop thinking about her.

Thanks for everyones well wishes for race day... it's not looking good outside Over in BC they have over 300 forest fires burning and our wind is coming from them... the whole city is covered in a yellowie smokie haze, there are all these health warnings issues... even for healthy people, not to do strenuous exercise outside. I don't think they'll cancel the run, but I think a lot of people will just not go, I don't know if I should either. It's supposed to rain tomorrow evening so that may help depending on the time, the race is at 6:30pm. There's also a full and half marathon on sunday but it's supposed to get better.

Vermont - Sounds like your friend just wants to show off what she has, I don't think she meant it to be showing you what you don't have.

awwww jam thats tough...you dont have anywhere you can dig a whole an bury the dog? We had a dog once and she just started convulsing and then died...my dad actually gave her cpr he was sooo upset...there was no warning..she had a brain tumor that exploded. Its hard though with old dogs to decide when enough is enough. So sorry your struggling....sometimes things in your life get sooo hard you can hardly help yourself let alone help anyone else!

Thanks Mom... I guess I was just wrapped up in my own little world. I'm in a much better frame of mind now but it's still in the back of my head.

I don't think it's legal up here to burry your dog in the yard.

Aunty Jam, so sorry about your doggie. After going last week to with my friend to put her dog down I've been giving mine some extra lovin and trying not to take them for granted. I see by you ticker that you ran the race. Great job!!! Glad you're feeling better.

I've done a little better the past couple of days with eating. I'm starting to write everything down again and even avoided a few things I could have eaten but shouldn't. I've been doing the ellipticle and workouts like the the 30 day shred.

We went to a crab feast yesterday. It was fun but hot. Today we are seeing a movie with a friend. I really could just take a nap though. Tomorrow I have another phone interview with the same company for a similar position as the last one. They liked me for the first one but have to offer it to someone internal first. If they turn it down then I'm next in line. I pray I get one of them. I need a higher paying job sooo badly.

Aunty Jam - OH I have tears in my eyes reading about your Kelly. God I know how hard that is. Actually we were let out 'the easy way' two years ago, as our Tasha just collapsed at age 12 and died suddenly. We were spared what you are going through now. We are lucky that in VT we can bury our pets anywhere (and we have 3 on our property) (Off track but we can also bury people on our land - topic for some other day I guess.) $450 is a huge amount of money but it is what I would want too, I would not want to speculate on our poor doggie's remains getting treated not respectfully Maybe some windfall will come your way and that will cover the expenses. I am so sorry for you and your family's pain.

that is a great way of looking at it, I see that I am really VERY sensitive and ashamed of what our place is like and any comments about someone else being proud of their place just puts me in

and congrats on your PERSONAL BEST at the 5K! so how was the smoke/air?

hope4me, I sure hope you get called and picked for that job, being worried about money really sucks when we are already worried about other things. And yes hearing about Aunty Jam's Kelly, and you accompanying your friend the other week, makes us give our dogs even more love and attention.

Hi momof4, how are you doing If you are doing good during the day, that is a great start!! have you come up with strategies to cope with trying not to eat at night? that is really hard, I know.

and hi Heather, buddly and Ravengirl