Self Confidence - Wish you could just turn it on? (Long)
I was one of those girls that never dated and the first time I did I "settled" for someone I didn't really like. Took my virginity at yada yada. He would always say things that hurt... a LOT. At the time I was about 130lbs, really active and honestly looking at pictures, not bad looking. I FELT fat because I was in the "overweight" area of my BMI range and I have a really lame body frame (Wide hips, no curves, and a HUGE rib cage). This guy would tell me that I was "fat" then say that was ok because he liked bigger women. It made me feel 200lbs, not 130lbs. He'd watch porn and point out the women on them had amazing skin tone and sexy bodies... Imagine how I felt...
Fast Forward:
New boyfriend. A doctor. This point I put on weight and am now 145lbs. He would shower with me and lecture me on the health benefits of losing JUST ONE pound. Often during sex he would ask if I could put on a shirt... because... well... it's for MY confidence and he thought it would make me feel better even though 10 seconds ago I felt like a sex goddess.. now I felt like crawling in a hole.
Fast Forward:
New date... not a boyfriend. I now weigh 155ish pounds... It was a blind date, but we talked before going out. He said he was "bigger" and didn't have confidence. I mentioned I was a bit over weight as well, but statistically wasn't in the obese range (3 or so lbs under it... but still). We meet, his words "I thought you said you weren't obese..." Then later "The picture you gave me (threw IM) made you look so much smaller, was it an older photo?"
Fast Forward to my current relationship.
I now weigh 173ish pounds. Biggest I've EVER been in my life. I met this guy online. He's military (though he doesn't have the stereotypical attitude) insanely intelligent, and so much fun to be around. We've been dating for a while now...
When we first had sex, I was TERRIFIED that I would get some of the same old comments. I turned off the lights, he didn't question it. After sex, getting dressed the next morning, he couldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was. Showering together, he still tells me how sexy I am.
At first, I'd wear the baggier shirts, jeans, and was shy to wear anything revealing. He mentioned he liked skirts.. I was honestly SCARED to wear one because a previous comment from an ex about my legs. I finally did, and he loved it. Couldn't keep his hands off me.
It really sucks, because this new guy never mentions my weight, I told him I wanted to lose weight, he said it was always good to get healthy and asked if I needed him to do anything. He also said that if I didn't lose the weight he didn't care, he liked me either way. Honestly... best answer ever. I still get so nervous though. Wearing something sexy... too scared. Sex with the lights on? Joking right? I'm even too scared to get on top half the time and when I do, I lean so far forward he can't see anything. The only time he gets a look is when we're showering and I'm so nervous the whole time... I usually push into him to try to hide.
I know he clearly doesn't care. I know he thinks I'm fine... but the self confidence just isn't there. I keep hearing the comments from the past... when I was thinner... and wonder if he secretly thinks those things... sometimes I wonder if he settled...
Anyone else have these issues? I know it's mental and I just need to get over it, but it's easier said then done. The inward arguments are intense...
Last edited by kurisitaru; 06-17-2012 at 01:27 AM.
It sucks that the "men" from your previous relationships treated you that way. I'm sorry.
My ex was into bigger women, he always told me how much more attracted to bigger women he was. Then one day we had an argument and he called me a "sloppy fat b*tch." It hurt so much when he said that. He was the one person that I felt comfortable enough to shower with, get fully naked with, and be on top with. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with someone again.
Last edited by livelaughlovesunshin; 06-17-2012 at 07:12 AM.
Good lord, you've found some wankers in your time, haven't you? I'm sorry you had to put up with them. And I'm very sorry that their idiocy has made you lose confidence in yourself - it's clearly blokes one, two and three that were deficient, not you.
As for confidence with the good bloke, I feel your pain, I have trouble with mine sometimes too. He thinks I look fantastic, I think he's insane, or blind. I tell myself that he wouldn't be saying it if he didn't believe it - what purpose would lying serve? If he secretly didn't like me, why on earth would he be with me? The same is true for your man. There comes a point when you just have to trust him, and believe him, and maybe take off a garment or two here and there. In time you'll get more comfortable and your naked-confidence will grow, but it needs that practice. You could even try talking to him, and telling him what you've told us here, and seeking some reassurance. If he's the decent bloke he sounds like, then he'll be willing to help you through this.
As a guy, I can't really comment on some of those guys you've been with, as I think it's just individual people and the way they think. It's disappointing to hear some of those things said and you just have to wonder what they were thinking.
Any worth while partner will take in to consideration the feelings of their partner. I guess some times people can talk before thinking and maybe that was the case with the other guys. Either way it sounds like your with someone who likes you for you and not about individual things about you.
I guess one thing I've learnt over the years and being in relationships, sometimes you have things you think of and wonder if you should say anything about it or just leave it because saying something could change things for the worse. I've been honest about things thinking it's better to be honest and then realising later it changed the relationship and it could of gone on if I didn't open my mouth on something that didn't need to be said.
So I would say, don't mention anything to him, don't wonder why he's not like the others, just enjoy him liking you as the person you are.
Wow those guys from your past sound like real grade a jerk material. That's their problem, not yours.
When I started dating my husband I was probably 20-30 lbs lighter than I am now (I had recently slimmed down). I felt awesome and was so confident in myself. After I put (back) on the weight I felt pretty close to how your feeling.
I really think it actually has very little to do with the lbs themselves. I think its all about how we feel. With such hurtful comments in the past you don't feel sexy, it wouldn't matter if you were 120 lbs. Women are so sensitive to that kind of thing.
Your new guy sounds amazing. Absorb all of the great comments he has for you, take them to heart (because if he didn't mean them he wouldn't be interested right).
Find something that makes you FEEL sexy. Could be losing weight, toning up, new clothes, cheap romance novel, etc. Find what works for you.
Personally I've found taking charge of my health (and weight) makes me feel more confident and sexy. Actually just yesterday my husband told me the walks I go for the in morning are sexy (go figure right? how does that work lol).
Don't let some jerks in the past keep you from enjoying yourself and your new relationship.
Last edited by CanadianMomma; 06-17-2012 at 01:19 PM.
I don't think I will ever be comfortable with someone again.
That's really how I feel. Granted I'm slowly working into wearing more flattering things but I still don't feel nearly as comfortable as I use to. Guy number one and two, I was more than happy to shower naked with, be on top with the lights on, and wear very daring neck lined shirts or shorter skirts. The more I hung out with them, the more I wanted to hide.
Now, I feel that confidence shattered.
Thank you everyone for the comments, I do try to ignore the previous hurtful comments, and I guess practice is the way to get over it. I know if I did tell my current boy friend he would listen and such, but I'm trying to be less self conscience with him because I feel he deserves a confident woman.
I grew up very strong and independent and it took 2 really bad relationship to make me extremely self conscious and have no self esteem. My most recent ex stopped having sex with me for the last 3 years of our relationship. I felt as low as I could be. The heaviest I ever was with him was about 170lb.
My husband is wonderful. He has loved me at 135lb and at 210lb. He has never said 1 thing negative about my weight. But it took me a long time to be confident with him about my body.
Almost 8 years later and just losing 65lb or so pounds my confidence is pretty darn good and he has helped BIG TIME with it. He makes me feel very attractive.
So just take it slow and sooner or later your confidence will return. This new guy sounds like a keeper!
I'm trying to be less self conscience with him because I feel he deserves a confident woman.
Yes, but what do YOU deserve? Don't you matter in here somewhere?
Quote:
I know he thinks I'm fine... but the self confidence just isn't there. I keep hearing the comments from the past... when I was thinner... and wonder if he secretly thinks those things... sometimes I wonder if he settled...
Look, he's already seen all there is to see, hon. He likes it. He likes YOU.
Now YOU start liking it and yourself.
Sex is a natural function/need -- just like eating or bathroom needs or sleep or...
It's not a key club where only certain people get the pass to be "allowed" to have it. Anyone can decide to have sex when they are ready to. Alone or partnered.
You are adult. Stop listening to ghosts of boyfriends past. They are EX'S for a reason, and good riddance. Stop punishing yourself and partner both with these ghosts. It's like burnt toast in the house -- the actual toast is long gone. So open a window and let the smell out too so it stops lingering around. It can take some time to dissipate but it def won't go if you don't get some windows open!
Enjoy the breath of fresh air your new partner is. You sound like you are in a healthier relationship for you.
You are not "less than" anything. You are a whole, complete person who is worthy and valuable.
If you feel "eh" about some things, that's fine. If you you are not up for lights on during sex, leave 'em off then! So what? No big deal! Everyone has their own style.
Or if you do want to stretch yourself in that direction while you explore with partner -- try candles. Or turn on the light in the room over (or closet) and crack the door a bit. Lay a scarf over a lamp so it's dim (just make sure it doesn't get too hot). Put on a blindfold. Whatever you want if that's where you want to explore your edges of your comfort zone with partner. Just include partner in the conversation so it's a partner thing. Intimacy is not just the sharing of bodies but the sharing of confidences, vulnerabilities, thoughts, etc.
If you don't want to go there -- the lights on thing -- don't.
Explore something else -- maybe sense of touch or sounds or whatever. Every person has the things they like and do not like. Stop trying to measure yourself against some imagined "sex standard" and just be you, fully present, and in the moment, and enjoying however it is that it unfolds. Not distracted by voices in your head but HERE, with partner, where you are at.
Sex is supposed to be fun time, play time, and intimate time with you partner. Explore what you both like together. It's not supposed to be stressy. There's going to be stuff he likes that you do not. Stuff you like that he does not. Rather than stress over it keep playing and exploring in a fun way and figure out what you BOTH like. Yay!
Nobody is there judging your sex performance with score cards. Orgasm is not the goal. The goal is to just spend time with your partner enjoying each other's company.
The sight, smell, sounds, touch, taste of your partner. That is all. Just enjoy and learn what you and partner enjoy together.
Sometimes u have to go thru duds to find ur prince. U obviously didn't deserve that from your earlier relationships. Bad self esteem leads to eating for sure. I know cuz I've developed it over the years. I was always so ashamed of my body and still struggle with it. We have to take out the tape playing in our head and start a new one. Good luck! Seems like u found a keeper! Congrats!
Good lord, you've found some wankers in your time, haven't you?
Listen to Brid.
New dude IS NOT them!!! Their attitudes are not going to somehow rub onto him and infect his psyche. He's into YOU, he's attracted to YOU, and he'll like you fat or thin or in the middle. Probably more than anything, he wants you to feel comfortable and sexy around him, because he cares about you and your happiness.
Confidence etc has to come from within, but listen to the man and BELIEVE him. You are more than a number on a scale and someone worthwhile who really cares for you will (and currently does, from the sound of it) see that!
This is really sad to read i'm sorry those jerks made you feel that way . I think sometimes others are just so insecure with themselves so in order to make themselves feel good they try to attack their partners and that's just what those 2 exes of yours were doing maybe they themselves have low self esteem and in some sick way were putting you down as a way they could feel better about themselves. You will always get jerks like that whether your 120 pounds or 118 pounds telling you , your not good enough or skinny enough or pretty enough etc etc.. its what you chose to do with those negative comments that can either make you or break you . Believe me there are alot of sick man out there that think its their business to tell us women how much we should weight , what we should wear etc .. and unfortunately we get into a relationship with these types of man due to having low self esteem in the first place . Your self worth shouldn't depend on what your exes thought of you that's their opinion don't give them any more power to control your life. Get those negative comment out of your head and if you remember them replace them by saying to yourself 3 good things you like about yourself and keep repeating them whenever those comments pop in your head . what you have to understand is those hurtful comments your exes made to you are not true you have a good man now that loves you and adores you and is telling you the truth and treating you how you should be treated. and even though it may be hard to get use to this kind of treatment due to dating such jerks in the past please dont think you dont deserve it or that your exes were right. It will take some time to build your confidence up but just keep working on it and you will get there one step at a time . I myself suffer from low self esteem but i know i need to learn to appreciate and love myself so that no matter what hurtful comment people throw at me i will not let it get to me but of course it takes time. I have also been through a really bad relationship in the past that has kind of damaged my self esteem so i can relate the best thing i could ever do for myself was work on rebuilding my confidence and just taking time out of dating to figure out what i want from a relationship i always in the past attracted the wrong types of guys due to having low self esteem but i'm working on it one step at a time and i wish you all the best don't worry you will get there just keep working on it .
I think I am naturally more confident than most women would be in my position (I'm more confident than my younger, thinner, much more beautiful sister - However our youngest sister was BORN confident - and BOSSY).
However, I do think I have a piece of advice that can help (and I learned it very early to avoid bullying) - when you want confidence or bravery - "fake it 'til you make it," Act confident and eventually the feelings will follow (and even if they don't - acting confidently has the same benefits as being confident).
I learned, probably in first grade if not kindergarten, that when you had (or faked) confidence and courage, not only did people NOT pick on you, they often looked to you for leadership and friendship.
When I met my husband, we were both very close to our highest weights (dating put on an extra 15 to 20 lbs on us both). I weighed about 380 and my husband weighed over 400 (but lied or was in denial about his weight saying it was in the high 300's. I knew that was unlikely because the man is 6'2", but I figured the high 300's was the last time he weighed himsel, and his actual weight didn't matter to me).
When it came for our first time nekkid together, we were both incredibly nervous. I mean of course we knew we weren't going to find supermodels beneath each other's clothes, but we both had issues we were concerned about.
I did what I always did to "break the ice" in an awkward situion, I made it seem like a game. Hubby must have thought I was either the sexiest woman alive, or the sluttiest. I brought a bag of "toys" to the party (not actual sex toys, just a bag of every day items that could be used sensually - like a blindfold, a large feather, a box of washable Crayola markers).
I suggested that we take turns drawing "tattoos" on each other and try to guess what the other was drawing. I don't remember what I drew, but I still remember hubby's - he drew four interlocking jigsaw puzzle pieces each in a different color - on my thigh (on of my most jiggly of body parts).
We laughed so hard, it was one of the sexiest things I've ever experienced, and it worked in reducing the anxiety in both of us. It's hard to do something that silly AND obsess over all the fears and anxieties.
Once I came home very hot and sweaty from a summer walk, and I went in the bedroom to change clothes. I stripped off my clothes before my shoes, and hubby walked in, and started laughing, saying that was the sexiest look he'd ever seen (Yeah the naked Michelin woman in tennies and bobbysocks).
So, I did a little dance for him (jokingly) and one thing led to another... and best sex every (we both find laughing extremely sexy, and laughing about how not-sexy we are when we're trying to be sexy).
I know most women, even some super-hot women aren't going to be as brave (or silly) as I am, but I think the premise still holds - the more you're willing to "fake" the more the feelings begin to feel natural and real.
Even now, I rarely feel as confident as I act (or speak), but I've learned that "acting" not only convinces others that I'm confident and brave, it often convinces myself - so that the feelings of anxiety and fear dissipate quickly.
Remember that bravery (and confidence) isn't fearlessness, it's acting in the face of fear and refusing to let fear hold you back.
Easier said than done, of course - but what isn't?
I have been lucky (I guess?) that I've had a lot of good self confidence thru-out my life; I contribute that to my mom who has always been a "fighter" so to speak. Always done things her way, always said whatever was on her mind - (tho now, that can be quite tedious at times, LOL!!!) So I am "a fighter" and I speak my mind - just like good ol'Mom.
Anyhoo... I remember one time when I was around 12-13 years old. I was about 90 lbs soaking wet. I was sitting in a chair swing at my grandma's house, and one of my (boy) cousins said "You're legs are fat."
OKAYYYYYYYYY. We all know that when you sit down your thighs do "spread out" a bit - I mean if your feet aren't touching ground, ya know? Even those with great muscle tone - happens to them, too.
I looked at him square in the eye and said matter-of-factly: "You're stupid and ugly. You smell HORRIBLE! And there's a booger on your upper lip" then I got up & the swing hit him in the shin.
Sometimes I just make my day.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 06-22-2012 at 12:31 PM.
Self Confidence - Wish you could just turn it on? (Long)
