The less time you give him the better. He has no reason to change and if you give him 1 year, you won't see a change for 11 months - and then his motive is suspect.
You need to move on, and then if he changes - separate from you, and has at least a one year track record and you still love him, then you can consider going back.
I'm finding there are two types of people in the world. People willing to work hard to try to get ahead and people who are not willing to work hard to try to get ahead. I'm not sure why this is.
I definitely feel for you (and those kids). You cannot expect your fiance to change, however. He might, but I think history indicates otherwise.
Can you be happy if he doesn't change? Are you okay with living this way if he doesn't change? Base your decisions on the answer to these questions.
This. I really do understand where you're coming from. I've had a lot of the same issues with my husband in the past (we've been together 15 years). Granted, he does work full time now, and has for the last six or seven years, but he is definitely one of those people who are not willing to work hard to get ahead. He just works. I'm not saying this to bash my DH, I love him, and am very proud of him for his work ethic now. (he had no positive role models, he used to live just like all of his other crappy family members) BUT, I had to ask myself if I was willing to live this way for the rest of my life. *sigh* That really sounds like I'm bashing my man, but it's just the truth. You have to decide what is going to make you happy.
He's using you in every way possible, especially in raising HIS kids. My sister was in such a relationship with a guy (no job) and his two little girls. She tried her best, working two jobs to support them all in her apartment, while he played video games till all hours and complained that there were No Jobs when she kept asking him to work. The rest of our family called him "loser boy" or LB and he truly was. She finally wised up after a couple of years and kicked his sorry a** out of her apartment. He had to move back home with parents and still does not have a job.
Sorry, but you are being used. He has too good of a thing - he's 35 and he has a young girl like you supporting him and his kids financially. Do not ever EVER consider marrying someone who already has to "change" before the marriage. You have become his mother. You are young and free - find someone who will at least be your equal. He is 35 - he knows better.
I agree with everything that has been said. You are young, free, and single, good job, and your life ahead of you (Life is very long looking forward, but very short looking back)!! Hard and all as it will be, do you see a future with him? I think you more or less have made your mind up, and are looking for reassurances that your decision is the correct one, unfortunately we dont know all the details, but from the outside looking in, all the posters so far have said more or less the same thing! You supporting his kids, and another kid (Him). I dont mean to sound rude but is he an actual mechanic, or are cars a hobby of his? Do his friends get him to help with their cars? Its strange that he cannot fix your car (dont know the details or whats wrong, but thats what mechanics are for, unless it costs more to repair than replace the car, is it that he doesnt want to / cant / knows you will pay to get it fixed?). As previous posters have said, he has had plenty of opportunity to get his certs, he is at home every day. You are providing for his kids at the end of the day, he isnt providing for his own. I think you are a really caring person, and can do much better and I apologise if this reply is too harsh.
I really hope this doesn't upset you, but you can do much better. Also if you do end it, who knows, he may change his ways and become the guy he was at the start, he will have to become more independent and things might work out better for ye when he realises everything! I am all for giving people chances and a fair trial.
Hmm from the outside looking in, it very much seems that he is using you. I know it is hard to say what your personal relationship is like..but from my experience I helped out an ex, and am now suing him for the 5 grand he owes me! We weren't even that committed, but I helped his *** out anyways since I could...MISTAKE..
Anyways, if he really loves you and cares what you think he will need to change. If not, then dump him..he has nothing to bring to the relationship other than a cuddle buddy?
If you don't want to cut cold turkey you can move out, or kick him out, or cut him off, to show him you are serious. Whatever it takes, just get him off the tit.
However, there is always that possibility that he will work for awhile to please you then, eventually go back to the way it was, or is now. So if I were you I would really think hard about it. It's the rest of your life....are you ready to bring in a man who can't support his own weight..and two kids that aren't yours for the rest of your life?
If it bothers you now, it will only get worse getting married.
I would also like to add as you begin to detach and he notices, he may begin to take on more responsibilities and start earning an income to show he can change. If you settle back in, things will likely go back to how they are currently.
I say this because I witnessed 20 years of it with my parents. My father would get a job to appease my mom (and consequently rack up debt) then everything would settle down and he'd find some reason to quit. My mom would get upset and threaten and then get fed up and try to leave or kick him out. Only then would he make the effort to get another job. After their divorce, he went from woman to woman using them and always being "out of work."
People are capable of changing, but most times they'll put forth the effort willingly without having to be dragged kicking and screaming. Based on your descriptions, I don't see that happening anytime soon.
The good thing is the kids have some place to go if you leave and your fiance falls behind on rent, gets kicked out, etc. When its hard is you're the sole provider for the kid and there isn't another responsible adult around.
My car was in need of transmission work. Costly and time consuming. I ended up selling the car to pay bills. I didnt want to, but it was the car, or lights.
If I were to leave, i would live in the apartments across the street from my work, until I could afford a new car. Stuff like the grocery store would be a little hike. But I would work it out.
He is a real mechanic. When we met he had a busy shop, with employees, and jobs. He was making decent money. Then don't know what happened. Being stolen from, then getting back on his shop rent. After that, it was never the same.
I don't think he would get physical or anything, but I'm easily upset, so he may play on my emotions.
I can't be happy if things don't change. I spend too much time worrying over bills, ruining my credit (I don't know if I can get that apartment now).
My father was one who would only work when he felt like it, and when he did have a job when he got tired of it, said he got fired and just day home for another 6 months (at least) and then it would always come up later that he actually quit. He sat home and did absolutely nothing in the house either except sit on his butt. I'm not saying your fiance is like him, tmy point is just that when my parents finally divorced he got a job and kept it because he had no choice. When forced, most people can change. If you decide you really can't take it anymore, try giving him an ultimatum, making it clear how serious you are that it won't be tolerated anymore.
Well if you can, move out before you can't do it. You may find you are starting to save money living only to support yourself! If things are ment to be they will go from there. Don't let the finances screw you over.
OK... lemme get this straight... he's 35, got 2 kids from previous relationship that he shares custody with their mother (I'm assuming), he's not working very much, not helping with household chores, etc while he's not working very much, & not attempting to find more/better work OR further his education in any shape, form or manner, ... and you're with him... BECAUSE?????????
I mean... Seriously?
He may be a super nice, wonderful guy, I don't know. But from the description you've given, he's a total slacker. My advice? Lay down an ultimatum. And then follow thru with the kick to the curb if he doesn't meet your expectations within, say, 3 months. DURING THAT TIME, you should be making an escape route plan.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 02-16-2012 at 12:50 PM.
do you really think she should put her future on hold for 3 months? I'd say just go. If you want you can maintain a relationship with him but do it with your own place without providing for him. I suspect he will get a job when he needs to. If and when he can demonstrate to you that he can be a grown up then you can reconsider living with him.
I think it sounds like a serious discussion is in order. With feelings at stake and two kids in the picture I don't think it's as easy as "run away and ditch them," but I agree that you deserve better!
Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts. This is something that has to be done and taken care of.
I'm going to try and have one last discussion with him. I'm going to give him a reasonable timeline. And I'm goingbto stick to it. In the meantime, I will be saving every extra penny I can, and hope that I will have enough for when that timeline ends, to make my move if needed. And I will continue to re evaluate as needed, and keep building my savings.
