Weight Loss Support - My boyfriends thoughts...




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AmberD
11-02-2006, 12:08 AM
I brought it on myself. I asked the question that I probably didn't want an honest answer to.

I was talking to my bf online, and I basically asked him if I was fat. He said I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. That's an acceptable enough answer. But I was stupid and pressed on.

I asked if I was unattractively fat and after dodging the question a bit he answered "for most men, you are too big"

I shouldn't have asked. Its not that I didn't already know the answer, but seeing it there in black and white.... I just didn't expect it to sting as much as it did :cry:

I cant be mad at him for answering honestly. Especially when I pressed for an answer. And I appreciate that he said "for most men" implying that for him I was ok...

But dang... I didn't expect the answer to hurt that much :(


lilybelle
11-02-2006, 12:20 AM
Sorry, that sounds very hurtful to me. I think the correct response would have been, "For me, you are perfect". I know he was trying to give you an honest answer, but sometimes (often) men just don't THINK.

AmberD
11-02-2006, 12:22 AM
update:

I asked him if he thought i was fat.

he said kinda.

I'm crushed.


It was stupid to ask.


I'm going to bed.


KnitALisa
11-02-2006, 12:41 AM
Ouch. :hug: This is one of those irritating areas where men and women differ so much. Lilybelle is right, he probably thought he was doing the right thing and trying to be honest without hearing how DUMB he was being.

On the flipside, that's a bit of a tricky position to put him in. The "Do you think I'm fat" question is a double-edged sword for men, and thus universally hated. My guy friends have whined and whined about this one. They also hate "Do you think she's pretty?" :)

I say ignore the butthead for now. Are you feeling better about yourself? Are you doing this for you? Do you think you're attractive? This is all what's important. If you need to hear something from him, you might have to pull him aside and give him a few pointers on how he can be honest, and not crush you at the same time. (If you figure this one out let me know, we can write a book and make MILLIONS!!!!)

Again, :hug:. Feel better!

NewDay4MeToo
11-02-2006, 12:41 AM
I struggle with this one, too. My boy is very honest. Sometimes too blunt.

He is so proud of me for choosing to lose weight. He says that the dedication and the persistence is very attractive. He praises me in so many ways. He loves on me, he encourages me, he says I am more beautiful than any woman he saw on his weekend vacation. He says that I am looking great as I lose weight, but that I have always been very pretty.

Even with all of this, though. He does occasionally mention my "chubbiness."

Sigh... my mind knows how much he cares for me, and that he does find me attractive. but that little word can be so hard.

But here is what is different than times past. I am proud of me. I am learning to know and love my body, and as much as I want him to find me insanely attractive, that is just icing on the cake.

freeqeegrl
11-02-2006, 01:25 AM
wow did that hit my spot, i hate that too. i hate thinking about how small my boy's ex's were and here i am the size of two of them . its so depressing. i still havent learned to handle the chubby comment . he doesnt even worry about other guys hitting on me , that hurts ,i think he thinks im too fat for anyone else to want me. just push on i guess. and work to be happy with yourself thats all that keeps me sane

SwimGirl
11-02-2006, 03:10 AM
I used to wonder this too, and often pressed my bf. He never gave in, ever. Thank goodness. I can't imagine being with someone who could think that I'm too fat. I know that his mother often suffered from eating disorders and obsessed over food when he was a child (she divorced that guy, bf's step dad) and remained sensitive to those comments can have on a gal. I feel lucky to have my bf, but I also expect this from him. Looks fade, weight comes and goes.. the heart and soul last forever.

I also have to add... I know I'm fat, I do NOT need to hear anyone else agree with me. So while he did say you were kinda fat, you also think that.. Love yourself is my best advice.

-Aimee

WhitWhit
11-02-2006, 03:10 AM
At least you guys have boyfriends!

srmb60
11-02-2006, 07:58 AM
Here's a little something I've learned from being married for over 27 years. Be careful asking because he might answer. :)

jillybean720
11-02-2006, 08:36 AM
I would never ever EVER ask my boyfriend a question like that. If he tells me I'm not fat, he's a liar, and if he tells me I AM fat, he's a jerk--it's pretty much a lose-lose situation :devil: If I were you, I'd accept that he was trying to be honest and just let it go. After all, he was just agreeing with you anyway, right? If you didn't think you were fat, would you even have asked?

Oh, and chin up, WhitWhit--having no boyfriend is MUCH better than having a BAD boyfriend! The right one is SO worth waiting for. And the grass is always greener on the other side--there are plenty of women in relationships who at times long to enjoy the freedom of the single life again :dizzy:

3Beans
11-02-2006, 08:45 AM
[COLOR="Indigo"]I would never ever EVER ask my boyfriend a question like that. If he tells me I'm not fat, he's a liar, and if he tells me I AM fat, he's a jerk--it's pretty much a lose-lose situation :devil: If I were you, I'd accept that he was trying to be honest and just let it go. After all, he was just agreeing with you anyway, right? If you didn't think you were fat, would you even have asked?[COLOR]

That's so true. Put yourself on the other side of the question, and it kind of feels like a trap. Whenever I'm tempted to ask my boyfriend that same question, I ask myself first, what am I trying to accomplish by asking this question? Do I want him to say I'm perfect as I am? Or that I'm skinny, when I'm not? Then what? I can quit my food plan?

However, if what I'm looking for is assurance that I'm beautiful to him or that he loves me (and we all need that sometimes) there are better ways to get that out of him. ;)

KnitALisa
11-02-2006, 08:58 AM
At least you guys have boyfriends!

Sniff! I don't, I've never had a boyfriend. Always been to fat and insecure to attract one I guess. :( But all that's CHANGING!!! :)

Megan2006
11-02-2006, 08:59 AM
I'm sorry, but your b/f's comment has bothered me!! :devil:

AmberD - Granted, asking the question "am I fat" is a touchy question to ask any guy, especially your b/f. BUT, to say "to other guys, you're too big??" COME ON!!! When I have my down days about my weight, and I have at least 100 pds to lose.. my boyfriend always says "babe, you're perfect just the way you are." He's had super skinny and pretty girlfriends, and sure I feel like "i wonder if he wants me to look that way." But in the end, he wouldn't be with me if he wanted to me to look different. He had done nothing but compliment me everytime I see him, whether I look like a bum or dressed up to the nines. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and has never ever ever ever said anything negative about my weight - and it's been three years.
I understand that your b/f felt like he needed to tell you the truth, but look where it got you?

sept15lija
11-02-2006, 09:53 AM
I think asking the question is definitely touchy, and putting your guy in a no-win situation. I understand the urge to ask the question though. I think he could have handled the situation better, but honestly like lilybelle said sometimes guys just don't think. They honestly don't realize sometimes the effect words can have on us...because they're not wired the same way (OK some guys are super-sensitive but that's not the majority).

I say love yourself for who you are right now - and you obviously do love yourself because you are commited to making yourself healthier. I'm sure your BF loves you too and admires you for what you are doing, and thinks you are absolutely gorgeous! I would try to let it go.

Megan - That's right!! As we get healthier and get more and more confident in ourselves, the male interest will follow....I have a DH but I definitely notice more guys taking a bit of an interest as I feel better and better about myself. We're going to be beating them off with a stick soon! LOL ;)

JerseyGyrl
11-02-2006, 11:19 AM
My dbf & I met online in a Yahoo chat over 2 years ago. At the time, I was fat. I had a picture on my Yahoo profile. He sent me a private message & we started to chat. He commented on my picture, saying he thought I was very attractive:o In the meantime, I had just started Atkins because I was tired of being fat all my life and worrying since I was getting older about high blood pressure, diabetes & heart problems (all of which are in my family). That was over 2 years ago and he was very supportive from that day to this. We met in person almost a year ago, I had lost about 80 lbs at the time. He is always telling me how proud of me he is & how great he thinks I look. BUT, my point is, he fell in love with me when I was fat...NOT when I was thin. It's very sad that people too often judge others based on how they look instead of getting to know the person as a person first. Dr. Phil has a saying and it applies to many areas of life "If you did what you always did...you'll get what you always got". When you find the right person for you, you will KNOW it. They will accept you for YOU. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

All the best to you,

Kim

fiddler
11-02-2006, 11:37 AM
Amber,

I think you need to ask yourself WHY you felt you had to ask him that question. Because if you truly wanted to know whether you were fat, you could have gotten a more accurate, and less emotionally charged, answer by asking a girlfriend.

It sounds more like you have some insecurities about the relationship and asked the question because you were looking for reassurance from him.

Men hate these kinds of questions because they know whatever answer they give is going to upset you, and you probably made him feel as bad by asking the question as he made you feel by answering it.

rockinrobin
11-02-2006, 11:46 AM
You definitely didn't give him much of a choice. I think he tried to let you down as softly as he could. You gotta give him some credit. I personally have never asked my husband if he thinks I'm fat. Of course he thinks I'm fat...... because duh - I AM FAT. I think I'm fat, I know I'm fat, why wouldn't he know it too. Having said that he has showed much restraint as I have sat there and picked on myself, he hasn't joined in (lucky for him) and I must say thank god he has loved me and wanted me whether I was 120 something pounds or 287 pounds.

nelie
11-02-2006, 11:47 AM
Let me put my input into this :)

I had known my DF for a while before we started dating but the last time he had seen me BEFORE we started dating, I weighed 360 lbs or so. He had moved away so he hadn't seen me in over a year. We were friends and really there was no reason to discuss my weight loss with a guy but after we decided to date, I told him that I had lost some weight. We still hadn't seen eachother and when we did, I weighed around 290. (I should mention that my boy is around 140-150).

He has never told me I'm fat. He says I'm beautiful. If I say i'm fat or flabby or what not, he says no I'm beautiful. I showed him some sagging skin and he said "that is just a little bit, you look good". He has told me that I don't need to lose weight but if I want to lose weight, he says he will support me. I've lost over 30 lbs this year and he encourages me all the way.

I think men should be supportive but I also don't think that we should put them into a position where they might say something that will hurt us. If I asked my DF if I was fat, he would tell me no I'm beautiful. He has told me many times that I'm perfect. I don't know how a guy would think someone at 174 lbs is fat or even too fat. I guess if you are comparing someone to a supermodel.

Gladdy
11-02-2006, 12:13 PM
Please don't take your boyfriend's comments to heart, Amber. He was just trying to be helpful and kind in his own way. Life is too short to worry about these little blips in the road. We all say stupid things and hope that the other person will forgive us.

Instead, use your boyfriend's remarks constructively; let them provide you with renewed focus to continue on your road to wellness and weight loss...which I see by your ticker you have made excellent progress!

AND...No more "am I fat?" questions!
Instead, ask "Do you think you are man enough to handle me?" LOL.

Beach Patrol
11-02-2006, 01:08 PM
I understand - we're girls (women) and we just want reassurance. We want to hear "Of course you're not fat, honey, you're beautiful to me!" ... but some men just DON'T GET IT. They can be brutally honest... so I've always held true to the "Don't ask the question if you don't wanna know the answer" mantra.

But in those "sometimes" when I just can't HELP MYSELF... I'll say to my husband... "do you still love me even tho I'm not as thin as I was when we met?" And he KNOWS damn well what his answer better be, LOL!!!

callystia
11-02-2006, 01:14 PM
Beach Patrol, I think that is a very wise way of asking the question--if ya just gotta hear it, which sometimes you do.

LaBonita
11-02-2006, 01:23 PM
i know how u feel. i was stupid and told my b/f that he could be honest with me, even if he thought I would get mad. well, he was honest with me all right...but he tried to be nice about it when he said it. but i agree with you...it still hurts! hold your chin up and use that as motivation. or do what i do....when i work out, i think of when he said it, and it gets me so pissed off that i start working harder without even realizing it! LOL

scrappinRN
11-02-2006, 01:41 PM
Unfortunately I have to agree with others about why did you ask. although we want honesty in our relationship, if you know the answer, why would you ask the question. Its just not fair to ask this of your BF, he's just trying to be honest, isn't that what a relationship is based on( not really , but it sounds good on oprah:smug: )

jcatron243
11-02-2006, 02:00 PM
I know how you feel, I think your b/f thought he was saying the right thing. My advice is stay away from questions that you don't want to hear the answer to.

My husband tells me I have a squishy butt! He thinks its endearing but it isn't, but he is a little on the dumb side. :)

BlueToBlue
11-02-2006, 02:09 PM
He has never told me I'm fat. He says I'm beautiful. If I say i'm fat or flabby or what not, he says no I'm beautiful. I showed him some sagging skin and he said "that is just a little bit, you look good".

You can't expect that all guys are going to respond this way to the "Am I fat" question. Everyone is different. It's great that your DF does this, but in my experience, not all guys are able to handle this question so smoothly, especially if you continue to press them on it, the way AmderD did. With a little pushing, in my experience, most guys are going to break down and give the answer you don't want to hear.

When I was at my heaviest, if I had asked my SO if I was fat, he definitely would have admitted that he thought I could lose some weight. On the other hand, if I'd asked him if I was attractive, he also would definitely have said that I was. Sometimes it's all in how you ask the question. If you want to know that you are attractive, ask that question, don't ask if you are fat. Just because you are overweight doesn't mean you aren't attractive to your SO.

Sometimes when I ask my SO a question like this and he answers poorly (his instinct is often to be too honest) I just tell him how I'd like him to answer in the future. But we have a rapport where I can say something like this to him and it's amusing, it doesn't start a fight.

he doesnt even worry about other guys hitting on me , that hurts ,i think he thinks im too fat for anyone else to want me.

Maybe he doesn't worry about other guys hitting on you because he trusts you. Really, this is a sign of maturity to me. My SO also has never worried about other guys hitting on me, not when I was 150 pounds, not now that I am 118 pounds. It has nothing to do with my weight or how attractive he thinks I am. It is because he trusts that I would never cheat on him. It would be a problem for me if he did worry about guys hitting on me. In fact, this type of worrying can often be a warning sign of someone who is overly controlling (and also very insecure).

callystia
11-02-2006, 02:17 PM
Sometimes when I ask my SO a question like this and he answers poorly (his instinct is often to be too honest) I just tell him how I'd like him to answer in the future. But we have a rapport where I can say something like this to him and it's amusing, it doesn't start a fight.

Hee! I do this to my husband. The usual method is to look him straight in the eye and say, "Now this is the part where you say...no, honey, you're absolutely beautiful."

That memory made me :D; thanks for bringing it up!

jillybean720
11-02-2006, 02:32 PM
The usual method is to look him straight in the eye and say, "Now this is the part where you say...no, honey, you're absolutely beautiful."
ha, I do this with my boyfriend, too. Boys are simple creatures--if no one tells them how to react, then how are they supposed to know? :p My boyfriend certainly wasn't going to learn anything from his mother growing up (don't even get me started on her), and he was an only child, so no sisters to train him. I have definitely been known to say things like, "Now, this is where you give me a big hug," or something like that :dizzy: He knows well enough that the correct answer to any weight- or body size-related question would be along the lines of, "Does it really matter? I love you."

Sojourner
11-02-2006, 02:36 PM
To know if we are fat or not we just need to look at a healthy weight chart or calculate our BMI. Being fat just means that you are carrying excess body weight because your fat cells have expanded. Anyone can see if a person is "fat" or not. And honestly we know all too well whether or not we are fat and don't need someone to tell us. We wouldn't be at this site if we didn't already know the answer!

My guess is that you are really wondering whether or not your boyfriend loves you just as you are. Whether he finds you attractive just as you are. These are very different things than "do you think I am fat". You are interpreting "yes you are fat" as "there is no possible way I could love someone or be attracted to someone who is overweight." Fat does not equate to unattractive or undesirable or unlovable. There is SO much more to being a loveable, desireable, beautiful woman than the size of our fat cells! This is a question about self worth as well... the reason you feel so devastated is because you are attaching your value to your boyfriend's response (even worse, your misinterpretation of your boyfriend's response). Separate out these issues and if you really don't know if your boyfriend loves you or is attracted to you... then ask him but ask him the right questions.

SwimGirl
11-02-2006, 03:02 PM
I asked my bf about this, and he said "if you keep asking the same question over and over, most guys will just answer to shut you up". Which I think is true, guys don't sit around obsessing over if their SO's gained a few pounds, they just want to watch the game/tv/show/play on the computer and NOT deal with "do you think I'm fat?" questions. Even the dumbest person would know thats totally a trap.

One thing that I thought was cute is when the bf and I were talking about this last night I told him that I didn't need for him to say I'm fat that I know I am. He said no that I'm not, and I laughed. And then said that it isn't true if you don't believe it, kinda cute I think. Plus he just likes the fact that my boobs are a DD now.

Also! All those years I thought he was sabotaging my diets? Turns out he just wanted me to be happy, and his immature mind thought food would make me happy.

AND! heh.. I'll stop soon. I was out for a run the other day and was all worried some people might think I was too fat to run, but you know what? Those are MY issues and I can't keep putting them on other people, so I gave myself a little talk and kept on going.

-Aimee

linki
11-02-2006, 04:07 PM
This is a question about self worth as well... the reason you feel so devastated is because you are attaching your value to your boyfriend's response (even worse, your misinterpretation of your boyfriend's response). Separate out these issues and if you really don't know if your boyfriend loves you or is attracted to you... then ask him but ask him the right questions.

Great insight Sojourner! I absolutely agree.

I also agree that even though he could've phrased that second comment better, he was just being honest which is what we (supposedly) want in a relationship.

midwife
11-02-2006, 05:29 PM
I learned a long time ago to not ask questions unless you want to hear the answer. This applies to kids as well.

lovethatsara
11-02-2006, 05:53 PM
In my experience my Matt answers. " Sara I love you the way you are." Thats usually where I drop it. Pressing your guy is just going to hurt your feelings, and basically you probably don't want to hear the "yes you are" answer.

Most of the issues we have is the insecurities. My boyfriend all except one I think were skinny if not all. I'm his big girl, for a long time that drove me crazy, i was really insecure about that. I told him I was insecure about that, He said " I can't help who I dated before, they were all different shapes and sizes. Sara, If I didn't love you no matter what size you may be I wouldn't be with you. " It doesn't bother me now, I knew those were my own issues not his or anyone elses.

Now he jokes with me, " you know when you get skinny I hope you don't loose your butt.. I love that big butt" I roll my eyes but I find it funny. I know he loves me even if he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful that often. I think asking baby do you think i'm beautiful is better than asking baby do u think i'm fat.

that's just my two cents.

BerkshireGrl
11-02-2006, 07:59 PM
I'm his big girl, for a long time that drove me crazy, i was really insecure about that. I told him I was insecure about that, He said "I can't help who I dated before, they were all different shapes and sizes. Sara, If I didn't love you no matter what size you may be I wouldn't be with you."... Now he jokes with me, "you know when you get skinny I hope you don't loose your butt.. I love that big butt"...

Do you mind if I clone your boyfriend? :devil:

AmberD
11-02-2006, 09:30 PM
hey guys!

Thanks for all the encouraging words.

I totally agree that I shouldn't have asked the question if I wasn't prepared to hear the answer. I know it was a mean trap that I set for him, and he thought he was doing right by being honest as gently as he is able to.

The boy did keep saying that he was attracted to me etc. But I was in such a tizzy, and didn't listen. I made the assumption that if he thought I was fat, he must think I'm unattractive. It took me to a whole nights sleep to remember that the words aren't synonymous

I've always been insecure about my weight and how I look. But it's gotten bad the last couple days.

I ran a marathon on Sunday. 26.2 friggin miles and I did every last one of them. I was sooooo oooo oooo proud.

But they take pictures at the event and you can look up your bib numbers and look at them all. And I look fat. Here I've made this terrific accomplishment. Trained for over 6 months. I should be shouting from the rooftops that I DID IT!!!!!

But I just really don't want any one to go online and look up my pictures :(

I know it's my malfuction, and I'm trying to focus on the positive, but I can be so gosh darn superficial sometimes! :dizzy:

I guess I went about getting him to reassure me the entirely wrong way! Live and learn I suppose!

BerkshireGrl
11-02-2006, 10:08 PM
You RAN A MARATHON!?

WOW! "Fat" or not, you're amazing. Don't focus on the small stuff. You're phenomenal.

KnitALisa
11-02-2006, 10:26 PM
FOR REAL!!!

Girl, I can't even run a 1/2 mile without stopping! And you went 26.2?!:yikes: That's... a whole freakin lot of miles!!

You should be proud of yourself; go get those pictures framed and hang them up where everyone can see them. Carry them around in your purse and stop strangers on the street to show them. You deserve it!!

JasonsLea
11-02-2006, 11:42 PM
At least you guys have boyfriends!

Who has a boyfriend? Not me. Kinda got mixed feelings about that.

JasonsLea
11-02-2006, 11:44 PM
Sniff! I don't, I've never had a boyfriend. Always been to fat and insecure to attract one I guess. :( But all that's CHANGING!!! :)

OMGosh! Me too. How old are you if I may ask? I'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend.

Sassy_Chick
11-02-2006, 11:58 PM
First off, WTG on the 26.2 miles! That is great! I walked 1.7 miles uphill and thought I was going to die! I can't imagine doing that many miles! So Congrats! :woohoo:

Secondly, I agree it is a no win question, I've done it myself asking questions I know I don't want the answer too so big :hug:

Thirdly I don't understand how much we weigh determines if we have a boyfriend, signicant other, or husband. Where as I am not a dating diva, I've had boyfriends and dated and now am happily married for 8 years. :) Weight should NOT determine if you find a mate or not in my own humble opinions. There are LOTS of men out there and if a man is only focused on my weight or how I "look" then they aren't for me. I understand there has to be a certain amount of "attraction" but as I said, there are lots of men out there and not all want little tiny model look alikes!

These are just my own humble opinions based on my own experiences!

:hug:

UWPiPhiAngel
11-03-2006, 01:30 AM
I'm the same way! I know I shouldn't ask questions like that but I do it anyways then get mad.

My BF would always make comments about my chub (he thinks it's endearing, like when he nicknamed me "little pig"), but whenever I actually try to do something about it he starts sabotaging my efforts and telling me that it's not healthy to diet. I only lost a couple pounds the first week but he got all serious and said "you have to stop, I don't like skinny girls (right, his ex was under 100 pounds)... I don't want you to lose your butt" (that wasn't a concern for me because I had a BIG butt! I'm so glad my butt and thighs have shrunk!). I thought: my weight fluctuates more than that and he's already trying to stop me?! I got really irritated and firmly said NO. I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for ME. I'm sick of feeling all too comfortable with my weight because I already have a BF and have no one left to impress. He almost never compliments me (he rarely compliments anything) so why shouldn't I seek compliments elsewhere? Trying to lose weight does not mean that I have low self-esteem or that I don't love myself though. I was very confident even when I was over 140.

jillybean720
11-03-2006, 06:28 AM
Weight should NOT determine if you find a mate or not in my own humble opinions. There are LOTS of men out there and if a man is only focused on my weight or how I "look" then they aren't for me. I understand there has to be a certain amount of "attraction" but as I said, there are lots of men out there and not all want little tiny model look alikes!
I agree a million percent :D I didn't have a real boyfriend until I was almost 22 years old--never dated in high school or even in college (I didn't meet him till after I graduated from college). I always thought the same thing--that I was too fat to attract any men. Because I felt this way, I was acting differently. I wouldn't dance or initiate conversation with any guys at parties or anything like that. Any guy that did talk to me, I just assumed he would become a friend and eventually confess his love for...one of my best friends (as was ALWAYS the case in high school :mad: ). So yeah, I blamed my fat for my long-term singledom.

Then I stopped being so stupid and superficial about MYSELF.

You do NOT have to put your life on hold until you've got the perfect body. I met my boyfriend when I weighed almost 300 pounds. He has been with me for over 2.5 years, living together for over 1 year, and he has seen me range from about 264 up to 310.5 (my highest). In all that time, he has NEVER once mentioned my weight (unless I bring it up due to my own insecurity, at which point he reminds me that my weight does NOT matter to him because he loves ME). In fact, if he even mentioned it playfully (such as calling me his "little pig"), I would be quite offended. No one is perfect--sure, we may be overweight, but guess what...even the guys who make fun of us are probably balding, have acne, have dandruff, have a huge nose, have webbed toes...the difference is that they don't OBSESS over their imperfections and allow them to control their lives, and neither should we!

So if you think you don't have a significant other because of your weight, think again. It's more likely your attitude about your weight that's holdig you back, and if someone cares so much about some extra weight on you, then why would you want to be with them anyway? Bodies change over time, and superficial beauty fades--if they can't accept you as imperfect now, how will they react if you get pregnant? get sick and gain weight due to illness? get old and wrinkly? get into an accident and end up with a funky scar? I know I would never want to be with someone whose feelings for me depend on my appearance--how degrading to WHO you are inside.

KnitALisa
11-03-2006, 08:19 AM
OMGosh! Me too. How old are you if I may ask? I'm 20 and have never had a boyfriend.
Also 20! Don't worry, we gots all the time in the world.

It's more likely your attitude about your weight that's holdig you back
And I agree with this one. I also think, in my case, I just haven't been ready and haven't been comfortable with my whole self. I've had flirtations, I've had numbers in my pocket, but I never felt ... ready? Does that make any sense?
Personally, I'm not losing the weight to attract a man (although that would be nice!), I'm doing it to feel comfortable in my own skin.

passionfruit
11-03-2006, 08:42 AM
Phew I'm not alone! I have never had a boyfriend either :o . For me, I have been ashamed of my weight and always gave the hint that I wasn't looking for any (except I felt like I needed to cuddle up to someone at times). Honestly, I would love to have some guy to hand my heart to.

jillybean - So true! We girls are so complex in many ways that we obsess over everything about ourselves. Sometimes I wish there was an easier way to defeat that...besides gradual confidence building :dizzy:

Jen415
11-03-2006, 10:36 AM
As a woman who could be mom to some of you all (or at least older sister), I just want to emphasize how important it is to develop who YOU are first before settling down with a mate. Had I taken that advice many many years ago, I probably wouldnt have married until I was almost 30. I was 22 when I married the first time, and if I had known how drastically I would have grown in my 20's I would have waited longer. Some couples grow together--others grow apart.

Back to the original question: I learned when I was about your age NOT to ask that question. It's just not fair to the guy because no matter what they say, it's the wrong answer!

lilybelle
11-03-2006, 12:38 PM
I really don't think weight has to do with finding a mate. I met and married mine when I was 210 lbs. and a size 18. He has never said anything about my weight. Even now that I have lost it, he says "honey, you weren't really very big". Which is a big , fat lie. He has been with me through my illness and saw me at 234 lbs. with the chipmunk cheeks from prednisone and the 47" tummy. He has loved me through it all. Never once did he act turned off about my weight. He sees me for the person that I am and not my scale weight.

Beach Patrol
11-03-2006, 12:38 PM
You RAN A MARATHON!?

WOW! "Fat" or not, you're amazing. Don't focus on the small stuff. You're phenomenal.

DITTO THAT!!!!!!!!
Wow! 26.2 miles!!! You're my inspiration!!!!!!! :carrot:

cagirlygirl
11-03-2006, 12:41 PM
So if you think you don't have a significant other because of your weight, think again. It's more likely your attitude about your weight that's holdig you back,

Amen, Jill! How is it that you always manage to say exactly the right thing? ;)

I'm 34, and didn't have my first serious boyfriend until this year. :faint: I dated here and there, but was never with anyone for longer than a couple of months. For me, it didn't happen until I lost the weight. The thing I discovered is that the thing that was keeping me out of a relationship was not my fat body, but my fat head.

I wasted a LOT of time feeling like I was unlovable. Turns out I'm not. :dance: Yay! I just had to adjust my attitude and find a little self confidence. My advice? Don't waste too much time feeling badly about yourself. Love who you are. The rest will fall into place. :yes:

cheers! :hat:
paula

jcatron243
11-03-2006, 01:42 PM
Amber great job on the marathon!!! wow 26.2 miles all at once??? ran, walked, or crawled I think it is a great great accomplishment. And can I tell you a secret (shhh dont tell anyone this) NOBODY LOOKS GOOD WHEN THEY ARE RUNNING!!! :) NOT EVEN SKINNY GIRLS!! I would die if anyone took picture of me running!!! I turn bright red, my nose runs, If I don't spit every few minutes, every breath I take I spray, and that is just doing a mile. I can't even fathom what I would look like if I ran (or walked) 26.2!!!

midwife
11-03-2006, 08:57 PM
Congrats on the marathon!!

beautifulone
11-05-2006, 02:25 AM
Amber: that is a awesome!! I know it's easy to focus in on our insecurities, but oh, I hope you are basking in the glow of this amazing accomplishment!!! :D

Jill: I'm going to print out what you wrote!

I have had such body image problems and for as long as I could remember, have defined my level of worth and loveability by my body :( Ouch, I spent years in pain. I am working through it, learning, transitioning, taking steps along the way... through it, I have realized that I am not yet ready for a relationship and I have a lot to work through between now and when I will be ready.

jillybean720
11-05-2006, 09:48 AM
Ouch, I spent years in pain. I am working through it, learning, transitioning, taking steps along the way... through it, I have realized that I am not yet ready for a relationship and I have a lot to work through between now and when I will be ready.
Wow, what an insanely mature realization! So many people just seek a mate because everyone else has one, so it must be the "right" thing to do. But if you can't even love yourself, then how can you expect someone else to love you properly? Or how can you expect to love someone else completely if you're so focused on your own inadequacies?

Ready2ShedLBS
11-05-2006, 02:16 PM
My dbf & I met online in a Yahoo chat over 2 years ago. At the time, I was fat. I had a picture on my Yahoo profile. He sent me a private message & we started to chat. He commented on my picture, saying he thought I was very attractive:o In the meantime, I had just started Atkins because I was tired of being fat all my life and worrying since I was getting older about high blood pressure, diabetes & heart problems (all of which are in my family). That was over 2 years ago and he was very supportive from that day to this. We met in person almost a year ago, I had lost about 80 lbs at the time. He is always telling me how proud of me he is & how great he thinks I look. BUT, my point is, he fell in love with me when I was fat...NOT when I was thin. It's very sad that people too often judge others based on how they look instead of getting to know the person as a person first. Dr. Phil has a saying and it applies to many areas of life "If you did what you always did...you'll get what you always got". When you find the right person for you, you will KNOW it. They will accept you for YOU. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

All the best to you,

Kim

I have a bad habit of these days now that I dont have so much of a weight problem of pre-judging if a certain guy would have looked at me if I was still fat. Guys that tell me I have a " great body" make me wonder if they would have liked me back then. Generally those are the guys I dont talk to.

Tara D
11-05-2006, 04:07 PM
I just turned 30, and I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend in my teens and early/mid-20's. I actually never wanted to get married before I was 25 (somehow knew this even as a teenager). I've definitely changed a lot in the last 10 years, and I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and how to relate to others. I think it is a very personal decision, and I personally believe that I would have been much more vulnerable to a less than desirable relationship when I was younger. Who knows, maybe I could have been lucky and met a wonderful person who could grow with me and respect me and who I could respect, but I think I would have needed more luck then to make that happen than now. I think I'd also be more likely (no guarantees of course) to stay HAPPILY married forever if I got married now than 10 years ago.

buckettgirl
11-05-2006, 06:53 PM
In reference to the original post:

I think that, generally, women are too sensitive.
If you are fat, you're fat. Period - if you KNOW you are then why press the issue with your significant other, when it really doesn't matter to them what size you are.
I have asked my husband what he thought of my size on many different occassions (not if he thought I was fat, but what he thought of my size). All he would tell me was that I was not fat - which I frankly find very insulting. Unless you are a bodybuilder, ANY person who weighs 350lbs is FAT! OBESE! MORBIDLY OBESE!!! I have never been in denial about being fat, and when others try to sugar-coat the truth, it pisses me off. Probably the honest answer from my husband would be that my size, whether fat or thin, does not bother him.
I think that when pressed on the issue, a person answers that yes you are fat, and you get upset - that is your own insecurities and personal issues with your size and the truth of your size; taking it to be anything hurtful or insensitive (unless the person is flat out attacking you) is taking it too far. Often times, the truth hurts.

AmberD
11-05-2006, 11:49 PM
I think that, generally, women are too sensitive.
If you are fat, you're fat. Period - if you KNOW you are then why press the issue with your significant other

The thing is, I know I'm insecure. And I know I have a distorted body image. But I don't KNOW if other people consider me fat or if most of the negativity is in my head.

I'm 5'10. I weigh in the 170's. That's borderline on the overweight.

I know I have some excess poundage, but sometimes I think how I percieve myself is worse than the reality.

I honestly did not expect him to say "Yes, you are kind of fat"

lilybelle
11-06-2006, 12:41 AM
Amber, I don't think that most people would consider someone 5'10 and in the 170's as Fat. That isn't even overweight, IMHO. I bet you look just fantastic and don't realize it for yourself. I am 5'7 and when I hit 165, I thought I was looking GREAT. Sorry he hurt your feelings.

Soulmia
11-06-2006, 01:34 AM
I have the weirdest story of all - I'm convinced :D

I have always been chubby...from school through college...and even now. A lot of us I'm sure, sailed in similar boats... I am Indian and live in India. We have a dress called Salwar Kameez. It's basically large trousers (drawstring) worn under a large top that often falls below the knees. It does lovely things to hide one's fat...and I hid under this for all my college life. I have a pretty face ( i know that) and even though I was heavy, I always got a lot of attention in college.
And yes, I did have a couple boyfriends:D
But when i was 24, I met (what I thought was) the man of my dreams. Andrew was everything i thought I wanted. he seemed kind, funny and very grounded. We got married after a whirlwind romance of three months... (where we never slept together as we were living in different cities and whenever he visited, it just wasn't possible - so yes...i married a man i hadn't slept with;) ). On my wedding night I figured that he was gay! I still stayed married to him for 7 years ( DON'T ask why:D) even though we had a platonic relationship. But when I reached 30, i realised that i wanted more and decided to come out of the relationship. that's when **** broke lose. He told me I was worthless and fat and that I was ugly beyond compare. He didn't know how he hadn't vomited everytime he was with me these past 7 years etc etc...and it hurt. You can imagine how much.
I have since met a wonderful man. We've lived together for almost 2 years now and he supports everything I do. I always ask him too...do I look fat in this? and he gets very uncomfortable when I ask him that but he always says no. I know and he knows he's sparing my feelings but you know what - that's what good men do. You have enough to deal with from others- why should he also join the bandwagon??
He said something to me the other night, which I will always remember:
We were at a party and then got back after that and were discussing the evening like most couples do...and he said this: I know you have issues about your weight...and I understand where you're coming from.... but most good people look beyond that...and those who don't aren't worth your time. So quit wondering who thinks you're fat. Just enjoy your time...and remember, I love you...through thick and thin :D
i slept such a wonderful sleep that night....:D
So, yes - it is a horrible question to ask, but we all do, either out loud or to ourselves - and the truth is that only person who's truth you'll accept is your own.

lilybelle
11-06-2006, 02:45 AM
Soulmia, I thought I was the only one on here that had married a man and found out he was gay. That is some of the reason my second marriage only lasted 3 months and 6 days. I caught him leaving a motel with his arms around a MAN. It definitely wasn't just a "buddy" hug. Looking back, I should have known, but I was clueless. He@@, I dated him 2 yrs. before marrying him. He said that being with me, turned him gay. LOL

Soulmia
11-06-2006, 03:25 AM
oooh lily... gurl we are kindred spirits :-) My husband also said I turned him gay...and then he quickly altered that and said he felt gay but he's actually not...he's still not out! lol!
poor soul....in my opinion, you live this life once- live it with someone you love if you have to live it with someone.... not someone you have to live with!
But hey...look oon the brighter side of things...we're better off without the jerks!
lets buddy up!!!!

slimNstrong
11-06-2006, 11:19 AM
My hubby started telling me that I've gained weight and that I should really try losing it because it was making me look unattractive. I was incensed.

He waffled around it for a while but he kept coming back to "well you have to admit, you *have* gained weight". After hearing this and hearing this and hearing this, I took a good long look and realized that he'd gained much more than I have. I realized that he was taking his dissatisfaction out on me.

I lost one single inch off my waist, then told him that when he does the same that he has a licence to make another comment, but until then, he needed to shut up about it.

It's been over two years and I haven't heard another peep.

I'm working on my own health because I live in this body and I want it to keep working well. I will *not* tolerate comments from the peanut galery and that fact that you asked doesn't make a difference. He should have said "you're beautiful" end of story.

SlimNStrong