I know these types of threads have been floating around here a lot recently, but I honestly don't know who to talk to about this. I don't want to make a big deal out of something that isn't, and I don't want to bring it up to my boyfriend unless I absolutely need to. So, I figured I'd ask you girls what you would do in my situation.
The background is my bf and I have been dating for almost 10 months now. I posted a thread a little while back about us not having sex...well that problem is no longer an issue, if you know what I mean. ANYWAY, things seemed to be going great, no other issues to speak of.
Here's the deal. I noticed a few weeks back that he was facebook chatting with this girl he's friends with on facebook. He's never mentioned this girl as being a friend and I know they never hang out. When I noticed their chat, I just figured it was a random girl he went to high school with and they were just catching up. I honestly don't get jealous over innocent things like that. HOWEVER...something was bugging me about it.
So, today, I was using his ipad and ended up getting on facebook. Well, the chat was saved on there in his messages. I took it upon myself to read their chat. Now I know it was an invasion of privacy and snooping...etc...but I had been thinking about this for weeks and just decided to be nosy. I have been cheated on before and facebook was how I found out about it. I can't let that happen to me again. This is the only time i've ever snooped through any of his convos (facebook, texts, anything). The problem is...I found something...kind of.
This girl is engaged to another guy, btw. Nothing in the convo implied that they had ever dated or that anything had EVER happened physically between them. However, there were multiple remarks from both sides about "the us that could have been" and comments about how my boyfriend can't stand to look at their engagement pictures and how he regrets not asking her out. Now, this girl has been with her fiancee for years, so the "asking her out" thing would have happened a long time ago. But it really really bothers me. Those comments, to me, made it sound like if she wasn't engaged that he would pursue her.
Am I reading way too much into this? Should I say anything about it? I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me. What would you guys do in this situation? Would you forget about it and write it off as innocent comments or would you admit that you had been snooping and confront him? I'm just so confused and hurt right now.
coulda...shoulds...woulda. If she's engaged his chance is gone. Sure, he can reminisce on it but thats about it. He is with YOU now. We all have those "the one that got away" people in our lives, if your boyfriend is old enough to date, he's old enough to have a few. Don't let it paint a shadow on what you have with him now. And, stop snooping if you don't want to get hurt...said in a friendly way.
Thanks for the responses. I agree that the snooping part was wrong of me. I'm not planning on making it a habit, just curious as to what others would do with the info that I got. I guess my main concern is that he has current strong feelings for this girl. Despite the fact that he has no chance with her, it still bothers me that he might drop me and go be with her if she were to become single. I mean, isn't there a difference between "the one that got away" and having current feelings? Maybe not...but I've never experienced this so I don't know.
ask and you shall recieve.....in other words, if we snoop we will ALWAYS find things that we shouldn't be finding.
Not to say that his actions are justified and I do think he was out of line to say that kind of stuff.
Is this something you can forget and move on from without saying anything? If so, then I would do it at this point to avoid an invasion of privacy conversation/fight/argument. If you can't move past it (I couldn't) then you have to tread very lightly.
In my relationship, everything is an open book. He can log onto my FB any damn time he wants, he can look through my phone, he can do whatever. I have nothing to hide....and vice versa.
Do you guys live together? What do you think his reaction would be to you snooping and seeing that conversation?
Although I don't condone snooping, sometimes it's what confirms suspicians. It did for me with my last bf. He denied ANYTHING was going on but I found evidence otherwise on his computer. We had been together 6 years, were building a house together and were talking about marriage etc.
So I felt I had every damn right to "snoop".
The fact that you found something that otherwise may have never been bought up confirms that you really had reason to snoop.
I would confront him. He will be mad, not because you snooped, but because he has been caught.
mammasita, I guess those were my thoughts when I was looking at the chat. I would have no problem with him looking through my facebook, phone, etc. because I have nothing to hide. He shouldn't either. I can understand him feeling spied on and like i said earlier, it probably won't happen again b/c obviously it just causes problems. I honestly don't know how he would react if I told him I knew about the chat. We do live together and he never seems to be worried that I'll discover something when he's not there. I don't think he would immediately break up with me, but I don't really want to take that chance. Idk I guess ultimately I'll just try to forget about it. But I also don't want to bury my head in the sand and ignore problems.
This actually happened to me about 4 years ago. I was broken up with (dumped) based on one of my ex-boyfriends looking through my gmail account and seeing a conversation I had with a guy I dated YEARS before him.
The boy from the past and I had caught up with eachother and talked about the what ifs. He was in a 7 year relationship and I was single at the time. The boyfriend who dumped me snooped and saw this message exchange that happened BEFORE he and I got together. I guess he couldn't handle seeing that I had feelings for someone else in the past (or he was looking for a reason to break up LOL).
Anyway, remembering this situation makes me think that what your boyfriend said was simply words, past feelings.
Ok, maybe I'm missing something here....is guy is TELLING another woman that he wishes he was with her, and feels upset looking at her engagement photos?! Um, snooping is not your biggest problem here, the problem is your boyfriend is a lout, that's emotional infidelity. He's obviously not appreciative of you and sooner or later will find someone he wishes he was with who isn't engaged.
I say nip this in the bud, move out and dump his *** - before he does it to you.
Thanks for the story, it actually really helps. I'm starting to think that maybe it was just an innocent convo and it has nothing to do with our relationship. At least I'm hoping that's the case. I just hope ignoring it doesn't come back to bite me later on. Especially considering he's probably about to deploy overseas for 9 months. The decision to wait on him was pretty much nonexistent before today..now I'm a little concerned. But I guess I'll go with my instinct. Thanks for all the thoughts everyone!
While I do hate the thought of snooping, if something seems off its better to know before its too late. My ex blew up at me for not trusting him but he was telling multiple girls how he wished they lived closer so he could get to know them all the while cheating on me (including joining in on some threesomes with his neighbor). If you've got a feeling its better to address it sooner than later. I wouldn't settle for second best. Honestly the things he's saying to her are way past red flags in my opinion. Unless you're willing to pretend it never happened and hope for the best you should have a serious talk. From my experience I don't trust even if they're in a relationship because I've talked all night with a girl who said she loved her bf and would never cheat and I came back to find her in bed with my then bf.
Ok, maybe I'm missing something here....is guy is TELLING another woman that he wishes he was with her, and feels upset looking at her engagement photos?! Um, snooping is not your biggest problem here, the problem is your boyfriend is a lout, that's emotional infidelity. He's obviously not appreciative of you and sooner or later will find someone he wishes he was with who isn't engaged.
I say nip this in the bud, move out and dump his *** - before he does it to you.
the only thing here is that he never actually said he wishes he was with her. It was more of a "if the timing was right, what would have happened?" kind of thing. I think I jumped to the worst possibility and assumed that he did wish he was with her. Or I guess, those are my fears. he did say that he didn't like looking at her engagement pictures. I think that bothered me the most, knowing that he couldn't even be happy for her getting married.
'...I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me...'
This is interesting...if you think things were great until you read the message - are you blaming yourself for finding out something? would you rather not know? I ask because once-upon-a-time, I would have thought the same way. As a matter of fact, I did when i sent a then-recent 'X' a letter when his mom died and got a nasty letter back in return. I thought - oh, look what I did (ugh, thinking back on that makes me sick with myself!).
So, many years later I ask you: What is your standard for yourself. You are sleeping with this guy and he's writing to another woman about how he can't stand to see her engagement pictures. If you're OK with that, carry on as usual. If you're not, then speak with him. True, it is his business what he writes to her, but if he's in your bed it's your business, too.
Worried that he'll brake up with you? Why would you be worried about that?
I agree with Katbot24 that You give him the boot. Raise your standards, dear, you are worth more than what you're getting here
'...I really don't want to start any conflict or tension between us when things were great until I read the damn message. But at the same time, if he truly has feelings for another girl and I'm just 2nd best...well that's not ok with me...'
This is interesting...if you think things were great until you read the message - are you blaming yourself for finding out something? would you rather not know? I ask because once-upon-a-time, I would have thought the same way. As a matter of fact, I did when i sent a then-recent 'X' a letter when his mom died and got a nasty letter back in return. I thought - oh, look what I did (ugh, thinking back on that makes me sick with myself!).
So, many years later I ask you: What is your standard for yourself. You are sleeping with this guy and he's writing to another woman about how he can't stand to see her engagement pictures. If you're OK with that, carry on as usual. If you're not, then speak with him. True, it is his business what he writes to her, but if he's in your bed it's your business, too.
I guess in a way I am blaming myself because everyone knows snooping is taboo. Like the first few pp's said...I shouldn't have looked if I didn't want to know. And they're right. I guess my biggest question still is: is this enough of a reason to get into a big discussion/argument? Am I overreacting? I still don't know.
I would be super pissed if my husband snooped through my Facebook, text messages, etc. I have nothing to hide - I have never and would never cheat on him. But I've never given him any reason to think I was up to no good, so if he were to snoop, I would consider it an invasion of my privacy...if I were acting shady and doing suspicious things, I still wouldn't like being snooped on, but at least I would know WHY I was being snooped on. Does that make sense? lol...that's just my opinion though. Yes, I would be very mad, but I wouldn't end a relationship over it.
Anyway, I think you're just going to have to decide if it's worth the risk of confronting him. If this is something that will always be in the back of your mind, and you'll always be wondering about it to the point where it's going to drive you crazy that he still talks to this girl, then I think you should really talk to him about it. But if it's something you can move past and forget about, and you're scared that he might break up with you for snooping, then I wouldn't say anything.
Alternatively, you could always just casually ask him about this girl - how does he know her, what's she like, etc. Just in a curious, making conversation type way. You can see what he says and go from there.
ETA: I personally would be very bothered if my significant other said those things to another girl.
Serious relationship question
