[aliasihaya]

I'm just starting out my day wrong. I hate it when that happens because I never really recover until the next day. I work at a company who has a large group of employees in India. There are many things I hate about that but the most is that I have to get up at around 6 or 7 AM for conference calls. I'm not a morning person so I'm usually a bit cranky when I have to talk to someone this early. Well today just everything seemed wrong. I wasn't the key person but I needed to pay attention and participate. Everytime I chimed in it sounded bitter and antagonisitic. I felt like I wanted to go through the phone and strangle everyone. I just couldn't get on track on the call. And then I started crying because I was so frustrated with myself. So finally I just came on this site and stopped paying attention. And then 10 minutes ago I just left the meeting without letting anyone know. I just dropped off. And the worst thing is that I don't even feel guilty about it.

I've fought depression for as long as I can remember. I hate it. It sucks the life out of me. But I've usually always been functional in school and then work. I've always managed to keep my composure outside in the 'real' world. I've had blow ups every now and then but I've always managed to recover from them. But lately I just don't want to work. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to do anything. But I can't lose my job. That's just not an option. I don't know what I'd do. So I have to break out of this. Unfortunately every medication we've tried gets me only so far and then I hit a wall. It's getting bad again and I just want it to go away. I want the magic pill that will numb these extreme feelings that I get.

I guess the good news is that I see the new psychiatrist this morning. I've only been to her once and she was really positive about reassessing everything. The first trial run hasn't worked. So I'm going back and am hoping that she'll have some new ideas. Its hard for me because I have to avoid all of the medications that make you gain weight and there are a lot. So my options are limited. But at this point I just don't care. I can't live like this anymore.

Anyway, guess this was just a rant. I hate it when my day starts off wrong. It makes getting through life today hard. I just want to close my eyes and try again tomorrow. But it doesn't work that way as a grown up. Oh well. Maybe I'll have better news in a few hours.

[tavvy]

I can really sympathize with how you are feeling right now! For the past week my moods have been the same and the mood swings I thought were defeated are rampant. As a teenager I was treated for severe depression and violent mood swings but as soon as I was old enough to refuse treatment I did. I don't recommend it, but I have been pretty successful at having only 1-2 meltdowns a year. Recently though the weight of all the things that are happening right now have gotten to me because I can't get enough sleep, I'm either starving or not hungry, and I haven't had time to workout or journal. I'm sure you know all of this already but make some time for yourself! I told my boss yesterday that I cannot work overtime anymore because it is preventing me from taking care of myself. We all need our jobs, but more than that we need our sanity. hope the doctor can help you today, and remember that you deserve to be happy and feel good!

[aliasihaya]

Thanks.

I just met with my doctor. I have a bit of hope. We're trying a few things. She's changing my antidepressant. And then adding a stimulant to give me more motivation. And then giving me atavan for the times when I'm really irritable like this morning. I can't wait to start. I know that it's a lot (I'm also on Lamictal, wellbutrin, blood pressure medication, thyroid medication, and diabetes medication). So I'm a bit overwhelmed. But I really don't care as long as it helps. The ultimate goal is to get me moving so that I can lose weight. I'm really really hoping this will do it.

As for today, I'm attending a couple more meetings, but essentially taking a sick day. I'm exhausted from this morning and I don't want to have anymore outbursts. I'm hoping things will improve tomorrow.

[QueenofThorn]

I'm not sure what your physical condition is, but have you ever tried yoga? It was the one bit of mental solace I had while unemployed and feeling worthless. The teacher emphasized emptying our minds and not judging ourselves by our appearances or by circumstances in our lives that are difficult. Repeatedly training myself to separate my mind from my appearance while I stretched/balanced helped a lot with the anger. These days when I take a day off from work due to exhaustion I do yoga at home to make the most of the rest I'm getting.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible morning. Maybe some of that isn't just depression, though... Maybe you are one of those people not genetically inclined to get up early. It's not just an old wives' tale--there really are "night" people. During busy seasons at work, I have to get up at 5am every morning to get to work on time, sometimes earlier. Unlike my coworkers, I can't make it through the entire 12-16-hr day without napping for 1.5-2 hours in the middle of the day. But when work calls us to be up all night, I am more awake than anyone else. Do you live near your house? Can you take a slightly longer lunch break and do a midday nap?