so, this isn't really diet/exercise related, but it is related to weight i guess and i wasn't really sure where to post but here goes...
what do you do when you realize a certain man that you've liked for three years...well when you realize, it's never going to happen with the two of you?
I've been interested in this guy since I've known him for the past three years. He's a good friend, we talk daily over e-mail, and I consider him to be very attractive. Over the the three years, there have been times when I've felt we've been so close to something happening, and then nothing. And then i've seen other girls that he's dated (and there are plenty) and this is going to make me sound uber *****y but they're not particularly pretty, but they're ALL about let's see 120 lbs maybe tops? I have finally realized, he's never going to date a girl that's overweight. It is as simple as that. Do yall notice that? That at our age, in your twenties, guys will always go for the thin girl? At the end of the day, a very attractive (physically) male will just not date a girl like myself. And although i'm down 30 lbs, i still have a long way to go at 168. I mean, at bars, i am INVISIBLE. NO ONE looks at me, and will literally STALK my 115 lb. blonde friend.
I'm posting this now b/c i just got back from going out with him. We went to dinner (he paid!) and then a football game, and while dinner went sooo well, as soon as we got to the game, he started instant messaging or gchatting some other GIRL on his blackberry (ok i sneaked a peek. so shoot me.) I couldn't believe it. who does that?! at the end of the night, we just went our separate ways. ugh.
anyway, i realize this is kind of turning out to be a pity post, but I just needed to vent. let it all out. i'm just so disappointed. my best friend and i have recently been talking about how we're not sure we're EVER going to find one person that we want to spend the rest of our life with.
The blonde friend, particularly bleached blonde, will ALWAYS get hit on the most at bars. They are bar-guy magnets. You could be another Cindy Crawford, but your blonde friend will still get the attention (this rule only applies at bars).
It must be the dark lighting, maybe our blonde friends simply "show up" better to the drunken eye.
Secondly, being "waif" is a terrible idea - as I know from ALL of my very athletic past boyfriends and current boyfriend, that it is important for a woman to NOT be waif. That is considered "un-sexy" in real life. It may be sexy in Hollywood, but the normal guy finds curves much more appealing. So, don't try to become VERY thin, you will only be starving yourself and your efforts will be counterproductive in the guy department.
Healthy, happy, and confident (and freshly showered). I think those are the most important things.
^^^This
I understand how you feel. Its hard when you like someone for so long and he doesn't reciprocate; however, you just have to realize. There are other guys out there. Good guys who can appreciate a healthy woman. We are more than our bodies. This guy obviously is not worthy of you. Especially if he's worried about his next bootie call on your date. Just keep doing you. As for bars, confidence speaks volumes. At 226, I had guys on my junk at the bar. But then again, who actually wants bar guys? Trashy....Just keep taking care of yourself and everything will work out.
Thanks you guys! I know you're right, and I don't even know why I would WANT to be with a guy who would be texting a girl while with another. Some people just get under your skin I guess. I don't think he's a bad guy, and I even texted that one blonde friend later, telling her what was going on and asking her WHO would do such a thing and her response: "Easy. guys. they don't think. just do."
Bonnie - and no worries, I definitely do not plan on becoming 'waifish.' I def. do not plan on getting under 120, not even under 130. I feel like 135 would be a healthy goal weight for me but if I get to 140/145 and feel good and stop losing I might stop there. But, I also think it's funny what you mean about blondes always winning out. It's SO TRUE. And I actually grabbed a drink with one of my (brunette) friends before dinner last night, and we were talking about how in a bar, guys flock to bright blondes, and even she mentioned how it simply come down to the fact that in the dark lighting, they just stand out more. I remember reading somewhere men respond most to contrast, like black v. white, so it would make sense that in a dark bar men would go for the blondes. Something so superficial, and so simple.
And redliss: I think you're right about the confidence thing. that same blonde friend has more confidence (but not arrogance) than anybody I know. I think that helps a lot because guys are not afraid to approach her because she makes it so easy for them. At the same time, again, she's like 5'2, 115 lbs, and gorgeous, so why WOULDNT she have confidence in a bar??
Oh my gosh! That sounds exactly like a situation I had with a guy when I was 18-20. We met when I was at home for the summer right before I started college, and we became really good friends over email, hanging out, etc. (I went to school in another state). Whenever I would go home, we would hang out for several hours... I always felt like we were on the verge of something happening, but nothing ever did. It was so confusing, like why would this guy hang out with me, write me super long emails, talk with me all the time if he wasn't interested?
Finally I just gave up because I'd had enough and started meeting guys at my own college. Like you I just finally realized it wasn't going to happen. I can say this NOW (but I didn't understand it at the time), when guys want something, they go after it. If he wanted to date me, he would have found a way to do so. I wish I had known that instead of wasting 2 or 3 years liking a guy who just strung me along.
I would stop contact with him. In my experience it's the best thing to do. Fat Pants is right. If men want something they will go after it, even if it takes them a little longer to do so. But 2-3 years? He's not interested. And even if he comes around why would you want to be with him? In the back of your mind you'll remember that he likes the thin girls and feel worse. And no girl deserves that.
Bars probably aren't the best place to meet people. Most people I know sure didn't meet their spouse in a bar. lol I'd just move on.
Yeah... even if he does come up to you after you lose more weight... like ibc said, do you really even want to be with him then? You'll always remember that you weren't good enough for him at a bigger size and constantly stress over staying absolutely thin (which we all know doesn't happen easily, and who needs that added stress over fluctuations like that??) for him. Now that I'm losing weight, so many more guys that I've known are showing more interest in me and frankly, I've told them exactly like it is. I'm with the guy that I love who was my friend and was attracted to me when I was at my HEAVIEST three years ago, though we couldn't do much about it because of the distance between us so we just stayed friends. I want a guy that loves me no matter what I look like.... not a guy who loves me on conditions.
Keep him around til you lose your weight and then have a good time making him sweat but never... ever date him.
Ok, I know that's not the solution, but doesn't it sound good?
hahahahahaha
is it bad that thought has actually crossed my mind as well? Kind of like an "if you weren't going to have me then you sure as **** aren't going to have me now..." moment. it would be glorious
I am no longer a 20 something. I hear what you are saying though. May I ask you---have you ever considered dating an older guy--30 something? My hubby is ten years my senior. WHY? Because I was sick of the drama involved in dating guys my own age! I also was attracted to older men from a very young age. Certainly though--once I started dating older men (once I became an adult) I simply could not stomach young guys and their crap anymore.
I don't think you have to tie it to your weight. Honestly, maybe he just doesn't see you outside the friend-zone, even if you weight 120lbs. If he is really happy with your friendship (and the consistent contact seems to imply this)...perhaps he doesn't want to risk losing you as a friend if a relationship doesn't work. Or perhaps he doesn't know you're interested in him like that.
If you weren't interested in him for more than just friendship, him texting another girl wouldn't be such a major issue. While I think its rude to text while you're with friends, i don't think its meant to be mean to you.
IDK, i just think that sometimes, because we're all so focused on our weights, we're more inclined to tie any hardship we face to lbs. I'm just another believer in self-confident women, no matter their sizes, attract the most men.
Thanks everyone for all the responses! You guys are the best
Thighs Be Gone - I actually have thought of that, and I typically go for guys who are at least a year or two older than me, but I'm going to be 25 in May, so I've now become much more open to dating guys closer to 28,29,30....I generally do find them much more attractive than guys my own age.
Duckyyellowfeet - It's interesting you mention the friends things. Sometimes I think maybe he just doesn't know I feel this way? After all, I've never told him. Which leads me to your next point: I've never told him I feel this way b/c if he doesn't reciprocate or being a couple doesn't work, it could mess up a very good friendship. One thing I find odd though is his best friend (who is also a very close guy friend of mine) keeps pestering me if I like his friend (we'll call him Matt). I know that sounds obvious, like thats a sign maybe Matt is interested and wants to know if I'm open to it so he's sending in his best friend to do his dirty work. At the same time, like I said this guy is also a close friend of mine who maybe wants to see two of his close friends get together and he's just trying to stir the pot... I go back and forth many times a day: 1) he likes me and is just too scared to admit / ruin a friendship; 2) he just doesn't see me that way. It's just, when we're together, it's just different btwn the two of us, then him and other girl friends and me and my other guy friends.
And you're right about the texting thing. I don't think he was trying to rude/mean, he just didn't realize it. I mean, I get mad at one of my girlfriends when she checks her emails on her blackberry when we're out to dinner. It's just rude!
What to do when you realize....
