Weight Loss Support - The death of my cheat day

Up until this point, my plan has always allowed for cheat days. I like going out. I enjoy going out on dates to restaurants with my husband- the atmosphere, the food, maybe a couple drinks. And, I feel that these cheat days have helped me, because many times, they have shaken up my metabolism and prevented me from stalling out for too long. They also keep me from feeling deprived. I can easily stay on plan the rest of the week now, if I "let it all out" one day a week.

But I only do well if the cheat day is just that... a day. If it becomes 2 or 3, then I am in trouble.

I am going to be starting BFL soon, and I was thrilled to see that he is also an advocate for the cheat day. That in itself makes me feel like it's a plan that I could see following for life.

However, my husband may force me to give up the cheat day forever, and honestly, I am pretty upset about it.

Last night, we went out for Chinese food at my favorite Chinese place. They have some of THE BEST chinese food I have ever had. Seriously amazing stuff, with very high quality ingredients. So, we went, I had sesame chicken and fried rice, and it was delicious. But, the serving they gave me.... INSANE. I mean, I could eat it for 3 whole days and still not finish it. So, I ate what I could and the girl packed up the rest of it for me, and we went home.

Two hours after I got home, I found myself munching on the leftovers. Which was fine... it was my cheat day. But when I finished, I realized that I needed to get the rest out of the house. Today, I get back on plan, and having chinese food in the house is very dangerous. So, I tell my husband I want to throw the rest out.

And he gets mad at me. He tells me I am "wasting money". And I tell him, "Well, if this is going to be how it is, and I am not ALLOWED to do what I want with my own food, then I guess we're not going out anymore."

And, that's where we left off last night.

My husband has always been like this. At work, he eats the leftover birthday cake from parties every day until it's gone because "it needs to get eaten." If my mom sends us food (food I don't ask for), he eats it because "if we don't eat it, we are wasting money". He will even go as far (this is gross) as to eat lunch meat, which smells bad and is way past the good date, because "we paid for it, so it can't be wasted."

My husband also hangs onto things he never uses for the same reason.

I remember watching "I can make you thin" with Paul McKenna, and he talked about this problem. And his reasoning made sense to me... no one else is going to benefit from this food. I can't save other people by keeping this food. And, the money was already spent on the food... it's not like I am going to get additional monetary charges for every day I don't eat it. So, I have no problem throwing out food if I am not interested in eating it anymore.

What do I do? just give up cheat days for good? It's not my fault most restaurants serve ungodly portions. But, I don't think I am going to be able to get through to my husband on this one. We've been arguing (not yelling, just disagreeing) about this same concept for almost our entire marriage, and I am tired of fighting about it.

*plays Taps to signal the death of the cheat day*

I'd go for a compromise which saves money and doesn't waste food. I'd split the food into portions as soon as I got it home and freeze it. I'd eat the rest on other "cheat days", or your husband could eat the leftovers when he was in the mood since he's so worried about the food going to waste. You might take three weeks to finish off all of the leftovers, but you'd still be able to go out once or twice a month rather than give up the entire experience.

That being said, I don't really believe in cheat days. I just eat small portions of what I want all of the time to stave off deprivation, but I realize that different approaches work for different people and don't begrudge anyone their choices.

Let's assume cheat days (or at least cheat meals) do work for you and you want to include them in your plan.

One approach would be to avoid ordering too much food. Most Chinese places serve family style, so you could split an entree and have a small appetizer or soup. DH should love that plan bc you will spend less on the food.

Another approach is to have a better plan for dealing with leftovers. I find that if I freeze something in an opaque container, it doesn't bother me any more. I often forget about it. Or, if you have a dog, you could give it to the dog as a treat (dog treats are pretty expensive!).

Ideally, you could try to talk things out with your husband so that he can understand your point of view. If he can't overcome the guilt of throwing out food (many folks have a lot of difficulty with that) then maybe he could agree to eat any leftovers for lunch? Freeze them until he gets around to eating them.

If that doesn't work out, maybe you could just flush it down the toilet when hubby isn't around. You may not feel good about doing something he doesn't approve of, but it's your body not his. I feel it's just ending up in the same place without depositing any harmful excess calories in your body along the way.

Good luck -- I hope you find something that works for you!

Are there restaurants you like that have a buffet option, so that you can take only as much food as you want to eat? Places where you can order a child's portion or smaller portion? Possible to order a la carte, instead of getting dishes for the table?

As for your husband's problem with throwing out food--he needs to see that once food is old, and especially spoiled (like the lunchmeat) it is NO LONGER food--it is garbage. Garbage gets thrown out, no matter how much it cost originally.

Jay

screaming- I am going to try the freezing idea. I don't know how it's going to work. I have a tendency to forget about food that I stick in the freezer, and by the time I pull it out months later, it's covered with freezer burn. But, it seems like the best compromise for the immediate situation at hand.

Different approaches do work for different people. I tried the "little portions of my favorite food" approach, and it just doesn't work for me. My biggest problem is portion control (with my favorite foods). So, if I limit myself to one day a week, I don't have that problem. I've lost over 40 lbs this way, so my feeling is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

yoyoma- splitting an entree wouldn't work very well for us. I have suggested it to him before. My husband says it embarrasses him for us to only get one dish and split it. He thinks the servers would think we're weird. So, that's a no-go. However, it was a good suggestion, and I wish we could do it that way.

He also refuses to eat my leftovers. I have asked him before, and he gets mad because now I am forcing him to eat unhealthy food longer than I am eating it, and he thinks it should be "fair." We had this discussion the last time my mom sent us home with cake, and I only had one piece. He ate the rest of it, and then got mad at me because I didn't eat the same amount.

Jay, I have to go to work- but I wanted to say the buffet idea is a great idea... it would be a good compromise I think.

Maybe you and your husband could share a meal so there are no leftovers. Alot of people do this. There is a place that we go to that has a more expensive meal that we like. We order that one meal (it comes with a broth soup for appetizer) and I just order an extra soup. They actually split the meal up for us before they bring it out. It works out perfect for us.


ETA: OOPS, I just saw that splitting is not an option, sorry.

I think these hang ups that your husband has have nothing to do with your diet, and letting them affect your progress would be a big mistake for you, one that could end up with you feeling resentful at his attempts to sabotage your weightloss. His issues with food and money have nothing to do with your body, you have to accept that in order to make this right I'm afraid.

Everybody has been taught at one time or another to not waste food, to clear their plate, and to eat the food they buy. But to what extent can you take this.... you really want to hold on to 3 days of eating fried rice? Is there a less expensive food than rice? It's not like you're throwing out fois gras, caviar, and $24/per pound prosciutto.. it's rice. It's your husband's perrogative to eat moldy lunch meat, more power to him. But that does not make him a saint or a martyr (it only makes him feel like one) and making you feel guilty over those actions does not help either of you, nor your wallets, nor your waistlines.

If my husband finds green deli meat in the fridge he'll eat it, but if he doesn't find it it's because I've thrown it out without him ever having to know about it. If he asks where it is I tell him I ate it. It's not the kind of lie that will destroy a marriage, but it's necessary if I want to keep his conscience clear.

Find a way to get rid of the food without telling him about it. Telling him or letting him see you do it only causes grief for both of you because honestly, he's too ingrained with this mentality to really change at this point. And if he can't compromise with you then what business do you have compromising with him?

Why give up your cheat day over someone else's insecurities about money? Believe me, even if you do this issue will arise in some other way at some other time. Your diet ain't the problem.

Wannabeskinny Very well said.

I completely second wannabe's post. That is exactly what I would suggest. If your husband has a problem with food and money, start disposing of unwanted food when he is not around. The best times to do so are when he is in the shower or out on an errand. This is actually the best way because he won't be "forced" into eating more food than you and you get to remove temptation. If it's a case of the garbage smelling and him finding out, put the food in a separate plastic bag, tie it securely and throw that into the garbage.

My husband absolutely hates dairy, but a few of the dishes I make require them for taste so I do add it anyway. I cook dinner before he comes home or when he's in the shower so I add it and he's none the wiser. In fact, if I don't add it, he says something's off. :lol:

It's not going to hurt your marriage if you hide certain things like this. It's helping the two of you out in the long run.

lol i kinda wish my husband cared a little more about the money he wastes on food he just throws out - but he doesn't.

I was thinking, is there a combination meal at this chinese please? My work do it (chinese) and its a serving for one person... Small soup or egg roll, serving of rice, serving of meal of your choice. Its cheaper and much smaller. Even having said that, they let me get steamed vegetables instead of rice sometimes. It sounds like you bought a 2 person portion (if its anything similar to where i work)

splitting an entree wouldn't work very well for us. I have suggested it to him before. My husband says it embarrasses him for us to only get one dish and split it. He thinks the servers would think we're weird. So, that's a no-go. However, it was a good suggestion, and I wish we could do it that way.

Your husband sounds like MY husband. Splitting a meal is embarrassing...sending food back is embarrassing...asking questions of the waiter/waitress is also embarrassing. His whole family is that way, though, which makes it where I can't take my OWN pizza or salad (from one of my other posts yesterday) to a party at his mom's house because they'd be embarrassed for some odd reason.

It's hard to deal with eating better, living with someone who's that way and still keeping the peace...

I think these hang ups that your husband has have nothing to do with your diet, and letting them affect your progress would be a big mistake for you, one that could end up with you feeling resentful at his attempts to sabotage your weightloss. His issues with food and money have nothing to do with your body, you have to accept that in order to make this right I'm afraid.

My thoughts exactly!

I see two long term problems with your husband's feelings.

1. Eventually, you're not going to be dieting anymore, you're going to be maintaining. As a maintainer, I don't bring home restaurant food. Restaurant food is much higher in calories, fat and sodium than the way I normally eat, it must be limited to a single night event. Is he going to force you to eat high cal leftovers - when restaurant portions are the culprit - for your entire life?

2. How is this "clean your plate" attitude going to affect any kids you have.

Good luck with this - I would almost suggest getting some counseling from your pastor or some neutral third party.

screaming- I am going to try the freezing idea. I don't know how it's going to work. I have a tendency to forget about food that I stick in the freezer, and by the time I pull it out months later, it's covered with freezer burn.

And the problem with that is? Sounds win-win to me. You get to throw it out in the end, but get to blame it on the freezer. :)

He also refuses to eat my leftovers. I have asked him before, and he gets mad because now I am forcing him to eat unhealthy food longer than I am eating it, and he thinks it should be "fair." We had this discussion the last time my mom sent us home with cake, and I only had one piece. He ate the rest of it, and then got mad at me because I didn't eat the same amount.

Oh goodness, I'm speechless. :dizzy:

My husband is finally recognizing a number of benefits of splitting meals. One of them for your husband might be SAVING money. Let's say eating two meals costs $40, but you could split a meal and have a small appetizer (soup or salad) for $30. Now you've saved money AND have fewer leftovers, so nothing will go to waste.

You are not a trash can. I can understand that he views throwing away food as a waste. But it is even MORE of a waste if you eat food that could be harmful to your body.

Chronic illness, diabetes, hypertension, cancers, paying more for health care, paying more for life insurance, having a reduced life expectancy or quality of life are all far bigger wastes than throwing out cake or Chinese food. Carrying half of a birthday cake around on your derriere or in your arteries is far more of a waste than sending it to the dump.

I agree that there are deeper issues here that need to be worked out. Are you fairly recently married? Being in charge of what you put in your own body is a nonegotiable human right, IMO. This is an issue that you all can work through and grow through, but the sooner the better.

Thank you so much guys, for all your thoughts, suggestions and advice.

My husband and I sat down and talked this all out yesterday. It was not a comfortable conversation, but one that we needed to have. He still doesn't understand why I want to lose more weight. His thoughts are:

"I don't want you to end up like those girls with those eating disorders. You're not happy with your body now, and you've lost 40 lbs. Every time you reach a new low weight, you are still not happy. What is it going to take, for me to be able to see your ribs? I don't want you to be one of those girls who is a 100 lbs and thinks she's fat."

I think he has valid concerns. Not that I think I am going to develop any sort of disorder or anything... but I have been *VERY* focused on weight loss recently- even more than before. But I explained to him that the reasoning behind that is because as I get lower in weight it gets HARDER AND HARDER to lose each additional pound. So the occasional stuff that I could overlook before... I can't now because I have to be more and more strict in order to keep losing. So, that's why I have been so focused on it.

I think he was also shocked to hear that, whenever I reach maintenance... I am STILL going to have to work out 6 days a week and I am STILL going to have to count my calories. In fact, I will be doing that for the rest of my life. I think that bothers him. I think he misses the wife he had over a year ago- the one that didn't care what she ate. I think he was sad to realize that in order for me to stay slim- I can never go back to being that girl.

As for the compromise... We've decided to cut our eating out in half. It will cut our money spent in half, it will cut my calories eaten in half, and since we'll go out less, I won't feel quite so bad about eating the leftovers. I can freeze the leftovers if I want, and have them on an "off week". He still wasn't cool with the idea of splitting meals... which is too bad, because I thought that was the best compromise.

Things settled down after we talked, and we're better now. However, we are still having a hard time understanding eachother's POV. I think it may be one of those "agree to disagree" situations. I am going to continue doing what I am doing... continue to try and achieve the body I have always wanted. Because it's my body, and not his. But, I am going to make a VERY conscious effort to not talk to him about weight loss anymore. It's hard, because I have no one else to share it with (except you guys), but maybe he won't be so stressed out/ concerned about it if I don't bring it up anymore.

Have any of you had this kind of response from your significant other?

My husband doesn't have a problem with not eating leftovers. In fact he's extremely wasteful with food. He eats like a bird and then throws what's left in the trash. I hate it when I make him food because he'll take a few bites, be full and toss the rest. So I don't have THAT problem with my husband...however:

Me and my hubby used to go out to eat ALL the time. It wouldn't matter if I just ate something at home, if we went into town, we had to stop somewhere. If we drove into Boise, we HAD to go to Ihop and pig out. I was obsessed with food and constantly wanted to eat. Now that I've started my journey, I don't even really want to go out to eat that much and he's been hating that.

He would get on my case constantly to start eating healthier and going to the gym and now that I was he was getting angry because I never wanted to go eat the crap we used to. He honestly didn't realize the type of commitment I would have to make. We've made some compromises, we still go out to eat every once in a while and I get something healthy. He still to this day tries to take me to get ice cream or to a chinese buffet. But I have to be strong and say no.

Glad you and your husband had that talk and are making progress!

I do have some of these problems. In my case, my Italian husband and his family equate food with love...and they are excellent cooks who take time to lovingly prepare feasts. The more they get you to eat, the more they love you and the more you love them. When combined with my emotional eating this is a very bad combination. It's taken me a long time to realize these things, but I have come to understand that I need to show my husband other ways he can demonstrate his love and caring for me that do not center around food.

Money has nothing nothing to do with weightloss. Trying to lose weight doesn't have to cost anything, you're just eating less and moving more. So whatever you're working out with your husband still sounds like it's a money issue that should be dealt with seperately from your weightloss efforts.

The truth is that when we lose weight, we're not just losing weight. We're changing our philosophy of life, we're becoming a different person, we adapt new interests like working out, and we're changing some of our daily patterns. All these things affect the people around us. Some of our friends and family can change with us, others don't want to change at all. It would be ideal if our loved ones could support us, but many times that's not possible so we have to do it for ourselves without letting the opinions of others control our efforts.

To the OP, I can't claim to know you or to judge you, so please try to take what I say with a grain of salt, just be aware of it as an impartial unbiased sidelines viewpoint on how I interpret what you wrote. It sounds like when you had your conversation the 2 of you were talking about 2 different things. You were saying that you don't want to feel forced to eat leftovers, and he was saying that he doesn't want you to lose anymore weight. In a way it sounds like he's sabotaging your efforts. Being forced to eat leftovers is.... controlling and abusive. I'm sorry, but I fail to see how putting something in your mouth that you don't want to eat is compromise. Your health and well-being shouldn't be a topic of compromise. I have a hard time understanding how that can give him enjoyment, or strengthen your marriage. I don't see anything of value coming from that compromise, are you sure that is something you're comfortable with?

wannabe,

I understand where you are coming from. I do agree that it sounded like we were talking about 2 different things. I realized that during our conversation. His argument started as a "financial issue", but very quickly became more about my weight loss. Maybe financial reasons are still one concern of his, but it does not seem to be his main concern.

As far as sabotage... I think if he is doing it, it's unintentional (unlike my mom, who fully admitted to sending me home with so much cake because she was trying to make me gain weight). He has told me he is proud of me, and yesterday when we were talking, he told me that me gaining back the weight is the last thing he wants, because he knows how hard I worked to get to this point. He kept telling me how in the past, he has told me he is proud of me. But, I mentioned to him that the "proud comments" come with the same or less frequency than the "don't lose more weight" comments, so I get confused.

One thing that I find interesting is that he KEEPS telling me that 135 is the perfect weight for me, in his opinion. I was 135 when he met me. I don't know if there's some psychological connection there, but often, when I have talked about losing weight, his response has been "Well, I've been saying since the beginning that 135 is perfect for your body." It's strange, and I am not sure why he is so focused on that number. He also keeps telling me that he would prefer me to "stop losing weight" but it's fine if I get smaller through gaining muscle and still burning fat. "You just need to tone" is what he tells me. So, the number on the scale seems to bother him more than the idea of me getting smaller.

I tried to explain to him that it's rather difficult to burn fat, build muscle, and try to not lose anymore scale weight. My weight will fluctuate up and down because my body is going to do what it is going to do.

My husband keeps saying that he isn't "forcing me" to eat leftovers, and that if I don't want them, I don't have to eat them. But I told him that if he's going to hold a grudge against me for doing it, I do feel forced.

He told me yesterday he wanted to eat healthier too. So, I told him we could try to cut out most of the eating out, and I could just work on letting go of my cheat day. Then he turned around and told me that eating bad things in moderation is fine, and he doesn't want to give it up. So, I am left with having no idea of what he wants.

Personally, I plan on taking the leftovers to work with me as "lunch" and throwing them out at work. He'll never know, and we won't have to have this awkward discussion anymore.

I hope you didn't take my post as passing judgement on you in a personal manner. But being a newlywed myself I can fully understand that it takes time to learn one another's language and intent. I wasn't under the impression that your husband is trying to hurt you intentionally, not at all. I'm sure he's trying to be helpful in truth. Like I said before, you changing means he has to change so he just needs time to adjust. Only you know what is right for you, your husband can't pick the magic goal number for you.

Woman to woman I'll tell you this: men are kind of dumb. I don't mean this in a bad way, I love my husband to death. But if I tried to involve him in the details of my weightloss he will undoubtedly try to "help" (eye rolling). That's the nature of a man and don't go telling them they're wrong :nono: This is the most important thing I learned from my mother: men don't want to be bothered with confusing details, what they don't know can't hurt them and in fact they don't want to really know anyway. The only thing a man wants is to see you happy and content and he will in turn be kind and understanding. If you keep telling him about your leftover situation and announcing every pound lost or gained then you're presenting him with a problem... do not doubt that he will try to solve that problem. Do what you have to do for yourself, and just keep the peace ;)

Littlemoonrabbit -- Sounds like you two are making progress!

When I first started my weight loss, my husband (also morbidly obese at the time) was VERY threatened by it. I didn't want to go out to eat at all at first and he was afraid that he would forever lose the pleasure we found in enjoying food together. He was also afraid that a thinner me meant that I would be less interested in him.

We have found over the years that we can and do still love food together, but how we eat has changed (eating out and eating in). And he came on board with the idea of losing weight and being healthier, too. That helped a lot. But it was definitely a source of stress initially.

Good luck, and just keep the lines of communication with your husband open. That helps, a lot!

wannabe- I didn't take your comments in any way negative. They just made me think, that's all. l was just kind of thinking out loud.

:)

Thanks again everyone for your input! It is very appreciated.

My husband has a smidgen of this problem too (though definitely not as bad as yours). I figured out a way around it... I throw it away when/where he won't notice. If I KNOW that I can't have it in the house, it doesn't come in the house. But, if it somehow "sneaks" it's way in I am the one to kick it out. So future suggestions... Take the leftovers to work for "lunch" the next day and toss them there. He'll never know you didn't eat them and he'll never ask about it either. -OR- Toss them in the can at home, then either put other things on top or take the trash out yourself.
IMHO, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Unless you're not doing well financially, then this is just him doing his thing. The best way to stop it from irritating you is to avoid it altogether and I would hate for you to give up your cheat day if it's been working well for you.
PS- You can always share a meal at the places you go to...

I go through this with my bf too. He thinks it's crazy when I order something and then eat two bites of it and am finished. I think about it, like you're not really paying for the food. The cost of the food is such a negligible part of what they're charging you for...they have to figure out their pricing by what they need to make to turn a profit and what the customers will pay for it. Hence we got supersizing--how to get people to spend more on food? Include more of it in the meal, since it's such low cost to the restaurant. So, when I order a piece of cake, i'm not paying for the flour and eggs and so forth...I'm paying for the plate, the chef, the cost of operating the restaurant and leasing the space, not really the food. So why would I finish the arbitrary size portion they gave me if I didn't want it? I would be paying to eat something I didn't want and that was making me feel guilty and unhappy, as opposed to paying to eat exactly how much I wanted to eat since it was going to be the same price anyway.