Looking Good, Feeling Great - Do you ever hate yourself for letting it get this bad?

I was just thinking today at how mad I am at myself that I let my weight get as bad as it did. My heaviest was 256 at 5' 2. Honestly it is not the weight that bugs me it is the damage done to my body because of it and all the yo yo dieting.

When I was 256 I was heavy but it was a harder fat or something. What I mean by that is in areas like my arms they were big but more solid whereas now that I have lost some weight even with working out my arms have "wings" that hang all over the place. I was on WW's and went from 256 to 190, stopped, went to 236 so I am a mess. When I was on WW's I did weight training and it did not help as much with all the parts that hanged as I thought it would.

I have stretch marks everywhere, spider veins, and a huge "apron" of a stomach from gaining weight. People talk about having a muffin top hanging over their jeans, heck I would love to have only that problem. I have a muffin top and a huge fat flap of skin around my midsection.

My stomach is the part that depresses me the most because it keeps me from wearing that correct size clothing and really messes with my self esteem because you can see this huge thing in front no matter what I do. I hate the feeling that no matter what my end weight is I will have it and the only option is to have a tummy tuck.

I have come to the point mentally where even though I accept that I am heavy I want to work out a couple days a week and try to eat healthy. It is not for weight loss, just to be a better me and live longer for my family. If I lose weight great. I just really hate that I let my body be ruined the way that I did because without getting a ton of surgery I am stuck looking at all the damage that years of neglect has caused.

I know how you feel.

While I don't exactly have the same issues, I can't stand looking at the stretch marks on my tummy and hips. I look at the cellulite in my thighs and get disgusted. And let's not even talk about my boobs...Suffice to say, I fully intend on getting them worked on one day.

Back when I was skinny, though, I still found things to beat myself up about. If it wasn't my body, it was my face, or my hair, or my nails, or my feet. I was never happy ever just being me.

Remember, you are always your own worst critic. Flaws are what make us human.

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant and foolishly thought it would just melt off like so many before me. However, my appetite came back tenfold after 20 pounds had melted off and I had to put the brakes on. I look at my body now and while I see stretch marks all over my breasts and stomach, I look great in clothes and know that I can slowly improve on what I am working with now. I wish I had only gained 25 pounds like a lot of my friends, but I think that 60 I gained gave me a big obstacle to overcome. Now I am the smallest I have been since middle school. I feel great. And while I have some issues, I am proud of myself. Losing weight wasn't as horrible or challenging as I feared it would be. I actually did a lot better at that part than I have at maintaining.

I know how you feel, I let myself get to 235 at 5'3" and it really bothered me how far I let myself go.

I haven't had too much of an issue with skin sagging but I've been losing very slowly.

I say keep at it- I'd rather have loose skin than be overweight and unhealthy.

Nope. I don't hate other people for making mistakes in their lives, and I'm not going to do that to myself, either.

Maybe that's because I've always been heavy, and have struggled most of my life to lose weight (I felt like most of the time, I was "trying" to lose weight). So what am I supposed to hate myself for? Because I did the best I could with what I had to work with?

I've finally (after decades of failing) found the program that is working for me, and it's really an anti-diet. It's nearly the opposite of what we're usually expected to do. Instead of working as hard as I could (at a level that wasn't really sustainable) in the short-term, and eventually falling off the wagon, I decided to only make changes that I could commit to doing for life. If I couldn't do it "for life," I wouldn't do it (no more 800 calorie per day diets).

I've done a lot of good things in and with my life, and I've made a lot of mistakes (mostly regarding my weight). The mistakes don't overshadow the wonderful stuff.

I want to echo Kaplod's post. No, I will not beat myself up about what is past. It is what it is. I can only look ahead.
And, while you WILL most likely have loose skin at goal, it does get better with time. Keep at it and honestly - it tucks just fine into clothing.
:hug:
I look at my loose skin as battle scars - it is an excellent reminder of where I have been and why I need to stay vigilant regarding my weight and fitness level.

In many areas of our lives, we can see the glass as half empty or half full - I DEFINITELY prefer the half full perspective :D

Hate is a really strong word. Maybe work on accepting it's just what happened. Work on it now and you'll be thanking yourself next year on what an awesome job you've done and how much you've overcome.

I don't hate myself, but I hate what I have done to myself. only in the past year have I noticed the tummy apron starting to form, the rash on my legs, and the winded feeling I get walking up 1 flight of stairs, all related to weight issues.

I am worried that the stomach problem will be there, but I would rather have that, than continue to be fat and unhealthy. I get what I get......

We all have to start somewhere, and yes we abused ourselves, but we pay for our sins. I hope that when I lose weight everything will be where it is supposed to be, but I will take what I can get.

Honestly? Yes, of course. It's hard for me to believe that anyone wouldn't. I'm way past the point where things are ever going to look "normal" and it's depressing. I see friends who are my age and even much older and they look great because they made the effort to exert some self control over food and stay in shape instead of taking a ten year break from life and gaining about one hundred pounds or so. So yes, I hate it and I often hate myself for letting it happen. It most certainly did not happen TO me. I have no health problems, no medication that made me gain, no back injury that sidelined me. I just stopped saying no to myself or making any effort and here I am.

It makes it doubly hard that I never ever felt good about myself, even when I was samller - becuse smallER was never small. I see girls that are 10, 12, 16, 25, and I am PAINFULLY envious that I'll never know what it feels like to be unselfconscious or confident about my body. I have NEVER worn anything other than a one piece for swimming, I've never hung out at the beach with friends and felt comfortable or had a dress that made me feel beautiful. Even in the days of being ten or twenty pounds overweight - which seems like NOTHING to me now - I never just felt normal. I'll never know what that's like.

I almost hate to post this and bring everyone down, but it's something I struggle with a LOT. I loathe being fat and it makes me sick and sad that I'm always going to have the "leftovers" of a fat body, no matter how hard I work. It just seems like...how could I figure this out so late? I feel like I just never had a chance. I can have all the cosmetic surgery in the world, which I can not afford so realy it's a moot point, and I'm still going to look like someone who was fat and needed some skin removed.

yes i do hate myself for letting my self gain the weight that i worked hard to lose. i can't believe i let myself gain 30lbs. i wasn't even at my goal weight but when i was 195 (my lowest weight) i was happy i could shop at regular clothes shops. and exercise was easy on my body. now that i gained weight it's hard to find my size and if a i do find a plus size shop the clothes are expensive. then for me doing high impact exercises it's hard on my ankles to do exercise.

with my re-weight gain i have devolped lower back problems.

and im only 21 but i feel like im 31.

If you feel healthy and happy who cares what you look like?

:grouphug: to all of our self-loathers out there.

I just want to shake each and every one of you, and then hug you again.

EVERYONE has issues and things about themselves they want to improve. There is not one person alive that is perfect or perfectly happy with everything about themselves.

We ALL make choices that aren't the best and some that actually hurt us (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

Life is a journey, and not every path we take will benefit us. Some will be rocky, some hilly, some fraught with big pits and traps.

Please, please, please - step back and look at all the wonderful things that make up YOU. YOU are wonderful and unique and special - just the way you are. If your extra weight wasn't causing you pain, something else would. So, accept what is. Practice affirming all the wonderful qualities you do have.

Be thankful that you CAN do something about your health and fitness level - that a solution is totally within your reach - and that your success is literally in your hands :)

So many folk are suffering from problems to which there are no easy solutions. Count your blessings and enjoy the journey!

Well said Counting

I should add that even I know my post sounds extreme when you read it. I make every effort NOT to think about this issue but some days, and today happens to be one, it's just on my mind. Most of the time I just try not to think about it because really, at least I will mostly be able to hide the damage under clothes so that's something.

For most of my life I was thin, very thin. And I was so uncomfortable with myself ALL the time. I struggled with depression and anxiety and had a constant narrative running in my head. I was self conscious all the time. People thought i was a free spirit, because I moved back and forth across the country, traveled across the world, quit school and had all kinds of different jobs, crazy relationships, etc. I couldn't be still for a moment with myself. I didn't feel beautiful though I look at pictures of myself now and I feel SO SAD I sometimes cry, because even though I look lithe and beautiful and adventurous in the Paris light, I remember that I never felt this way. I just kept wandering around, feeling self conscious and guilty and, yes, hating myself for not knowing how to turn off that evil voice, thinking that everyone else dealt with life so much better than I did, that everyone was about to find out what a fraud I was.

Weight wasn't my struggle back then (though I never felt confident with my body), but my depression and anxiety manifested itself in many other unhealthy ways. The worst is probably that cycle of self hatred. I have spent years and years trying to unlearn that way of thinking, which is difficult when I look over the ways I failed in life, and the way I am still paying for the consequences of my depressions. I feel so guilty and angry and sad about it some days. I am 39, single, no kids (always wanted them,) no career, no money, no car, no health insurance, no savings, just scraping by.

I have amazing friends (who are mostly married, with great careers and beautiful children and homes and so on.) When I needed help, they would have gladly helped, but I felt too worthless to pick up the phone and ask for help with, say, my bills. Not paying them, mind you, but opening the damn bills. I would be too depressed to answer the phone or open mail and so I defaulted on student loans. I didn't finish my masters degree (due to depression) and now I'm so screwed on school loans i can't get out of the muck to go back. I lost friends because I wouldn't return calls- I am lucky I have some very stubborn friends who never gave up.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean this to be a private pity party! What I hope is coming across is that i so feel for you, and can relate to feeling regret for what I did or didn't do in my life, for the extra baggage (be it skin, or habits, or bills, or thought patterns) I feel I will be paying forever, no matter how much progress I make. With therapy and meds (years and years of both) I am FINALLY in a fairly healthy mindset, but the fear of another setback can be paralyzing. Yes, sometimes I hate myself for letting it get this bad. But what's done is done, and I can't forget it, but I can forgive myself.

Thank you for being so honest in your post. I hope you can give yourself the love and compassion that you truly deserve; I think you will surprise yourself with the changes you will make in your body- it's hard to see the possibilities now, i know. You will have a lot of "chicks" here cheering you on, that's for sure!:hug:

:grouphug: to all of our self-loathers out there.

I just want to shake each and every one of you, and then hug you again.

EVERYONE has issues and things about themselves they want to improve. There is not one person alive that is perfect or perfectly happy with everything about themselves.

We ALL make choices that aren't the best and some that actually hurt us (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

Life is a journey, and not every path we take will benefit us. Some will be rocky, some hilly, some fraught with big pits and traps.

Please, please, please - step back and look at all the wonderful things that make up YOU. YOU are wonderful and unique and special - just the way you are. If your extra weight wasn't causing you pain, something else would. So, accept what is. Practice affirming all the wonderful qualities you do have.

Be thankful that you CAN do something about your health and fitness level - that a solution is totally within your reach - and that your success is literally in your hands :)

So many folk are suffering from problems to which there are no easy solutions. Count your blessings and enjoy the journey!


I couldn't have said it better myself :)

Don't dwell on the past...it's over and done with but you can do something about your present & future. YOU are your biggest obstacle and it doesn't have to be like that. As soon as I let all of my self hate go a whole new world opened up for me.

Thanks everyone for all of the honest replies. For the most part I am okay with the weight but how bad my stomach looks bugs me to the point that I will not even look in the mirror from the chest down when I do not have clothes on because I hate looking at it. It hangs pretty far and I get yeast infections constantly under there because of the skin touching. I have already talked to my husband about getting a tummy tuck once I lose weight and we are done having kids because the more weight I lose the lower it hangs and it just gets in the way.

It'll get better with the more weight you lose...I'm not saying you won't have lose skin (I do but it's just a slight annoyance but Spanx fixes it!) but I know my belly flap is now a small pooch instead of the apron flap thingy. I am fascinated on how much it shrank :lol:

For now though try putting baby powder or corn starch in the areas you get yeast infections...yeast thrive on moist areas.

I really think that we're often taught self-loathing. It's the "correct" response to obesity and diet failure in our culture (and other life situations also, such as divorce, job loss, bankruptcy...).

I went through periods of self-loathing well into my mid 20's, but I don't think I really hated myself (but I knew I was supposed to, so I went through the motions, even to myself, but deep-down, I don't think I ever completey bought into the idea that I was a horrible person for being fat - rather I was a good person who happened to be fat).

But the thing is, I'm intelligent, hard-working (not so much anymore, due to disability), compassionate, generous, and have an awesome sense of humor, even about myself. My current disability is partially the result of my failure to control one aspect of my life, my weight. However, also contributing was my drive to prove to the world that while I might be fat, I wasn't stupid or lazy. That drive led me to finish high school a semester early, college a year early, and to go on to graduate school (all in psychology - ultimately, I think I was trying to figure myself out - because "everyone knows" fat people are "crazy"). After I graduated (while working full time) I rarely worked less than 40 hours a week, and many times 70 hours or more. I did shiftwork most of my career, and in social service, shift work can be very unpredictable. Double shifts and erratic shift schedules are common). Basically, I was burning the candle at both ends, and it eventually caught up with me (the autoimmune disease that is attacking primarily my respiratory system and skin may also have been exacerbated by the sleep disruption also, as in animal studies sleep-deprived animals eventually die of immunity issues - either the immune system goes into overdrive, attacking itself in autoimmune disease, or the immune system is weakened and the animal succumbs to infection).


In my late 20's, I found the "fat acceptance" movement, and it saved my sanity. I don't believe in the "fat doesn't cause health problems," position that's common in the group, nor the ulterior agenda of hooking up fat people (mostly women) with fat fetishists. However, the message of "being fat doesn't make you a horrible person," really allowed me to embrace and enjoy life. One of the strongest messages of the movement is tht fat doesn't have to prevent you from living a whole and active lifestyle. I'd been raised to believe that a fat woman "looked ridiculous," exercising or being in public. I had always wanted to to ride horses, but every time a horseback riding opportunity presented itself (in girl scouts, for example) my mother would talk me out of going - usually on the grounds that I would look ridiculous, or would injure the horse (I was only about 200 lbs at the time, so the horse supporting my weight, wasn't really at risk. For a long time, I hated my mother for her tactics on the subject, but eventually I realized that she had been resorting to extreme tactics because she was terrified that I would get hurt - though I wished she had been honest and said that, instead of convincing me that I would "hurt the poor horse," and worse that most forms of physical activity were inappropriate, at least in public, for obese people).

It was very liberating and amazing to feel that I had a right to bicycle, swim, dance, date and do anything I wanted, in the body I had - and that even if I chose to diet I didn't have to put my life on hold until I reached some magic number on the scale.

I think that in our society we believe that people can (and should) "hate themselves thin." The opposite has been my experience. I don't treat myself with respect, unless I feel worthy of that respect. Being healthy is about taking care of yourself, and if you hate somebody (even yourself) it's really hard to be enthusiastic and committed to taking good care of that person.

Of course I regret many of the mistakes I've made in my life, but none have been unforgiveable (though I'm a Christian and believe no sin is unforgiveable, still, in the scheme of things obesity doesn't top the immorality list). Many of the mistakes I made were because I didn't have accurate information. Many of the dieting traditions in our culture aren't very effective and can even be counterproductive. I grew up at a time when good weight lost was the fastest weight loss - acheived by starvation diets. Being "good" meant eating 800 calories and doing hours of exercise (if you had any strength left to do so). Anything less was being weak-willed.

If you think about it, there are many traditions that even though we've always known they're "wrong," still find ourselves in the habit because it's such a cultural norm. It's "how things are done." Starting a diet on a Monday, first of the month, or first of the year - it's how "it's done." As if, starting a diet on a Thursday would release havoc on the universe in some way. Binging after a food slip ("I've blown it, so I might as well keep eating out of control until I can start fresh - tomorrow, Monday Morning, the forst of the month, after the holidays...).

We blame ourselves for these behaviors (because we're taught to do that to), but we learned them because they're societal norms.

I'm not "blaming" society, just acknowledging that there are a lot of factors that contribute to obesity, and not every single one is our fault. Being overweight doesn't mean that we necessarily have a moral defect, or defect in character that is responsible for our obesity. Other-wise amazing people can be overweight, but the all-or-nothing, black and white way that we view obesity, I believe actually contributes more to the problem than to the solution. So many people believe that losing weight requires an iron-will, that only the most extreme methods of weight loss are even considered, and any slip is evidence of (often moral) weakness.

I think learning to view obesity as a health issue, not a moral one, is really vital to success for many people. I think self-loathing does more to contribute to unhealthy behaviors than to healthy ones. If a thin person were to go to the doctor and discover they have diabetes, the rational response isn't to hate themselves for having diabetes. Hate is not a prerequisite for change.

Even in at-fault situations, such as a person getting behind the wheel drunk and ending up in a wheel-chair (at least if they haven't injured anyone else) - hating the behavior makes sense, but only to a point. At some point, a person has to forgive themselves in order to move on.

I really do think that we only take care of the people we love, or at least like an awful lot, so it makes no sense to pile self-loathing on ourselves.

Thanks everyone for all of the honest replies. For the most part I am okay with the weight but how bad my stomach looks bugs me to the point that I will not even look in the mirror from the chest down when I do not have clothes on because I hate looking at it. It hangs pretty far and I get yeast infections constantly under there because of the skin touching. I have already talked to my husband about getting a tummy tuck once I lose weight and we are done having kids because the more weight I lose the lower it hangs and it just gets in the way.

Super :hug::hug::hug: I'm with you with the tummy issue lol. Mine hangs and has gotten better, yes, but yet there it is lol. I mean all I can do right now is keep on trucking, keep on going, keep on with my journey and when the time is right I'll deal with those things.

We all feel these things and we ALL go through periods or moments where those feelings are very strong and to be frank I don't buy that people do not. These feelings come to the surface in many ways and it is a way of dealing with core issues.

When I started my journey I used to spend a lot of time fixating on my body and past choices and that would make me angry, sad, upset, depressed. Now, I have moments, but they are far and few between. I have made a lot of progress and I have a lot more to make.

There are things that happened in my life that were beyond my control and those things shaped me into who I am. Some of those things were very negative and damaging. The person who was 340+ pounds versus me today, same person with a hell of a lot of growth.

Yeah I deal with these feelings and will continue to deal with them. I think...when I look at my body I see not only the present day, but the past, and though today I focus less on the past I still see it. These feelings are there, but they don't seem to consume me or I don't let that happen. I talk about it and work through it as much as I can.

Now, the future I will get some sort of surgery or surgeries and have already made peace with that. That's gonna happen lol, but not today. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

I think the feelings are natural, and common but it boils down to what you do with those feelings, how you interpret them, and how long you indulge in them.

Am I ever sad or angry with myself that I didn't take better control of my weight long before this?

Yes, of course.

But, have I ever truly hated myself? I don't think so; the hatred was always superficial, in the same way as the thoughts and feelings of "hatred" for my mother when I was a teenager. The "hatred" was very thin veneer - the love and respect for her (and myself) was under the surface.

I guess I just never fullly bought into to cultural message that being fat meant I was a bad person. I felt that the world was telling me that I was lazy, crazy, or stupid - but I was pretty sure (at least most of the time) that I wasn't any of those things. Feeling the need to prove it to the world was another story.

We talk to ourselves every day, and I think it's the messages we use when we get those feelings is what matters most. Do you berate and beat on yourself, or do you give yourself encouragement and a (metaphorical) hug and move foreward? Can you forgive yourself and move on?

If you can forgive yourself and move on, I don't see that as true hatred. Anger, disappointment, frustration, regret - yeah, all of those things and probably more, but hatred? No, I don't think so.

It'll get better with the more weight you lose...I'm not saying you won't have lose skin (I do but it's just a slight annoyance but Spanx fixes it!) but I know my belly flap is now a small pooch instead of the apron flap thingy. I am fascinated on how much it shrank :lol:


Well THAT is good to hear!

For now though try putting baby powder or corn starch in the areas you get yeast infections...yeast thrive on moist areas

I have a friend who swears by this Monistat gel powder stuff. It's a tube in a blue box near the tampons and things in the drug store. She says it totally took care of the chafing/rubbing/yeast issues.

Nope. I don't hate other people for making mistakes in their lives, and I'm not going to do that to myself, either.

Maybe that's because I've always been heavy, and have struggled most of my life to lose weight (I felt like most of the time, I was "trying" to lose weight). So what am I supposed to hate myself for? Because I did the best I could with what I had to work with?

I've finally (after decades of failing) found the program that is working for me, and it's really an anti-diet. It's nearly the opposite of what we're usually expected to do. Instead of working as hard as I could (at a level that wasn't really sustainable) in the short-term, and eventually falling off the wagon, I decided to only make changes that I could commit to doing for life. If I couldn't do it "for life," I wouldn't do it (no more 800 calorie per day diets).

I've done a lot of good things in and with my life, and I've made a lot of mistakes (mostly regarding my weight). The mistakes don't overshadow the wonderful stuff.


I couldn't agree more :)

I really think that we're often taught self-loathing. It's the "correct" response ...

This is so true, and something I can't quite wrap my mind around yet. It's so pervasive you sometimes can't talk about it without puzzling people. It's something I see so much on the forums and it just kills me. I have a hard time responding to it.

My highest weight was 262 1/2 and now I am 221.4 LBS. I'm upset that I let myself get so heavy. I wasn't overweight in high school. But we need to Forgive Ourselves and Love Ourselves to began the healing process. I still have along way to go too. :hug:

hey ladies

you should be proud of your accomplishments and learn to LOVE yourself. It's always hard for all of us but the more you love yourself the more you grow and the happier you will be. Think about it -- I love watching The Biggest Loser -- if the winning contestants on THe Biggest Loser ended up acting depressed/self-loathing once they won wouldn't that be a downer? There is no time in life to waste being immersed in self-hatred. There are people with much bigger problems in life. Be thankful for what you do have and go out there and be the best you can be. I know I sound hokey and all but I feel we all have our down days, our low points and all but I keep reminding myself I've come so far and I need to love myself. And by the way if you think about it ...your tummy problem could very well have happened to you in pregnancy regardless so don't think of it as a fault of you could have avoided because what happened, happened and was supposed to happen but now it's all about how you are going to keep moving on and being positive.

Yes. Every single day.

No, I don't hate myself. I did, for awhile. We tend to hate things we don't understand.

Yes, I occasionally look in the mirror and get really upset that at the young age of 21 my stomach is covered in stretch marks and my breasts could never under any circumstances be considered "perky." However, for every one minute I spend in front of the mirror in a day I spend 12 hours fully clothed and around people, and with a good bra and flattering clothes, I feel like Aphrodite. It more than makes up for it.

"You can't hate yourself thin." I never thought about it like that. Wow, does that explain a lot ... (wanders off to contemplate). I have noticed in my time here that the 3FC'ers with the most impressive successes, are definitely the ones who got the "head stuff" correct. What's the point in being thin and healthy if you will just be a miserable thin person? Healthy AND happy go together, and I am really coming to the conclusion that you have to make the happy happen first.

Not really...I mean, when I was at my largest I hated the way I looked and I hated the fact that I was so out of control. But I used it as a motivator to really take a hard serious look at my life and to decide to change. NOW. Just as those on this forum have done and recently posted about their successes (cfmama, DChound are just 2 examples of success after serious and radical self-reflection, immediate action, and dedication). At my heaviest, I decided that if I changed my mindset I would change my life. And this is a radical thing to do -- to decide that as of THAT MOMENT I would eat only what was allowed on my eating program (Weight Watchers, which isn't terrible restrictive as you all know :lol:). That I was indeed a normal-weighted person who had a bit extra padding that wasn't permanent and that I had the POWER to do something about it!!! And here I am today.

Will I ever regret the stretchmarks on my calves of all places? Probably, but it is what it is. I didn't kill anyone! I didn't go to jail! I just had extra padding. There is a consequence to that. But there is a consequence to regular suntanning, to bearing children, to the aging process in general...heck, I have scars from falling of my bike as a kid, and from the stained glass work that I do and from my gardening -- all of which is preventable but it is what it is because of the choices that I made. And it isn't like I parade around the streets nekked, waiting for strangers' assessments of my butt or my thighs!!! I may not be perfect, but meh...who is???

I also wonder about what we get out of self-loathing -- and is it really about weight? Or about not being 'perfect'. Lots of people suffer from self-loathing, and weight is an easy "target' for this. Perhaps it is a reflection of not being where we think we should be vs where we are, rather than carrying excess weight. There are lots of people who beat themselves up regularly for not having a better job, or for their unhappy family lives, or for whatever reason, but because they are normal-weighted it isn't weight-centric. And if you loathe yourself for your weight, and the weight is no longer the issue, what will you focus on instead? Losing weight won't make you any happier, and I've seen some who have lost LOTS of weight who STILL aren't any happier than they were when they were heavy...And the amount of ENERGY it takes to sustain such emotions! SO much better to expend that energy towards making behavioural changes and productive thought! I mean, isn't self-loathing and the energy that takes kind of distracting? But somehow EASIER to do than to actually change?

We all forget that life happens and we ALL bear the scars of it. Some of these scars were preventable, but we can't do much about that now. We just have to forgive ourselve, pick ourselves up, and carry on...

:hug:

Kira

Nope. I don't hate other people for making mistakes in their lives, and I'm not going to do that to myself, either.





I love your posts! I wanted to say this to you for a long time!
Stella

Oh lord, yes. I was never overweight, and two years ago I was at a great place, really enjoying clothes, etc.

Then, I dunno, I started eating and eating and eating. Almost daring myself to see how far it could go before I gained some serious weight. Unfortunately it has coincided with the onset of menopause. So it's at an all-time high, and not coming off easily.

I am very disgusted with myself. Boy, did I eat.

It's been a few years since I was at my highest weight, and at this point it all seems like a bad dream. I've learned a lot about myself in this whole process though, and hopefully the point I'm at right now will someday feel like just a bad dream as well.

I'm not angry with myself. Maybe a bit frustrated, but I feel like I have a lot of good things to look forward to. All we can really do is learn from our mistakes and move on. :)

I love your posts! I wanted to say this to you for a long time!
Stella

I love her posts too... I seriously hope somewhere along this journey I learn to become a smart and strong woman like her. :)

I love your posts! I wanted to say this to you for a long time!
Stella

I love her posts too... I seriously hope somewhere along this journey I learn to become a smart and strong woman like her. :)

Yikes, my head is going to swell and explode from the compliments (thanks for them).

I don't know if I'm strong or smart - in that I don't always follow my own advice. Since the pneumonia in April, I've been struggling with gaining and losing the same 5 lbs over and over. I know a good part of it is all the things going on in our lives, a BIL with a severe brain injury, a MIL with a double hip replacement, hubby's and my own health issues, a pain-in-the-butt landlord, apartment hunting, packing, an upcoming move.... in the past whenever my life got this complicated I completely went "off the wagon" and would gain huge amounts of weight. So, even "just maintaining" is really good progress for me - but it's hard to see standing still as progress.

Eh, but I'll get there eventually. It looks like most of the extreme weirdness is going to be resolved around the same time as our move (Oct. 1). The new apartment is gorgeous, and it's in a much nicer and easier neighborhood to walk and bicycle, and I can take the bus to my warm water pool sessions (I don't drive and hubby isn't as fond of the water as I am, so I won't feel like I'm inconveniencing him if I take the bus).

The one thing I still struggle with is feeling that I can only pay close attention to my food intake when I have nothing important going on in my life. I still have that irrational feeling that I can diet OR deal with everything else. I am proving to myself that I can do it all - but just not all that well (need more practice). Some things DO have to give, and drawing the line is still difficult, even when I "know better."

Stress will definately keep the weight on or even worse, gain! :mad: It has to do with your cortisol levels, which is related to stress!!!:dizzy:

Things seem to be looking up for you though. Stick with it, you've come so far!!!!:hug:

I don't hate myself for gaining the weight but I hate that 1) I did not get there from eating whatever I wanted and 2)I was so apathetic about it for so long that I let my focus on the lupus flareups get the best of me.
I just don't understand how I put up with being so uncomfortable in my own body for so long. I guess sometimes we get so focused on the small details that we miss the big picture.
Everytime I think of my burning thighs while doing the squats or my burning lungs while walking or running and want to stop I tell myself that this is the price I gotta pay for not paying enough attention to myself and my overall health.
I figure at the end of the day a little discomfort now is not a heavy price to pay for improved health and well being. I would like to be a healthy, feisty old broad when my old broad days arrive.

yes. i do hate myself sometimes. i am 28, and the girls i see around me still have nice figures. i mostly get depressed about my boobs. someone my age should NOT have boobs that look like mine. i extra hated myself after i lost 30 lb a few years ago and then put it back on. i think we all have those "shoulda woulda coulda" moments, but the fact is that its too late. so you'll reach your goal weight and your body will look different. it will looks SO much better than it did at your high weight.

you just cant let it get to you because it does no good. sure, if you'd never gained the weight, your body would look different. but, ya did, and it cant be completely undone. you can lose the weight but you'll still have the stretch marks, extra skin, etc. all you can do is try now to be the best and healthiest you can be. your stomach will go eventually, i lose weight EVERYWHERE but my stomach and arms at first.

I hate myself everyday for what I have done to myself and my body. I am trying to change how I see myself and how I feel about myself but much like losing weight, it can be a slow and arduous process.

Everytime I think of my burning thighs while doing the squats or my burning lungs while walking or running and want to stop I tell myself that this is the price I gotta pay for not paying enough attention to myself and my overall health.
YES! That's what I feel, too.
I am annoyed that I was so oblivious to the changes my body was going through. And sad that I am so out of touch with my body that I let it get that out of shape.
I get discouraged sometimes that I wasn't on top of this MUCH earlier. <sigh> But - the past is the past, so I keep trucking along... and trying to be nice to myself...

Lots of honesty and lots of emotions, here.

I once suffered from self-loathing that was focussed on my body. A counselor once gave me a simple but powerful excercise to help "interrupt" the destructive loop of hateful self-talk.

It is this.

Get in the tub. Make it nice and bubbly and fragrant...put in some baby oil to make it soft...whatever speaks "luxury bath" to you.

Take a cloth--or your hand--and start at your toes and "thank" them for holding you up. Rub the washcloth over your ankles and thank your ankles. Then your calves. Think about how strong they are, how flexible they have to be to get you up and down the stairs every day.

And so on. Take your time. Just say nice things to your body parts....weird but amazing! Very healing. Do this whenever you can--and if you can't get into a bath when a negative thought hits you, just grab that body part--in your mind if not in reality and "thank" it for it's service to you. An apron belly was once skin that sheltered and protected you. I can hope my own will shrink over time without hating it.

Hope this helps.

I have put my body through sooo.... much damage yo-yo dieting its like one month I lose twenty pounds the next I gain thirty, its so hard keeping my self-esteem up when i don't have a constant weight or idea of what i look like.