Do you ever hate yourself for letting it get this bad?
I was just thinking today at how mad I am at myself that I let my weight get as bad as it did. My heaviest was 256 at 5' 2. Honestly it is not the weight that bugs me it is the damage done to my body because of it and all the yo yo dieting.
When I was 256 I was heavy but it was a harder fat or something. What I mean by that is in areas like my arms they were big but more solid whereas now that I have lost some weight even with working out my arms have "wings" that hang all over the place. I was on WW's and went from 256 to 190, stopped, went to 236 so I am a mess. When I was on WW's I did weight training and it did not help as much with all the parts that hanged as I thought it would.
I have stretch marks everywhere, spider veins, and a huge "apron" of a stomach from gaining weight. People talk about having a muffin top hanging over their jeans, heck I would love to have only that problem. I have a muffin top and a huge fat flap of skin around my midsection.
My stomach is the part that depresses me the most because it keeps me from wearing that correct size clothing and really messes with my self esteem because you can see this huge thing in front no matter what I do. I hate the feeling that no matter what my end weight is I will have it and the only option is to have a tummy tuck.
I have come to the point mentally where even though I accept that I am heavy I want to work out a couple days a week and try to eat healthy. It is not for weight loss, just to be a better me and live longer for my family. If I lose weight great. I just really hate that I let my body be ruined the way that I did because without getting a ton of surgery I am stuck looking at all the damage that years of neglect has caused.
While I don't exactly have the same issues, I can't stand looking at the stretch marks on my tummy and hips. I look at the cellulite in my thighs and get disgusted. And let's not even talk about my boobs...Suffice to say, I fully intend on getting them worked on one day.
Back when I was skinny, though, I still found things to beat myself up about. If it wasn't my body, it was my face, or my hair, or my nails, or my feet. I was never happy ever just being me.
Remember, you are always your own worst critic. Flaws are what make us human.
I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant and foolishly thought it would just melt off like so many before me. However, my appetite came back tenfold after 20 pounds had melted off and I had to put the brakes on. I look at my body now and while I see stretch marks all over my breasts and stomach, I look great in clothes and know that I can slowly improve on what I am working with now. I wish I had only gained 25 pounds like a lot of my friends, but I think that 60 I gained gave me a big obstacle to overcome. Now I am the smallest I have been since middle school. I feel great. And while I have some issues, I am proud of myself. Losing weight wasn't as horrible or challenging as I feared it would be. I actually did a lot better at that part than I have at maintaining.
Nope. I don't hate other people for making mistakes in their lives, and I'm not going to do that to myself, either.
Maybe that's because I've always been heavy, and have struggled most of my life to lose weight (I felt like most of the time, I was "trying" to lose weight). So what am I supposed to hate myself for? Because I did the best I could with what I had to work with?
I've finally (after decades of failing) found the program that is working for me, and it's really an anti-diet. It's nearly the opposite of what we're usually expected to do. Instead of working as hard as I could (at a level that wasn't really sustainable) in the short-term, and eventually falling off the wagon, I decided to only make changes that I could commit to doing for life. If I couldn't do it "for life," I wouldn't do it (no more 800 calorie per day diets).
I've done a lot of good things in and with my life, and I've made a lot of mistakes (mostly regarding my weight). The mistakes don't overshadow the wonderful stuff.
I want to echo Kaplod's post. No, I will not beat myself up about what is past. It is what it is. I can only look ahead.
And, while you WILL most likely have loose skin at goal, it does get better with time. Keep at it and honestly - it tucks just fine into clothing.
I look at my loose skin as battle scars - it is an excellent reminder of where I have been and why I need to stay vigilant regarding my weight and fitness level.
In many areas of our lives, we can see the glass as half empty or half full - I DEFINITELY prefer the half full perspective
Last edited by CountingDown; 08-10-2009 at 09:26 PM.
Hate is a really strong word. Maybe work on accepting it's just what happened. Work on it now and you'll be thanking yourself next year on what an awesome job you've done and how much you've overcome.
I don't hate myself, but I hate what I have done to myself. only in the past year have I noticed the tummy apron starting to form, the rash on my legs, and the winded feeling I get walking up 1 flight of stairs, all related to weight issues.
I am worried that the stomach problem will be there, but I would rather have that, than continue to be fat and unhealthy. I get what I get......
We all have to start somewhere, and yes we abused ourselves, but we pay for our sins. I hope that when I lose weight everything will be where it is supposed to be, but I will take what I can get.
Honestly? Yes, of course. It's hard for me to believe that anyone wouldn't. I'm way past the point where things are ever going to look "normal" and it's depressing. I see friends who are my age and even much older and they look great because they made the effort to exert some self control over food and stay in shape instead of taking a ten year break from life and gaining about one hundred pounds or so. So yes, I hate it and I often hate myself for letting it happen. It most certainly did not happen TO me. I have no health problems, no medication that made me gain, no back injury that sidelined me. I just stopped saying no to myself or making any effort and here I am.
It makes it doubly hard that I never ever felt good about myself, even when I was samller - becuse smallER was never small. I see girls that are 10, 12, 16, 25, and I am PAINFULLY envious that I'll never know what it feels like to be unselfconscious or confident about my body. I have NEVER worn anything other than a one piece for swimming, I've never hung out at the beach with friends and felt comfortable or had a dress that made me feel beautiful. Even in the days of being ten or twenty pounds overweight - which seems like NOTHING to me now - I never just felt normal. I'll never know what that's like.
I almost hate to post this and bring everyone down, but it's something I struggle with a LOT. I loathe being fat and it makes me sick and sad that I'm always going to have the "leftovers" of a fat body, no matter how hard I work. It just seems like...how could I figure this out so late? I feel like I just never had a chance. I can have all the cosmetic surgery in the world, which I can not afford so realy it's a moot point, and I'm still going to look like someone who was fat and needed some skin removed.
yes i do hate myself for letting my self gain the weight that i worked hard to lose. i can't believe i let myself gain 30lbs. i wasn't even at my goal weight but when i was 195 (my lowest weight) i was happy i could shop at regular clothes shops. and exercise was easy on my body. now that i gained weight it's hard to find my size and if a i do find a plus size shop the clothes are expensive. then for me doing high impact exercises it's hard on my ankles to do exercise.
with my re-weight gain i have devolped lower back problems.
I just want to shake each and every one of you, and then hug you again.
EVERYONE has issues and things about themselves they want to improve. There is not one person alive that is perfect or perfectly happy with everything about themselves.
We ALL make choices that aren't the best and some that actually hurt us (physically, emotionally, spiritually).
Life is a journey, and not every path we take will benefit us. Some will be rocky, some hilly, some fraught with big pits and traps.
Please, please, please - step back and look at all the wonderful things that make up YOU. YOU are wonderful and unique and special - just the way you are. If your extra weight wasn't causing you pain, something else would. So, accept what is. Practice affirming all the wonderful qualities you do have.
Be thankful that you CAN do something about your health and fitness level - that a solution is totally within your reach - and that your success is literally in your hands
So many folk are suffering from problems to which there are no easy solutions. Count your blessings and enjoy the journey!
I should add that even I know my post sounds extreme when you read it. I make every effort NOT to think about this issue but some days, and today happens to be one, it's just on my mind. Most of the time I just try not to think about it because really, at least I will mostly be able to hide the damage under clothes so that's something.
For most of my life I was thin, very thin. And I was so uncomfortable with myself ALL the time. I struggled with depression and anxiety and had a constant narrative running in my head. I was self conscious all the time. People thought i was a free spirit, because I moved back and forth across the country, traveled across the world, quit school and had all kinds of different jobs, crazy relationships, etc. I couldn't be still for a moment with myself. I didn't feel beautiful though I look at pictures of myself now and I feel SO SAD I sometimes cry, because even though I look lithe and beautiful and adventurous in the Paris light, I remember that I never felt this way. I just kept wandering around, feeling self conscious and guilty and, yes, hating myself for not knowing how to turn off that evil voice, thinking that everyone else dealt with life so much better than I did, that everyone was about to find out what a fraud I was.
Weight wasn't my struggle back then (though I never felt confident with my body), but my depression and anxiety manifested itself in many other unhealthy ways. The worst is probably that cycle of self hatred. I have spent years and years trying to unlearn that way of thinking, which is difficult when I look over the ways I failed in life, and the way I am still paying for the consequences of my depressions. I feel so guilty and angry and sad about it some days. I am 39, single, no kids (always wanted them,) no career, no money, no car, no health insurance, no savings, just scraping by.
I have amazing friends (who are mostly married, with great careers and beautiful children and homes and so on.) When I needed help, they would have gladly helped, but I felt too worthless to pick up the phone and ask for help with, say, my bills. Not paying them, mind you, but opening the damn bills. I would be too depressed to answer the phone or open mail and so I defaulted on student loans. I didn't finish my masters degree (due to depression) and now I'm so screwed on school loans i can't get out of the muck to go back. I lost friends because I wouldn't return calls- I am lucky I have some very stubborn friends who never gave up.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean this to be a private pity party! What I hope is coming across is that i so feel for you, and can relate to feeling regret for what I did or didn't do in my life, for the extra baggage (be it skin, or habits, or bills, or thought patterns) I feel I will be paying forever, no matter how much progress I make. With therapy and meds (years and years of both) I am FINALLY in a fairly healthy mindset, but the fear of another setback can be paralyzing. Yes, sometimes I hate myself for letting it get this bad. But what's done is done, and I can't forget it, but I can forgive myself.
Thank you for being so honest in your post. I hope you can give yourself the love and compassion that you truly deserve; I think you will surprise yourself with the changes you will make in your body- it's hard to see the possibilities now, i know. You will have a lot of "chicks" here cheering you on, that's for sure!
Last edited by pucedaisy; 08-11-2009 at 12:18 AM.
Reason: forgot something
Do you ever hate yourself for letting it get this bad?
to all of our self-loathers out there.
