I love your posts! I wanted to say this to you for a long time!
Stella

Oh lord, yes. I was never overweight, and two years ago I was at a great place, really enjoying clothes, etc.

Then, I dunno, I started eating and eating and eating. Almost daring myself to see how far it could go before I gained some serious weight. Unfortunately it has coincided with the onset of menopause. So it's at an all-time high, and not coming off easily.

I am very disgusted with myself. Boy, did I eat.

It's been a few years since I was at my highest weight, and at this point it all seems like a bad dream. I've learned a lot about myself in this whole process though, and hopefully the point I'm at right now will someday feel like just a bad dream as well.

I'm not angry with myself. Maybe a bit frustrated, but I feel like I have a lot of good things to look forward to. All we can really do is learn from our mistakes and move on.

I love her posts too... I seriously hope somewhere along this journey I learn to become a smart and strong woman like her.

Yikes, my head is going to swell and explode from the compliments (thanks for them).

I don't know if I'm strong or smart - in that I don't always follow my own advice. Since the pneumonia in April, I've been struggling with gaining and losing the same 5 lbs over and over. I know a good part of it is all the things going on in our lives, a BIL with a severe brain injury, a MIL with a double hip replacement, hubby's and my own health issues, a pain-in-the-butt landlord, apartment hunting, packing, an upcoming move.... in the past whenever my life got this complicated I completely went "off the wagon" and would gain huge amounts of weight. So, even "just maintaining" is really good progress for me - but it's hard to see standing still as progress.

Eh, but I'll get there eventually. It looks like most of the extreme weirdness is going to be resolved around the same time as our move (Oct. 1). The new apartment is gorgeous, and it's in a much nicer and easier neighborhood to walk and bicycle, and I can take the bus to my warm water pool sessions (I don't drive and hubby isn't as fond of the water as I am, so I won't feel like I'm inconveniencing him if I take the bus).

The one thing I still struggle with is feeling that I can only pay close attention to my food intake when I have nothing important going on in my life. I still have that irrational feeling that I can diet OR deal with everything else. I am proving to myself that I can do it all - but just not all that well (need more practice). Some things DO have to give, and drawing the line is still difficult, even when I "know better."

Stress will definately keep the weight on or even worse, gain! It has to do with your cortisol levels, which is related to stress!!!

Things seem to be looking up for you though. Stick with it, you've come so far!!!!

I don't hate myself for gaining the weight but I hate that 1) I did not get there from eating whatever I wanted and 2)I was so apathetic about it for so long that I let my focus on the lupus flareups get the best of me.
I just don't understand how I put up with being so uncomfortable in my own body for so long. I guess sometimes we get so focused on the small details that we miss the big picture.
Everytime I think of my burning thighs while doing the squats or my burning lungs while walking or running and want to stop I tell myself that this is the price I gotta pay for not paying enough attention to myself and my overall health.
I figure at the end of the day a little discomfort now is not a heavy price to pay for improved health and well being. I would like to be a healthy, feisty old broad when my old broad days arrive.

yes. i do hate myself sometimes. i am 28, and the girls i see around me still have nice figures. i mostly get depressed about my boobs. someone my age should NOT have boobs that look like mine. i extra hated myself after i lost 30 lb a few years ago and then put it back on. i think we all have those "shoulda woulda coulda" moments, but the fact is that its too late. so you'll reach your goal weight and your body will look different. it will looks SO much better than it did at your high weight.

you just cant let it get to you because it does no good. sure, if you'd never gained the weight, your body would look different. but, ya did, and it cant be completely undone. you can lose the weight but you'll still have the stretch marks, extra skin, etc. all you can do is try now to be the best and healthiest you can be. your stomach will go eventually, i lose weight EVERYWHERE but my stomach and arms at first.

I hate myself everyday for what I have done to myself and my body. I am trying to change how I see myself and how I feel about myself but much like losing weight, it can be a slow and arduous process.

YES! That's what I feel, too.
I am annoyed that I was so oblivious to the changes my body was going through. And sad that I am so out of touch with my body that I let it get that out of shape.
I get discouraged sometimes that I wasn't on top of this MUCH earlier. <sigh> But - the past is the past, so I keep trucking along... and trying to be nice to myself...

Lots of honesty and lots of emotions, here.

I once suffered from self-loathing that was focussed on my body. A counselor once gave me a simple but powerful excercise to help "interrupt" the destructive loop of hateful self-talk.

It is this.

Get in the tub. Make it nice and bubbly and fragrant...put in some baby oil to make it soft...whatever speaks "luxury bath" to you.

Take a cloth--or your hand--and start at your toes and "thank" them for holding you up. Rub the washcloth over your ankles and thank your ankles. Then your calves. Think about how strong they are, how flexible they have to be to get you up and down the stairs every day.

And so on. Take your time. Just say nice things to your body parts....weird but amazing! Very healing. Do this whenever you can--and if you can't get into a bath when a negative thought hits you, just grab that body part--in your mind if not in reality and "thank" it for it's service to you. An apron belly was once skin that sheltered and protected you. I can hope my own will shrink over time without hating it.

Hope this helps.

I have put my body through sooo.... much damage yo-yo dieting its like one month I lose twenty pounds the next I gain thirty, its so hard keeping my self-esteem up when i don't have a constant weight or idea of what i look like.