Weight Loss Support - Best Ways to Combat Sabotage




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BackPorchPoet
04-19-2007, 01:28 PM
I've lost 15 pounds now, and people are starting to notice.

Yesterday, a client left me a candy bar, which I took to be polite. I gave it to my co-worker because it just was not worth 220 calories and 9 grams of fat. My co-worker asked why I didn't want it and I said because I am trying to lose weight. She just kind of shrugged and said, "Everyone deserves to splurge from time to time."

It really got me thinking. Splurging is why I'm as fat as I am. And why is it so hard for other people to be supportive? That's why I haven't told very many people that I'm working out and losing weight. Some of my closest friends are sabotagers. I don't think they do it on purpose, but I do think there is a sort of comfort in having a friend who is fatter than you. No matter how big you think you are, at least you're not as fat as so-and-so, do you know what I mean?

How do you combat sabotagers? Kill them with kindness?


nelie
04-19-2007, 01:32 PM
Well with the candy bar, I'd just say "I don't want it" rather than trying to explain yourself. If you get people who try to push food on you, tell them you aren't hungry or even that you have a food allergy.

If someone had told me everyone deserves a splurge, I would've said something like "Well true but I rather splurge on something I really want". Or something to the effect.

Honestly, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

midwife
04-19-2007, 01:35 PM
I think that the only person who can really sabotage my plan is myself. There will always be temptations, but the undoing of my plan only occurs if I put something in my mouth that does not support my goals.


phantastica
04-19-2007, 01:41 PM
Good point, Nelie ... no explanation is needed.

I've responded to the splurge comments by saying, "Yeah, we all do deserve a splurge, and as evidenced by my current weight, I banked a few of those splurges for future use and don't need any more right now".

Lindsay, I think your insights are correct - about the unconscious comfort of being "not the fattest one". It was a sad eye-opener for me to discover that my closest friends pulled out the heaviest ammo for sabotage, and I even became much less close with one friend because of it.

Nikaia
04-19-2007, 01:44 PM
You just have to practice the art of the VERY firm, yet still polite, "No". Repeat as necessary. If people press, like on the "everyone deserves a splurge" thing, just tell them "I'm sure I do deserve a splurge...but I don't want (this) one." If people are really persistent, simply ignore them after the first few "No"s. You'll get heckling from people, like friends when you go to lunch together or something, and that'll be hard to deal with probably. If you want to be polite, say something like "I don't nag you about your food choices; why are you nagging me about mine?". If you don't care about being polite, try "I know my weight-loss is making you insecure, but that just isn't my problem, now is it?" But then, I'm a b*tch, so you might not want to take my advice on that one. :devil:

ladybugnessa
04-19-2007, 01:47 PM
Well with the candy bar, I'd just say "I don't want it" rather than trying to explain yourself. If you get people who try to push food on you, tell them you aren't hungry or even that you have a food allergy.

If someone had told me everyone deserves a splurge, I would've said something like "Well true but I rather splurge on something I really want". Or something to the effect.

Honestly, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.


I'm with Nelie... "I don't want it" works but my favorite is "i can't i'm allergic I break out in fat".

no one is gonna sit on me and hold my mouth open and make me eat something I don't want.

and i don't care about offending....

AspiringButterfly
04-19-2007, 01:49 PM
I know what you mean about feeling like you have to explain yourself. I've even had the unfortunate experience of people using that as a segway to "school" me on how to diet and/or eat. It's more trouble than it's worth - I agree with a couple of the gals here. I would either tell the person that I appreciate the thought but that I just don't want it, or maybe "white lie" and say that I had a food allergy or intolerance.

I've had many friends over the years sabotage my diet efforts. I can remember years ago there was a group of us girls that would meet for coffee and share a desert. I remember arguing with one of my friends when she started making fun of me because I wouldn't just have "one bite" like "it won't hurt" and really getting defensive. It goes without saying that we're no longer friends. She was one of those who had asserted herself as the "thin" one in the group and I don't think she wanted any competition. I'm older and wiser now and don't give in to people like I used to. But, I have to say it's alot harder when it's your family. My husband sabotages me regularly, but I don't know if he even realizes he's doing it. I think somewhere in the back of his mind, even though he voices that he would like to see me thinner, he is worried if I actually achieve thinness again. I know he loves me and most of the time is very supportive, but again, I think it's just insecurity on his part. It helps me to understand his feelings and reassert that I'm his forever fat or thin.

junebug41
04-19-2007, 01:52 PM
I'm like midwife. I am my own sabatoger. My plan of action against that is not putting really high standards or time limits in place ("I have to look this good by this time"). It just freaks me out, makes me anxious, and sets me up to fail.

Even with those sabatogers, it still boils down to me. They may subconsciously want me to fail, but ultimately they are not the ones in charge of what I choose to put in my mouth. First, I had to learn to say "No thank you" and leave it at that. I then learned to be ok with that.

junebug41
04-19-2007, 01:55 PM
I've had many friends over the years sabotage my diet efforts. I can remember years ago there was a group of us girls that would meet for coffee and share a desert. I remember arguing with one of my friends when she started making fun of me because I wouldn't just have "one bite" like "it won't hurt" and really getting defensive. It goes without saying that we're no longer friends. She was one of those who had asserted herself as the "thin" one in the group and I don't think she wanted any competition.

Unreal. I should study psychology more and get to the bottom of why women do this to each other.

Nikaia
04-19-2007, 02:02 PM
I should study psychology more and get to the bottom of why women do this to each other.

Don't have to study psychology. Trust me, it's well-documented. Give me a day to do some hunting at the university library, and I can give you a list of sources to start from. The basic idea is, particularly in Western society, women are schooled to be competitive of each other. Further, it seems to be human nature that when we form group, everyone settles into an assigned "role" - like "fat chick". And when someone determines to change the defining trait that gave them their role (ie, someone decides to change roles), it upsets the whole balance, which shoves people out of their comfortable complacency and frightens them. The reaction instinctively is to try to re-assert the roles as they have always been, which is when the sabotage starts - you became the "fat chick" of the group because you were overweight. When you start losing weight, your role starts to change, because you are no longer capable of being the "fat chick". In order to re-assert everyone's roles, you need to stay (or re-become) the "fat chick", and to encourage that, people who consider themselves your friends start to sabotage you in the (probably subconscious) hopes that you'll get back to being the "fat chick", and thus stop threatening their hierarchy. The competitiveness women have been socialized into compounds it and that's when it gets really vicious.

JayEll
04-19-2007, 02:05 PM
junebug41, I don't know. I've seen lots of women get together in pairs or small groups and play this "Let's be naughty girls and eat all this bad food" game. And often I suspect they talk about each other behind their backs. So it's no fun if suddenly someone says "No, I'm not going to do that."

Also, it seems like some women play a "diet game" by which they complain how fat they are, then all go on diets, then all give each other permission to go off their diets. And around it goes. :?:

I don't believe in telling others about being on a weight loss plan unless they notice I've lost weight and are sincerely interested. I turn down food with a simple "No, thanks" and a smile. If someone gets pushy, I turn it around on them: "Why are you so interested in seeing me eat this?" That usually ends the conversation--and if not, it becomes a different conversation!

Jay

junebug41
04-19-2007, 02:09 PM
Don't have to study psychology. Trust me, it's well-documented. Give me a day to do some hunting at the university library, and I can give you a list of sources to start from. The basic idea is, particularly in Western society, women are schooled to be competitive of each other. Further, it seems to be human nature that when we form group, everyone settles into an assigned "role" - like "fat chick". And when someone determines to change the defining trait that gave them their role (ie, someone decides to change roles), it upsets the whole balance, which shoves people out of their comfortable complacency and frightens them. The reaction instinctively is to try to re-assert the roles as they have always been, which is when the sabotage starts - you became the "fat chick" of the group because you were overweight. When you start losing weight, your role starts to change, because you are no longer capable of being the "fat chick". In order to re-assert everyone's roles, you need to stay (or re-become) the "fat chick", and to encourage that, people who consider themselves your friends start to sabotage you in the (probably subconscious) hopes that you'll get back to being the "fat chick", and thus stop threatening their hierarchy. The competitiveness women have been socialized into compounds it and that's when it gets really vicious.

Works for me :lol: I'm certainly aware of competition, pecking orders, and roles within a group. I guess I just meant that I would like to do more research as well. So, if you come across some good reference materials, by all means let me know!

junebug41
04-19-2007, 02:13 PM
JayEll, I don't know if I just don't care or just have really supportive friends, but while my girlfriends and I go off plan together, we are supportive of eachother's efforts as well.

Now, my guy friends are a whole different story. I had a lot of guy friends who were just that: friends. However, once their girlfriends got one look at the "new" Jen, I was suddenly painted as some kind of Jezebel who was out to destroy them all. Now, no guy friends :shrug:

JamieY
04-19-2007, 02:14 PM
Oh yeah, as you lose weight you will encounter a lot of people (women) like this. It's sad to say, but there are a lot of insecure women out there who get jealous when another woman starts to lose weight and starts looking more attractive, especially if you're already pretty. I remember in high school I dropped about 60 lbs in 7 months (I was a sophmore going into my junior year) and 3 of those months were summer so no one really saw me. Anyway, when I went to my first day of classes everyone was really shocked and the girls that I thought were my friends were no longer. Anyway, don't let anyone discourage you, just say "I don't want it" and leave it at that. It's none of their business anyway.

nelie
04-19-2007, 02:18 PM
Maybe this is why I don't have any female friends :) I never really got along with other females so I've only had a few good female friends in my lifetime. Too much drama.

Bikini Dreader
04-19-2007, 02:20 PM
I have started a thread before about this exact topic! I do feel like I have some friends who would rather me lose some of my confidence. I think they just feel better by bringing others down with them and if they like to have a treat they want others to do the same so they dont feel as bad. What I've learned is that it really doesn't matter what they are trying to do. Maybe they just feel like everyone does deserve a treat, maybe they are trying to sabotage you. Regardless, you decide what goes you eat. I'm definitely a user of the allergy/intolerance excuse. Usually in situations where others are enjoying treats, I have to not touch anything otherwise I will go overboard.
I try to think of it this way: I'm doing this for myself. It's not punishment. I know I will be happier if I dont eat whatever they are encouraging me to have. If they eat one and try to get me to, then I really pat myself on the back because that is a situation that is really hard for me (my it's not fair complex kicks in)

I find I just have to keep reminding myself of my goal and what I need to do to get there. Everyone is on a different path. It is fair that you dont get to eat something that someone else does because they aren't trying to lose weight like you are.

I also find a firm no and then a second no does the trick with most people. It usually takes two!

Is that really me
04-19-2007, 02:36 PM
. . . " but my favorite is "i can't i'm allergic I break out in fat".

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

Jo

ladybugnessa
04-19-2007, 02:42 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

Jo

feel free!

MariaMaria
04-19-2007, 03:02 PM
Maybe this is why I don't have any female friends I never really got along with other females

And yet you choose to spend a lot of time on a mostly-women board.

Not a criticism, just a comment.

cbmare
04-19-2007, 03:05 PM
"Why are you so interested in seeing me eat this?" That usually ends the conversation--and if not, it becomes a different conversation! Jay


LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!


I'm going to use the "I break out in fat" one as well!

If someone was an alcoholic or drug addict, would they be pushing booze and drugs? I guess some people would. 1 drink won't hurt, etc.

AmberD
04-19-2007, 03:24 PM
I don't think of it as SABOTAGE when my friends try to get me to eat things. Eating and drinking together is just what we did. Potlucks, happy hours, etc. I don't think they are trying to keep me in the 'fat chick' role, these things are just what we have historically done to be social.

I'm trying to change our social events to be more active: hiking, canoeing, walks in the park (or atleast I am going to try when the weather gets warmer),
A couple of my friends have expressed interest in running a 5K with me!

I don't think of it as sabotage, I think of it as my friends needing some time to adjust to my new lifestyle.

HeatherAngel
04-19-2007, 03:36 PM
Nelie - that's too bad; When I read your posts I often think: "I'd like to be her friend!" You have such marvelous things to say, and I think you're gorgeous, inside and out. But I am guilty of my own share of DRAMA!!! ;)

Heather :D

AllyCat30
04-19-2007, 03:38 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

Jo

That is an awesome line! Can't wait to use it! :D ;)

AllyCat30
04-19-2007, 03:45 PM
I've lost 15 pounds now, and people are starting to notice.

Yesterday, a client left me a candy bar, which I took to be polite. I gave it to my co-worker because it just was not worth 220 calories and 9 grams of fat. My co-worker asked why I didn't want it and I said because I am trying to lose weight. She just kind of shrugged and said, "Everyone deserves to splurge from time to time."

It really got me thinking. Splurging is why I'm as fat as I am. And why is it so hard for other people to be supportive? That's why I haven't told very many people that I'm working out and losing weight. Some of my closest friends are sabotagers. I don't think they do it on purpose, but I do think there is a sort of comfort in having a friend who is fatter than you. No matter how big you think you are, at least you're not as fat as so-and-so, do you know what I mean?

How do you combat sabotagers? Kill them with kindness?


This really gets to me, too. In most cases it is not malicious but it feels that way sometimes. The worst person in my circle who does this religiously is my MIL. All Easter it was 'Try the Baklava, eat the baklava'. So frustrating. She takes it as a personal insult that I don't eat it but I have been trying so hard I can't give in. I have gotten to the point where I expect it. My family looks at me and says "But you have lost so much weight". Well, duh. Think about that for one second. You don't lose weight by eating Baklava. Sometimes I think that I intimidate people with my willpower. Like it makes them uneasy and they become increasingly angry with me the more I refuse? Bizarre.

Rock Chalk Chick
04-19-2007, 03:56 PM
I've learned the best answer to a challenge is "Thanks, but I'm not hungry." Or "That doesn't sound good right now." (if during a meal or while I'm eating something else.) I basically am trying to adopt a "thin" mentality - most "naturally" thin people just don't eat food just because it's there or because it's offered. If I'm hungry or I would like to eat the offered food, I'll eat it. Otherwise, I'll refuse.

It's a little tricky - my family are definitely food-pushers. My mom's been a lifelong "dieter" which has just ended with her being heavier than ever, and she often tries to encourage me to eat more or eat a dessert or something if she thinks I'm "on a diet." If I say "I don't want that because I'm losing weight," I tend to get the pressure to "splurge." On the other hand, if I just say I'm not hungry, she tends to look at me like I'm insane, but doesn't push the matter (partially because she holds my old mindset that "not hungry" means "stuffed to the gills").

Kery
04-19-2007, 03:56 PM
I just say "I'm not hungry, you can have it", and leave it at that. Trying to justify myself is usually too much trouble, and tends to start endless arguments, conversations and whatever with people trying to 'convince' you that it 'can't harm'. It's like sugar in my coffee. Everybody thinks I'm on a diet, and I always have to look at them weird and say: "Uhm, no, it's because I, you know, don't like the taste of sugar in my darned coffee?".

And it sometimes seems like so many people suddenly start feeling endangered when you drop a few pounds. I think more and more it has indeed something to do with that matter of roles in society. Some people don't like to see you get out of your assigned role, since it puts theirs back into perspective...

AspiringButterfly
04-19-2007, 04:49 PM
I LOVE all your recent posts on this subject, it got me thinking more on it. I've had friends on and off over the years and seems like the only people who "last" in my life are my immediate family members. They really know me and know what is important in my life. I found that in the workplace (I no longer work outside the home) competition between women was especially fierce. I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with our own view of our sexuality? When I was single it seemed like there was always a silent competition of who might get more attention from the opposite sex. And, whenever I had female friends I found that once I paid more attention to my own body image - like say I tried to mirror what one of my friends did to make their hair look nicer, or shopped where they did because I admired their taste in clothes that they would get annoyed. Also, and this was a "biggy" when I was first divorced I found that I was left with a small fraction of friends who would have anything to do with me. Finally, one of my friends said, "Well that's easy. You're a threat now. They don't want their husbands/boyfriends looking at you and their husbands/boyfriends don't want them getting any ideas about becoming single". I had never thought of it that way, but it was the only explanation that seemed to fit. I actually had one friend admit to me that her husband thought I was now a "bad influence"! As if becoming single were somehow contagious, LOL!

For me I guess, whether it be man or woman, we all (me included) have insecurities and I think that it's more obvious in women as we talk about stuff more than men. I think someone previous had mentioned about women talking about how fat they are. I absolutely HATE when women who are thinner than I am complain about how fat they are! I actually said to a coworker one time (who was gorgeous by the way) "How do you think that makes me feel hearing someone like you complain about how fat they are? I'm obviously three of you and you have the nerve to complain to me about being fat? You're fishing for compliments from the wrong person!" She was shocked at first, but then we both laughed about it. She apologized and admitted that her own self-image was pretty poor even though to the rest of us she looked amazing. I guess having to constantly be reminded by people that she was nice looking kept her motivated to stay in shape? I don't know, it's just a thought.

What I do know is that women need to work on being less competitive with each other. It's like a divide and conquer mentality that the fashion industry and a lot of men force on us! I LOVE the new Dove commercials and ads in magazines where they use "real" people as models. There's one in particular I saw with a naked 60-year old woman (they didn't show anything) and she was beautiful. I thought, "good for her, she's proud of her body and not afraid to show it".

Just my two cents but I am loving all the comments generated by this thread!

LisaMarie71
04-19-2007, 05:10 PM
There are some great posts in this thread. It's something we've probably all seen, dealt with, or heard about. I don't have any female friends who have tried to sabotage me, but I've had coworkers and acquaintances do it in the past. I don't consider them friends. I'm lucky in that my closest friend and I have always been supportive of each other's weight loss efforts regardless of how we're doing with it at the time individually. It's tough when one of us is on plan and the other isn't, but I can't imagine either of us trying to sabotage the other because we just care too much about each other to do that. Honestly, if someone cares about you, she won't do that. If she does, she's simply putting herself and her own insecurity first.

I think we should definitely remember that (obviously) not all women are like this. I don't like sweeping generalizations about any group of people, so I tend to bristle a little when I read or hear them. There's lots of drama with some women, sure, as there is with some men as well. Some INDIVIDUALS cause drama, and some don't. I avoid the ones who do.

AmberD
04-19-2007, 05:22 PM
There's lots of drama with some women, sure, as there is with some men as well. Some INDIVIDUALS cause drama, and some don't. I avoid the ones who do.

So true.

Some people crave drama, and seek out others who do too.

My roommates sister is FOREVER fighting/making up with/hating/loving one or all of her friends. I really can't keep up with who she is or is not speaking toat the moment.

I don't know how she does it. Seem's far too exhausting tome.

AspiringButterfly
04-19-2007, 05:25 PM
Lisamarie, you make an excellent point, in that some individuals cause drama and some don't. I know that as I get older my husband and I make a concerted effort to avoid drama at all costs. We also encourage our children to avoid it. My husband and I both grew up in dysfunctional families and I believe that a trademark of dysfunction is drama. And I know in my own experience I went with what I knew as I grew up so to speak. I definitely attract more stable people in my life now than when I was younger. But, I think it's important to acknowledge that these situations do occur to many people and I include myself in this. It's also helpful to me at least, to hear how other people have handled them and I am in no way qualified to judge anyone who has had to deal with sabotagers as I've endured this unhappy situation myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I acknowledge what some people hear are saying as I myself have experienced it in my own life. We can get through it, and I feel it's important to share how I personally got through it. Even if it helps only one person know that they're not "crazy" and weren't imagining it. We all know that there are good and bad people out there and it's up to us to navigate our way through any road block we may come up against. I'm thankful to all the women here sharing their personal experiences that are unique to them. It helps me feel that "not all women are alike" and that not all men are alike. It also reminds me that like me, you women are all here to support each other and that is priceless to me.

JayEll
04-19-2007, 05:28 PM
LisaMarie71, I agree--we can't really make generalized statement about "all women" or "all men" or "all" anyone. People are individuals!

Also, when people offer food, they often have only kind intentions. It is a way of showing love in some families, and of sharing. That's why I always try to take it lightly and smile when I'm turning something down, instead of becoming the Dieting Harpie from ****... "HOW DARE YOU OFFER ME THAT YOU MONSTER DON'T YOU KNOW I CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T..." Well you get the picture.
;)

Jay

LisaMarie71
04-19-2007, 06:01 PM
becoming the Dieting Harpie from ****... "HOW DARE YOU OFFER ME THAT YOU MONSTER DON'T YOU KNOW I CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T..." Well you get the picture.


:lol: That cracked me up. I'm VERY conscious of not being one of those annoying dieting people, because I know when I was off plan and gaining weight or staying obese, I hated hearing about it. Sure, some people may NEED to hear about it, but there's nothing more annoying than hearing about calorie counting when you're not doing it yourself!

Slashnl
04-19-2007, 06:56 PM
Wow, what a great thread. It reminded me of a friend of mine. We have worked together for a long time and we both have had Pepsi addictions. I'm not talking diet Pepsi, either. This is the regular Pepsi, from a fountain, with good ice! Used to love it!!
Well, about the time that I started with 3FC and started on this journey, she decided to give up Pepsi for lent. I told her I would support her with that and that I was giving it up, too. (I'm not Catholic, I was just giving it up to get it out of my system!)
Anyway, since Lent is over, she wanted to go back to drinking Pepsi. I told her that I was still going to stay away from it as best as I could. I think this kind of ticked her off because I wouldn't help supply the justification as to why we should have it! I told her that she could keep drinking it, but I was well into drinking water on a regular basis and had felt much better. She said, "Well, Pepsi is the only fun thing I have in my life and this is how I give myself a treat. I don't drink or smoke, so I need something." I told her that she should do whatever she wants, but I found it funny that she was so defensive. And, I wondered if I had been like that, too, explaining why I should be allowed to have a Pepsi! I guess I was no longer a "drinking" buddy!
Fortunately, I don't miss it and wouldn't want to drink it now.

Oh, and I HAVE to use the line that "it makes me break out in fat". I'm holding on to that one!!! Funny!!

BooBear2071
04-19-2007, 07:15 PM
Splurging is why I'm as fat as I am. And why is it so hard for other people to be supportive? That's why I haven't told very many people that I'm working out and losing weight.

I generally just find a way to take the food with a smile and then throw it out. Now I kind of look at it as a fun game -- counting up how many times they tried to derail me and or how many times I *got the upper hand* and threw it in the trash. *nice try*

In my workplace you can be all "No and I don't need to offer an explanation" and then my entire workplace will be all offended and peeved at me for weeks. They aren't my friends -- they are my co workers / greatest enemies. I prefer to treat them accordingly. The best revenge is smiling taking the food and throwing it out behind their backs. They think they have ruined your diet and you know they haven't. Everyone wins.

JayEll
04-19-2007, 08:09 PM
Um, gee... great workplace dynamics, boobear... not!... bleah... doesn't sound fun at all! :(

Jay

Nikaia
04-19-2007, 08:36 PM
Also, when people offer food, they often have only kind intentions. It is a way of showing love in some families, and of sharing.

I think that's part of my issue with visiting family. I'm the "starving student" - not that I'm actually starving, but I'm pretty perpetually broke, so when I go home to visit, it's "Let's go out to dinner! Let's get Starbucks and bagels for breakfast! Let's go out for drinks!" and I think it's their way of giving me the "luxury" foods of eating out that I can't afford for myself. Some things I take gratefully - like going to sushi, cause I really *can't* afford to do that on my own - but sometimes with simpler stuff like steakhouses, it worries me a little. Because those steaks are huge, and really? I can buy cheap steak and make it myself if I want it, and I rarely do. But how can I turn down my mom and dad and my aunt and uncle, or my grandparents? It would be, to them, the equivalent of saying "I don't need you anymore"...and I'd NEVER get to go to sushi again! ;) So I just try to plan for calorie-heavy weekends when I know I'm going to be going home. It works well enough.

redlight
04-19-2007, 09:57 PM
On the other hand, if I just say I'm not hungry, she tends to look at me like I'm insane, but doesn't push the matter (partially because she holds my old mindset that "not hungry" means "stuffed to the gills").

I used to have that mindset of not being hungry meant being stuffed. That's one of the major changes I've made.

Bikini Dreader
04-19-2007, 11:05 PM
This thread has been really insightful. I just wanted to play devil's advocate for a minute. I'm sure we have all been on the other side, I know I have. Offered someone something just to be polite or maybe because you want a partner in crime. I know I'm not perfect either.

Is it possible that there is no malice at all in offering a treat? Maybe it is our own perception of the motive that turns it into an evil act. I mean, I am not happy all the time to have to watch what I eat and choose wisely. I can only do so much "fooling myself" into thinking I actually looove not having candy all day long. Exercise I enjoy. Giving up cheesecake and chocolates, I do not. So maybe there is something to be said about my own mindset when I'm being offered a treat. If I think about it, I'm already frustrated that I have to say no. So having someone wave it in my face doesnt make it any easier. But that is the polite thing to do. The other peron may not know if you want it or not. Or maybe they know you want it and feel bad that you have to be so restrictive. I dont know.

I just thought maybe my life would be a bit easier if I thought of it this way rather than that the person is trying to throw you off your diet. I've always said you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to what others do. Why bother with all this healthiness, if you feel like other people are out to sabotage you.

JayEll
04-19-2007, 11:26 PM
Yeah, what you said, Bikini Dreader!

Jay

Sheena696
04-19-2007, 11:45 PM
Basically, I combat it by not advertising that I am on a diet. I don't want the way I eat to be a topic of conversation. I had a friend (well, she claimed to my friend anyway) who EVERY time I would start a diet she would come with a HUGE, and I mean HUGE, bag full of chocolate. Now, I am not a big chocolate eater, but Dove chocolates with caramel..that is some yummy stuff!! So anyway, she would always do things like that. That is when I decided that if people are going to do me that way..I'm just not going to share with them when I am trying to diet.

redlight
04-20-2007, 12:09 AM
Basically, I combat it by not advertising that I am on a diet. I don't want the way I eat to be a topic of conversation. I had a friend (well, she claimed to my friend anyway) who EVERY time I would start a diet she would come with a HUGE, and I mean HUGE, bag full of chocolate. Now, I am not a big chocolate eater, but Dove chocolates with caramel..that is some yummy stuff!! So anyway, she would always do things like that. That is when I decided that if people are going to do me that way..I'm just not going to share with them when I am trying to diet.

Your friend is evil!

I've stopped using the "d" word. I do sometimes tell people that I am "watching my weight".

noodleskadoodle
04-20-2007, 12:34 AM
I generally just find a way to take the food with a smile and then throw it out. Now I kind of look at it as a fun game -- counting up how many times they tried to derail me and or how many times I *got the upper hand* and threw it in the trash. *nice try*

In my workplace you can be all "No and I don't need to offer an explanation" and then my entire workplace will be all offended and peeved at me for weeks. They aren't my friends -- they are my co workers / greatest enemies. I prefer to treat them accordingly. The best revenge is smiling taking the food and throwing it out behind their backs. They think they have ruined your diet and you know they haven't. Everyone wins.

HAHA I thought this was funny. I do that too sometimes... not that I like being mean or anything (it's not a 'mean' thing to do anyway, they are BAD, trying to ruin your progress, it feels good to throw their *WEAPON* away), but I understand the coworkers/enemies deal.

MariaMaria
04-20-2007, 01:20 AM
sometimes with simpler stuff like steakhouses, it worries me a little. Because those steaks are huge, and really? I can buy cheap steak and make it myself if I want it, and I rarely do. But how can I turn down my mom and dad and my aunt and uncle, or my grandparents? It would be, to them, the equivalent of saying "I don't need you anymore"...and I'd NEVER get to go to sushi again!

Doggie bag. You don't need to eat all the food in one sitting.

Kery
04-20-2007, 02:12 AM
She said, "Well, Pepsi is the only fun thing I have in my life and this is how I give myself a treat. I don't drink or smoke, so I need something."
I had to stop, blink and read that one again. The term "fun" just doesn't click with "food/drinks" for me, at least not if it's not associated with "while being with friends and chatting and having fun with THEM". I still tend to crave junk foods when I'm really bored or stressed, and that's been a hefty problem in itself, but I've don't think I've ever considered a Pepsi (or another drink, or whatever) as "something fun in my life". Watching a movie is fun. Playing a game is fun. But picturing myself alone with a glass of Pepsi and thinking "this is fun!" doesn't work. (Perhaps also because I'm the kind of person who thinks that if she's to have a treat, then it had better be something else than 'empty calories'.)

Am I the only one to think this sounds a bit... extreme?

Anyway, regarding the student food thing Nikaia mentioned: my grandma tended to do the same for me, so in the end I've just told her that what would make me realllly happy was if she could get me some green boxes of a specific brand (that I really like, it's true they're pretty good) instead of bretzels, pains au chocolat and other things. Or any other nice food such as good cereals, yoghurt... This is still food, but it's good food, and I can save up during the week on top of it since I don't have to buy it myself. Everybody's happy. :p

sweetnsassyfied
04-20-2007, 07:32 AM
My MIL is a genuine, caring, loving woman who cooks everything from scratch. Old school all the way. And always, ALWAYS a Mom first. One of the very first ways a Mom shows her newborn love and care is thru nourishment... aka..Food. :)

She is also very supporitve. I will never forget a few years ago and my first go around with WW ... We went there for sunday lunch and that darling woman had put the point conversion on everything upon her table! :D I was so touched.

So I know her motives are pure when it comes around holiday time or it slips her mind that I am still watching what I eat ( You lost so much and look so good .. ;) ) and she offers me extra servings or just one more. I also know the time and trouble it takes to make all those fabulous things from scratch.

I can't find it in my heart to refuse her ( or my husband's Grandmother's come to think of it. :lol: ) What I can find though is a way to show my appreciation and love in return, while getting them to wrap it for me to take home. :smug: 9 out of 10 times its my husband, or children, or an elderly neighbor lady who enjoy's it later.

My favorite motto and my family knows it... Stuffing isnt bad, Stuffing yourself is! ;)

JayEll
04-20-2007, 08:57 AM
MariaMaria is right about doggie bag! I just can't eat one of those huge steaks these days--in fact, I can't even eat the 7 ounce smallest steak at some restaurants. I take a lot of steak home--it's good for days of meals. I even take chicken home. Fish... is a little hard... ;) but most restaurants don't seem to serve a huge amount of fish.

I've also learned NOT to take everything home--I just let it go.

Kery, caffeine + sugar = fun for some folks! ;) I guess it's like... a drug...

sweetnsassyfied--you have a really lovely way of handling it. And I love that your MIL went so far as to figure out the point conversions for you. Wow!

Jay

Cheryl14
04-20-2007, 09:00 AM
I have to say that as I have read through this thread I have found myself thinking about the MANY times in my life that I have run into sabotage...AND NOT RECOGNIZED IT!!:( I'll bet THAT'S why I gained over 100 pounds!

- didn't want to appear ungrateful, impolite
- wanted to BLEND IN with the group
- wanted to bond with friends and their habits
- didn't want to offend well-wishers

ETC. ETC. ETC.

Honestly, I think I was on some other planet until a few years ago when I finally got my head in gear and began to stand up for myself!!:yikes:

Combatting sabotage for me has first meant caring for myself enough to think of my own needs and wants and desires. This is very new territory for me, because I have spent a lifetime thinking of everyone else FIRST. I STILL stay up late and wake up early so that I have time FOR ME that is just for me. It is still very difficult for me to not try to constantly make everyone's life a great life as I deny myself what I want. I struggle with this DAILY.

After I realized that I was a worthwhile person and deserved to be happy, I began to get better at asking for what I needed from others. It is still very hard for me to rely on others and ask for help, but I am working on it. Part of my asking for help plan has been in explaining to my MIL why I can't have seconds of her delicious food. I have also explained to my husband that if I continue to be his late-night eating buddy, I will NOT lose the weight that I want to lose. With my friends I have to tell them that I will be at Happy Hour but I will be drinking water and passing up the 1/2 price appetizers. I have to act friendly, speak kindly but firmly, and project confidence in my choice to do things that will HELP my effort and not thwart it. It is EXHAUSTING to me!

Losing weight has shown me that I AM a worthwhile person. When I was 275 pounds I did not believe that I was.

Reddalice
04-21-2007, 08:52 AM
With a lot of heavy "big-is-beautiful-and-healthy" members in my family... it is hard... and enraging! At my 3 yr old cousins birthday dinner, I turned down extra lasagna. This was met by the hounds with things like, "Good god, really now! One extra cup won't kill you." "Loosen up a little bit." "One cup won't make you fat." "You deserve good food sometimes." and my own person favorite, "you would turn down food I made for you...?"

Unfortunately with things like this floating around my head constantly, I am always battle ready- but do not act on it. I don't need to defend myself, it really isn't anyone business. I keep in mind, smug yes, when I'm sliding into a swim suite for the 4th of July... you will be gawking with that extra cup of lasagna. All those food pushers? I figure they are doing because A: they don't want to be alienated for their food habits, misery loves company. or B: they don't want to see you deprived. Either way, I dig my heels in everyday with a visual of what I am becomming and what I am leaving behind and why that extra cup isn't worth it.

sweetnsassyfied
04-21-2007, 11:31 AM
WoW thats harsh harping Reddalice! :eek: It sounds as if you have some very outspoken fem fatale's in your family. But I am willing to bet you can give as good as you get! ;) I would have my responses at the ready for the next get together and some of the ones given here were great!

Like when they say:

"Loosen up a little bit."

Response:

"Loosen? Loosen!! You wouldnt believe how loose my pants are getting!! And all because I can say No to just one more!" ( then walk away with a huge smile on your face... dont give em time to reply.)

"One cup won't make you fat."

Response:

"Nope it wont. But one hundred-one cups will. Gotta draw the line somewhere. Here is good." (and draw a line with your finger along your waist or mouth and laugh. turning that slam into a funny.)

"You deserve good food sometimes."

Response:

"I deserve Great food ALL the time! Thats why I eat the way I do because I deserve to!"

Your all time fav along with my all time fav way to respond. :D

"you would turn down food I made for you...?"

"I didnt turn it down are you kidding me??!!?? I ate it, I LOVED it! It was the best thing on the whole table! ( Big whole-hearted hug here, complimented with a kiss on the cheek ;) ) Thank you for making it for me. But more importantly thank you for thinking of me. ( or if its a Mom or Grandma ) Thank you for loving me as only you can. I love you too."


This last one is the one that kicked me in the head. It read so harsh, so brutal. Perhaps its just this medium and it didnt sound the way I read it too. Boy I hope so.

"Good god, really now! One extra cup won't kill you."

(( I can see the roll of the eyes, hear the disdain in the voice when reading this sentence. And if I am correct in this... Here's where I would give as good as I got. ))

"Why would you care what I am eating or what I am not??!! If your so sure it wont kill me, YOU eat it and lets find out!"


Some people will never understand the subtle difference between indulging and over-indulging. An indulgence is something to be savored and enjoyed. An over-indulgence goes without saying. Or at least for me guilt and remorse.

Kery
04-21-2007, 09:07 PM
"You deserve good food sometimes."

Yeah, we'll be SO miserable and our lives won't be worth living anymore if we can't get our regular line of cookie-powder. :rolleyes:

JayEll
04-21-2007, 09:12 PM
Kery :lol:

Jay

funnygirl33
04-22-2007, 02:08 AM
In European culture I think our culture is all about eating. Nobody says lets go walking, everyone says lets go for a pizza, for a bite and so....its hard. Even when we go walking we end up at the restaurant of some kind.

Its much harder because people are use to eat and socialize. I can’t find lots of people just for walking......they have to have final goal – food.

I try to avoid that kind of things or at the beginning I say that I am not going to eat so we agree on that before we go. And if someone can’t deal with the fact that I will drink only water until day eat – I don’t go. That’s it.

I was really nervous about that before but now I choose more friendly people for a company and go less in restaurants and fast food joints. I try to think positive – most of them thon think about what are doing to me by saying – eat, eat. That is better because if I got negative thinking about people then I just want to eat.

When somebody says – you deserve – I say – see were that got me to ....and I just say – I don’t eat that. I don’t explain anything to anyone and I got aggressive if they nag me. I have the right to do whatever I want with my life. Usually that is enough. If not – I dont care if they will hate me. Too pleasing to other got me where I am.