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BackPorchPoet 04-19-2007 12:28 PM

Best Ways to Combat Sabotage
 
I've lost 15 pounds now, and people are starting to notice.

Yesterday, a client left me a candy bar, which I took to be polite. I gave it to my co-worker because it just was not worth 220 calories and 9 grams of fat. My co-worker asked why I didn't want it and I said because I am trying to lose weight. She just kind of shrugged and said, "Everyone deserves to splurge from time to time."

It really got me thinking. Splurging is why I'm as fat as I am. And why is it so hard for other people to be supportive? That's why I haven't told very many people that I'm working out and losing weight. Some of my closest friends are sabotagers. I don't think they do it on purpose, but I do think there is a sort of comfort in having a friend who is fatter than you. No matter how big you think you are, at least you're not as fat as so-and-so, do you know what I mean?

How do you combat sabotagers? Kill them with kindness?

nelie 04-19-2007 12:32 PM

Well with the candy bar, I'd just say "I don't want it" rather than trying to explain yourself. If you get people who try to push food on you, tell them you aren't hungry or even that you have a food allergy.

If someone had told me everyone deserves a splurge, I would've said something like "Well true but I rather splurge on something I really want". Or something to the effect.

Honestly, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

midwife 04-19-2007 12:35 PM

I think that the only person who can really sabotage my plan is myself. There will always be temptations, but the undoing of my plan only occurs if I put something in my mouth that does not support my goals.

phantastica 04-19-2007 12:41 PM

Good point, Nelie ... no explanation is needed.

I've responded to the splurge comments by saying, "Yeah, we all do deserve a splurge, and as evidenced by my current weight, I banked a few of those splurges for future use and don't need any more right now".

Lindsay, I think your insights are correct - about the unconscious comfort of being "not the fattest one". It was a sad eye-opener for me to discover that my closest friends pulled out the heaviest ammo for sabotage, and I even became much less close with one friend because of it.

Nikaia 04-19-2007 12:44 PM

You just have to practice the art of the VERY firm, yet still polite, "No". Repeat as necessary. If people press, like on the "everyone deserves a splurge" thing, just tell them "I'm sure I do deserve a splurge...but I don't want (this) one." If people are really persistent, simply ignore them after the first few "No"s. You'll get heckling from people, like friends when you go to lunch together or something, and that'll be hard to deal with probably. If you want to be polite, say something like "I don't nag you about your food choices; why are you nagging me about mine?". If you don't care about being polite, try "I know my weight-loss is making you insecure, but that just isn't my problem, now is it?" But then, I'm a b*tch, so you might not want to take my advice on that one. :devil:

ladybugnessa 04-19-2007 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nelie (Post 1659733)
Well with the candy bar, I'd just say "I don't want it" rather than trying to explain yourself. If you get people who try to push food on you, tell them you aren't hungry or even that you have a food allergy.

If someone had told me everyone deserves a splurge, I would've said something like "Well true but I rather splurge on something I really want". Or something to the effect.

Honestly, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.


I'm with Nelie... "I don't want it" works but my favorite is "i can't i'm allergic I break out in fat".

no one is gonna sit on me and hold my mouth open and make me eat something I don't want.

and i don't care about offending....

AspiringButterfly 04-19-2007 12:49 PM

I know what you mean about feeling like you have to explain yourself. I've even had the unfortunate experience of people using that as a segway to "school" me on how to diet and/or eat. It's more trouble than it's worth - I agree with a couple of the gals here. I would either tell the person that I appreciate the thought but that I just don't want it, or maybe "white lie" and say that I had a food allergy or intolerance.

I've had many friends over the years sabotage my diet efforts. I can remember years ago there was a group of us girls that would meet for coffee and share a desert. I remember arguing with one of my friends when she started making fun of me because I wouldn't just have "one bite" like "it won't hurt" and really getting defensive. It goes without saying that we're no longer friends. She was one of those who had asserted herself as the "thin" one in the group and I don't think she wanted any competition. I'm older and wiser now and don't give in to people like I used to. But, I have to say it's alot harder when it's your family. My husband sabotages me regularly, but I don't know if he even realizes he's doing it. I think somewhere in the back of his mind, even though he voices that he would like to see me thinner, he is worried if I actually achieve thinness again. I know he loves me and most of the time is very supportive, but again, I think it's just insecurity on his part. It helps me to understand his feelings and reassert that I'm his forever fat or thin.

junebug41 04-19-2007 12:52 PM

I'm like midwife. I am my own sabatoger. My plan of action against that is not putting really high standards or time limits in place ("I have to look this good by this time"). It just freaks me out, makes me anxious, and sets me up to fail.

Even with those sabatogers, it still boils down to me. They may subconsciously want me to fail, but ultimately they are not the ones in charge of what I choose to put in my mouth. First, I had to learn to say "No thank you" and leave it at that. I then learned to be ok with that.

junebug41 04-19-2007 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AspiringButterfly (Post 1659759)
I've had many friends over the years sabotage my diet efforts. I can remember years ago there was a group of us girls that would meet for coffee and share a desert. I remember arguing with one of my friends when she started making fun of me because I wouldn't just have "one bite" like "it won't hurt" and really getting defensive. It goes without saying that we're no longer friends. She was one of those who had asserted herself as the "thin" one in the group and I don't think she wanted any competition.

Unreal. I should study psychology more and get to the bottom of why women do this to each other.

Nikaia 04-19-2007 01:02 PM

Quote:

I should study psychology more and get to the bottom of why women do this to each other.
Don't have to study psychology. Trust me, it's well-documented. Give me a day to do some hunting at the university library, and I can give you a list of sources to start from. The basic idea is, particularly in Western society, women are schooled to be competitive of each other. Further, it seems to be human nature that when we form group, everyone settles into an assigned "role" - like "fat chick". And when someone determines to change the defining trait that gave them their role (ie, someone decides to change roles), it upsets the whole balance, which shoves people out of their comfortable complacency and frightens them. The reaction instinctively is to try to re-assert the roles as they have always been, which is when the sabotage starts - you became the "fat chick" of the group because you were overweight. When you start losing weight, your role starts to change, because you are no longer capable of being the "fat chick". In order to re-assert everyone's roles, you need to stay (or re-become) the "fat chick", and to encourage that, people who consider themselves your friends start to sabotage you in the (probably subconscious) hopes that you'll get back to being the "fat chick", and thus stop threatening their hierarchy. The competitiveness women have been socialized into compounds it and that's when it gets really vicious.

JayEll 04-19-2007 01:05 PM

junebug41, I don't know. I've seen lots of women get together in pairs or small groups and play this "Let's be naughty girls and eat all this bad food" game. And often I suspect they talk about each other behind their backs. So it's no fun if suddenly someone says "No, I'm not going to do that."

Also, it seems like some women play a "diet game" by which they complain how fat they are, then all go on diets, then all give each other permission to go off their diets. And around it goes. :?:

I don't believe in telling others about being on a weight loss plan unless they notice I've lost weight and are sincerely interested. I turn down food with a simple "No, thanks" and a smile. If someone gets pushy, I turn it around on them: "Why are you so interested in seeing me eat this?" That usually ends the conversation--and if not, it becomes a different conversation!

Jay

junebug41 04-19-2007 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikaia (Post 1659787)
Don't have to study psychology. Trust me, it's well-documented. Give me a day to do some hunting at the university library, and I can give you a list of sources to start from. The basic idea is, particularly in Western society, women are schooled to be competitive of each other. Further, it seems to be human nature that when we form group, everyone settles into an assigned "role" - like "fat chick". And when someone determines to change the defining trait that gave them their role (ie, someone decides to change roles), it upsets the whole balance, which shoves people out of their comfortable complacency and frightens them. The reaction instinctively is to try to re-assert the roles as they have always been, which is when the sabotage starts - you became the "fat chick" of the group because you were overweight. When you start losing weight, your role starts to change, because you are no longer capable of being the "fat chick". In order to re-assert everyone's roles, you need to stay (or re-become) the "fat chick", and to encourage that, people who consider themselves your friends start to sabotage you in the (probably subconscious) hopes that you'll get back to being the "fat chick", and thus stop threatening their hierarchy. The competitiveness women have been socialized into compounds it and that's when it gets really vicious.

Works for me :lol: I'm certainly aware of competition, pecking orders, and roles within a group. I guess I just meant that I would like to do more research as well. So, if you come across some good reference materials, by all means let me know!

junebug41 04-19-2007 01:13 PM

JayEll, I don't know if I just don't care or just have really supportive friends, but while my girlfriends and I go off plan together, we are supportive of eachother's efforts as well.

Now, my guy friends are a whole different story. I had a lot of guy friends who were just that: friends. However, once their girlfriends got one look at the "new" Jen, I was suddenly painted as some kind of Jezebel who was out to destroy them all. Now, no guy friends :shrug:

JamieY 04-19-2007 01:14 PM

Oh yeah, as you lose weight you will encounter a lot of people (women) like this. It's sad to say, but there are a lot of insecure women out there who get jealous when another woman starts to lose weight and starts looking more attractive, especially if you're already pretty. I remember in high school I dropped about 60 lbs in 7 months (I was a sophmore going into my junior year) and 3 of those months were summer so no one really saw me. Anyway, when I went to my first day of classes everyone was really shocked and the girls that I thought were my friends were no longer. Anyway, don't let anyone discourage you, just say "I don't want it" and leave it at that. It's none of their business anyway.

nelie 04-19-2007 01:18 PM

Maybe this is why I don't have any female friends :) I never really got along with other females so I've only had a few good female friends in my lifetime. Too much drama.


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