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Old 04-19-2007, 02:20 PM   #16
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I have started a thread before about this exact topic! I do feel like I have some friends who would rather me lose some of my confidence. I think they just feel better by bringing others down with them and if they like to have a treat they want others to do the same so they dont feel as bad. What I've learned is that it really doesn't matter what they are trying to do. Maybe they just feel like everyone does deserve a treat, maybe they are trying to sabotage you. Regardless, you decide what goes you eat. I'm definitely a user of the allergy/intolerance excuse. Usually in situations where others are enjoying treats, I have to not touch anything otherwise I will go overboard.
I try to think of it this way: I'm doing this for myself. It's not punishment. I know I will be happier if I dont eat whatever they are encouraging me to have. If they eat one and try to get me to, then I really pat myself on the back because that is a situation that is really hard for me (my it's not fair complex kicks in)

I find I just have to keep reminding myself of my goal and what I need to do to get there. Everyone is on a different path. It is fair that you dont get to eat something that someone else does because they aren't trying to lose weight like you are.

I also find a firm no and then a second no does the trick with most people. It usually takes two!
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Old 04-19-2007, 02:36 PM   #17
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. . . " but my favorite is "i can't i'm allergic I break out in fat".
That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

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Old 04-19-2007, 02:42 PM   #18
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That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

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Old 04-19-2007, 03:02 PM   #19
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Maybe this is why I don't have any female friends I never really got along with other females
And yet you choose to spend a lot of time on a mostly-women board.

Not a criticism, just a comment.
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:05 PM   #20
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"Why are you so interested in seeing me eat this?" That usually ends the conversation--and if not, it becomes a different conversation! Jay

LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!


I'm going to use the "I break out in fat" one as well!

If someone was an alcoholic or drug addict, would they be pushing booze and drugs? I guess some people would. 1 drink won't hurt, etc.
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:24 PM   #21
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I don't think of it as SABOTAGE when my friends try to get me to eat things. Eating and drinking together is just what we did. Potlucks, happy hours, etc. I don't think they are trying to keep me in the 'fat chick' role, these things are just what we have historically done to be social.

I'm trying to change our social events to be more active: hiking, canoeing, walks in the park (or atleast I am going to try when the weather gets warmer),
A couple of my friends have expressed interest in running a 5K with me!

I don't think of it as sabotage, I think of it as my friends needing some time to adjust to my new lifestyle.
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:36 PM   #22
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Nelie - that's too bad; When I read your posts I often think: "I'd like to be her friend!" You have such marvelous things to say, and I think you're gorgeous, inside and out. But I am guilty of my own share of DRAMA!!!

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Old 04-19-2007, 03:38 PM   #23
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That is a GREAT line!!! Can I use it too?

Jo
That is an awesome line! Can't wait to use it!
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:45 PM   #24
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I've lost 15 pounds now, and people are starting to notice.

Yesterday, a client left me a candy bar, which I took to be polite. I gave it to my co-worker because it just was not worth 220 calories and 9 grams of fat. My co-worker asked why I didn't want it and I said because I am trying to lose weight. She just kind of shrugged and said, "Everyone deserves to splurge from time to time."

It really got me thinking. Splurging is why I'm as fat as I am. And why is it so hard for other people to be supportive? That's why I haven't told very many people that I'm working out and losing weight. Some of my closest friends are sabotagers. I don't think they do it on purpose, but I do think there is a sort of comfort in having a friend who is fatter than you. No matter how big you think you are, at least you're not as fat as so-and-so, do you know what I mean?

How do you combat sabotagers? Kill them with kindness?

This really gets to me, too. In most cases it is not malicious but it feels that way sometimes. The worst person in my circle who does this religiously is my MIL. All Easter it was 'Try the Baklava, eat the baklava'. So frustrating. She takes it as a personal insult that I don't eat it but I have been trying so hard I can't give in. I have gotten to the point where I expect it. My family looks at me and says "But you have lost so much weight". Well, duh. Think about that for one second. You don't lose weight by eating Baklava. Sometimes I think that I intimidate people with my willpower. Like it makes them uneasy and they become increasingly angry with me the more I refuse? Bizarre.
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:56 PM   #25
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I've learned the best answer to a challenge is "Thanks, but I'm not hungry." Or "That doesn't sound good right now." (if during a meal or while I'm eating something else.) I basically am trying to adopt a "thin" mentality - most "naturally" thin people just don't eat food just because it's there or because it's offered. If I'm hungry or I would like to eat the offered food, I'll eat it. Otherwise, I'll refuse.

It's a little tricky - my family are definitely food-pushers. My mom's been a lifelong "dieter" which has just ended with her being heavier than ever, and she often tries to encourage me to eat more or eat a dessert or something if she thinks I'm "on a diet." If I say "I don't want that because I'm losing weight," I tend to get the pressure to "splurge." On the other hand, if I just say I'm not hungry, she tends to look at me like I'm insane, but doesn't push the matter (partially because she holds my old mindset that "not hungry" means "stuffed to the gills").
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Old 04-19-2007, 03:56 PM   #26
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I just say "I'm not hungry, you can have it", and leave it at that. Trying to justify myself is usually too much trouble, and tends to start endless arguments, conversations and whatever with people trying to 'convince' you that it 'can't harm'. It's like sugar in my coffee. Everybody thinks I'm on a diet, and I always have to look at them weird and say: "Uhm, no, it's because I, you know, don't like the taste of sugar in my darned coffee?".

And it sometimes seems like so many people suddenly start feeling endangered when you drop a few pounds. I think more and more it has indeed something to do with that matter of roles in society. Some people don't like to see you get out of your assigned role, since it puts theirs back into perspective...
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Old 04-19-2007, 04:49 PM   #27
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I LOVE all your recent posts on this subject, it got me thinking more on it. I've had friends on and off over the years and seems like the only people who "last" in my life are my immediate family members. They really know me and know what is important in my life. I found that in the workplace (I no longer work outside the home) competition between women was especially fierce. I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with our own view of our sexuality? When I was single it seemed like there was always a silent competition of who might get more attention from the opposite sex. And, whenever I had female friends I found that once I paid more attention to my own body image - like say I tried to mirror what one of my friends did to make their hair look nicer, or shopped where they did because I admired their taste in clothes that they would get annoyed. Also, and this was a "biggy" when I was first divorced I found that I was left with a small fraction of friends who would have anything to do with me. Finally, one of my friends said, "Well that's easy. You're a threat now. They don't want their husbands/boyfriends looking at you and their husbands/boyfriends don't want them getting any ideas about becoming single". I had never thought of it that way, but it was the only explanation that seemed to fit. I actually had one friend admit to me that her husband thought I was now a "bad influence"! As if becoming single were somehow contagious, LOL!

For me I guess, whether it be man or woman, we all (me included) have insecurities and I think that it's more obvious in women as we talk about stuff more than men. I think someone previous had mentioned about women talking about how fat they are. I absolutely HATE when women who are thinner than I am complain about how fat they are! I actually said to a coworker one time (who was gorgeous by the way) "How do you think that makes me feel hearing someone like you complain about how fat they are? I'm obviously three of you and you have the nerve to complain to me about being fat? You're fishing for compliments from the wrong person!" She was shocked at first, but then we both laughed about it. She apologized and admitted that her own self-image was pretty poor even though to the rest of us she looked amazing. I guess having to constantly be reminded by people that she was nice looking kept her motivated to stay in shape? I don't know, it's just a thought.

What I do know is that women need to work on being less competitive with each other. It's like a divide and conquer mentality that the fashion industry and a lot of men force on us! I LOVE the new Dove commercials and ads in magazines where they use "real" people as models. There's one in particular I saw with a naked 60-year old woman (they didn't show anything) and she was beautiful. I thought, "good for her, she's proud of her body and not afraid to show it".

Just my two cents but I am loving all the comments generated by this thread!
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Old 04-19-2007, 05:10 PM   #28
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There are some great posts in this thread. It's something we've probably all seen, dealt with, or heard about. I don't have any female friends who have tried to sabotage me, but I've had coworkers and acquaintances do it in the past. I don't consider them friends. I'm lucky in that my closest friend and I have always been supportive of each other's weight loss efforts regardless of how we're doing with it at the time individually. It's tough when one of us is on plan and the other isn't, but I can't imagine either of us trying to sabotage the other because we just care too much about each other to do that. Honestly, if someone cares about you, she won't do that. If she does, she's simply putting herself and her own insecurity first.

I think we should definitely remember that (obviously) not all women are like this. I don't like sweeping generalizations about any group of people, so I tend to bristle a little when I read or hear them. There's lots of drama with some women, sure, as there is with some men as well. Some INDIVIDUALS cause drama, and some don't. I avoid the ones who do.
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Old 04-19-2007, 05:22 PM   #29
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There's lots of drama with some women, sure, as there is with some men as well. Some INDIVIDUALS cause drama, and some don't. I avoid the ones who do.
So true.

Some people crave drama, and seek out others who do too.

My roommates sister is FOREVER fighting/making up with/hating/loving one or all of her friends. I really can't keep up with who she is or is not speaking toat the moment.

I don't know how she does it. Seem's far too exhausting tome.
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Old 04-19-2007, 05:25 PM   #30
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Lisamarie, you make an excellent point, in that some individuals cause drama and some don't. I know that as I get older my husband and I make a concerted effort to avoid drama at all costs. We also encourage our children to avoid it. My husband and I both grew up in dysfunctional families and I believe that a trademark of dysfunction is drama. And I know in my own experience I went with what I knew as I grew up so to speak. I definitely attract more stable people in my life now than when I was younger. But, I think it's important to acknowledge that these situations do occur to many people and I include myself in this. It's also helpful to me at least, to hear how other people have handled them and I am in no way qualified to judge anyone who has had to deal with sabotagers as I've endured this unhappy situation myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I acknowledge what some people hear are saying as I myself have experienced it in my own life. We can get through it, and I feel it's important to share how I personally got through it. Even if it helps only one person know that they're not "crazy" and weren't imagining it. We all know that there are good and bad people out there and it's up to us to navigate our way through any road block we may come up against. I'm thankful to all the women here sharing their personal experiences that are unique to them. It helps me feel that "not all women are alike" and that not all men are alike. It also reminds me that like me, you women are all here to support each other and that is priceless to me.
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