Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all sitting around having a
>few beers one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
>beautiful girl in the world. "
>
>Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
>world."
>
>Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
>
>They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
>claims verified.
>
>Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
>"It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
>
>Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
>"I am officially the smallest person in the world."
>
>Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said,
>"Who the **** is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
A couple from earth went to Mars to learn about their culture and the Martians welcomed them as they too wanted to see how the earthlings lived.
The couple from earth met a Martian couple and they decided to change partners to see what sex like on the others planet.
While the martian man and the earth woman were getting undressed, the martian noticed the woman staring at his "equipment". "Is something wrong?" the martian asks, and the woman replies that's its quite small. The martian replies, "No problem" and he starts slapping his forhead and with each slap his "equipment" gets longer and longer. But the earth woman still stared. "what's wrong now?" said the martian. The earth woman indicates the "equipment" is still kind of skinny. "no problem" and the martian starts tugging on his ears and with each tug, his "equipment" gets wider and wider.
The next day the earth woman meets with her husband who asks her "well, how did it go for you?" at which his wife replies "OH, it was wonderful!" "How was it for you?" at which the husband replies, "Not so good. All I got was a headache. That martian woman kept slapping my forhead and tugging my ears!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new procedure that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch.
Some of these I had heard before but they still made me laugh..
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
>
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
>
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
>
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
>
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
>
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
> LAST TESTIMONY:
>
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story
>
> We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Man said, "Goddess, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And the Goddess said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever, who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be at times, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And the Goddess created a new animal to be a companion for Man. And it was a good animal. And the Goddess was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Man, and he wagged his tail a lot.
And Man said, "Goddess, I have already named all the animals on your Earth. I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And the Goddess said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a partial reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And DOG lived with Man, was a companion to him, and loved him. And DOG was beside Man, all the day long. And Man was comforted. And the Goddess was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Man's spirit guide came to the Goddess and said, "Mother, Man has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock, and he believes he is worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Goddess said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever, who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And the Goddess created CAT to be a companion to Man.
And CAT would not obey Man. And CAT would love Man when CAT chose to love Man, and not when Man chose CAT to share affection.
And when Man gazed into CAT's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Man learned humility.
And the Goddess was pleased. And Man was greatly improved. And DOG was happy, and wagged his tail.
That ties right in with my theory on why men seem to like dogs better than cats. Any man who is secure enough to like cats gets a gold star in my book.
Let me apologize in advance to the Italians in our group
Helps to read like you are faking Italian...
"No speaka da English"
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them tries to ignore them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN ! !
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she eemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale
Scotch and Humour
