Okay so I am pretty sure a topic like this has came up, but I want some real honest answers and not ideal answers. So I am 25 y/o never had boyfriend and friends and random people tell me I am pretty so why is it that I am always single and no it is not because I am "too pretty and too intimidating to be approached" cause I am very friendly and social. I can honestly say that the guys who do approach me I don't find them attractive and I feel like they are saying well to themselves "well since I am not that very attractive then I should date some on with the same caliber." Is like Im cute but not enough to date cause of my weight. Could this be true? And it is not just shallow men that are saying this because there could be good guys as well that share the same idea, but chubby girls are just not their preference (very understandable). And lets face it the "attractive men" in different aspects who are chubby chasers are extremely rare. I know this post may be redundant so if your think so just roll your eyes and scroll down to the next thread. I just want to know to the ladies with a healthy BMI after years of struggle of weight is there a difference in men that approach whether it is social class, physical aspect, educated people, or all the above. I am just trying to get some insight. Every time I try to talk to approach a guy it always a failure. I just need some real raw answers. It bothers me. Truly. p.s I know the right guy will come along yadda yadda yadda, but it is just discouraging to be turning 26 at the end of this year and still no romance. I need to clear out the Cobb webs lol ugh! And yes this weight loss is all for me and not to get a man, because I would love to meet someone who finds me attractive now then be smoking hot when I am at a more healthy weight. I need your honest opinions. DO MOST CUTER, SMARTER, SEXIER, RICHER, NICER MEN, like a woman that is smaller in size or are the chubby girls not trying hard enough to approach?
I am pretty so why is it that I am always single and no it is not because I am "too pretty and too intimidating to be approached" cause I am very friendly and social. I can honestly say that the guys who do approach me I don't find them attractive and I feel like they are saying well to themselves "well since I am not that very attractive then I should date some on with the same caliber."
Do you find yourself attractive or not? In that paragraph, you say you are. But you don't find men who approach you attractive. Ok, that's valid.
But then you go on to say you think THEY think they are unattractive, and should be with unattractive people, which means...you? Is this why you turn them down? Because you think they think you are unattractive?
Why shoot yourself down like that? What if they think YOU are fine looking? Why put words into their mouths?
To me it sounds like you shrink your dating pool before you even get out there.
sorry wrote this without a day of sleep. I must be really mentally twisted. lol. You really got me thinking here... I stared at your response for like 10 minutes. Okay lets see. do i think I am attractive? I have my up days and my down days, but maybe my weight is counteracting my feelings at times. Boy I am trying so hard not to seem shallow, but the guys I am always interested in 9/10 they end up with women that does not look like me (more so in weight). So my weight does question my self esteem at times. I am working on my weight loss. I guess I don't want to physical change myself in order to "get the guy of my dreams" I have a couple of very handsome looking male friends, that are good guys, and I see the type of woman they date and its not me. It never came across to me that I was shortening my dating pool I am just scared that I will lower my standards.
Last edited by dymondndruff; 04-02-2010 at 08:33 AM.
Reason: accidently pressed enter..lol
So firstly, you aren't that big. From personal experience, I have been with guys that loved me around 175. Around that weight I was engaged to this guy that I had dated 3 years, when we broke up I dated a guy in the Navy, and now that the Navy guy is out of the picture, I have been dating a guy that is finally worth my attention. I've known him since high school, but he never saw me as a potential gf until a year ago. We live together now and are saving up for a ring and plan to get married before the end of this year. Unlike my ex-fiance, he is going to school to become a teacher and has a much better work ethic.
Concerning whether or not rich, smart guys like full figure women, I can answer that. I'm in my last year of medical school and graduate in May. Most of my classmates come from rich families (the government is pretty much making it impossible for poor people to go to medical school). I'm sorry to inform you that NONE of them are dating/married to girls greater than a size 6. When I was single, there were some guys I were interested in, particularly this one that is quite frankly barely obese, but NONE of them were interested in me. All of the girls in my class over a size 12 had to seek love elsewhere in the form of policemen, bookstore employees, etc. Not to say that we aren't happy with our partners, but I know that the barely obese guy in our class would have given me a chance if I were smaller instead of dating a skinny girl that got kicked out of medical school. Oh well. My bf loves me exactly as I am and is intelligent himself just with a late start in his schooling.
1) I don’t think anyone could ever actually say, “Guys of this income prefer this type of woman.” Or, “Guys of a certain level of intelligence prefer this type of woman.” (Well they could say it, but not with any accuracy.) Every guy, just like every woman, is different and will have different preferences and be attracted to different qualities and body types.
2) When I was 50 pounds heavier, I dated one of the most attractive guys I’ve ever dated. He literally looked like an Abercrombie model (sigh…) and when I first saw a picture of him, I almost died laughing thinking that there was no way on earth that he would ever be attracted to or even be able to stomach a girl like me. Surprise surprise, he was attracted to me and we had a really good time together and had great chemistry. It didn’t work out, but I learned something from that experience. You CANNOT take a look at a man and decide what type of women he likes. You’ll miss out on a lot of great guys like that.
3) I’ve heard a lot of the girls say on this site (and I’m starting to believe it myself), that men are attracted to confident women. In general, we are not our most confident when we are heavier. It could be that you are not being approached by men (or rather the type of man you would prefer to be approached by) because you are not exuding confidence. An insecure woman often appears standoffish and disinterested. This might not be the case for you, but it’s worth saying.
4) You can’t “rate” your own attractiveness based on the attractiveness of the men who approach you. It doesn’t make sense. Some men are just more forward or ballsy than others, regardless of what they look like.
5) Don’t sell yourself short! You’ve got to shake this mentality that if a guy who is unattractive to you approaches you; it must mean that he thinks you’re a safe bet or that you must be unattractive too. On the contrary, he might think you’re flat out gorgeous and not want to miss the chance to meet you.
Based on your second post, it seems to me what you're really asking is, are quality guys only attracted to smaller women? And if so, is it worth it to me to change myself physically just to attract one of those men? Am I compromising myself as a person by losing weight and ending up with a man who is only attracted to smaller women?
First let's realize something. Everybody has certain physical traits that they are attracted to. So I don't think we can hold men to a higher standard in terms of those who prefer women who are smaller. Some just do, just like the men we tend to be attracted to have certain physical features. If you think about the guys that you are attracted to, they probably share some common physical traits. So why would it be any different for men?
Secondly, to answer your question, no, I have not found that only smart, rich, cute, and nice men are attracted to smaller women. I weighed a variety of weights during college, from 150 to 170 and back down to 130. I dated all kinds of smart, cute, nice and potentially rich men, no matter my size. Though I didn't realize it at the time because I thought EXACTLY as you thought - that the men that I really wanted must only be attracted to smaller women - what was really happening is that most of them ended up with exactly who they were attracted to. I look at the people my ex boyfriends are married to and they are not super models, nor terribly stick thin, etc. They are just nice, average looking women. And most of my exes have gone on to be successful in life. Most of them are also very nice people (notice I say "most"... lol).
Hi! Not really contributing much to this conversation, but I figured I'd say what's on my mind.
I think I'm sort of in the same boat as you...I want to date attractive guys with great personalities, but usually only the homely nerds hit on me. Maybe because they think I won't shoot them down? I'm not too attracted to super hot guys because out of my own insecurities, I assume that they are not attracted to me and have d-----baggy personalities. A lot of them probably really are d-----bags because they think they are hot stuff.
My ideal guy would be charming enough for me, but not charming enough to be overly narcissistic and have women chasing him everywhere.
I think guys will go for women who they consider reasonably attractive and have great personalities. I think they look at attractiveness as a whole and don't specifically focus on size. And guys love it when women do what they can to stay attractive but not when they obsess/worry about it and it affects the personality aspect. (Not that I know a lot about men...I've only dated one guy. But according to Steve Harvey, that's how men think lol)
So the hot guys you may be fawning over may be a--holes anyways. The cute, fun, genuinely sweet guys may find you attractive, but are turned off by the insecurities.
. DO MOST CUTER, SMARTER, SEXIER, RICHER, NICER MEN, like a woman that is smaller in size or are the chubby girls not trying hard enough to approach?
My honest opinion? This super shallow, you said guys approach you, but they aren't cute enough for you? Give me a break. Come on it makes sense that a very attractive(i'm assuming you also mean in shape) man would want a woman that was also in shape.
And rich? How many people our age have tons of money? Having money takes time and hard work! If you mean well educated, so that they are in a field that will yield them a lot money, well what do you do? Because men like women on the same level as them, so striving for a high paying job yourself might help you out.
Also keep in mind that a dateable guy is meant to be your companion. Someone who shares your same interests and is fun to be around, there are so many other qualifications a man should have IMO, along with sexy and rich.
I'm the opposite in that I love, love, love dating musicians. Who don't tend to be the most financially stable group of guys in the world. Additionally, they pretty much categorically (at least the ones I hang out with) want tiny little hipster girls. And not just skinny, but short. I might lose a hundred pounds, but I'll never be 5'2"!
However, I've managed to meet a few who liked me even at nearly my highest weight. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your personalities click and you put yourself out there, there are definitely guys in any "category" who will be interested. Do I think it's easier when you're thinner? Yup. But it's not impossible.
As far money and rich guys go Mikayla is right. Many of my good friends have money. Some have earned it themselves and some of it is from their parents. Almost all of the guys, are dating girls who already have money or are on their way to making money. They met at places, like the theatre, in a tennis league, work related activities, or through friends in similar fields. No not all of their girlfriends are super models. They are decent looking girls. However, the guys want someone who is on the same level of them, education wise and finically. If you want to marry a guy, with money, at least in my world, you better be able to bring home the bacon too!
Everyone has to start somewhere. Friends can turn into the best lovers. I'd suggest you give the next time a guy comes up to you, give him a chance, some of your time. Maybe not if you find him physically repulsive, but if he seems nice enough and friendly, you may find that he is smart and sexy. Attraction, for me, comes 10x more from personality than just body and looks.
As far as money goes - someone that has money now won't always have it later, so don't go looking for the guys with money. Look for the ones that love what they do. Whether it's fixing up houses or building websites! Because there's no bigger turnoff (to me) than a get-rich-quick boy that's down on his luck.
My boyfriend and I are very different... he liked me at my highest weight and he likes me now... I have always gotten guys even at almost 300 pounds but I have a big personality and I'm friendly and my friends have always said that I'm the first one who gets a guy to talk to them...
Also my boyfriend and I are financially from different backgrounds... his parents are well off and they are not American...it makes things interesting because I find us so totally different. I've spent my life in the middle class but have excelled in college and will be attending law school. I think that many factors can play into the whole not being able to get a guy thing. Guys typically know what they want and dont settle unless they are having some really bad luck....
I've also seen plenty of ugly skinny girls or ugly fat girls or fat pretty girls with guys... Maybe you arent looking in the right places
First of all, you need to realize something. You are passing judgement on people (being the guys who approach you) by stating that you don't think they are attractive. Is this not the very same thing you are asking people not to do to you? You should never judge someone by their appearance. There is a lot more to people than what they look like. "Never judge a book by the cover" comes to mind.
I can tell you that MANY times I have met men who I did not find attractive in the least bit. However, once I get to know them and their personality, they become attractive to me. You cannot judge attractiveness based solely on looks, or you will never be happy with the person you are with. There are many levels to attraction, and while instant sex appeal is nice, it is a drop in the bucket compared to the big picture. Are you going to be with a man who is "hot" but has no personality? I think you need to step back and realize that men are a package deal, and not all of them are going to be Brad Pitt's or Robert Pattinson's.
The point here is that you have men approaching you, and you are passing them up! You don't have to experience "love at first sight"! Give one of these guys a chance, and you may find something special. If not, you gained a valuable experience and a boost in self confidence. Once you have some experience with men and relationships under your belt, you will exude more confidence naturally!
First of all, you need to realize something. You are passing judgement on people (being the guys who approach you) by stating that you don't think they are attractive. Is this not the very same thing you are asking people not to do to you? You should never judge someone by their appearance. There is a lot more to people than what they look like. "Never judge a book by the cover" comes to mind.
I can tell you that MANY times I have met men who I did not find attractive in the least bit. However, once I get to know them and their personality, they become attractive to me. You cannot judge attractiveness based solely on looks, or you will never be happy with the person you are with. There are many levels to attraction, and while instant sex appeal is nice, it is a drop in the bucket compared to the big picture. Are you going to be with a man who is "hot" but has no personality? I think you need to step back and realize that men are a package deal, and not all of them are going to be Brad Pitt's or Robert Pattinson's.
The point here is that you have men approaching you, and you are passing them up! You don't have to experience "love at first sight"! Give one of these guys a chance, and you may find something special. If not, you gained a valuable experience and a boost in self confidence. Once you have some experience with men and relationships under your belt, you will exude more confidence naturally!
J nailed it on this one. It swings both ways when your on the other side of the fence. Being overweight in the past alot has changed now that I'm super handsome. Ha. I'd have to say that women are more obsessed with body image then men so if they are thin why wouldn't that obsession carry over into a potential mate? What is your definition of ugly?
Last edited by tryhardforlife; 04-02-2010 at 02:07 PM.
I think it's very important to realize that attraction can be created and destroyed very easily. The most attractive person will become ugly to you if they reveal an ugly personality. The oddest looking person can become extremely sexy and attractive, if you like the rest of the package.
I have to admit, I do sense a double standard. You may not have meant it that way, but it sounds like you're judging potential partners by standards you're hoping they won't use in judging you. If you look in shallow waters, you're not going to find depth.
A person WITH wealth, beauty, education and social standing is likely to be a person who VALUES wealth, beauty, education and social standing.
By the way, quality men of wealth will rarely display that wealth until a relationship is well on it's way, because they don't want to attract women who are only interested in their money.
I'm not judging you as harshly as you might think. I think everyone's "wish list" for an ideal partner is likely to have some superficial qualities in the package - you have to know which features are truly important to you, and which are "bells and whistles" you can do without. You also have to realize that it's very unlikely (even if you're a billionaire, supermodel, heiress yourself) to find everything you want in another person. It's not settling, it's dealing with the fact that the best person for you, isn't always someone you'd immediately recognize as the best person for you.
I think you've got a worthiness issue. It seems like you're saying that "anyone who would be interested me, has to be a loser," so you're finding fault before you can find treasure.
I remember this from college so well. I never risked rejection, because I rejected anyone who showed any interest at all. I really treated a very sweet guy like toe jam, because although he had a lot of great qualities, and made a fool of himself trying to impress me, I knew he wouldn't impress my friends. I even made fun of him to them (not to his face, but really it was just as bad) because I wanted to make the point that I was indeed out of his league. I don't think a relationship would have worked with him, but if I'm honest with myself that's not why I didn't go out with him. It wasn't because he wasn't good enough for me, it was because I wanted to feel too good for him (I was an idiot).
I learned the lesson when I met my husband. He didn't fit the "ideal man," list that I had in my head. In fact, in dating him, I learned that most of the things I had on my list, weren't really all that important to me. I also discovered things I didn't realize were important until I experienced them. Dating my husband made me "rewrite" my list. Loyalty, honor, generosity (not only of material things, but generosity of spirit), insanely funny, strengths that didn't match, but rather complemented my own.... Who knew that I would need a man who liked my family when I didn't.
Going on a couple dates with someone who isn't right for you, isn't a tragedy. It teaches you about what you want, and it also teaches you to look past the superficial veneer. Unless you only want vaneer. Do you want a great guy or do you want a guy who you can use to impress others.
Some of the greatest guys hide their greatness very well (either because they don't consider themselves as special as they are, or because they're intentionally masking some of it out of humility and other personal reasons).
Different brackets of men with weight loss....
ugh! And yes this weight loss is all for me and not to get a man, because I would love to meet someone who finds me attractive now then be smoking hot when I am at a more healthy weight. I need your honest opinions. DO MOST CUTER, SMARTER, SEXIER, RICHER, NICER MEN, like a woman that is smaller in size or are the chubby girls not trying hard enough to approach?
